Dear Aaron Diary
by DimpleCurlAeternaGirl
Summary: Kate Austen's secret 1st person narrative post-helicopter crash during the mainland missing years 2005-2007. Includes Oceanic 6-Jack, Hurley, Sayid, Sun and other Lost characters as they journey home and try to reconcile with life and living under The Lie. Part canon, part AU Multi-Chapter that starts Ep 4x14.
1. Chapter 1: Miracle Baby

**Thank you to BorchMadsen who inspired this idea and encouraged me to publish for the first time! I have other stories I've been working on, but this is the first one ever posted or shared.**

Dear Aaron,

I say that in my head sometimes when I look at you, watching you sleep peacefully or when you look at me with your round, blue eyes, so innocent, taking in the world around you. I can't help running my hands over your fuzzy, soft head or kissing your face when holding you. I wonder what you are thinking and dreaming about when you sigh, your pursed lips working away like you are drinking your bottle.

I am thinking things I will never say to you. Some of these things I haven't talked about with my friends, not even Aunt Sun or Uncle Jack. My brain won't let me sleep. So much has happened that it feels like a dream. You occupy my thoughts. You keep me sane. Taking care of you keeps me moving and interacting everyone, even if it's only small talk about how you are doing. Without you, I would feel rudderless.

We have finally been rescued and are on Penny's boat, The Searcher. When I say we, I mean the few of us made it from the island, survivors of the Oceanic 815 crash. It's makes my chest and throat ache when I think of all the friends that aren't with us. I see their faces in my mind, including your Mommy Claire. She's been my friend since after the crash. I look around expecting to see her. If I do sleep a bit, I wake disoriented, my heart pounding. I have no idea where I am at first. When I see you next to me, it snaps me back into reality.

We're on a boat. We're safe.

I can't bear to put you down when I'm awake unless I am sharing you with friends. I love holding you. I feel an overwhelming need to keep you safe. You're so little and helpless. This is what your Mommy Claire would want me to do. God, I miss her. She's such a good Mommy and loves you so much. You're too little to understand what's going on. One thing I can share with you someday is that you give me hope. You give our friends hope too. You are an 8-week-old miracle.

108 days. That's how long we were on the island before Penny's boat rescued us. You, miracle baby, survived an airplane crash in your Mommy Claire's tummy. What's really amazing is you not only survived, but stayed in there another few weeks, long enough to grow and be born perfectly healthy. I found your Mommy Claire alone in the jungle a few hours before you arrived.

Uncle Jack is a doctor and was helping a friend who was badly hurt. He sent a message for me to deliver you on my own through Charlie. He made me nervous with his anxiety, bringing me a clean knife and twine. I needed to focus and keep Mommy Claire calm so I wanted him keep his distance. He sat behind a log with Jin nearby.

I don't know who was more scared at that time, me or Mommy Claire. I'll say Mommy Claire. I told her you were "all of ours", meaning you had instant family and we would support her. It was dark and all we had were torches for light. I tried to encourage her, but don't remember every word I said. I was losing my voice.

Everything seemed to slow down and fade as you came out. She had found her courage and pushed hard. When you arrived, first laying on my arms, you, me and Mommy Claire were all crying at the same time. I cried because I was happy and also relieved I didn't drop you. You were a slippery little thing, but so beautiful!

I put you in a blanket on her chest right away so she could hold you. Charlie and Jin hugged and jumped up and down, something I thought I'd never see with those two. We were all so happy to see you finally. You brought the whole beach camp joy and hope; A new life. Everyone came to see you with big smiles on their faces that morning when we walked back at sunrise, you tucked safely in Mommy Claire's arms.

You made her so happy that she glowed.

* * *

I will never be able explain how or why you were abandoned 7 weeks later. Mommy Claire took you everywhere. People helped her when needed, but she always knew where you were. I want you to know she loves you so much and is a great Mom.

Here is what I do know. Before we left the island, Mommy Claire disappeared at night, leaving Sawyer and Miles, and went in the jungle with a man she called Dad. She let that man carry you. It doesn't sound like your Mommy Claire. You were left on a large leaf next to a busy animal trail.

Thank God Sawyer found you and you weren't hurt or worse. It makes me cringe to think of you out there alone. It also makes me worry about your Mommy. Your survival that night is something else to add to your list of miracles. Your uncles looked all day for her. She was gone without a trace. No footprints. Nothing. It's like she floated up in the sky or vanished.

Sawyer handed you to me and Jack told me to take care of you. They both took off. I went down to the beach and decided to send you on the rescue raft with Sun. I wanted you and her off the island in the first group to the freighter. Aunt Sun has a tiny baby growing in her tummy and needed to get off the island. I trusted Sun always to take good care of you, same as Mommy Claire did.

There were bad men on the island. A big freighter boat had come. At first we thought they came to rescue us. Some of their people lied and said they did. They were there to do the opposite but we didn't know that yet. After Sun took you, I went back for Jack and Sawyer, hoping and praying they found your Mommy. It wasn't safe for us to stay on the island.

Jack, Hurley, Sayid, and I took the helicopter to the freighter. Frank was the pilot. Sawyer came too but changed his mind and jumped in the water when we were running out of fuel. Frank said we needed to get rid of extra weight to make it to the boat. I shed a few tears when he fell into the ocean from so high. I was afraid he would be killed. He made it and swam for shore. He did it to save us, to save me. I didn't understand. He wanted to get off the island as badly as I did.

There was a big problem when we reached the freighter. It turned out it wasn't safe either. There was a bomb. The helicopter needed more gas to get away and keep us in the air. We only had minutes to refuel before take off to get to a safe distance. Desmond, Sun and you joined us. I ran fast to find Jin for Sun.

Jack grabbed me, taking me back on the helicopter. He wouldn't leave without me.

We ran, jumped in, and took off with no time to spare. Within minutes, the big boat exploded and sank. It was horrible. It made the helicopter spin out of control for a few frightening moments. Jin was still on that boat. We saw him run out on the deck too late.

Sun cried and screamed for him and you cried too, probably from fear and the noise. My chest was so tight with sorrow, but I had to calm you down. I counted to five and took a deep breath, holding you close and rocking you. We had to land safely before thinking about anything else.

Frank tried to get back to the island, the one we had been stuck on, but it disappeared after a loud humming noise. There was a bright light that blinded us for a moment. That island just disappeared with a big popping noise like sinister magic. It was a sick, cosmic joke.

We wanted to get away from that place, but when we needed it, it was gone. The helicopter was out of gas. The rotors above slowed down and were dying. Jack wrapped you and me tightly in a big life jacket together and buckled it. There was no way I was going to let you go. If I was going to save anyone, it was going to be you.

Somehow, even though the helicopter hit the water and flipped hard, you and I popped up out right away and were clear of the crash. That's another of many miracles. You didn't even have a scratch. You only sneezed and gave me an unhappy look, letting me know you didn't like being dunked underwater. I got a big scrape across my cheek and forehead, arms and elbows, but would have gladly been scratched and banged up head to toe to save you from getting even one little nick. You are my brave little man. You didn't even cry. I handed you up to Hurley to help the others get on board.

We all made it to life raft and rested once everyone was inside. It had a flashing light beacon on an inflated arch above us. It was also black. Who makes a black life raft for survivors to be spotted in the middle of the ocean? My heart was beating rapidly from the crash and the shock and speed of everything leading up to it. Holding you calmed me when you were back in my arms. My heart stopped racing.

* * *

Nightfall came quickly. I leaned against the side of the raft, listening to the small waves lapping around the sides. You slept hard like you usually do, with no cares in the world. Hurley and I stared at you in amazement while you were draped across my lap. You made me smile. We were somewhere in the vast Pacific Ocean in a black raft with no food, water or signs of rescue, and there I was, smiling like a fool because of you.

Later that night, a boat found us! It was Penny's boat, The Searcher. We were saved! I found out later that Desmond had called her from the freighter and she tracked the call.

Before we boarded, Jack stopped us and said we had to lie to protect everyone on the island, wherever they were, and us. It caused confusion. He had good reasons, some that we didn't know about yet. We trusted Jack. We all talked to Penny privately once we all boarded and got food, water, and a makeshift bottle for you. Jack checked our injuries. We all talked some that night but didn't agree to anything. Everyone was exhausted and hurting.

I went to my cabin with you and curled up around your little body, all stretched out. I thought about that island. It can appears beautiful at first, but it's strange and scary. There is bounty in food and water if you know how to find it, but also danger. It's some kind of tropical garden of good and evil. There are threatening things, people and oddities I don't understand. For example, how did those polar bears get there and since when do they hunt us? I love the outdoors but I hated the place. It had a haunted feeling sometimes, like I was surrounded when I was alone picking fruit.

Despite all of that, good things came out of my time there. The best things start with the good friends I made. They that taught me a lot in a short period, to trust them and to be myself. The more I was myself, the closer we were. I met your Uncle Jack there, the first person I came across after the crash, and of course, you, little bug. Some people I loved, some I liked and others I didn't get to know as well. We were a mixed bunch of nuts, some nuttier than others. Before that, I only had one best friend growing up. That ended before I left home.

On the island, we all needed each other for survival, company and to fight off enemies, human, animal or other. You were part of that big family. Now, including you, there are only six of us left from Oceanic 815 headed back to civilization. Even though we are headed back, we still have to depend on each other to survive another threat, the person ultimately responsible for the helicopter crash and sending that freighter and the people on it.

Penny helped us all, but you were her favorite person, aside from Desmond. The next day, she, Sun and I made diapers for you out of old clothes and towels.

Jack was on bottle duty. He made the temporary bottles and gave us advice on what to give you and how much since you are so little. Penny, thankfully, had goat milk on board. Some of the crew preferred it. Jack boiled and mixed it with water and a little sugar for your feedings so you could digest it. I think you have a hidden sweet tooth because you drank it quickly with a smile unless you fell asleep.

We all took turns holding and playing with you. Each of us from island were in some kind of shock. You made us forget about it temporarily. Even the men held you sometimes or poked your little tummy to get you to laugh. You are a gift to us all. You smiled as if nothing happened and remind us that life goes on.

I felt sad and empty, missing people including your Mommy Claire. We lost too many friends. Your grins and happy noises got me through the first few days and kept me from looking backwards in my mind. You kept me anchored in the present.

* * *

I've been thinking a lot about what's going to happen with you. We are making plans to get back to the United States with the story Jack wants us to tell the world, The Lie. Our group hasn't agreed to go along with The Lie yet. While people debate, I can't let go of you and leave you in the hands of fate and child services.

I talked first to Penny and Sun together about my idea for you. Both will be Moms someday, Sun sooner, and Penny has it on her wish list. We don't want you to end up in foster care or being adopted out, lost to us all, especially if Mommy Claire is found someday.

Mommy Claire said she didn't want to raise you and was she was headed to Los Angeles to give you to a nice couple to be your parents. She was young and trying to do what was best for you. That was before the crash. Afterwards, at the camp, she had us, the survivors, as her extended family to help.

That means we are your only family that we know of. I'm the only one that can claim that you are my baby. The men can't and Sun has another baby in her tummy.

One future problem is that I might have to go away for a while because of something I did. Sun said if that happens, she would take care of you if Jack couldn't. I know Hurley might be willing too. I would be able to decide who gets to take care of you if I have to go away.

To do that, I have to say you came from my tummy. I won't let you to be raised by strangers or go somewhere called foster care. You will never be hurt by people who don't know and love you and Mommy Claire like we do. I would never forgive myself. You deserve better from all us, from me. We aren't going to lose you.

I talked to Jack and told him my idea late last night. He thought there might be another way. As a doctor, I thought he would know how child services works when it comes to babies and kids with no parents. Maybe he never dealt with them. I didn't argue, just told him what I wanted.

He finally agreed to support it after we talked. He needed me to support his idea, The Lie we would all tell the world. My being your Mommy would become a part of The Lie. He insists on it being the right thing to do. It's to protect us and our friends on the island if they are alive.

Jack needed my support to get our friends to agree. He wanted me to have his back and so he asked if I was with him. Having his back doesn't mean I stand behind him. It means we stand back to back, watching out for each other, like soldiers. If one of us would get tired, the other can lean on their partner, but just with just enough pressure to keep us both upright. This was about supporting his decision. I told him I have always been with him. I don't think he realized that because of the look he gave me. Many emotions crossed his face, but I don't need words to understand him. That look was enough.

I love and admire him. He is everything I could have wished for in a man. He's brave, strong, handsome, caring, is intelligent and so much more. I'm not saying he's perfect but he's a good man. These are things I want you to learn from him. He said he would be there for me and you no matter what. I want him for myself and to be there for you.

Jack was our main leader on the island plus our only doctor from the crash. He looked after everyone the best he could, sometimes overdoing it and barely slept. He tried to get us rescued and blamed himself whenever anything went wrong. I know he's done this for a long time. I tried to take care of him but he's stubborn and won't take his own advice. He feels like he has to fix everything and everyone. I want to ask him who died and made him God? Why does he think he is responsible for everyone and everything, even things that are not his fault? Saying that won't help him.

I worry about him, but said nothing. It's not the right time and we were all still disoriented and needed to agree, not clash. It's hard to get used to this, even get used to beds and taking showers, or in your case, baths in a basin.

Each one of us are still licking our wounds on the inside from everything that happened in the past days, weeks, months and beyond. We all had problems before the crash and were dealing with them alone. Now it's different. Our remaining group is small, but at least we have each other. Nobody else will understand what we've been through, the truth part not The Lie.

You slept on in my arms through the whole conversation. I took you back to our cabin after talking to Jack under the stars and put you on the bed. I curled up with my clothes still on, next to you. I couldn't go to sleep again, so I watched you rest peacefully on your back, arms up beside your head as if you were stretching or signaling a touchdown. I wished I could be that relaxed.

Later, Jack joined us and laid on the other side of you, giving you and me each a good night kiss. Mine was better. No offense to you, little man.

We both draped our arms together above you, watching you sleep while our bodies made a protective circle around yours.

None of us were going to leave you behind on that godforsaken island. We aren't going to leave you now.

I love you,

Mommy Kate


	2. Chapter 2: Sumba Bound

Dear Aaron,

We are almost back to the mainland, but not the U.S. I don't know whether to be happy or anxious because I don't know what's going to happen with my legal issues. You, doodle bug, are a great cure for overthinking. Taking care of you isn't work, it's a Godsend. You occupy me so I don't get too far ahead of myself.

I talked about my concerns to Uncle Jack when he asked me what was wrong. He reassured me he would be there if any challenges came up now or later. He thinks we will get a break from my problems from before the crash because of the trauma we went through. I hope he's right.

You have no idea what's going on. You wake happy, you nap, you sleep so well. You're spoiling me. I used to think I wouldn't have babies. I did want a husband, babies, and home, the whole American dream thing plus horses and dogs. That dream had died out with my being on the run for 3 years.

I grew up in the mid-west and loved the farm life, seeing a close family, my one friend, Tommy's, and the traditions they had. But, I was always on the move with an uncertain future in my early and mid-twenties before the crash. Those days are over.

I have a sliver of hope now that things will come together and you're a part of my new dream that's forming.

* * *

We made it to Sumba Island. Before that, because of The Lie, Penny's boat brought us almost 3,000 miles across the Pacific. It took almost week. They dropped us off several hours from Sumba in another black raft, but this one isn't round. It's a regular raft and could fit a small outboard engine.

I still don't get why rafts are black here. It's hot as hell to sit on black rubber in the sun and difficult to spot by sea or air for rescue. It's not good for fishing in my mind because bare skin sticks to it in the scalding sun, but this beauty, keeping us alive right now, would probably be a prized possession to a villager and his family. Orange or yellow rafts make more sense to me.

When tracking and hunting with Grandpa Sam, especially deer season, we wore orange vests. It was so the other hunters could see us and not shoot or mistake us for wild game. Deer can't see the orange versus other colors. Can any fish see colors here like yellow or orange? I will have to look it up someday so I can tell you.

Sitting on rafts gives a person a lot of time to think.

The raft is in good shape, but looks like one that might have washed up on the shore of the island Jack will say we were stranded on. It's from Penny's boat with no identifiable marks and made to look weathered with some netting inside. It's another part of The Lie. Her crew is well paid and loyal to her. She assured us they won't reveal anything, especially if they want to work in the boating industry. She has a lot of money and influence. We won't know the name of the island we came from, only how long it took to get to Sumba and direction. Oceanic can do the guesswork and figure out easily it's Membata.

Membata is large enough, uninhabited with a small jungle, fresh water source, coconut laden palms, and mango trees to sustain people if needed. There is some small wild game there and, of course, fish. We stopped there a couple of hours to see where we were officially stranded on. A few of Penny's crew and your Jack and Sayid found a place to set up a makeshift beach camp with a few shelters using palms and branches.

They started small fires in two separate pits surrounded by stones that will die out soon in case anyone from Oceanic would ever want to check it out. There was random debris that had washed ashore and they salvaged pieces to complete it. It's not perfect, but just enough to look like we were there along with a lot of footprints. Things could have always washed out to the ocean. Jack said details are important.

Membata is the same as the other island with basic survival amenities but that's where the similarity stops. It doesn't have the strange features, perils, smoke monster, the fact it's almost impossible to find, random castaways like Danielle or people held against their will like Juliet. It also doesn't have Others, people wanted to kidnap survivors to either expand their cult due to no birth rate, use or experiment on people, mainly women, all led by bug-eyed Ben Linus, who is an intelligent, pathological liar. He's a con artist with followers and that's thought alone is scary. I think he's got some sad, pathetic background that made him that way but don't care, especially after being his captive and a bargaining chip to get Jack to operate on him.

It's all starting to become surreal in my mind, like a horror and mystery book with a dash of love, lots of teamwork, violence, adrenaline and tragedy upon tragedy. It's more twisted than the Island of Dr. Moreau. No more bad island for you, little one. Not even over my dead body.

* * *

Only the six of us from the airplane crash including you, little bug, went to Sumba. We reluctantly said goodbye to Desmond, Frank and Penny. I have grown fond of all of them. Penny wants a baby just like you but you broke the mold. You are one in a million.

I couldn't thank her enough for the help, support and companionship. She saved our lives and has become a good friend. She's one of us. How can ever I thank her for that? She told me to hush and gave me a hug and kiss goodbye. She and Desmond will be in touch and hopefully see us someday after things settle down. It gave me a warm feeling, then I realized our family has expanded. She cares deeply about us. We all have ties that bind us all together in a good, non-confining way.

I placed you into her willing arms before we set off so she could get her Aaron fix. Maybe you sprinkled some baby dust on her. I have a feeling she and Desmond will be married before too long. If not, they will be life partners. Their own story is amazing.

Penny shared some of it with Sun and I to pass some time. We pressed her to tell us. We needed to hear a happy ending with them back together now, to laugh, sigh and let our eyes ooze tears of pleasure because of their reunion, especially Sun. It helped us push back the horrors that were keeping us awake at night.

I can't look at Desmond the same now. I know why he calls Jack "Brother" but didn't know he was fired as a monk for drinking their fine, limited production vino. That story made me laugh so hard tears came. That's when they met, a newly fired monk loading crates of the wine he _didn't_ drink into her vehicle in need of a ride back to town.

After we cast off in the black raft, Jack and Sayid rowed to get us there with wide, broken planks, the perfect paddles for castaways. Hurley took turns so each could rest. It was a hot, sunny day with only a small ocean breeze. Sun felt sick from the boat ride and sat on the side. We all got some sunburn except you.

I sat in the back on the floor of the raft in the only spot of shade I could find. I kept you covered in light airplane blankets to protect your delicate, white skin and soothed you, playing with your fingers and feet. I prayed the bottle we topped you off with would last until I could feed you again.

The native people on Sumba spotted us and helped us get onto the beach, dragging the raft up the sand. They can keep it, bless them. Sayid helped me and you get out of that raft. It took a few minutes to get my land legs and I held you close, my most precious cargo. You were wide awake. Sun joined us as we staggered up the beach, her arm around my other side. I swallowed hard and stopped, looking back across the endless water and flat horizon as they moved ahead slowly. I was thinking once more about who was left behind.

Jack put his arm around me, causing me to turn. I looked up at his reassuring face and let him lead me and you forward, his arm around my waist supporting me, supporting you. The villagers were nice, offering food, drinks, shelter and chairs. Someone called the local authorities and they contacted the U.S. Coast Guard and Oceanic Airlines. Uncle Jack gave you tiny amounts of bottled water by wetting a clean cloth for you to suck on.

The first arrivals to meet us were Oceanic representatives, but it took hours. Before they arrived, they instructed the authorities to take us to be examined and get any medical treatment needed. We would also need to be cleared before any travel to the states, starting with Hawaii. They don't know about the lack of tropical diseases and healing properties of the place we left.

I wouldn't let anyone except Jack examine us, little bug, especially me. I was nervous about anyone looking at my body since I was supposed to have given birth to you about 5 weeks prior.

Jack saw it on my face. He let them know his credentials and said I would be more comfortable with him since he had been my treating physician by default with the birth and aftercare. He explained I was post-partum and didn't want anyone to see my body like this.

The medics agreed heartily and understood. I think it helped immensely that we were in Indonesia. It's a diverse area with different religions and a male-dominated, conservative culture, but it may have created slight confusion. They referred to me as his woman after that and must have assumed he didn't want anyone else to examine "his woman and baby". I can see that from their perspective because he didn't examine our other friends.

After that, I was no longer Kate or Miss Kate. I was "your woman" if they said anything to him about me or "your son" about you. They mainly spoke directly to the men, rarely to Sun and myself. I said nothing and wasn't offended. I am guessing unwed mothers aren't looked on favorably.

If Jack hadn't spoken up for me, I would have ended up being examined by the mid-wife that examined Sun. They did that because she was female, not knowing she was pregnant.

A mid-wife would have known I hadn't given birth to you so we dodged a bullet there. The men were examined by the medics in turns.

Jack cleared you after a thorough baby exam. He said you were perfect, making me smile a little. I already knew that. I had examined you for anything, even any sign of a bump or rash, when bathing and changing you. You didn't even have bug bites on your perfect skin. He handed over the medical forms he filled out for you, doodle bug. Then, I handed you over to Hurley for my exam.

Jack examined me privately in a small room with the door and binds closed, going over my injuries and doing his exam maybe a little too thoroughly, but sounded professional in case anyone could hear. He said he had to check me everywhere for any hidden injuries, rashes, or issues. In reality, I know he did, but I have no complaints about his bedside manner that time.

He was gentle, running his long fingers over my back and spine, arms and legs, checking while admiring the trail of goosebumps he left. I will stop there. After he was done with his exam and tour, he reassured me with his loving, warm brown eyes and gazed deeply into mine. He held my face in his large hands, his thumbs resting on my cheekbones. Our foreheads touched and I sighed deeply, breathing him in and feeling safe.

I dressed as he filled out the forms for me. He ordered formula for you immediately, telling them I am having trouble nursing due to dehydration and some malnutrition. He winked at me before leaving the room.

The clinic had some baby formula on hand with small baby bottles and bottled water. Sun and I are both very lean and sinewy naturally plus she is expecting and I am supposed to be post-partum. We were advised to drink a high-protein, high-calorie twice a day and given containers with powder to mix in water. There was a little English on each container, but also other languages for directions and ingredients. Where is the nutrition label and content label?

I looked at Jack and handed the container to him to examine. He started to ask the medic questions about it. I am not drinking something unless it's tasty and I know what's in it. If it's a shake, it better be in a cup with big, golden arches on it.

I leaned over to Sun and asked her if she can read any of it. Her container is on the counter next to her. She said the label is written in an Austronesian Language, Chinese and English. Her face was blank. Mine is too.

I looked around carefully. The men are respectful but steal quick glances our way, especially at her. Sun is pale and beautiful, like a white blossom, even when she is inanimate. I whisper my observation to her about the male attention she's getting. She whispers back that some people practice polygamy and its expected she should be married at her age. A man might show his interest in her, even if they knew she was newly widowed and pregnant. She spoke in a flat tone. If that came up, she said she would enlist Uncle Sayid as her sentry.

Hurley and Sayid didn't stray far from us. Sayid has an acute sixth sense and must know that too. He doesn't miss anything and stood beside Sun, shifting his body to give her a little privacy. We are almost done here and you, my sleepy baby, have finished your bottle, been burped and your diaper is clean.

Someone brought out a pack of small diapers for little bottoms like yours. Uncle Jack took both of the protein powders containers, apparently approving them, and the bag with your baby stuff and we headed to a resort in a large van owned by the facility. Jack is going to need to use a lot more than logic to persuade me to try that powdered crap. I would prefer real food.

* * *

We met our Oceanic representative and escort, Karen Decker, at the resort later. We were already checked in and given full access to their store for anything we need. It was small but we each find something. We have shirts and long skirts for Sun and myself with sandals. The men find shirts and long shorts.

I asked the concierge for 0-3 month onesies and they turn up within the hour in our room. At least we are clean, ate we could stomach, and had time to rest before she finally arrived. My hair is wet but it combats the heat. I have it twisted up and around tightly to make a bun and put a hair band over it twice to hold it. Being clean is priceless.

Karen brought an assistant, but we don't interact much with her except to fetch Karen. Karen is professional, sympathetic and no nonsense. That being said, she did take time to genuinely admire you and hold your little hand in the beginning during introductions. I think she maybe a mom herself. If not, she was just another fan of yours, little man, captivated by your sweet face.

She apologized briefly on behalf of Oceanic and said the airline will take care of us, providing anything we need and don't hesitate to ask. She was to the point and kept her word. She's the caring face of Oceanic sent, a woman in her 40's, attractive with authority and keeping a tight rein on things. She had other people working for her and was in contact with them on her cell phone. She must be trained in crisis management among other things.

Karen handles us with kid gloves, gentle without being demeaning, respecting that we must have been through hell and back with some level of trauma. It's implied but unspoken that Oceanic assumes all blame. I overheard the term PTSD whispered between her and her assistant.

They are assessing us. Any idiot could see it. That being said, I haven't heard Jack argue or comment negatively about her yet. She's good at her job. She hasn't ruffled his feathers or tread on his need for control and information. He feels a need to keep tight reins on everything too, to protect everyone.

The luxury resort is called Nihi Sumba. It's a beautiful facility with lots of amenities. I don't use them. All I care about is food, shower for me, bath for you, a crib and comfortable, large bed.

* * *

Oceanic now has our information and is working with the state department already to get us new credentials and a birth certificate for you so we can enter the U.S. Your paperwork says you are at least 3 weeks or 4 weeks younger. You are officially almost 5 weeks old, so I can say you are my baby. That's how old you have to be to have been in my tummy long to be born healthy. That means your birthday had to be moved.

To be honest, I don't know the exact date you were born except it was over a month after the September 22nd crash. I think it was the beginning of November. I'm not sure. We didn't have a calendar to keep track of things. Lack of calendars was an issue in more than one way on the island for women. I won't elaborate on that.

Now you are a December baby. That would make Mommy Claire go nuts. She loves horoscopes and birth charts. Detailed ones are based on the year, month, day and hour you were born and what time zone. We are missing most of that information for you. I hoped she would understand. Any details Jack gives have to be airtight so nobody gets suspicious. You are small and lean, so around 5 weeks is reasonable as far as I know.

He chose December 5th, 2004, telling Oceanic that was his best guess of your date of birth with trying to keep track of how long we were there. The number 5 is significant to him and now to me because of what he told me when we first met. I see it tattooed on his sculpted upper left arm when he's wearing a sleeveless top or is shirtless. I will tell ask him to share the story with you someday when you are old enough learn from it.

Karen asked only the basics about what happened and will talk to us more after we are rested. I have a feeling she doesn't want to know everything, only enough to satisfy her bosses and the media. The more harrowing our stories, the more money we will get from them.

Hurley is smart about that. He commented the airline will "pay up big time" and don't want us to get an attorney and sue them in court. Uncle Hurley has a lot of money and owns companies and is invested in others. Payment for our pain and suffering means you and I have a chance for a fresh start together somewhere nice. There will be no long work hours for me with you in daycare or at some babysitters. That's if I could even find a job with my legal issues still in the air.

Jack wouldn't let that happen. When I brought it up to him at night, whispering my concern in bed so I wouldn't wake you, he wrapped both arms around me and said I don't have to work. We will live with him at his condo. He was firm, as if the decision was made. He gave me a look I couldn't refuse with those eyes of his and how he looked at me. Nobody has looked at me that way, exploring the depths of my mind and soul. I didn't know what to say. My mouth fell open a little and eyes watered.

I'm not used to anyone taking care of me in the real world.

I gave him a long, tender kiss, tasting his upper lip first and mouth before he pressed in for a deeper one that there's no return from. My kiss was my way of letting him know how I felt. He told me he loved me. That phrase has rarely left my lips so I show him instead. His words made me feel warm inside and the love I felt for him bubbled up to the surface. His arms, wound around my back, released a bit while his hands slid down my side to my waist first, making me feel warm all over, right down to my curling toes.

* * *

The next day, Karen Decker requested to talk to me briefly about my legal issues. I brought you and we went into a small conference room. You are my good luck charm and keep me calm. I insisted on Jack being there. Karen spoke respectfully to me with reassurance no action would be taken in the immediate future against me. Oceanic was working with the state department and legal system.

In consideration of the ordeal I've suffered plus having the baby in dangerous and primitive conditions, there will be a reprieve of some sort. Jack was right. She said it doesn't mean there won't be any legal charges in the future. It's just on hold. The U.S. Marshals will not resume pursuing me and she confidentially added she thought it was overkill. I was presumed dead and have turned up alive with a newborn.

Karen didn't mention to me that she had already spoken to the other survivors, something I knew already since she spoke to Jack too yesterday and I got the calls afterwards. The coconut grapevine is still working. When she questioned them, treading lightly on the topic, they each scoffed at the thought I was dangerous and were firm about my good character. Every friend was willing to vouch for me and give written statements if needed. I was overwhelmed and am guessing she passed that information along to the authorities.

Karen reassured me nobody will show up with handcuffs. When she said that, I was listening but pacing back and forth, and bouncing you a little. You had hiccups and were trying to go to sleep.

My legs felt weak suddenly when she said handcuffs and I desperately needed to sit. Handcuffs or being tied up are among worst fears along with confinement. The roots go too deep and back too far to dredge up now or maybe ever. Jack took my shoulders and put me in a chair before my legs gave out.

He quickly took your sleeping body in one arm and said I needed something, a clear soda maybe. Karen left the room quickly to retrieve one and came back, apologizing for the shock. I couldn't control my body. My arms and legs were shaking badly. I broke out in a cold sweat and leaned over, burying my head in my hands to hide my face while a big sob tried to come out of my constricted throat.

Jack told me to take slow, deep breaths, rubbing my back with his one free hand. All the anxiety I have pushed away and down deep had surfaced and was starting to gush out. I _hated_ myself for appearing weak but that word triggered something in my brain and my body betrayed me.

Jack asked for a break and if Karen would hold you outside of the room. She was surprised, but obliging. You were out by then. You can really sleep through anything, doodle bug. After she left the room and went to the lobby, Jack drew me into his lap and let me cry.

His arms held me tight as I wrapped my smaller ones around his neck and tried to catch my breath between sobs. I don't know how much time passed. Eventually calm stole over me as he stroked my hair, back and alternately held me tight. I could feel my heartbeat and breathing matching his and it was soothing.

I pulled back, my face a disgusting, wet mess, and he wiped it, starting with my nose. He handed me tissues from a box that had appeared on the table so I could blow my nose. He dabbed my eyes but I couldn't look at him. I was a wreck and mortified. I was supposed to be strong and was sitting on his lap, bawling like a child over one word, one image, memories. I hung my head in shame, trying to breathe normally and regain control. He kept saying "Hey" and finally tipped my chin up and over to look at him. He could feel my acute embarrassment.

What Jack doesn't know is that I hardly ever cried growing up, then stopped altogether when I was on the run. I trained myself to be hard on the outside.

It can be a cruel world and nobody cared about my tears so I hid them in my heart.

That island changed things somehow or my friends did. I was turned inside out. The experiences there kicked down the dam, bit by bit and turned me into a person that cries. Jack was a big part of that with his pushing me for truth and information to find out more about me.

In hindsight, I cried from love, sorrow, fear, remorse and sometimes in anger at myself or others on the island.

The tears were never self-pity. They just made me feel weak when I needed to be tough for so long, especially around men. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction, even if I was hit, and showed them anger instead, a great mask for sad or hurt feelings.

All I saw was love and tenderness as he looked at me, examining my face and eyes intently, his thumbs wiping under my eyes while his fingers were gently supporting my chin. His eyes were damp too. He gave me one of his sweet Jack smiles. I wrapped my arms around his neck again slowly, this time with no tears and let out a huge sigh. He held me, rocking me slightly and commented that was what he wanted to hear and not to be ashamed of crying. It's a lot for one person to deal with.

He told me my tears don't make me weak, they show how much I care. He said he cries too. Does that make him weak? It gave me something new to think about. This man I love knows my past, what really happened and a little about my childhood, just enough to understand why I did that to Wayne. Despite that, he's still here, holding me, even after that outburst. I didn't even have to tell him. He read what was going on in my mind and cared.

In that moment, I felt relief, even with legal issues on hold. I felt connected. I felt acceptance. It was mostly from him in the moment, but in the back of my mind, I was touched at what my friends had said to Karen. I wouldn't ask them to do that.

This was all so new and raw, having people stand up for me, wanting to help me. It was hard to accept after a lifetime of protecting and taking care of others including my own mother, but not getting it back.

I did it anyways because I cared.

We reconvened with Karen after your Jack made me eat something and drink to settle my system. He also made inquiries with Karen about a pharmacy. I didn't talk to him about it but I am guessing he wants something for me, something I probably won't take.

I don't like taking medicine. I can't be medicated and take care of you. His arms are enough.

Karen joined us both when Jack invited her back in. He took you from her and thanked her. She said it was her pleasure and I could tell you already had her wrapped around your tiny finger.

Karen inquired about how I was doing and put her hand over mine to pat it briefly. She smiled softly and said Oceanic has a blind eye as far anything legal concerned. They wouldn't engage with the media to talk about it. I would be treated with the same respect and care as the others and Oceanic will make sure I am compensated the same as my fellow survivors, with no judgement.

Jack had a few questions. I let him speak. I was feeling a bit shell shocked.

My only question was if there were any requirements from the legal system once we return. I told her I had you, sweet boy, and don't want any unpleasant surprises. I need to take care of you.

She suggested staying around the Los Angeles area with the you once we get there and find a great attorney to plan ahead. The attorney will know who to contact if I need to travel out of area or state to avoid any issues. They could also prepare me ahead of time if there are any proceedings.

It was sound advice, but I had no plans to travel with you in the U.S. or leave Jack.

Love,

Mommy Kate


	3. Chapter 3: Respite in Sumba

_A/N: Thank you to vinzgirl and the guests who left the kind and insightful reviews. I really appreciated it. I write because I enjoy it and the reviews are new for me. They all made me smile._

 _I was tickled to read what was said and to hear a few people enjoyed reading Kate's POV. I heartily agree she is caring, nurturing, multi-layered, protective, takes care of others and was loving. It's amazing that flowers can grow and bloom in the most inhospitable environments. I liked the comment about Claire's diary and Kate keeping one too. Very clever! Kate is definitely misunderstood by a lot of the fandom, especially after Season 1 and with Aaron. She isn't weak. She could still kick some tail! Fake Locke got a fatal dose of that in the end. We watched her mature and evolve over time through experiences and stabilize. Her character description was written by the producers as having tough exterior from life, hiding her emotions, but the island breaks the walls down. That says to me she is able to feel and connect with others, something new, something we witnessed._

* * *

Dear Aaron,

We were flying out the next day and need to decide if we want to do a press conference when we arrive. We have time to decide. It will be a long trip by plane to get to Honolulu. I had mixed feelings about both matters, the flying, but mainly the press and being on display for the world. I pictured it as facing a firing squad. It's something else I would have wanted to run from but won't, especially with my friends by my side.

Karen gave us each a credit card and local currency to get clothes and anything else we needed for the next leg of our journey and the press circus if we agreed to it. She told us to stick together at the market. There were local natives we might come across and customs are different. The men might be friendly to other male tourists, but Sun and I should be escorted.

Karen wasn't concerned about them harming us. Unescorted females may appear available. They would if they were interested in marrying us. We were familiar with that tidbit from the clinic already. I scoffed at them wanting to "marry" us but Sun said things were different there. Women were second class citizens and a pretty woman, especially a fertile one, was a valuable acquisition.

Good luck to them if they try to bother us, I thought. I felt confident. Then we saw a few and they were carrying large machetes. It gave me a dose of reality and a healthy respect for their culture.

I know you won't care about clothes and shopping, even as a little bug, but some of this is new for me so I will explain what happened. We found a few stores together that catered more to tourists. It had a food stand with an outdoor seating area. Your uncles made their purchases quickly.

Jack told me they were going to be just outside so I handed you and your makeshift diaper and bottle bag to him. He's grown more comfortable with you, carrying, changing, feeding my little man like a pro. It gave me a warm, tingling feeling all over.

I believe in actions not words. I would show him how I felt that night.

He offered to escort us but Sun gave him look and I told him no, we're okay. Sun said I am enough protection for her. I said any men should be more afraid of her. We all laughed a little. Jack joined Sayid and Hurley. They sat facing the stores we went into, indirectly watching us anyhow.

One thing you should know about them, especially Jack, is they are very protective of us and you.

The fabrics were thin and light for the tropical climate, but not see-through. I bought a loose, long sleeved green top that a new Mommy might wear with a tank top that went under it. I didn't want them to see my flat stomach or muscular arms. I added loose cargo pants with a draw string and a duplicate outfit in a different color for travel, shoes, undergarments and soft, baby doll pajamas to sleep in so I didn't have to resort to underwear.

Sun suggested I buy a sun dress with green, teal and white for Hawaii. It was sleeveless and the neckline stopped above my cleavage. It was fitted a bit at the top but flared out before it reached my waist like an upside-down lily. It was knee length. I wondered if that was risqué in Sumba. The long and thin green leaves on it reminded me of a plant from Sun's island garden. I traced one thoughtfully with my finger.

At first, I felt revulsion at wearing a sundress because of what the Others made me wear but this was different and modest, not silky with a plunging neckline and short length. I had to break rocks and load them into a wheelbarrow in that flimsy piece of silk with all those Other men leering at me. I hated it and wanted to throw rocks at them when I saw them look. I have good aim.

Aunt Sun paired it green sweater that didn't fasten. It looked hand crafted, like tatting. I recognized that because my mom, Diane, had a few pieces from her grandmother. It's an old-fashioned way they made lace from thick thread. My great-grandma tatted collars for her shirts, lace to edge a baby's christening bonnet, and even made grape clusters on vines around a doily. That's a fancy piece of fabric that goes under something like a lamp or vase. The lace was hand sewn on.

It was beautiful but it's all gone now from the fire. Destroying those is one of the things I regret.

This one had long, belled sleeves and covered my arms but wasn't hot. She said it was a good post-maternity garment and Jack might like some dresses on me. I will buy it because it makes me think of the great-grandma I never met. Jack might like the dress, but I think we can do better in the states.

I never bought a dress while thinking of a man the way I think about Jack, wondering if he thought I looked pretty in it, not even when I was "married" briefly under an alias. For the first time, I really wanted to please a male with the way I dressed. I was too damaged to think that way before.

Sun opted for loose, silk blouses and pants. I like her taste and watching her shop. I missed out on girly teenage shopping since I had no money or girlfriends. If I had the latter growing up, I wouldn't have brought them home, ever. We added footwear and accessories along with bags to put stuff in. She sighed. She will go as far as L.A. with us to wrap up with Oceanic and said we will do some real shopping there. She was sick of island clothes, even new ones.

I felt funny, paying for the items. I must have been too quiet. Sun has a lot on her mind but is observant. I was trying to figure out what was bothering me. She used to beat around the bush when asking me questions early in our friendship after I figured out she spoke English. Now, she is direct and can fire them out like bullets. She is different during our conversations versus with the men. I trust her. She trusts me.

We forged a bond through hours of labor in that garden, our talks and being there for each other. She knows my reluctance and inexperience in confiding in women. It's not that I don't want to. I don't like putting my problems on people and never saw Diane with woman friends. Her abomination of a husband, my step-father, isolated her. I had nobody to learn from.

Sun told me to "cough it up". See what I mean? She's a straight shooter. I looked at her and rolled my eyes, giving her a little smile, but not a happy one. I just want her to know I am not in any agony or anything. I sighed and took my bag of stuff and walked out with her, not wanting anyone else to overhear me.

We sat right outside the store for a few minutes on a bench, mainly because I wanted her to pace herself and rest. She would have blown that off if she knew I was thinking that. She thinks I'm still drained from yesterday. I am but I feel purged. I make a point of not looking at the men in our group or waving so they won't come over.

I purposely leaned forward and put my hands together, examining my plain nails. I was still trying to come up with the right words. I told her not to make a big deal of it and opened up. I'm not used to having a lot of new things or having a lot of things in general, new or old.

I spent a lot of my childhood outdoors so I didn't notice my lack of things versus my peers and later on, it made it easier on the run. I don't talk about those days much so her eyes were round with surprise when I spoke. I told her the things we have now, in my bag and at the hotel, are all I own and as strange as it may sound, I don't mind.

I knew I had to acquire a lot of things, specifically baby stuff and items for me when we got back. That meant I would live somewhere for a while and have a place to put them and eventually be somewhere permanently. I haven't had a permanent residence, an address to receive mail for a long time unless the 108 days count and I won't drag my baby around.

She was affected by what I said and her eyes welled up. I smiled and remind her she promised not to make a big deal of it. It's not a bad thing, just new chapter of my life. I pulled her up by her hand and she impulsively hugged me.

I don't want her to feel bad about having things in Korea. Things don't make people truly happy. Things don't love you back. Things aren't home. I think people are home. I love that she had the princess lifestyle, although it's no fairy tale. I didn't mean to make her feel bad or guilty over having stuff. I raked my teeth over my lower lip for a moment in regret.

She said we will have some fun shopping together in L.A. before she leaves. She wanted her Aaron "nephew" to have gifts from his Auntie Sun. I am pleased to she's thinking ahead about something positive, you, doodle bug. I know I will have Oceanic money at some point, but we can haggle over who pays for what later. She linked her arm in mine and we went to the tables outside to get you.

We were faster than the men made us out to be. I don't like long shopping trips, not that I have tons of experience. I have a little from the brief time I was sort of married, but that's a story you'll never hear. You were waiting patiently with your uncles, perched in Hurley's arms and gave me the biggest smile and cooed when I got close and asked how my little man was doing.

Hurley gave us a hard time about how much older he was since we went in there, how much grey hair he had grown, and how much you grew. He said you even spoke your first words, which were coincidentally, "Uncle" Hurley. The guys chuckled at that and I bit my lip, trying not to smile.

Sun knew exactly how long we were in there. They had just enough time for Jack to give you a bottle and change you. We both gave the three men unconvinced looks, left our bags with them and took you into the baby store.

I looked back at Uncle Jack and gave him a promising, coy smile. He gives me a special look, full of love and want. His hands were clasped together, long fingers interlaced and his chin resting on his thumbs. He was watching me appreciatively with a touch of possessiveness.

He's so handsome with his short hair and newly shaved face. I want to run my fingers through his hair and down his smooth cheeks and jawline again. I kind of got used to the scruff, but don't think you like it since you snuggle your head against our necks when sleeping.

It's nice seeing him relax with his friends. I heard a whistle from Hurley after I turned away and they said some things to Jack. Hurley laughed and Sayid did the same and was clapping. I ignore it. They are just being guys. Uncle Jack can handle their teasing.

We needed moments like this. It's putting a little balm to our hearts to laugh, tease and enjoy each other. I haven't seen us all smile and relaxed like this for a while, maybe since we were on Hurley's golf course. That was before you were born, baby.

This kind of interaction might help us get through the next couple of days.

The best part of shopping was for you. I was so glad your Aunt Sun, shopping expert, was with us. You, little man, got your first outfits. I had no idea that shopping for a baby was fun. It wouldn't be for any baby, only one I loved and I love you, little Aaron. The sales lady fussed over you, of course. You are a female magnet already.

We held up outfits to your now sleeping body, your arms and legs hanging down while my arm supported your body and head. You would look handsome in anything, little bug. I bought you clothes and little things you needed including a travel baby kit to give you a nice bath at the hotel. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Apparently, you need a lot of gear. I hope Jack has the space in his condo.

I added a soft blanket to your pile. You have that airline blanket. Frankly, I want to pile up all of our island related clothes and shoes and burn them. Your dark blue blanket is different. It's the one you were found in when Uncles Sawyer and Miles came across you. It's the last one Mommy Claire wrapped you in and you were rescued in it. It maybe even the one Mommy Claire first held you in after you were born.

Just in case, I will keep it as some kind of memento. Memento. That's new for me too. I don't even have any pictures. I will have to ask your Grandpa Sam if he has any family pictures I can copy and need to get a good camera in the U.S. to take photos of you.

We headed back to join the men. I ruminate a little and realize that Sayid is in the same situation as I am. What he has with him are probably all of his possessions as far as I know. I won't bring it up though. It's not something to joke about. I don't know if he had anything left in Iraq, only that he traveled after the war. I didn't ask him why he left and he didn't ask about my past. We focused on present and future when we talked or worked together.

Sayid and I were friends from the beginning. It's not that we wouldn't be honest with each other. It just wasn't important to know those things. I respected him and he respected me and was even protective thinking I needed it. He didn't know I could fight and shoot straight back then. He took a lot of flack from Sawyer early on but managed it okay, overall. Sawyer said some prejudiced things about him.

Sawyer was not nice back then, but that's because he didn't like himself. He had buried any nice qualities under hateful words trying to make people dislike him. He did a good job at pretending he didn't care. He came around later on. I kept pestering him and he eventually became part of our group, especially after I told him that a little effort wouldn't hurt.

You liked him right away or at least his voice. He showed a softer side when he read to you. I even caught him holding you in camp, plus he found and carried you all day when you were abandoned. I hope he's still alive. Maybe he found Mommy Claire by now.

At the hotel, Jack went to the hotel bar for beers with Sayid and Hurley.

Your Aunt Sun came back to the room to help me give you a nice smelling bath with real baby products. We preferred the company of you, little man. I cut your nails. Your fingers are so tiny. It felt like I was doing a delicate operation. She helped and said it's good practice for her.

I let her diaper and dress you, making sure she knew you have to be pointing down in the diaper so you don't wet your front and back when laying down. She giggled a little at that. I let her know about the wet waist you had after using the first diaper from the clinic. It wasn't such a big issue with the large diapers made from clothes you used to sport.

She thinks she is having a girl and will have other challenges. If so, she promised to give me tips in case I give you a brother or sister someday. We'll see. You make it so easy on me but if I had another one and they are anything like me, I will need good running shoes. You are more than enough for now.

When we were done, she looked tired and was ready to go to her room and rest until dinner. I wanted to hug her and tell her it will be okay, but I didn't know if it will be or not. Her husband, Jin, is gone. We all saw it. I put my arm around her instead, giving her a soft squeeze to let her know I care. She returned the same look I gave her. She understands. I don't want her to cry. She's been through too much and has baby hormones. They apparently make women cry more. If she cries, I will cry too. My heart won't be able to stand her pain. We both have to be strong for each other and for the babies, you, my precious boy, and hers.

I offered for her to stay the night with me and you after dinner. She declined with a smirk and pointedly looked at some of Jack's clothes neatly folded on the top of the dresser by the maids. I was flushed and my cheeks were pink.

Jack and I don't try to hide things from our friends, but we don't openly talk about it. Jack isn't a "kiss and tell" guy, thank goodness. Our shelters were a few feet to yards from each other at the beach camp so there wasn't much privacy, especially for couples.

We learned to selectively ignore things. It doesn't mean people didn't talk about it later on, rib each other or gossip. That's what the term coconut grapevine means, how the gossip spread quickly. Sawyer coined that one. He was the master of nicknames. I didn't have time for gossip. I kept myself busy.

Jack said it looked like I had a hard time staying put in one place after the crash. I did. I just me running away unless Smokey was after me. Being part of a group changed me. I was running _to_ things and people, then I learned to not run at all. I had energy and wanted to help and be involved with missions, hikes, gathering food, getting water for people on the beach and more. I did whatever I could to help.

I had a greater appreciation for what your Grandpa Sam, my Dad, taught me. He showed me how to survive in the wilderness. Those skills were a gift most people don't have. You can't put a price tag on that. It gave me confidence and I felt like an asset, not a liability, to the camp. It restored me some and was a way for me to pay back the universe for anything bad I did. I didn't want any thanks.

There is something that made me feel good about helping people in need with no expectation of thanks, if they even knew it was me. I got my picking done early for breakfast.

I wish I knew things like that when I was younger. Maybe I would have made some different choices.

I told Sun it would be okay, you and I would enjoy her company and Jack had an empty room he's wasn't using. I wanted to offer one more time in case she was just being courteous. Jack and I had nights ahead to be together, many more I hoped. I was concerned she was feeling lonely and mourning. Sun shook her head and said she needed time to herself and a long bath.

She didn't say it but knew Jack would drop by later.

He did, before and after dinner. He was relaxed and loving, his hands, lips and body showing me what was behind our exchange of looks at the market. I loved this side of him. He made me feel loved and more than beautiful.

People already thought that Jack and I were together for a while, but things got confusing when we were kidnapped and there are some things I'd rather not talk about.

We ended up with an extra person following us back to camp when we finally returned the second time after retrieving Uncle Jack. She was an Other. I don't want to talk much about her. I still didn't trust her when we left.

When I was a captive the first time, she held a gun to my head. Sawyer said she would have shot me with no problem.

She flipped me onto the floor the second time I was there. I was locked in a room and it knocked the wind out of me. I was afraid of what they were going to do to me and had to get away. Of course, I had a pool cue in my hand, ready to knock her out before I ended up gasping on the floor.

I got my revenge later. I pinned her down and got some good punches in before dislocating her shoulder. Of course, I had to put it back in and save her from the smoke monster. The island made strange bedfellows.

* * *

I found I sleep well as long as Jack is next to me, his arm around me or mine draped over his chest. I like it best when he is curled around me, like we are two spoons embracing. He sleeps well too. We don't need crushed up sleeping pills like the ones I gave him to force him to rest.

I wonder if he has ever forgiven me for it? I'm still not sorry. The anti-anxiety medication he got for me remained untouched. His arms are all I need.

That night, we were in bed talking. He faced me with his head propped up on his hand. I could see his bicep in the moonlight and ran my fingers over it gently. He said we could have solved his island insomnia issues months ago if he only knew I was the cure.

He added that he should have carried me cave-man style to the caves or made a double tent on the beach for us. He tickled me lightly when he said that. I tried to stifle my laughs and get away from him but he put his arm around me and dragged me back across the bed so I was pressed up against him.

He wouldn't have forced me to live anywhere so the thought of it is funny to me. It would have been interesting to our fellow survivors and something else to share on the coconut grapevine.

He kissed me softly after slowly pushing my hair back from my face and stroking my cheek with the back of his fingers. His kiss made me tip my head back for a moment and sigh in satisfaction.

Being wrapped up in his arms so close that I can feel his heartbeat is heaven and made my temperature rise, something he could feel radiating from my bare skin. He made a trail of kisses along my jaw and down my neck. Then he started tickling me again, dragging me back as I giggled and inched away.

He finally pinned me down so I couldn't escape. I didn't want to. He left me breathless that night.

You had a little crib in the hotel room so Uncle Jack and I didn't have to share the bed with your sweet self. The next day was going to be a long one in the air, so we made sure to get some sleep.

Hawaii was 3 plane rides from Sumba and far, far away.

I love you little man,

Mommy Kate


	4. Chapter 4: Lost It in Oahu

_A/N: Thank you for the reviews!_

* * *

Dear Aaron,

You slept through that night and woke with a smile, making little noises. You had two fingers in your mouth, tasting them. You are starting to suck on things other than the bottle. You like sucking on my thumb or finger and rejected the pacifier we bought. You made a "yuck" face and spit it out when you realized nothing's coming out for you to drink. It's in the waste bin now. At least you don't have teeth yet to bite me.

You also decided you liked to be held facing outwards when awake. I guess you don't want to miss out on anything. You give people a toothless grin sometimes when they talk to you or me. I couldn't ask for a better baby as your new Mommy. You have Mommy Claire's sunny personality. She's cheerful, friendly and easy going, like you. I decided I will buy a baby book to keep track of how you're changing and fill it with photos. Hopefully she can see it someday.

Jack and I woke after you did, hearing your little noises and waving your hands around. He offered to feed you while I showered as long as I take care of the diaper after. I reminded him you already had a wet diaper on and the new rule: The first one that picks you up in the morning changes your super soaked bottom. He laughed softly, shook his head and looked at you asking "What are we going to do about your Mommy Kate?" It was a sweet moment. I wished I could have captured it to look at when I needed something to make me smile.

I was in my birthday suit when he asked. After he said that to you, I jumped in the shower so he couldn't ask me anything else.

The flight was in the morning. We were taken to the Tambolaka Airport, a small place that looked like a local strip a private owner might have for a Cessna 152. That's a 2-seater airplane. Grandpa Sam's ex-army buddy had one.

When I was little, he took Grandpa on flights sometimes when Grandpa was on leave. They would fly over our house. Grandpa would tell Grandma Diane what time to send me out to look for them. I would hear it before seeing it. The plane would fly low enough for me to see them waving at me, arms out the window. Diane would stand on the porch, but I would run and jump while waving, wanting to see if I could keep up with them. It was exciting to me to see my Dad in the sky.

That was before he packed up and left, but it wasn't his fault.

We boarded a "puddle jumper," a small airplane with one person on each side of the row, to Bali. I think it had 40 seats at the most. The men, especially Jack, had to stoop to get in the door after climbing the metal stairs and stoop over when walking to their seats. The ceiling was low.

Sun and I could walk upright. It wasn't full flight. The pilots had to balance the passengers weight on each side and stagger everyone throughout the plane. I felt bad for Hurley. He's a sensitive guy and I didn't want them to offend him. Jack intervened when they first asked Hurley weight questions. In a low voice, he suggested he and Sayid would counterbalance him on the opposite side. That seemed to appease the pilot and avoided an issue.

I got to sit across from Jack thankfully. The flight was a mild form of torture. It was an older model plane and I could faintly smell fumes after we took off. Nothing was burning but it made the air unpleasant. We were sitting in the middle over the wings. I had to hand you to Uncle Jack and pull out the barf bag. It was too bouncy and the smell was giving me a headache. I started to think black rafts are a better option.

Sun sat 2 rows behind and across from me. She looked green and her eyes were closed. I couldn't believe she was able to keep her food down. The fume-laden flight was less than an hour. I sucked in air like a drowning person when I exited the plane.

I think you found the flight soothing because you slept, two fingers in your mouth, on Uncle Jack's shoulder. I wish I had a camera to capture that too, but it would have been blurry and I was clutching the barf bag tightly, just in case.

Next, we were escorted to first class on an international Oceanic plane. It was much bigger than the plane to Sydney. Karen Decker and her assistant traveling with us and made sure we were settled and approved our seat arrangement. They sat in the front row together. There was nobody else in first class except for our group. It must be on purpose to keep us from interacting with passengers or them bothering us.

Was our rescue on the news yet? I tried not to think about that or what's ahead. I needed to stay calm. Letting my mind race ahead into unknowns made me anxious. I had spent a long time trying to fly under the radar. I never wanted to be on the world stage, especially after making "America's Most Wanted" thanks to obsessed Ed who tacked on charges and allegations to escalate my case.

It was a long flight with 3 meals and snacks. We flew from Bali, Indonesia to Oahu, Hawaii. From there we were going to be taken by plane to Honolulu, Hawaii for the press conference and to meet family members that came. The time change would make it the next day when we landed.

We would lose time, not that it mattered. I didn't wear or own a watch anymore. I hope we have stamina after three flights. We survived the island from hell and its dangers, sometimes when sleep-deprived. I thought we would be able too, even if dog-tired except it would be hard on Sun. I don't know about you, doodle bug.

You're a great little traveler for being so tiny. Thank God you aren't a baby that cries on planes. It would have been miserable for everyone in earshot. I was concerned about that. Jack said the flight could hurt your little ear drums, something that worried me. I am so grateful he knew these things.

He took the initiative to take care of you, sweet baby, instead of handing you to me with verbal instructions. He seemed more comfortable and confident. He fed you a bottle at takeoff and when we landed so your ears wouldn't pop. He said the sucking helped stabilize the ear pressure.

Jack wasn't just being a doctor. I saw the tender way he looked at you and touched your cute face or nose. I heard how he softly talks to you, telling you things when he thought I wasn't listening. Sometimes he put his pointer finger in your palm and watched how tightly you gripped it, even when asleep. Your tiny fingers barely encircled it. It amused him how strong you were. Sometimes he couldn't get his finger back without starting to pull you up too. He loves you, little bug. We all do.

During the flight, we had seats that converted into private beds. We had two flight attendants with Karen overseeing them. That must have been intimidating for them. I saw Karen giving them crisp instructions and their body language. I wouldn't want to trade places with those ladies.

I've never flown first class before or seen seats that convert to beds on a plane. I loved it. Most of our group each had their own row of two seats that convert into beds or one bigger bed. Jack and I shared a row with you. Jack was on the aisle. He chose it purposefully.

I noticed when we sat together at a restaurant, he positions himself closer to the entrance and faced it. He preferred me to be seated beside him further from the door if we were in a group. If I sat across from him, I caught him glancing up whenever someone comes in. It's a way of protecting me and is very subtle. He also did something Grandpa Sam did when we walked side-by-side. That experience was limited to Sumba and the Bali airport so far.

My Dad, Sam, and I would walk on Main Street in downtown Ames after parking. It was a small town with locally owned stores. We would go there if he needed something. He would always stop and get ice cream for both of us and talk to the owner of the place. He made me walk to the right of him closer to the stores and not on the curb.

I wanted to balance on the curb but Dad wouldn't let me. He didn't usually curtail that kind of fun for me so I asked him why. He said long ago, there were horses and carriages using the streets but the streets were mud, not paved. A man did that to protect a lady's from getting splashed with mud or dirt and also shield her a bit when people passed by, going the opposite way on the walk.

I don't know if Jack did it instinctually or if he learned it. Did his Dad or Grandfather teach him that or was he just born a protector? It's charming and romantic. I don't have to be protected all the time, but won't say that to him. I knew this was what he did and I let him. It's chivalry from an era long ago.

I raised the divider to make one bed when we were tired. I put you in the middle and we slid the curtain, locked it, and curled around you when we were needed sleep. It's a nice feeling, like we're a little family in our own little cocoon and world.

Jack made a comment we should take an adult-only vacation in one of these someday and quietly be a part of a certain mile-high club. He said we wouldn't be the first. Only he would tempt me to risk some fun with people so close. And he's a respectable doctor! It must be that hardcore side of him I teased him about. I don't know how serious he is but I like this side of him. He was running his fingers along my face, arm, the dip of my waist and hip as I faced him in the bed. We discussed it in whispers.

The hours went by quicker than I anticipated between sleeping, caring for you and the meals they fed us. They had vegetarian food for me and the desserts. God, the desserts were pure ecstasy in my mouth. It almost made up for no adult time on this flight. I had two helpings of the red velvet cake with cheesecake as icing.

* * *

When we reached Oahu, we were taken to the Oceanic Executive Club to rest and freshen up. Karen put us in a private room in the back that had to be unlocked. It was nicer than the regular Executive Club. There was food, drinks, chairs, computers, larger lounge chairs that convert to beds, plush blankets we could keep and a staff member outside the door to assist us.

Everything was understated, high quality and elegant. There were spacious men's and women's executive bathrooms. The stalls had teak wood walls from floor to ceiling. There was even a shower in each and amenities for that. These rooms are probably for the rich and famous.

It looks like they rolled out the red carpet or this was the best way to hide us.

Karen returned briefly. She had manila envelopes for each of us with new passports, copies of U.S. driver's licenses if anyone had one, and something for you, Aaron Samuel Austen's birth certificate copies. I was listed as your mother along the details Jack provided for date and place. He had signed the form earlier for Karen to expedite and file. I left the space for father blank. I wasn't going to make up a name. If I married, I would hope my spouse would adopt you if Mommy Claire and our friends are truly gone.

We will be a package deal, little man, and he better be all in or no husband for me. I don't want anyone that can't put your needs first and give you the love and nurturing you need. I already went through that. To say it was damaging would be an understatement. I have secret hopes but don't count my chickens before the eggs are hatched. I have felt bonded to Jack since the day I sewed him but don't know what will happen when we return to civilization.

We stayed in close proximity while relaxing so nobody would hear our conversation. I said in a soft voice I think they are trying to keep us from interacting with the public. Sayid agreed and saw the same thing, same as Jack. Sun was resting and was glad we weren't dealing with crowds.

Hurley wondered if and what people knew about us and if Oceanic was trying to prevent us from being mobbed or giving out information? Karen Decker hadn't talked to us about the news except the press conference. Was that going to be the big reveal that we survived?

Hurley turned on CNN to answer our questions. Sure enough, each of our names were scrolling across the bottom of the screen including "5-week-old Aaron Austen, son of the ex-Most Wanted List fugitive Kate Austen, suspected of murder, arson..." he listed the charges. The blood drained out of my face as I heard that.

A picture was being shown that someone took when we were all barely out of the raft after arriving at Sumba. We looked exhausted, filthy and tired. You, little man, were barely visible. I was holding you closely wrapped in the blue blanket so only the crown of your tiny head was showing.

It felt invasive, like a picture of a private moment between all of us. I knew that this must be the big story now, playing over and over in a loop.

Then he went on about my being a fugitive believed dead but was rescued with my baby that I gave birth to on the island. He said I was deemed a danger to the public before and questioned if I still was. He asked when authorities will pursue charges and apprehend me. The whole time the newscaster speculated, my old mugshot was displayed next to him from when I was initially captured by Marshal Ed before I escaped, kicking him out of the car that rainy night.

I felt angry and my heart hammered as I held you close. Would this change things and put pressure on the legal system to do something? Jack's neck was flushed and red. He snapped and told Hurley to turn it off. Hurley quickly did and tossed the remote like it was poisonous. He looking disgusted.

Sun patted my back and Jack rubbed my knee. I wanted to tell them I'm okay so they wouldn't worry, but the words wouldn't come. I wasn't ready to deal with this. Nobody told me I was on the news, my mugshot and alleged and exaggerated crimes being listed.

I was starting to lose control of my legs and arms and needed to be alone. I didn't want them to see me upset or weak. I also didn't want the people closest to me to view me like that newsman, who doesn't know me or what really happened. He was dry, talking about me flatly like I was a serial killer.

I felt Jack's intense stare on me, even though I was bent over at the waist. The panic that was gone a few days, those glorious days we were ignorant and living in the moment, was clawing its way back up through my body and squeezing my chest tight in its fist. Jack took you quickly and handed you to Hurley. You were wide awake and beginning to fuss.

Without thinking, I bolted for the ladies' room, forgetting my shaking legs were too unstable to outrun anyone. I heard Jack quickly tell Sayid to not let anyone in. I wanted to hide before I cried, to save them from see me like this, weak, unworthy, and painted as a monster by the news.

Jack cut me off when I stumbled against a chair. He grabbed me from behind, wrapping his arms around me and pinning them to my side so I couldn't get away. That's when I threw my head back and to scream and cry. I struggling in vain to get free and push him away. I started to kick and thrash, forgetting in the moment who held me.

My body acted like a car speeding with no driver. A detached portion of my brain wondered where my self-control and poker face went?

I was whipped with the belt buckle side leaving cuts and stripes on my legs and didn't cry. That started when I was 8 years-old.

I stared at gun barrels pointed at me when on the run and didn't flinch.

I could escape almost anything.

I screamed at him to let me go while sobbing and twisting to get out of his arms. I ended up bent over and a sound came out of me that I didn't recognize, some kind of deep wail.

I went limp in brief resignation, still crying and angry. I wasn't aware of much except Sun's shoes. She must have said something to Jack because he let go of me. I scrambled and two seconds later I was in the oversized bathroom show stall. I curled up in a ball and facing the corner while keening, knees to chest and rocking myself automatically.

Uncle Jack wouldn't leave me alone. He came in slowly, like I was a wounded animal and tentatively draped his arms around me.

My panic was continuing to escalate because my mind was running 100 miles per hour. Between sobbing, and keening, words poured loudly out of my mouth in a stream punctuated by coughs from my throat tightening.

I had officially lost my mind.

I yelled that I didn't want them to see me like this. The press is going to roast me alive. Everyone would hate me. I didn't do all that stuff. Marshal hated me. He pressed his body against mine and said things. He set me up. The police killed Tommy. Jack would hate me. All of my friends will hate me. They will abandon me. Everybody abandons me. Nobody would love me. I can't deal with no friends again. I don't want to be alone. I can't do this anymore.

It was a torrent that slowed as I choked out Aaron's name. My airway was then cut off, silencing me. The panic finally squeezing off my words, sobs, and air. Then, the vomiting began.

Jack spun me to face the drain. He sat beside me, pushing head between my knees and held back my hair. I was vomiting nothing but bile with barely a coffee straw full of air in between. I panicked from the lack of air. I saw grey spots and slumped against his leg, my heart flopping in my chest like a fish and my brain convincing me everything was slipping away: No air, no friends, no baby, no Jack.

I felt my body being lifted and heard him shouting but don't know what he said. Feet came in. Wheels. You wailed. Sun cried. Voices. More yelling.

I was fading and hated myself for hurting my friends. I clawed my throat weakly while suffocating. A canister appeared. Familiar fingers placed cannulas under my nose. Something stung me. That's the last thing I remember I before everything went black.

* * *

I heard steady, soft beeping noises. I was in a bed, covered. I felt the blanket under my fingertips without moving. Soft voices spoke and a curtain rustled. My arm hurt. My throat was sore. I dozed a bit, then heard voices. Whispers. Like the jungle.

My eyes opened quickly in alarm. I blinked several times because of the light and had no idea where I was. My throat was dry.

A large, warm hand covered mine and I heard wheels squeak as a chair slid over. I could breathe. Jack's face came into view. My mind felt groggy. He looked at me, my eyes and face, his brown eyes tracing them with love and concern. His brows were knitted together with worry. He stroked my hair back on the top of my head. I tried to focus on him. I moved my left arm and winced.

He told I had an i.v. and said we were still at the airport in an on-site medical facility. He insisted they treat my panic attack there and not transfer me to the public hospital.

My brain felt fried. I started to drift, then opened them, worried, wondering where my little man was. I tried to say your name but my voice was raspy. It both throat hurt and tickled when I talked. I coughed. He told me not to talk. He got a cup of water with a straw and told me to take a little sip while he talks instead.

I wanted to shrink and cover my face. I started to remember that I lost it _big time_ , the worst episode ever. This time it was in front of people I cared about, trusted, respected, and considered a kind of family after all we've been through together. How could I face them now? I felt so stupid. How could they love or respect me after seeing that mess and the news? I was beyond embarrassed and looked away.

He stopped talking and asked me to look at him. I couldn't. I loved him but how could he love me now, especially back home where he's an important doctor? The news woke me up to reality. I might ruin his reputation by association.

I didn't do all of those things but I am not innocent. I felt low, like I was I dirty and tainted most of my life. I had regressed, but I didn't care as much back then like I did now. I had more at stake and my heart was on the line. Tears welled up as my heartrate accelerated.

Jack sighed and stood. I could see him glance at the monitors. I felt him his hands on each side of my face, but closed my eyes. He kissed my brow, then my mouth softly. That forced me to open my eyes. I wondered why he did that. He put the straw in my mouth again so I could sip and then took the cup back.

He told me to breathe deeply. He looked at me carefully, then leaned back a bit to relax. My surge of panic subsided as he told me that you were perfectly fine. That caught my interest. He continued on to say that your Sun had you. He watched me for a moment, gauging my reaction.

He talked slowly, his words seeping into my brain. I had a major panic attack and was in crisis. I was doing better but needed rest. He wasn't surprised with all I've been through.

He said he wouldn't be surprised if everyone in our group did at some point from the island or have some trauma-related issues that would come out later.

He paused while it sank in and to make sure he still had my attention. I met his eyes finally.

He told me our friends wanted to have a group talk with me. My eyes fell at that. What would they say? Was I going to be excluded and be an outsider again? It was something I was familiar with growing up. Now that I experienced something better, despite the circumstances around it, I didn't want to be on the outside anymore.

I looked at him with the question in my face. He said to not talk and gave me another sip. He reassured me it would be good, maybe healing and not just for me. He told me they all cared about me. It doesn't matter what the press or world thought. Those people don't know us including me.

He sighed and leaned in closer. He took my small hand into both of his and stroked the top gently. He said that he loved me. He knew I had carried a big burden including the legal stuff and asked me to let him help get me through it.

The fog was just beginning to lift from my brain. He asked if I was okay with him talking or if I wanted to rest. I told him to talk.

He said I gave everyone a scare including him. He was leaning in and whispering by then. He had checked again to make sure nobody was around. The group already knew about the panic attack I had when Karen talked about my legal issues but didn't realize how bad it was. This one was much worse and the second time that Oceanic triggered it.

He reminded me I had panicked on the island and asked me if I remembered. I frowned and shook my head slightly. He mentioned the first time the smoke monster chased us and he heard me screaming his name. It was in my voice. He said I was panicking when I was trying to get away from him in the jungle and we ended up having our first kiss. Another time was when he was telling me to leave him over the walkie. I was panicking.

He said it can come from fear, stress and anxiety, triggering bad memories or trauma. Lots of people panic or have attacks get but usually milder than the one I just had. He's panicked. An example was when he cut the 16 year-old girl's Dural sack. Fear made him panic.

He looked at me and asked if I had panic attacks before the island as bad as the ones in the past week. I shook my head and told him never. Not even growing up. He considered the information and said we need to find a way to control and stop them if they continue. We can do that in the States.

He gave me another sip. I tried to clear my throat. I asked him to remove the i.v. He smiled wryly and said no, I was dehydrated. They also needed it as a medication port. I was given something to relax. I didn't like that. I asked slowly how I was supposed to take care of Aaron, but he cut off my sentence, putting his finger on my lips. He said they had to give me medicine. He made them and approved what it was and the dosage. Jack made sure I received what I needed, nothing more.

When I stopped breathing, my body couldn't move air and my blood oxygen levels were dropping fast. Body tissues start to die without oxygen in the cells. The medicine relaxed my nervous system and muscles, helping me rapidly during a critical time. It prevented them from putting a tube down my throat and using a bag to help me breathe. My throat was probably irritated from the acid in the bile.

I asked about the press conference. He laughed softly and put his palms together in front of his mouth, elbows on his knees. He said Karen Decker rescheduled it. He wiped his eyes with his fingers and resumed, saying she had apologized profusely for not telling us about the press release and felt responsible for what happened to me. It was also wrong of her to assume we could do one after such a long trip, flying almost 14 hours so far on 2 flights.

She came racing in when Jack was yelling at the medic to give me the damn drug first and stop trying to put a tube down my throat. He demanded to know how much medical training the guy had. He said our entire group blamed her and Oceanic. She's our handler and liaison so she was front line.

Karen was visibly upset for the first time about the domino effect. She had the new mom in crisis and passed out. The other pregnant survivor was crying and angry. The men were angry and baby was crying. It was probably her worst nightmare.

The reins she held tightly had escaped her grip and the horse had run away.

Jack excused himself for a moment but said he had more to tell me. I heard him walk away and talk to someone, probably about my being awake. A man in scrubs with a clipboard showed up moments later wheeling a thermometer cart and blood pressure. He said hello politely and said I gave them quite a scare. I gave small nod only. He took my temperature and b.p., and wrote notes after looking at the monitor. He left quickly.

Jack came back a few minutes later with a coffee. He sat, smiling and whispered they are supposed to check me every 15 minutes but have slacked off, either because he's a doctor or because he yelled at them more than once. He started to tell me what I missed out on. I think he wanted to bolster me, not just pass the time.

Sun was upset about the news and what it did to me. They heard every word I said in the shower. I blanched. I didn't want them to. She cried because I said I felt unworthy, thinking she would turn her back on me, her closest friend, and that they would abandon me based on what outsiders said. She didn't know I thought so poorly of myself. She told him this later when she called from the hotel to check on me.

He said during the chaos, Sun turned into a formidable mama bear. She was livid and squared off with Karen, demanding an answer on why we weren't being told about the press release. Why weren't we told what the media was saying about me and about that picture? The world didn't know me, but she and my friends did.

Sun said that Marshal was a jerk and behaved inappropriately with me when I was his captive. He set me up, lied and exaggerated some of the charges. He was a sick, obsessed bastard. Was that in the press release? She stated coldly that we need to regroup and decide if we want to do the press conference with Oceanic.

If we did and the reporters harassed me about charges, we would all would walk out immediately. After that, we would collectively consider our options if we weren't protected, fully informed and shown more respect for what we've been through.

Jack said Sun didn't yell but her voice was raised and firm, full of authority and spoke as the leader. Karen knows her background, her family and Sun wouldn't make idle threats. Sun inferred that things could get ugly but didn't have to elaborate.

Ugly meant attorneys, a lawsuit, Oceanic would lose control of what was being said to the media, that's bad for their company and stock. They risked paying many times over what we might settle for plus our attorney fees. He smiled and said now he understood what I meant when I said people should be more afraid of Sun when we were at the market.

Sayid spoke up too. He said I had already told them the truth about everything and they all believe and will vouch for me as he stated before. I was one of the reasons why we survived. I had survival skills my Dad, a decorated officer in the army, taught me.

My friends knew about my past, that I was a fugitive, and did not care. Our group would protect me and they expected Oceanic to do everything in their power to do the same. The Oceanic crash was the reason why we were all in the spotlight now, something we all despised. We were just lucky to be alive out of the 324 souls on board. Aaron wasn't even on the manifest.

Hurley was standing while trying to soothe you, little bug. You were wailing for the first time in ages. Jack thinks you knew I was upset. Hurley shook his head at Karen and told her "Not cool, dude." She knows he's rich and has time and money to fight. He said he's never seen me this upset ever, or the baby, and how could Oceanic forget there are two women and two babies involved? Why didn't they warn us about the press and what they were saying? Why were they were hiding us from the public? Even if it was for our protection, they should have been honest.

Hurley reminded her we operate as a group and have decisions to make, but I needed a few days of rest. We all did. We were rescued only a few days ago and haven't had time to recover. We don't want to be rushed into a conference this way.

Jack said only a few things to her before I was rushed into a medical vehicle with him. He demanded they keep me on site and said he's going to treat me. He asked what were the geniuses at Oceanic thinking? Did she tell them about what happened a few days ago when she discussed legal issues with me? Did anyone think this negative media blitz targeting me might trigger another attack? Did anyone care I have a newborn baby depending on me? Or that we've all been through hell for 108 days? This makes it 109.

He said Karen is doing damage control now. She seemed to genuinely care and was lining up a few executives for mea culpas. It was part of trying to smooth things over with us. She said the head of marketing wants to meet with us personally, Mr. Press Release, but nobody in our group seems interested in listening to groveling and meaningless words. They are just trying to cover their butts.

It gave me a lot to think on. I can't believe they all defended me. I felt I had let them down by crumbling. I'm supposed to help and protect them and don't want to be the weak link in the group.

As I sifted through the words Jack said, I remembered the phrase about having my back and what it really means, being back to back. They had my back. I had not just one person but several that stood up for me. I was deeply touched. I needed them and they came through. I didn't want to face the world alone anymore.

The panic attack dredged up out my worst fears and demons. I don't think like that on a daily basis. I need to be stable for my doodle bug.

Jack told me everyone was at the hotel now. The press conference was postponed for at least another two days. They would push it out more if we weren't ready. The parents are staying in Honolulu at the request of the group.

Jack told his Mom about the attack. He reassured me she won't tell anyone. She used to have anxiety issues and would understand. It also bought us more time. We all needed time to rest and regroup before facing anyone from the outside. That included family.

We sat in silence while he gave me more water. He said Karen Decker may stop by. She did earlier to check on me and apologize again. She didn't think about the other panic attack or how bad the baby hormones are before and after birth. She said they were awful for her and she should have remembered.

He smiled when saying that. He leaned in while clasping my hand, rubbing it with both of his. He whispered to me if we have a baby someday, I will do better. He will keep me happy. In the meantime, he was going to do everything in his power to help me put this all behind me and help, just like I always helped him. I blushed at the mention of us having a baby. Did he mean it or was he just trying to make me feel better? We were careful. I had a calendar now. Careful enough.

I whispered baby as a question. He gave me one of his Jack looks I can't say no to and said we'll talk about that later, but it's one of the things he wants to talk to me about after we get back and settle. He said he loves me and I a great mom to Aaron. He doesn't want to let me go. He kissed my hand and continued to hold it.

The words and thoughts he put in my head were filling up my empty mind and heart and distracting me. It rekindled the hope I was already had for us but was bereft during and after my meltdown. I confess a few wicked thoughts entered my mind about making a baby with him or at least practicing. It's his fault. He knew what he was doing when he said that.

He had a gleam in his eyes and sucked briefly on his bottom lip. I blushed and looked at it, wanting to bite it but was too tired. He said none of that tonight, not until after I am fully rested. I sighed. I was just grateful he is still by my side and wants any kind future with me.

* * *

Later, I was discharged with instructions. I tossed them. I had Jack and he had that pill bottle already that I wouldn't need. I was in a wheelchair, another thing I didn't like. We discreetly departed, getting into a waiting limo at an employee exit.

Oahu Four Seasons. My gosh. It was beyond description and Oceanic was paying for everything, no limits. I couldn't stop looking at things, the décor, the parrots in cages. It was overwhelming. I could hear the ocean. He took me up to our room, arm around my waist to support me. We had a prime ocean front suite with a balcony and our friends were in the suites next to us. Jack mentioned the stores, private rooms in restaurants, large cabanas with our own bartender and waiter. I felt a little overwhelmed at the information.

He backed off the amenities and said we can stay in the room too with no clothes on and order in too, but he had one request. He played with my hand, looking at it. He said he wanted me to go with Sun and get massaged, manicures, pedicures, haircuts, anything we want to feel good. He added Sun could probably use it to relax and would enjoy my company. Now I have to go. He knew that I wouldn't send her alone.

He said I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever laid eyes on, inside and out. He wanted me to buy anything that made me feel attractive, here or back home, and would be glad to assist me in the dressing room. He was fine with fancy undergarments too. He gave me a sultry grin. I love playful Jack.

* * *

It's late. Sun had you in her room, but Uncle Hurley told Uncle Jack to inform me you are walking now, it's been that long. Uncle Jack rolled his eyes when he relayed that part. I give him crooked smile. It crept up on the right sight of my face. He put his finger on my dimple gently and stroked my cheek with that one finger. His eyes sparkled. He said he loved my smiles. I love his too.

I was exhausted and not hungry but had a stomach ache. He gave me something for stomach acid and a tall bottled water. He made me drink some. He must have made them put together a medicine kit for him. It's from the clinic.

Uncle Jack helped me strip and I fell into the softest bed and pillows ever. I literally felt my remaining energy being sucked away by the bed as it called me to dreamland. I didn't care about clothes. He looked at me and smiled.

He offered to get my baby doll pajamas but I flicked my hand weakly to banish that thought. I closed my eyes and heard him undress and crawl into bed, wrapping his warm, toned flesh around me. I was asleep shortly after.

I'm sorry you cried, precious boy, and I couldn't comfort you. I'm sure you got lots of love from Sun and the few people I trust with you. I can't wait to see you in the morning. Your smiles will cure me faster than any medicine.

I love you my brave little man,

Mommy Kate


	5. Chapter 5: Ko Olina: Place of Joy Part 1

Dear Aaron,

I hope you slept well, little bug, and let Sun sleep. I needed extra rest. Jack and I needed time together. I needed to reconnect with him.

Need, now that's an interesting word. That's something I used to avoid. It's hard not to need anyone and gets lonely.

The lower my expectations of people, the less chance I would be disappointed, so I tried to avoid needing anything. I learned that because my Dad was gone a lot when I needed him. I learned that because of other things, like my birthday.

There were no birthday parties after my Dad left. When I was younger, I would get a small, homemade cake with a candle in it and gift from Diane. When I was older, it was a piece of pie, originally wrapped in cellophane from the diner she would give me along a small gift.

She worked long hours at the diner. Sometimes it was few dollars newly put in a birthday card. I could tell because the flap was still wet from being licked. By high school, it was nothing. Things were bad at home and worse over the years. I wondered if the long hours Diane worked gave her an escape from her devil husband that was waiting for her at home.

Need to me is food, water, air or helps me survive. There's no substitute for it. Sometimes I need to talk to my Dad. Because of his deployments and my situation, I have nobody to blame except myself. He's a good man, an honest one. I believe he loves me but I disappointed him.

I am starting to need your Jack, his arms, all of him. It's a dangerous feeling for me to need a man. I want to trust he won't take me for granted, ignore and throw me away someday. I am the type that would rather make a clean cut now to spare me the heartache.

He has been crossing boundaries no man has in my heart and doing it with my permission. Wanting a person is different. It's easier to get over if you don't get what you want. It's a "nice to have" thing. My heart says be cautious with needing him. My mind is mostly on board and body is all in. I don't know what it will take to get them all in agreement.

* * *

I slept soundly. It was light outside, filtering through the sides of the curtains that block sunlight. I rolled over and slung my leg and arm over him while nestling my head on his chest, feeling his scattered chest hair; the perfect amount. He was on his back and arm moved down to hold me. The other one reached across his chest to take my hand. I listened to his heartbeat contentedly while moving with the rise and fall of his chest.

I had no idea what the time or day was. Our body clocks were messed up with travel. I peeked up at him. He was awake. He shifted and laid on his side facing me, just inches away. His appreciative gaze traveled across my face and eyes, then down my body. When he looked at me I don't feel the need to cover up. His expression was that of a man looking at something captivating. His hands and fingers followed the trail of his gaze, from my face, shoulders, and down my side to my leg. His fingers stroked the back of my thigh by my knee. I shivered, wanting to close the small gap between us.

He asked how I felt. I answered by leaning forward to kiss him with the desire I felt. I started by sucking on his lower lip, the one I wanted to bite last night. I savored it briefly, then gently moved closer for more. He took over, startling me a bit. He met my lips and tongue with force stemming from a deep hunger. My craving matched his instantly. He closed the gap fast by tightening the grip on my left thigh he was playing with, pulling over his hip firmly, his needs more than obvious. His broad chest and muscular torso pressed into mine.

He's much taller and stronger than me. Usually he's gentle, but he was a little rough with his movement, wanting to possess me quickly. My hands ran over his muscular arms, sides and slid to his back as his roamed my body, making my skin tingle. He claimed me smoothly without breaking our kiss. Our legs were tangled then untangled.

The world around me faded into nothing as pleasure enveloped my entire being.

* * *

I woke later in bed by myself. Jack was sitting in a chair, drinking coffee and had a table in the room. It had a white tablecloth and several dishes covered in silver, surrounding the coffee carafe, condiments and small flower vase. I felt around quickly to make sure I was covered and frowned at him, asking when service came in?

He raised his eyebrow and gave me a cryptic smile. He said wouldn't I like to know? He didn't even have to give him a tip after a seeing at me. I knew he was joking. He wouldn't dare. I threw a pillow at him anyways. He managed to bat it away and save his coffee from spilling, giving me a triumphant look.

After I showered, we both sat and ate. I asked about you, doodle bug. He said you were happy. Oceanic had sent some baby gear and he took it to Sun's room. You had an infant bouncy seat plus a Baby Einstein Play Gym to lay on the floor and be entertained. They also sent a Baby Bjorn carrier, tiny sunhat, t-shirt, swim shorts and sunglasses, and more baby supplies.

I was eating the inside part of my toast, the part that was buttered, and asked "Why now?" He shrugged, finishing my bread crusts I piled up. He said they are sucking up but this time to Aaron and let them. We can have them ship the stuff home. _Home_. I smiled secretly when he said that. We have a home to go to and settle my little man in. The big man would be there too. I looked at him biting the inside of lip with pleasure at the thought.

I asked when the group was meeting was. He said this evening, which was in a few hours at that point. Your Hurley was making arrangements in Jack's empty suite for food and comfortable seating. Our suites were just under 2,000 square feet. That's more floor space than most people's homes.

I asked if this was totally necessary. I felt better today. He sighed and took my hand. He said yes, it is. It's not just for me, although I was the catalyst. It's for all us to reconnect before we face everyone, family, press and the world.

I yawned during the meal. The previous day and night had taken its toll. Jack told me to rest. I told him I wanted to see you, little bug. He said he would see if you were awake. We would lay low, rest until it's time if I was okay with that. I agreed.

He asked if I felt anxious. I asked him do I looked anxious? He sized me up and said a little. I shouldn't be. These are our friends we've been through so much with: the hardships, outside attacks, fighting side by side, working together, losses shared and day to day living, laughing and crying with them.

They are the only people that escaped with us. I looked away for a moment. I glanced back at him, deciding to be candid and said I'm anxious about the attention after what I did and said yesterday. He reassured me it was going to be a positive experience and not embarrassing.

We need to talk business first, but that part wouldn't take long.

The next day we could go to the spa or do what we wanted to relax. He cautioned me to wear sunglasses and continue to wear loose clothes outside of the room. He had a few pairs in the room for me to choose from. We didn't need any employees dropping tips to the media that we were there or any photos leaked to the media showing my alleged "post-baby body".

He put his hands in my robe and wrapped them around my small waist. I rolled my eyes at him and said some people bounce back quick. He said not this quickly and stroked my stomach with his thumbs with his palms and fingers encasing my sides and back. Soon enough, I could wear what I want. People bounced back quickly in LA but most fans don't know the lengths some people went through. I could just be one of them. He smirked. I didn't argue about masking my figure. I would do it for you, little bug.

He didn't want anyone to question The Lie. It's another detail to be mindful of.

Jack came back in the room later with my favorite little man, you! You looked content, looking up at him as he cradled you in one arm and carried the beach bag turned diaper bag over his shoulder and the noisy play mat. He turned you over to me. I was sitting on a couch with my legs up and put you on them so you could face me.

You gurgled, eyes lighting up with as I kissed your cheeks, nose and forehead and spoke. I could tell you recognized me. Your blue eyes were wide. You tried to kicked your little legs, making noises. Sun had a onesie, tiny shorts and a large. terry cloth bib on you that said "Mommy's Boy." I don't know where that came from but I loved it. Yes. Both of your Mommies love you, dear boy. Uncle Jack sat in a chair next to us and enjoyed watching.

He said we had security assigned to us. Karen Decker had called and informed each of us earlier but I was asleep. I wasn't happy about that initially. I knew why. I asked what they would do for us? He said there were at least two on our floor but they were discreet and not standing near our doors. He said they were making sure our rooms weren't approached by anyone unauthorized. They would help avoid the public, take us down employee elevators and through back entrances depending on where we wanted to go.

He said think of it as celebrity treatment. In my case it's infamous person treatment, but I'm glad I won't be thrown to the wolves in the public. Jack said there are a lot of people that have cameras or cell phones with cameras now.

It's mid-January and the resort isn't at capacity, but there are people wandering around. We don't want to feed the media our location for a lot of reasons or have people sell the rabid vultures pictures to broadcast. It made more sense to me with the mention of cameras and bystanders. I don't want to see any new candid pictures of us. It's invasive.

I didn't mind staying in the room for now. It's a safe space. I walked around with you, looking outside, then we played with you on the bed with the play mat. Jack called his Mom, Margo, to check in. She asked about the noises with your gurgling and squeals from my tickling your feet. Jack put the phone to your mouth. It was your first phone call, a one-sided version.

She even said hello to me briefly and hoped I felt better. I thought that was kind of her, considering the news portrayal of me, but only responded with a thank you, I do and here's Jack. In the back of my mind I'm betting she's not going to like her son associating with me when she realizes we're not just friends. Jack's stubborn when his mind is made up but is it? And that's his Mom. We'll see. I sigh when he walked away. I need to push those thoughts away.

I don't know what the future will bring. I really need to stop daydreaming and be prepared for anything. Needing is dangerous. Daydreams can be too if you bank on them too much.

* * *

The view was gorgeous. The sky had a few clouds that were lit up in various hues of pink and orange and salmon. The sun was entering the golden hour before sunset. That's when everything is lit up in gold, diffused light.

The ocean looked beautiful, reflecting the colors in the sky, even gold. It was more brilliant in front of the departing sun. I could see the pool and some of the resort from our balcony. I told Jack it would be nice to vacation here someday, even though I don't like plane rides. He agreed, wrapping his arms around me from behind and kissed my neck.

It was time to go.

I carried you, little man. Jack took your play mat and diaper bag. Jack's official suite was next door. I was surprised I didn't hear noise with preparations but our large bathroom is against the shared wall. It was nice to know we weren't immediately next to one of our friends if we were too noisy that morning, namely me. Jack covered my mouth more than once, laughing while softly saying, "Shhh!" I blame him and his thorough knowledge of anatomy.

Everyone was there. I was hugged by everyone with you, little man, sandwiched in between. I looked around and was impressed. There was a long table with food for dinner and utensils needed. There was a separate sideboard with desserts and another one with drinks, from water to juices. Sparkling beverages and sodas; Beer and chilled champagne and wine plus appropriate glasses; Decorative candles were lit and placed around the room for ambience. The lights were on dim. There were two couches facing each other with two spacious lounge chairs in between and throw blankets. An oblong dining table was the middle covered with a table cloth. It could be pushed outside later.

Hurley said he wanted torches and a fire pit originally, but we would have to go to the beach. It would be windy and too exposed. I told him it was perfect and gave him a side hug since you were still cradled in my arm, thanking him for putting it all together. He said it was easy. He just told people what to do and they did it.

We made plates and got seated around the table. We all made small talk about security, amenities we won't be doing, parents calling, and any interaction with Karen Decker. It was current and future focused talk. Karen wanted to make sure we had what we needed when she called to inform us about security. Nobody opposed the extra measure. She was the one that sent the baby stuff. I could think of a lot of things to ask her for but wouldn't. The top of the list would be a red velvet cake with cheesecake as icing and strawberries on the side. If I was desperate enough to ask, the concierge could surely make one appear.

The dinner was good. I prefer smaller meals and snacks, not big ones. Jack got a plate of desserts for us to share afterwards, cakes, brownies and other confectionaries. I just sampled, breaking off small pieces. You were on a baby blanket between us on the couch. You seemed happy tasting your fingers until you were hungry. I went to get you a bottle but Jack stood quickly, holding my shoulder to make me sit. He made the bottle and fed you. We were finished eating by then. Hurley and Sayid moved the furniture and rolled the table out the door for pickup, while Jack fed you. They came back in and put the marble and wood coffee table in the center to set drinks on.

I bit my lip, wondering what was going to be said. Sun smiled at me. She was on my left in the lounge chair with a blanket over her lap. She said don't worry. She could see my slight apprehension. I had my thumbnail in my mouth upside down, tapping it underneath my front tooth.

Sun asked if we should talk business first to get it out of the way. I nodded. Jack said yes and brought you over. You were happily draining your bottle. We would talk now and regroup briefly tomorrow evening.

The press conference was discussed. There was general agreement that we would still participate when ready. It would be better to get it out of the way, would be brief, and Karen Decker would lead it and help control the reporters. She had thrown herself on the sword with the lack of information provided that caused all the issues. We declined talking to their executives, citing the need for rest. We didn't have to answer anything now. That was left up to us and we would decide and inform her tomorrow.

The resort offerings were tempting, but there was consensus we would stay low profile and avoid the public as much as possible. Sunglasses, hats, etc. should be worn, same as your Jack advised, and we agreed to let security help us navigate to different areas, but split up, not as a group of 6 including Aaron in between places.

Nothing about the rescue or island could be discussed in front of outsiders. We weren't going to interact with any or get sucked into a conversation or risk our pictures being taken. We would use false names at the spa for anyone that goes. Karen Decker suggested that. I said I would go with Sun if she wants but nothing that involves me disrobing. She and Jack understood. It's one of those details Jack talks about.

Negotiations would commence after we settled in L.A. Hotel accommodations were offered on the site we would meet with them. We would confirm with Oceanic the date to commence. I listened. In my mind I saw a lot of stuffed suits with folders and a man with an accountant's calculator sitting opposite of us. If we worked directly with them, it would go quicker. If we got an attorney, we may get more but it would drag out a bit and the attorneys would get at least a 30 percent cut.

Oceanic had already promised a $25,000 stipend every two-weeks each, separate from the settlement, until we reached our agreement. That's in addition to hotel accommodations, car rentals or needs above and beyond what was provided. We agreed that was reasonable. L.A. was expensive and some of us had nothing. Some of us would stay permanently, some would be there temporarily until everything concluded.

If we weren't happy with the negotiations, we could walk away and hire a firm to handle it for us as a lawsuit. It was a minor question but I asked about what to do about Aaron. Should I bring him? Hurley said don't worry about it. His Ma would take him in a heartbeat unless someone had another option. He didn't want to tread on Jack's toes and looked at him. Jack said he could ask his Mom but it had been decades for her, despite her hints for grandchildren in the past. He chuckled softly to himself.

There was a lull in talk. With my friends, those kinds of silences were comfortable. We had plenty of those around campfires at night and had gotten used to it. People were usually reflecting and there was no need to fill the gap with meaningless chatter the way some people did. It made me want to duct tape the mouths of chatterboxes who did that at the campfires initially. I had get more than one person to knock it off. It was distracting and we needed sharp ears since our camp borders were on the edge of the jungle. I told them a boar or jungle creature would target and eat them with all that noise they were making. That shut them up every time.

In Iowa, Tommy's family had a large, wrap-around porch with chairs that rocked and a porch swing. In the evenings, his parents would sit there and rock, sometimes making a comment about something, but there were long, comfortable silences. Its a good memory for me. He and I would sit on the porch or run around the yard catching lightning bugs, putting them in mason jars with air holes punched in the top. We had to let them go before he went in, but the fun was in catching them and watching them light up the jar with their fluorescent green bellies. We competed to see who caught the most, then enjoyed watching the groups fly away when our jars opened.

When Hurley began to speak, everyone seemed to automatically shift to a more comfortable position. You, doodle bug, were asleep, so Jack put you on the bed with a pillow on each side of you with space in between. This was not a conversation for you. The room had a homey, comfortable feel. The candles burned brightly, flickering a little when an ocean breeze would drift in. It was much more comfortable than the beach but a campfire would have been nice.

Hurley said it's nice we have time together before we get hit with the media storm and public. This time at Ko Olina Four Seasons was the last before we started to integrate with our families and the outside world. We wouldn't have nights together like this again unless we make a point of gathering in the future, something he would like to see. Even then, parents might be there, significant others, Aaron would be bigger and we might not be able to openly talk.

He hoped we would always make a point of gathering and staying in touch, despite any distance. He sees us as family, as friends he's never had and wants to keep for life. He didn't have a lot of real friends and we are more like family to him. I looked around. Most of us are only children except Sayid. I knew he had a brother but he didn't talk about him.

Hurley looked at me. He was relaxed with both arms stretched over the back of the couch opposite mine and Jack's. His hazel brown eyes were caring, sympathetic. He said everyone wanted to talk to me about yesterday, but not make me feel bad. I can speak or not. I said a lot yesterday already. I colored at that and he explained I will understand if I listen to them. They knew that wasn't normal for me. They had all lost it at some point.

They also wanted to share things we might not know about each other. They aren't perfect either and did things they weren't proud of and want me to see I'm not the only one. The information would stay among us.

He asked if I trusted all of them. I said yes. Everyone knew I was strong, smart and independent, but maybe I needed a reminder with the shock of coming back and how negative the news was. The news has always been that way, jumping from drama to disaster for ratings.

I crossed my legs and looked around. I glanced over at Jack. His arm was on the armrest and head supported by his hand. He smiled at me. Sun was sitting with her legs tucked up. Sayid sat in the other lounge by Jack leaning back, his hands together, his long fingernails visible in the light. I said okay. I didn't know what else to do. I already spilled my guts involuntarily.

It felt like a therapy meeting crossed with some kind of tribal council. I knew my eyes were wide. I felt exposed and uneasy being the center of attention now, but was willing to let them put me there. I trusted them, but braced myself anyways. Another soft breeze filtered in through the balcony. I took a throw blanket put it over my knees and bare feet, drawing them up on the couch.

Hurley said he'd go first. There were so many crazy things happening after the crash. He noticed me talking with Jack alone that first night, while he watched over Claire. The next day, he thought I was either insane or really brave to be taking Jack into the jungle to find the cockpit. We had all witnessed the monster moving through the woods at night. He said he and the other guys thought I was hot, um pretty, but hands off. He saw how Jack smiled at me that first night when we were talking. It looked to be mutual. Hurley blushed a little.

Hurley said he was kind of freaked out when he saw my mugshot in the medical tent and showed Jack. That's why he was so nervous and ran away from me when the dude with the shrapnel was alive. He didn't mention marshal. I know I blurted out something in the bathroom, something I don't want to think about. Hurley said he realized I was okay after that, especially since Jack didn't care about the paper and wanted it back. He trusted Jack.

I was kind, helped everyone, went on those crazy hikes to do things to help us get off the island with Sayid, went in the jungle to find food for everyone, and always made him feel good with the way I treated him. I saw him. Some people treated him differently because of his size. He considered me a friend by then. He saw how I was and soon forgot about the legal stuff. I was more dangerous to the Others, boars, fruit trees and Sawyer when he was being crude to me.

He appreciated it when I looked for him after Libby died and sat with him. He said he's glad Aaron has me. Aaron was really special to him because of Claire and Charlie. I didn't have to claim him as my own, but did anyways. That's a big responsibility, maybe a lifetime commitment. He doesn't like lies but there are minor exceptions. This will keep Aaron from disappearing in case we ever see Claire again to reunite them. Those are some of the things he likes about me. He played with his fingers and didn't always made eye contact, but his words touched me.

Hurley shifted gears and said he knows what it's like to feel alone, friendless, abandoned, depressed, crazy and not want to be alive. He remembered having problems since he was 10. His dad left then and he became a compulsive eater, going from normal size to super. He didn't have many friends, maybe one or two, and his Mom worked a lot to support them along with his Grandpa Tito. He had a break down when he was older. He asked if I remembered the numbers and how the numbers are cursed. I nodded. He said I had no idea. Those same numbers on the island have randomly been coming up for a while, even before he knew the whole string of them.

He went to a party with his friend. It was a summer barbeque. He stepped out on the deck and it collapsed. Two people died. He blamed himself and was depressed, suicidal. He ended up in the Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute. Dr. Brooks, his psychiatrist, tried to convince him it wasn't his fault. The deck was supposed to be for only 8 people but had 15 extra on it. He was number 16 so there were 23 people on the deck when it collapsed. He wiped a stray tear from under his eyes. He said those were some of the cursed numbers.

He came home, but was still depressed. He won the $114 million dollar using all of the numbers, the same ones from The Swan computer, Rousseau's notes, the side of the hatch. They were stuck in his head from Lenny at Santa Rosa who would repeat them over and over. Turns out he used to listen to transmissions in the Pacific and those numbers were broadcast over and over.

After he won, bad stuff kept happening around him. His Grandpa Tito died of a heart attack at the press announcement of the lottery, the priest was hit by lightning and killed at the funeral. His brother's wife left him for another waitress. He showed his mom her new mansion. It was on fire and she broke her ankle on the curb. Police pulled up to arrest him there, thinking he was a gangster in his new hummer with his mom wearing a red kerchief to cover her eyes for the surprise. He bought the Mr. Cluck's he worked at but it was hit by a meteorite. He visited his accountant, who told him his money was growing exponentially from the LAPD payout for wrongful arrest and the insurance on a destroyed company. As the accountant went on about his money practically doubling, a man jumped off the building to commit suicide, passing them on the way down. The accountant was oblivious.

Hurley had no friends and was lonely. His one friend turned his back on him when he found out about the money.

He took a deep breath and shook his head. He wanted me to know he knows what it's like to lose it, really lose it. He's felt some of the same things I was talking about when upset. He found real friends on the island. He said I'm not alone. He will always be there for me and Aaron. He loves me like a little sister that can kick butt. He believes in me. He smiled and said he was glad I'll be sticking around L.A.

He'll be expecting to see me and his parents will, especially his Ma. She will love me and Aaron. They won't care what the media says either, especially Ma. She thinks it's controlled by a few rich gringos that use news channels to make money. She may be right. He said his dad returned after he won the lottery. He's okay but Hurley knows why he came back. He was just glad for his Ma. She wouldn't divorce him. She's a devout Catholic and could boss him around again.

It was a lot to take in. My eyes were damp. A good feeling was settling in me. He understood. He understood. He considers me a sister and invited me to spend time with his family. Jack was sitting close enough to rub my back since I was leaning forward.

I thanked Hurley, and told him I loved him and always saw his big heart. He's been a favorite person of mine and always had a lot to offer. He makes people happy. I'm glad he shared. Being lonely sucks.

We all sat for a few moments, digesting, stretching, refilling drinks, checking on Aaron, then resumed.

Sayid smiled at me, so I knew he was next. His dark eyes were compassionate. He said he liked me from the beginning. He leaned forward, his fingers touching like he was making a church steeple. His nails fascinated me in the past. They work as micro-tools with electronics. He could split small wires, take out small parts from electronic boards, test soldering on tiny pieces and more. They were strong and never broke.

Sayid said can tell a lot about people from observation, who they are, and if they are lying. It's details, body language, tone of voice, and more. He could tell I was a strong, complex person, but a good one. I was loyal and protective, but guarded for a while. He observed me watching certain people regularly to make sure they were okay, like him, Claire, and others.

He appreciated that I had great faith in him and trusted his abilities from the beginning. I checked in on him regularly as he worked on the transceiver, bringing him fruit and water and sat with him to talk. Some people in camp avoided him at first. He was Muslim and from Iraq. 9-11 was still raw in the American psyche. He said I treated him with respect and kindness and didn't care what other survivors may have thought. He saw how men looked at me. It didn't bother him about Jack and I interacting. The doctor seemed honorable and he trusted Jack too.

Sayid commented Sawyer was rude to many in the early days, including his suggestive comments to me. I seemed to be able to handle myself, but he didn't trust him, much less alone with me. He felt protective and wanted to make sure he didn't harm me. Sawyer would have paid a big price for that, one no male wants to pay.

He smiled and looked up and said he didn't realize know I had some fighting skills and other abilities at the time. He said it was priceless to see Sawyer's face when I disarmed and pointed the gun at him during our hike to higher ground. It shut him up briefly. But later, Sayid knew I didn't like it when he and Jack questioned Sawyer and what he personally did to get him to confess where Shannon's inhalers were.

Sayid felt shame, part of it was that he had sworn not to do that again. Another part was that I, his friend, had to see that side of him. Despite that, I didn't want him to go and was the only one asking him why he had to leave. I was unhappy. He knew I was the one person that cared at the time, despite what he did to Sawyer. He knew I watched him as he walked away. He could feel my gaze.

Jack spoke up and added I had worried about Sayid and kept asking if we should go after him. Sayid nodded. He told me I shouldn't be ashamed of my past, what I did do and what I am wrongly accused of. His past is much worse and he faced no charges or punishment because they were acts of war. He wasn't just a military communications officer.

I already knew, he was a torturer. He wasn't proud of that. He had to torture people, some of whom were innocent. He was in the Republican Guard and his father was a war hero, a former member of the Republican Guard. He did what he was told to. If he refused, he would be shamed and punished and his family would be too. He would be considered a traitor. He didn't derive pleasure from that role.

His people don't know this but he was captured by Americans with his commanding officer, Tariq. Tariq was having them burn confidential documents. He grew quiet and thought carefully about the memory, his mind's eye looking over the events. After a minute or two, he looked in my eyes with a question.

He said he was first questioned by an American officer, a decorated one with the last name of Austen. He was firm, could see through lies or "bs" as he called it and used Sayid as a translator for Tariq who didn't cooperate. He was told they only wanted to retrieve an American pilot who disappeared nearby. He said days later, the same man looked at a picture when they were transporting him, a picture of a girl in a ball cap but he couldn't see the details, only the outline through the paper. Austen was smiling at it. He tucked it in his jacket pocket and asked if Sayid had children. Sayid said he hadn't remembered that detail until now.

He asked if my father was in Iraq during the Gulf War and if he did special missions. He knew Dad was in the army and a sergeant major. I had shared that with him already. Sayid said had tried to forget things that had happened in The Gulf War and didn't put those things together until just now. I felt gooseflesh and rubbed my arms. I said yes. It must have been him.

I told him Dad had blue eyes and gets a unique vertical crease that branches off to the left on his forehead when he's frustrated. He does special missions, that's why I can't get a hold of him or hear from him when he's deployed. Sayid said that it was most definitely him. He mused and said perhaps we were fated to meet for some reason.

Before he was in the truck with my Dad, a superior officer named Inman showed him a video of his village while sarin gas was being spread in the market. He said Tariq authorized it. Atrocities were ordered and committed by the Republican Guard against their own people, but he had family there. He was told to torture Tariq, his own commanding officer, for the information they needed to get the pilot. He felt great shame, despite the need for revenge. This was treason and a death sentence in the Guard. He showed the Americans where the body of the pilot was. Then they set him free. He rejoined the guard and was involved with more that he was ashamed of that cost many lives. Tariq disappeared. That part he didn't regret.

He told me again not to be ashamed. He also knows what it is like to feel alone in the world, an outsider and misunderstood. He did what he had to for survival, to save his family, same as I did. He will always be my friend and there for me if I need him.

Sayid was a deep soul. He thought for a few moments before continuing. He questioned if anyone 100% good or 100% bad in the world? In this room? He said no. We are all a mixture and all capable of very good and very bad things. He sees a great good in me.

He asked me not to torture and blame myself over something that he would have done too, or worse in retribution on my behalf for the main crime I am accused of. I considered this. He didn't know what Wayne did, or did he? I wonder what came out of my mouth the previous day. I hoped I didn't let the whole cat out of the bag. I shivered and pulled the blanket over me, feeling nervous because I don't want anyone to know my deepest secrets.

I looked at Sayid. I don't know how Sayid knows things. He's some kind of soul reader or maybe knows because of how I reacted to his statement. He listens to what's _not_ said.

I had tears already just from listening. It's hard to hear anyone say anything nice about me, that they would have done the same thing or avenged me. I feel their pain. It's mine too. It doesn't matter to me what Sayid did in Iraq. I'm a soldier's daughter. I didn't question my Dad on what he had to do. Who am I to judge a soldier's actions in war when I'm not there? And Sayid met my Dad during a mission! I was still reeling from that.

I am not a person that talks about fate or destiny but there is something there. The chances were astronomical, too much to be coincidence. I thanked Sayid for sharing that, for his friendship, for always being there for me, like when he came with me to get Jack, surprising me, along with Locke. I told him I don't think differently of him, even with what he shared. I am a soldier's daughter and understand.

He affirmed I am good mother. Aaron is blessed child to have me now. Allah would bless me for the good I have done. He quoted a saying by a wise man that "Allah blesses him who helps his brother." He said, dear sister, you have done that and Allah sees. I wiped my eyes. Sayid is not a bear hug person like Hurley. I reached over Jack and clasped both of his hands and squeezed as he did the same. He kissed the back of my right hand, same as he did on that beach, months ago. No words were needed.

Sun was next. We looked at each other, smiled then laughed at the same time. We've already talked so much. I don't want to bawl but she might put me over the edge. I squirm, take a deep breath and sit still.


	6. Chapter 6: Ko Olina: Place of Joy Part 2

Chapter 6: Ko Olina: Place of Joy Part 2

 _Sun was next. We looked at each other, smiled, then laughed at the same time. We've talked so much. I don't want to bawl, but she might put me over the edge. I squirm, take a deep breath and sit still._

Jack stood and offered people sodas, waters, whatever was wanted. He tossed drinks to the guys, got a beer for himself, and placed water bottles in front of Sun and me.

Sun said she's been thinking about me a lot. She took a sip of water slowly, set the bottle down and smiled. She started by saying I was one of her closest friends and a few tears fell. Mine followed quickly. I said it's okay. She gave me a lovely smile through her tears and said she was supposed to say that. She said she had many words for me, some now, some maybe for later. She tucked some hair behind her ear and composed herself.

She said she was jealous of me after the crash. My mouth popped open briefly in utter disbelief. Sun? Jealous of me? I asked her why. I told her I was a nobody, owned nothing, was nothing special. She was beautiful, elegant, well-off with a powerful family and married.

She said she saw my freedom, how beautiful I was naturally with no makeup or even trying. My freckles were enchanting with my curly hair framing my face, falling out of any bun or ponytail I would make, my perfect nose that made me look like a fairy from children's story, green eyes exotic and rare that reminded her of lily pads from her family gardens.

She didn't know anybody with green eyes where she came from. In her country flawless, white skin, double-lidded eyes, thin-bridged nose and v-shaped face was prized along with being tall and thin. It was a near impossible standard, but she found great beauty in my looks and petite, toned stature, different than the standards she had to live up to.

She saw I adapted quickly. She liked what I wore. It reflected my freedom and was practical. I moved confidently among other survivors doing things most of the men were hesitant to do, like trek in the jungle where the monster was. Sometimes she saw a look in my eyes of steel. The men liked me and respected me. Some men more than liked me but looked intimidated and hid their looks when I was near. She saw their admiring glances.

People listened when I talked. I diffused some tense situations on the beach. I showed my displeasure, anger or when I was annoyed at the men. I was one of the leaders and female. She wasn't used to seeing that.

I brought food from the jungle, water from the caves, wore a knife and backpack for trips or messenger bag to gather, helped Sayid and it made her want to help and contribute too. She had knowledge of the plants and how they could help us but wasn't allowed at first.

She said she watched me and Jack interact, so playful and cute. It was obvious we liked each other from the first days. She saw us go into the jungle together for the pilot's radio. She watched us our stuffing empty water bottles in our backpacks and my leaning over Jack closely while laughing. I buckled his backpack, something he could have done, while asking about his tattoos. Our body language spoke volumes. Our silent glances did too.

She saw Jack and I at campfire together or just sitting and looked at the ocean during the day, talking or not talking, like a couple. We argued. We cooled off or Jack seemed angry and we made up peacefully later.

She and her husband hadn't been companions, playful or flirtatious like that for a long time. When he got mad, it was end of discussion. It made her missed how they used to be. She swallowed at that and paused. I told her she didn't have to talk if it was too much for her. She said she needed to and went on.

She wondered how two people who were strangers days prior could be so compatible but recalled that was how it was with her and Jin in the beginning through their early days of marriage.

She felt like her life was over after the crash. She was depressed and with no hope. Her girlfriends had distanced themselves, maybe because she was married, maybe because of who she was married to. She wanted to leave Jin. She missed her chance to escape him before the flight. A plan was in place to help her get to America under a new name.

Jin had gone from a humble, kind man with dreams to her father's protégé, keeping her isolated in a loveless marriage. She felt trapped. We all saw how he was after the crash. He was volatile, hostile and controlling. She said she didn't want to speak ill of him because he had changed while on the island and became more like the man she fell in love with, but she needed to share for my sake. She felt like a hostage. She wasn't allowed to interact or talk with any survivors. He forbade it because he was her husband. She resented, even hated him at times.

Looking at her now, it's would be hard to believe except I remember those days. I noticed her, his yelling at her, her unhappiness. I kept tabs making sure he didn't beat her. I have a big problem with men beating women. I could take some hits and hit back hard, but God forbid anyone strike a woman in front of me. Men hit too hard and we're built smaller. I would have gone after him with a steel rod the size of a baseball bat and knocked him into next week. I scavenged it from the wreck and hid it by my bed under the sand in my shelter for easy access. Jack, Sawyer, Sayid or Michael probably would have been right behind me. Even if they weren't, that wouldn't have stopped me. I wouldn't wait for backup.

After some events including Jin being handcuffed and moving to the caves, she started to break free from him, wear t-shirts and tank tops like me. Jin didn't approve but she didn't care. She helped get Shannon's asthma attack under control using eucalyptus plants, which are good for asthma, colds, congestions and more. He objected initially but stopped, seeing Shannon recover and Jack's approval. She studied horticulture and plants as her minor at University. She also loved her family's large gardens and discreetly questioned gardeners growing up.

She started the garden in the jungle and, of all people, I stumbled across her. She thought I was too busy to spend time with her, but I gathered seeds from fruit I picked or found on the jungle floor after she approved adding them and she showed me how to plant them and where. She liked teaching me despite pretending there was a language barrier. I talked freely about things and she enjoyed listening. Then I figured out she spoke English.

She was glad that I didn't tell anyone and understood why. She knew she could trust me. We spent a lot of time talking in low voices afterwards with my pausing to listen for noise or anyone approaching. I didn't want her to be caught. She was amazed that I knew anything about gardening. She taught me about the planting in the tropical, rainy climate, different from America. We had handmade tools and used cut bamboo with iron triangles wedged into notches to carve deep furrows facing downhill to plant the seeds in the high ground above them. It let the bursts of rain water run through the ditches between rows and not wash the seeds away.

It was a quiet haven in that crazy place and would have provided food and medicinal plants later.

I was the one she talked to about pregnancy and getting a test. I was the one that sat with her patiently while she got the results and talked about them. I was grateful she left out my confiding about my own pregnancy scare with my non-legal marriage before. I had only told her because she asked.

She said she cared very much for me and Aaron. She was glad I kept him as my own so he would still be a part of our group. My words yesterday hurt only because she didn't see me that way, nobody did in the room. I shouldn't either, even with facing legal challenges. She will not abandon or leave me. She would never hate me. She will support me in whatever way I need but I should ask, not make them guess. I would never be alone.

She didn't care what the media said, not even what her family would say. She has her own mind and knows me, the real me. Even if she is in Korea waiting on her baby's birth, she is only a phone call away if I need her. She took my hand and squeezed it, then took tissues and offered me the box.

I was astonished at her words. I didn't know she noticed me that much or I had been admirable in anything. I don't see myself that way. I just did what needed to be done in borrowed clothes and shoes from a woman who died in the crash. I enjoyed being with her and wanted to help and protect her. She did the rest and taught me.

She continued after sipping more water. She said she has not been a perfect person or wife. She has lied in the past, to family, to friends, planned to leave her husband by running away and has used her family's name to intimidate others. Paik is a powerful and feared name. Her father has a legitimate company, but there was also a shady side of the business.

She was allowed to get her degree in Art History but was not engaged or married after that like other girls. Her mother hired a matchmaker. Her mother feared she was getting too old. No matches worked out.

Then she met Jin. She literally ran into him. He was poor, son of a fisherman, no name, no money, but made her heart flutter. He really saw her and listened. When he gave her a simple flower and it was more valuable than a precious jewel to her. She couldn't believe it when her father agreed to the marriage. The condition was he worked for her father for 6 months. He didn't realize it was indentured servitude for life 24 hours a day.

Jin worked the legitimate side of the business until the marriage. After, he worked the shady side of the business and changed. He became more like her father, secretive, controlling, out late hours and resented her.

He also was angry they couldn't have a baby. In Korea, women were still blamed if they didn't give a man a son, despite knowing scientifically it's determined by the male. The doctor said she was the problem when they both went to find out why she hadn't conceived. The same doctor later caught her on the street and said Jin was the real problem, not her. He was very afraid of what Jin would do to him if he told him he was infertile, an insult to her husband's manhood.

She said, laced with sarcasm, thanks to Juliet the camp knew about Jin being infertile and she had been with another man. She said he was the one that taught her English and she originally was going to run away with him but he died. She didn't elaborate but I knew the rest.

Jin was the baby's father. Juliet said the island made men 5 times more fertile. She didn't mention about women being more fertile except said it killed them after 100 or more days. She looked around at Jack, Hurley and Sayid and said they were lucky. If Juliet was truthful, getting a woman pregnant there was a death sentence any one of them could have given a partner.

I bit my tongue about Juliet. She lied to me at camp about Jack when she was pretending to be an outcast and being there when Jack saw me and Sawyer. She said I broke Jack's heart. It was all lies. What else did she lie about? She spent too much time around bug-eyed Ben.

Sun said she believed for a long time the island was hell and she and Jin were there because they were cursed for their sins. That's before she started to feel hope, was inspired, connected with people like me, used plants to heal, created her garden and helped Jack nurse people back to health. She connected with Claire too after learning about her pregnancy and even helped with Aaron.

She smiled warmly at me. She knows I like her taste in clothes at stores but she admired mine first, even if it was from the luggage piles, as hers were later.

She said don't listen to the past, to things bad people said to me or did. Listen to her, to all of them, who see me as I really was. I was a beautiful, guardian angel to her, funny, brave, strong, a leader and worthy of love, friends and family. She saw me as a sister with our bond. Who else heard her in the loud, pouring rain, so far away at the garden, and came running to help when she was attacked there? I was first to find her, wanting to help and know who did it and had Sawyer carry her back while I found Jack.

She stated firmly that I deserved a good future. We squeezed hands. I absorbed what she said. I told her I feel the same about her, but she already knew that. We hugged tightly.

Jack was going to talk, but asked if anyone needed to stretch or a bathroom break. I checked on you, little bug, with Jack. You were in dreamland, sucking an imaginary bottle. Jack put his arms around me, hugging me from behind me and whispered in my ear, asking if I was okay so far, swaying me softly. I nodded while chewing, my mouth full of chocolate chip cookie.

He gave me a squeeze and kissed the top of my head. I tipped my head back to see him since he is over a head length taller and he kissed my forehead and nose too, then, crinkled his eyes in amusement, wiped the little crumbs off my mouth with one hand. I smiled and let him.

We all made our way back to the circle. I was relaxed, taking it all in. I would be for days.

Jack was last, perhaps on purpose. I wanted to watch him so I put a pillow behind my back and faced him. He took each of my legs and put my feet on his lap so he could rub them. It felt good. It was innocent but felt intimate, even with our friends sitting there. I saw Hurley raise his eyebrow but nobody else commented. I was sure Sun would say something the next day. I had no doubt on that.

He said he's thought a lot about me in the past few days, weeks, hell, for months. He felt something when he first saw me. He said he was shirtless, badly cut, in pain and need of stitches along his ribcage, front to back. He couldn't do it himself. It was right after the crash and I came out of the jungle and was willing to stitch him despite having never done it before. He felt a bond with me after.

I felt the same, like I was tied to him somehow.

He usually wasn't so openly around other people. I love it when he opened up but it was usually whispered or bedroom talk. Maybe it was because we were the only "couple" there, or the ambiguity of our relationship in my eyes. What are we now and what will we be later? More than roommates, right?

Or does he keep me under the radar until my legal issues are determined to see if he wants to be engaged, marry me and have children with me in the future? I didn't need a ring or wedding date to help me in that moment. I wasn't good about commitment in the past and finally wanted it but was afraid.

I knew he would want to lead but where to and what was next? I'm not the best follower. He should know that by now. I have words from him, his body at night, not hiding our love from our friends, and he was helping with Aaron more. He stirs up hopes and desires that made me want much more, all of it. I guessed that would have to be enough for now. I won't pressure him. We are all feeling stressed in our own ways.

One thought lingered, he wasn't being cautious, just relying on the calendar with me. It was surprising since he was a doctor. Maybe we were a little screwed up in the head and not caring, just wanting to celebrate we were alive. I wasn't clamoring for him to do something about it and I had a tiny baby to take care of. I definitely wasn't thinking.

I forgot everything when he kissed me and our bodies were entwined. No past, present or future existed in those moments which lasted, even after our bodies were spent. I bit the inside of my cheek to make me focus and listen to him, drowning the questions that swirled around in my head.

He said I was a good leader, was so protective of others and reliable. He said I had a way of getting people to work together, even belligerent men who would have rather knocked each other out first. I was the glue that held these same guys together. People listened to me. They followed my lead on some things. He relied on me as his sounding board, trusted my advice, wanted me to have his back, to believe in him and to help to bring the group together as his partner. He was thrust into that role and couldn't do it alone, despite his best efforts.

He said I didn't exclude people and was forgiving, even when some of our camp wasn't kind, like when Sawyer told them I was the fugitive in an ugly way over a place on the raft. I was an outcast for a bit after that, but people forgot since I was providing food, especially when Locke stopped hunting boar. I was forgiving when Jack falsely accused me of poisoning Michael. I was forgiving when he was too aggressive, questioning about the toy and eventually made me break down. XXX

Sun frowned at Jack when he confessed some of those things. I glanced at her for a moment and caught the look they exchanged. Jack said he had waited too long to apologize.

He thanked me for what I did for others, everything, seen and unseen, but also what I did for him. I was the only person worried about him, trying to get him to eat and rest. I was the only one telling him he was overdoing it. He may not approve of how I got him to take a nap, but understands there was no harm meant behind it. I was worried about him.

He discussed my refusal to leave him with the Others at the barracks, even coming back for him after he told me never to for my own safety. He was afraid of what they would do to me if I was alone. He believed they would send him home and then he could send rescue.

Then I showed up with Sayid and Locke. He's never met a more stubborn person that refused to do what he says and ignores his advice. Hurley laughed and coughed to cover it up when Jack looked at him. Sun and Sayid tried to hide their own grins. Jack asked what? Hurley said, "Dude, that's you. You're stubborn and don't listen." Jack gave a self-effacing look with a bit of humor and said he's right. He has finally met his match.

I told him I learned from my Dad you don't leave a man behind in the field. I followed that creed. I'm not a soldier, but my Dad was and was the best parent I had, even though he was gone most of the time. Jack thought a moment and said in hindsight, that actually made a lot of sense.

He said he would always be there for me. He vowed in front of our friends that he would see me through any legal issues. He doesn't want me to ever worry about being alone again. He'll would always be there for me.

I took it all in. I slowly drew my feet back under the blanket. He leaned forward and was at an angle facing me.

He had his elbows on his legs and covered his face, ran his hands through his short hair and looked around before continuing on to his story, his fingers interlaced and chin resting on it. I looked at his face, adoring the man before me.

Jack said he was on the flight to bring his father's body back from Sydney. He had fled the U.S. after being fired from his job as Chief of Surgery. He was a renowned spinal surgeon. Jack was responsible for that. He didn't elaborate.

He went on, looking up with reddened eyes. In Sydney, he found him in a morgue, having died of a massive heart attack with a high level of alcohol in his blood. His body was found in an alleyway, alone, rain-soaked with no i.d. It was an inglorious end to the marquee surgeon of St. Sebastian Hospital. Jack dried his eyes quickly.

He said the coffin was in the plane and when he found it near the caves, was closed and great condition but empty. He ran his fingers through his hair again, glanced at me, then at Hurley, who would understand. He saw his dad walking around the island. That's how he found the cave with the water. He followed him there. Was it him or was the island creating an illusion? He looked around. There were no answers.

He said he can't find a logical explanation. He looked at Hurley and told him he's not crazy. Neither of them were. Hurley nodded. We were quiet. To see Jack like this, open, emotional, in front not just me, but our little group never happened. But if he couldn't trust us, he wouldn't have believed we could maintain The Lie.

He shifted gears, sighed and looked at me tenderly. He said that he and everyone wanted me to put my fears to rest somehow. Fear and panic attacks can bring up fears and insecurities and amplify them. If I have doubts, I can ask any him or any one of them. I am loved, valued, and not for what I do but for who I am.

My actions are a reflection of my personality. He will never hate me or leave me. He said screw the media. He advised me not to read newspapers or watch the news. We would find a great legal representation and it will be the attorney's job. He reached across and held my hand gently.

Jack asked if anyone else had anything to say. Sun said wanted me to realize my worth. She looked at Jack pointedly and firmly told him she expects him to help me with that every day and be there for Aaron. She has to return to Korea but will be in touch with me and expects to hear good things. He said she would.

We were finished. Jack stood and proposed champagne to cap the evening. The sun had set and moon had risen. We could see from our seats the whitecaps outside in the moonlight and torches along the beach. We were all quiet, listening, thinking about what was said. Jack had popped the champagne bottle and filled the crystal flutes. He held one back briefly from Sun and said she could have one if she wants. If she gets buzzed, that means the baby is buzzed. She took it and waited.

Jack remained standing. We all stood to join him when he said he wanted to make a toast and please add our own to it. He toasted to our group, the bonds of friendship and family we shared.

Hurley toasted to the people that that passed on the island, especially Libby and Charlie.

Sun toasted to the people in the room and to Jin.

I toasted to those that disappeared, everyone present, who I consider to be friends and the closest thing I have to family since I have almost none. I also toasted to our babies, Aaron and those yet to be born to us.

Sayid went last. His was thoughtful. He looked first at me and Jack. He said he would quote the great Persian poet Rumi to us both, but it applies to all of us as we look to our futures. His toast was the following: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." He said wished for all of us to remove any barriers that might preventing us from having joy and love.

We all tapped glasses and took a sip. We stood as Sayid's words resonated. Hurley. Sun. Sayid. They had lost their island loves and in Sun's case, her husband.

Only Jack and I remained together, growing closer and had finally consummated our relationship after the boat rescue. There was a silence afterwards as our wishes swirled around in our minds and around our group, for ourselves, for each other, maybe making their way up to heaven as prayers in the clear moonlit sky.

* * *

The evening was peaceful. The covers were pushed back off the bed. Jack held and touched me gently, loving me with great tenderness in that same moonlight. He gently kissing me all over, stopping only to memorize my face with adoration written on his, a form of worship before taking me fully into a passionate, all consuming embrace. He told me he loved me using my name. On his lips, it was a prayer. My heart cup was overflowing from the evening, from him.

* * *

The next day, we were up in the morning with you, my little doodle bug. We were getting used the time change just in time to travel again soon. I held and examined you. You were changing already. It was very subtle, maybe not obvious to people, but I could see a little more blond hair and you could put up to two fists to your mouth to taste. I told your Jack I was ambivalent about the spa. I considered a hair trim only until we get to L.A. where I could get it styled and deeply conditioned. I was thinking manicure and pedicure but only clear polish. He was brushing his teeth. He spat out the toothpaste and turned off the faucet. He said to do whatever I want but it wasn't a bad idea. I gave a slight eye roll. He wasn't very helpful. I would talk to Sun instead.

I asked him about you, little bug. Would it be obvious if I brought a baby to the spa, a curly haired, freckled, woman with her face plastered all over the t.v. with a new baby? He said he and the guys would take care of you, lucky little man! They were getting a private cabana and security would guard the front. It's an enclosed room and the walls are heavy tent type fabric. The floors are wood and the front has sheer curtains that can be pulled.

It would give them enough privacy that nobody can see in and they would have their own bar. They opted for no bartender, just a bar loaded with drinks. It would allow them to be near the beach and relax. There was a t.v. but they would only use it for ESPN if any good sport was on.

You, my little munchkin, will have three men to look out for you and Hurley isn't big into alcohol. Jack told me to go and have a good time. I looked at your little body carefully while Jack talked and decided to dress you plainly in your onesie and put you in the bouncy chair, buckling you in. I put your bathing suit, shirt, sunglasses and hat in the bag along with a swaddling blanket, baby sunscreen, diapers and wipes, bottles and formula. You were all set to hang and drink with the big boys.

That made me feel better and relieved any guilt over leaving you. I rang Sun and we agreed to leave shortly. The reservations were set. I was "Anne" and she was "Pearl." I don't know where she got pearl from but recalled with a jolt part of her missing story she shared with me on the island about Jae Lee's death. She told me Jae Lee gave her pearls that she refused the day they were caught. Her rejected pearls were clutched in his hand when he landed on Jin's car roof. The picture was in the newspaper. That's how she knew who was involved. Her father must have sent him over family honor but Jin didn't know why. He never confronted her about it.

I had never been to a spa before. It was beautiful but I tried to be casual about it like Sun. The floors had large, stone tiles and colors were soothing to the eyes. There were water features with small fountains, a water wall, and plants including small palm trees.

The spa was segregated with two separate wings between men and women except joint treatment rooms for couples. We spent a few hours getting our hair and nails done. She had ideas for me to get my hair treated in L.A. to make it shine, also to do some wardrobe shopping for basics to get me started for professional meetings ahead, mom wear, upscale wear and home clothes.

I also needed some fun lingerie. I was thinking it wouldn't stay on long, but agreed. She couldn't wait. She said it would make me feel good. Our hair was trimmed first and deep conditioned. It was necessary with the months of sun and sand exposure.

I swear I feel grit in the oddest places occasionally, but I think I've had enough showers to get rid of it. I had them clip my hair up so it would dry naturally in curls while Sun had hers blown out and styled.

Our nails were second. We were wrapped in warm spa robes talking while the women worked on our feet first. I didn't see any signs of recognition from them and they spoke another language, maybe Vietnamese. They talked in whispers to each other, a few words here and there and were busy focusing on our feet. Sun angled slightly to look at me and asked me what's up with the doctor?

She didn't use Jack's name and her eyes were round and expectant, wanting me to dish. I gave a partial grin, then tried keep a straight face. I asked what she wanted to know. She said everything, but I can start with sleeping arrangements. She then asked every night, huh? I laughed and choked a little. I was nursing a Mimosa. She didn't let grass grow under her feet. I said yes, at least. Her eyes grew rounder and she said more? I nodded. She mouthed a wow.

She thoughtfully looked in my eyes and asked if I was pleased, emphasizing the last word. I giggled and said absolutely. I wished I could speak Korean then to answer the questions lingering in her eyes. She put the straw in her mouth to sip on her virgin strawberry daiquiri, willing me to say more with her unblinking stare. I never discussed this kind of stuff with anyone but she was a wall of silence. I leaned over and whispered his saying he wish he did that months ago because I cured his insomnia. I whispered as quietly as possible in her ear he would have made a bigger tent or had me live with him at the caves.

She was amused and covered her mouth. Then her eyebrows raised. She shook her head and whispered if that was the case I would be in the same boat as she was. She gave the ladies a side glance, who ignored us. I said probably. I gave a sly smile and whispered doctors are experts on anatomy. I fanned my flushed neck with one hand. I continued to whisper that if I knew that earlier I wouldn't have let him work so much and I would have demanded lunch breaks. We both erupted laughing at that.

The women looked up at the outburst, we felt their glances. We trying to be careful not to drink and talk to avoid a mess. I looked in Sun's eyes. Behind her humor, I could see she was trying to forget everything, Jin, her parents tomorrow, the media. Maybe it was it was to distract me to but I felt a genuine curiosity from her about our love life. I was happy to help without being crude. Reality would come crashing down soon enough for us staring the next day. It was naughty but fun.

I leaned over and whispered some things to her, things that tickled me, but made me anxious. I told her about what he said about have a baby together someday, our future together and alluding to all the things he wants with me. He insisted we live with him and talked about seeing me through everything. I believed he was sincere. I trusted him, as I always did, but was afraid. I never loved or trusted a man like this. What did she think? Am I being naive? This is new for me and I have the baby to think about.

She pursed her lips, tracing the round top of her glass while thinking. She said he is honorable. She believes he wouldn't lie to me or to the group. She frowned at the word lie and I caught it. I frowned back. We were about to tell The Lie to the world at his insistence. It was silently communicated between us, so there was a pause. She said that's different, isn't it? To protect? I nodded.

She said to trust my heart. She asked what it heart said now. I bit my upper lip and sighed. I whispered that heart says maybe but caution, my mind says maybe, my body says, Hell yeah! Go for it! She covered her mouth, now full of drink, and got a napkin, trying not to spit it up while giggling. Her cheeks were a lovely pink.

I was quiet. Then I wondered to her if he would become that way again, like before, where he works so much, feels too responsible and no time for me? He was like that on the island. I was sure he was like that at home. I was biting my lip and frowning. She nodded, understood. She said there has to be balance. If he loves me and I am the priority, he will do anything to make that happen.

Sun put her elbow on the arm rest and cheek on her hand and looked up. She commented that we know who he is. I know him better than anyone. I should trust him, but trust my gut feeling first and don't end up like her. She sighed. She said there are no guarantees but if anyone can make it work, she thinks we can. We would be equally yoked, both stubborn, both strong, both loving the baby, both wanting each other to be happy.

She said to be myself, don't change for anyone, not even him. Don't let his strength or imperfect behaviors we know about squash who I am like she did. Put myself and the baby first, especially the baby. Babies need us to be strong and make it a happy, healthy home. We have the power to create that that environment for them and to correct or remove things that cause disharmony.

I agreed and considered her advice. She was telling me in her own way to hope for the best but plan for the worst. The ladies moved to do our hands so we switched to light talk about what the guys were doing and about dinner plans. She was going to retire quickly after dinner. She wanted rest and was having a rough time in the mornings now. I suggested the doctor may have a tip or two to help that, especially for tomorrow morning. Probably saltine crackers, but maybe something else. She nodded and left it at that.

* * *

We joined the three men and baby at the cabana later. They were relaxed. Security guided us in through the employee kitchen and a side flap. Light filtered through the sheer, off white curtain that moved with the ocean breeze. They were talking softly, all in lounge chairs with drinks ranging from beer to sparkling water. My little bug was buckled into the bouncy chair in a onesie. He was napping with a blanket over him. They seem very relaxed.

Sun and I had sundresses on and received kind compliments from Jack. She sat on a lounge prepared for her with towels and blankets and a side table. Hurley jumped up to get her a drink. She wanted a sparkling cranberry water. I preferred plain. Hurley handed us our beverages. Jack scooted back on his lounge chair and patted between his legs for me to sit or lay back. He put a towel there and had more and blankets nearby if I needed them. I joined him, sitting, then leaning back against his chest. He folded one arm around me.

I could get used to the PDA. They were talking about sports. I suppose they had caught up on some of the teams and who was headed to the Superbowl on ESPN. It looked like it was going to be the Patriots vs. the Eagles. The t.v. was on but no volume. They lost me after that. I was tired and closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth of Jack's body, his voice, muffled through his chest in one ear, and rise and fall of his chest that I moved with. I was laying on one hip and had one hand on each thigh of his. His hand was draped over my stomach. I opened one eye to see Sun. She had her eyes closed too. It was a nice way to relax, even if they were debating. I didn't know Sayid or Hurley followed American football. Sayid thought the Patriots were a sure bet. Hurley seemed to like the Eagles for some reason. Maybe they were the underdog.

I put my hand on Jack's over my stomach as I dozed off. I felt him put a blanket over me before holding me again. I didn't want to sleep, but drifted. I was losing time with my friends, but I felt so relaxed, the familiar voices, his warm arms, the ocean waves, rays of sunlight filtering through the fabric. It almost took me to another place, one with no threats, just a piece of paradise surrounded by people I loved. He woke me later to go up to the room when the sun was lower in the sky.

Dinner was a quiet affair. We had a private dining room and asked for a buffet and no servers to remain in the room after everything was set out. We served ourselves for privacy. I held you, little man, since you were awake. I wasn't very hungry. I looked around and listened as others talked. It was our last night together in the Hawaiian Islands. We all knew it. You were tasting my fingers, which were clean since I didn't have finger food. I bounced you in my lap.

There was a different feeling in the air. It wasn't oppressive. It was similar to when a storm was approaching. The air felt chilly compared to the warm day. The temperature had dropped and air felt static. I had a blanket on you and I wore my knit sweater. I was chilled. I felt the next day encroaching on our sunny retreat, our time together.

We all knew what the plan was for the next day. With soft voices and heads bent close together over the table, softly lit by the dimmed, modern chandeliers, Jack relayed the overall plan and any concerns were voiced. I asked him to go over the order of things and Karen's plan to handle any questions about my business.

He succinctly did, adding in the beginning, she had a presentation to show with a map. It would illustrate graphically where the "crash" was found intact underwater, the currents that took us to Membata, the length of time there, the fact Aaron was born on the island, and the fishing boat that washed up, allowing us to venture off and look for another island or ship. She would show Sumba on the map and may or may not not post the picture of us getting off the boat. Everyone had seen it at this point.

He asked if we would take questions. We could answer her tomorrow but it was up to us. Everyone looked glum. My lips were pressed together. Jack said he would take the lead in it and answer most of them but not give more than basic information we agreed on. Sayid said he would but no details.

Jack agreed. If any of us were directly questioned, give as brief an answer as possible. Less is more. If one word will answer it, that's fine. If we don't want to answer, we can say that too. We owe them nothing. We all nodded except Hurley. He looked reluctant, but Jack knew he would go along with it

Sun looked pale. She told me earlier when we had some private time in her room right after the spa that she had mixed feelings about both the press release and seeing her parents. I followed her in because she looked sick and sad. She looked forward to seeing her mother. Her father might glad to see her but she didn't know how long that would last before he asked about his $20,000 watch. She doubted he would inquire about her husband. It would show what he valued the most. She looked morose when she said that, her eyes downcast.

She had inquired about my family and who would be there. I shook my head, a few tears escaping. I tried to suck it up and said I would be shocked if my Dad, Sam was there, because he was deployed so much and unreachable. I didn't reveal what he said to me when we parted. He loves me. I truthfully said nobody will come see me.

Dinner was winding down. It was so much different than the previous night. Glances were exchanged. Faces were pensive and sober. As for tomorrow, we all had faith in Jack that this was the right thing to do and why. He insisted. He wouldn't have us do anything harmful to ourselves or others. He's making the best decision as a leader with the information he had to protect us and everyone left behind from Widmore and whoever else was after the island. Penny couldn't even call her father off.

We toasted once more at the end of the evening, only this time Jack led it. It was very simple, to us, to tomorrow and to our future. We all said cheers and touched glasses. It was almost time. Time to face the world as a united front and broadcast The Lie. Time to be on the world stage. I needed a game face. It was going to be overwhelming.

I wish I could say I was sorry about The Lie, little bug. It's been an emotional few days. I am not sorry because your protection has been woven into that lie. We will protect you from strangers, from disappearing in the system, and keep you in our little family. We hoped for better days and possible reunions ahead between us, and, God-willing, other familiar faces would turn up someday, some year. In the meantime, life will continue, you will grow and I will have to face something I have been avoiding for years. I will do that because it's time, and it's the right thing to do. I am no longer a runner because of you. That girl disappeared with the island that left only ripples of water when it departed.

I love you with all of my heart!

Mommy Kate


	7. Chapter 7: The Lie and LA

_**A/N: Thanks again to everyone who posted reviews! I enjoyed reading them. I agree with the Guest review about Jack & Kate mirroring Jin & Sun in some ways. Yes! Kate's very complex, more than people think with a backstory that includes whether she did all those crimes or not. That was in the character description written by J.J. Abrams pre-production. There's other back stories that can help explain her behaviors and choices. Thank you so much for the descriptive review! It's good food for thought.**_

* * *

Dear Aaron,

When we woke this morning, I felt a sense of dread. I didn't want to pass it on to you, my happy little man. I talked softly to you, changed your diaper, fed you, tickled your tummy and kissed your little feet. I acted cheerful, the same as I do when I dress and take care of you. Your big blue eyes watched me and despite my cheerful good morning routine with you, you are not as interactive right now. You smiled a little and made noises, but mostly watched me unless you were trying to eat or chew your fist. I worried you were getting sick. I had Uncle Jack check you over to see just in case. He said you're fine and don't worry Mommy to me.

Jack held me and we kissed some this morning when we woke and in between getting ready. It was comforting and maybe his way of reassuring me. I would feel his fingers run across my back in a caress as he passed. I wrapped my arms around him more than once to feel and smell his body, his skin. He seemed determined, despite our lingering fatigue. He is more quiet than usual. It's almost show time. He talks to himself in the mirror very softly so I can't hear. I think he is going over responses to possible questions.

Maybe this is how he preps for surgery. He studies, prepares, knows the game plan and is now ready to dig in, literally, at the hospital. He wore a fitted grey brown suit with a shirt that has medium blue stripes an inch wide alternating darker and lighter. He's freshly shaven, wearing black, newly shined dress shoes. His hair is short and combed. He looks so professional and gorgeous. I haven't seen him in a suit since the first day and it was only remnants since he was shirtless.

I put on my top from Sumba, green, loose with long sleeves and an undershirt. I wore black pants that hang on my waist, similar to my cargo pants. I slipped a belt on, but didn't cinch it tight. I still am lean underneath but it provides an illusion that I don't have a flat belly and looks like an early maternity shirt. I left my hair loose and curly. I stuck a hair band in my pocket for later. No makeup for me. I still don't own any and won't bother until I get new clothes.

I want to surprise Jack, but also shed this island look and slip into clothes that reflect how I am starting feel. My flat, dark shoes and sheer stockings that stop above my calves fit but feel weird. I'm dressing to play a role, a woman that just had a baby. I checked myself in the mirrors including full length. It wasn't for vanity. Jack came up behind me and kissed me softly. He said I have a nice, natural glow, like a new Mom. Sweet words. I want to take them in, but the disquiet remains.

I asked Jack to call Sun to check on her. She's been having morning sickness. He gave her a call and some tips. I didn't listen. I am too busy with the diaper bag and getting my little man ready. I put you, little bug, in a light tan jumper with a pale blue shirt for your vivid, light blue eyes rimmed with dark blue. Your feet were bare. I have a blanket for you and extra outfit, bib and onesies. It's warm, but I don't know about the airplanes or hangars. Your socks will end up getting lost if I put them on you. I already lost two from two different sets. I don't know how you manage to push them off, but you like sticking your feet in the air and spreading those long toes. Soon enough you will be able to grab them and put them in your mouth. You are definitely beach baby, born near our beach camp, slept there and had no shoes or socks.

I think briefly about your island birth if there will be any interesting effects since that's where you were born and Aunt Sun's baby was conceived. Charlotte and Daniel were both geniuses. Miles was born there. He could easily locate and listen to the last thoughts of dead people. Do you have some super powers, little baby? I'm probably being silly. You gave me a toothless smile as if you agreed. God, I love you, you little mind reader. I'd settle for healthy and normal with you.

* * *

It seems like I blinked and now we are at the small airport ready to get on the massive U.S. Coast Guard plane. Time was starting to move faster. Time to face the families, the world, the outside. It's a short hop to the next island.

Our bags and items are taken care of. Karen took baby gear we couldn't pack and immediately passed it off to have it crated and tagged. It's all going to be waiting for us at Honolulu International Airport. It will fly with us to L.A. after the conference and transportation will take us to the hotel or homes at our discretion.

The U.S. Coast Guard will fly us into Honolulu to meet the families, then we go to the press conference. It's on a military base on the west side of the island, maybe another Coast Guard facility since they are a part of Homeland Security when not helping the navy. An empty hangar will be used for the conference due to number of reporters, camera people and photographers from all over the world. Security will be tight to shield us.

Karen walked up the ramp and explained the buckles are different than standard belts. She motioned us to come aboard and turned it over to one of the Coast Guard officers to explain. He showed us how to buckle and unbuckle the thick nylon belts and metal clasps that go across our laps. I sat holding Aaron. Jack buckled me, following the officer's instructions and tightened it. The officer gave Jack one thumb up. All four propeller engines fired up.

Sun sat next to me. Sayid helped strap her in. She's looks unhappy but her expression is flat to cover it. She wore a silk shirt and dress pants from Sumba. Sayid sat next to her in a lighter brown suit and dark brown shirt and straps himself in while Hurley and Jack are across from us. Hurley is in a large blue button up shirt and jean shorts. Everyone looks nice. Not long ago, we were all in sweaty, second-hand clothes. The ground crew removes the lower ramp, relay signals to the pilots and the rear doors close shortly after. The officer looks at all of our belts, approves and goes to sit at the front of the plane in the cargo area. He's out of hearing range. Karen made her way precariously with heels across the skids and uneven flooring to the cockpit to strap in.

The plane taxis and prepares to take off. You, little man, are licking my thumb and finger and gumming them. They must taste good or maybe it's the texture. We faced your Jack and Hurley. Everybody around us is serious, flat, but there is a bit of dread and apprehension. Jack's face has focus. You, little one, are oblivious except to my fingers and being bounced on my leg.

I have a few moments to think and am grateful I have your little body to hold. It's comforting. I don't regret not wearing makeup. I think Sun has a minimal amount on. Her parents will be here and it will be on television world-wide including Korea. After the crash, the only person that wore makeup among the survivors was Shannon. She was nicer with Sayid's influence. Maybe she was changing and maturing too, but she's gone along with her step-brother Boone, both buried on Boone Hill. He went to heaven the night you were born. I think you may have passed each other in the sky, his soul going up while yours, like a little angel, came down so you could take your first breath of life.

I started to feel drained of feelings and a wave of fatigue. I didn't eat much for breakfast with my nerves. My stomach felt full already. I rested my head against the cargo net and noticed Jack's eyes were closed, as were Sun's. I saw Karen making her way over to us from the cockpit, at least two dozen or more yards away.

Karen makes the precarious walk back, holding hand straps along the way, nodding at the officer on her way back. She tells us we are coming in for a landing and states again it's a military facility west of Honolulu and completely private. Families are there to meet some of us but she said as far as Oceanic is concerned, we don't have to speak to any reporters. She warned us a lot of press were there to speak with us.

Jack spoke up and said we'll talk to them. Karen looked around the group and asked if it's okay with us. She knows we make group decisions. None of us responded. Jack affirmed we all agreed already and it's okay, that we just wanted to get it over with. That last thing he said was God's honest truth.

She said okay and let us know they were calling us the "Oceanic 6," not the best branding but it was catchy. She said she'd see us on the ground and tentatively made her way back to the cockpit. I couldn't even make a face. Great. Oceanic 6. Oceanic Jack. Oceanic Kate. Oceanic Mom. Oceanic Baby. That phrase was going to haunt us forever.

Jack reminded us we all know the story and if we don't want to answer or don't know how to, don't. He said they will think we're in shock. Sun retorted back that we all were in shock. That's the most energy I've seen from her that morning. There's an undercurrent of anger in her response. The press and family were getting to her. Jin's absence too. Jack said that this should be easy and stopped talking. We were landing and the plane was slowing down.

We came to a smooth stop. I bet the pilots were crossing themselves before and after the flights when we were on their planes. I would, even if I was a passenger on board with one of us. Jack unbuckled first followed by Hurley. I sat with you, doodle bug. You were a little fussy, but didn't cry. Maybe it was the landing and sound of the gear. Four tall, muscular Coast Guard men attached another heavy ramp for us to walk off. They could have come from a cookie cutter. They all looked the same.

Sun and Sayid sat quietly and waited for a few moments while Hurley stood and quickly went down the ramp. He was yelling "Ma!" and running towards his parents. I saw a few others waving outside but nobody else. Jack rose along with Sun and Sayid. Sun left slowly next. Sayid stood at the top of the ramp and helped her down part of the ramp. Her parents were waiting at the bottom to embrace her. Her mom folded her in her arms.

The parents were hugging Hurley and Sun. There were tears. People from Oceanic and the Coast Guard stood around in a broad circle and clapped. There was an even broader circle of security and police cars farther out. For a moment, I didn't want to go out. What if…? But Karen reassured me of the reprieve.

I was slow to stand and leave the plane. Jack put his hand on the small of my back to support me and had me step in front of him. His arm left my back as I got near the bottom and his Mom approached. I kept walking to give them room. I noticed the men remained by the ramp, probably to make sure we didn't fall. I didn't want to keep looking around. Nobody was there for me. I held onto a slight hope that Dad found out last minute and came but it was squashed as I stepped on the ground. I tried not to stare at the police and security and swallowed hard.

We stood apart, just you and me while I kissed your head, savoring your baby scent. We were alone on our own tiny island. The warm, humid breeze whipped around us and causing your blanket to flap. I felt some gazes on me from U.S. Coast Guard members and Oceanic employees, but avoided anyone's eyes. I didn't want pity.

I brought my family back with me in the plane, in my arms except my Dad. I felt rooted to the spot and awkward. It seemed like ages, but it may have been moments. I had a hard time grasping how much time elapsed with everything that's happened. It was just you and me, my precious boy, while I swam in my thoughts. Then, Jack's arm was around my waist and other hand on my elbow, turning me, guiding us over to meet his mother.

I saw your Hurley grab your Uncle Sayid, who was in the same boat we were, standing there alone, feeling awkward. He took him over to his parents to introduce them and got big hugs. It swept away that lonely feeling. You got lots of admiration and attention. Margo gave me a hug and complimented you. You squealed in protest when you were squashed gently by Hurley's Mom hugging and kissing us both. She left red lipstick on your head that I need to discreetly clean off. I liked her immediately. I can see where Hurley gets his big heart from. She is so gregarious and loving. I could feel it from the warmth of her hug and the tone of her voice.

Sun tried to introduce her parents. She looked different, glad to see her Mom and stood apart from her Dad. Her Dad seemed glad to see her. His face was serious, but it was his eyes and breathing to hold back emotion that gave him away. Mrs. Paik didn't speak English but admired you, little man. Mr. Paik said nothing, but looked at you with interest. Aunt Sun gave me a polite look. I gave her a subtle look back to say I understood. I knew and was okay with however they treated me, only hoping they would be loving to her.

Feeling forgotten or alone is not a good thing. If you ever need me, little bug, I would always show up for you. I will be there for you no matter what you do or say, good or bad. I don't want you to feel the way I did today ever. It wasn't the first time I felt like that. It was a big day for us, coming back as survivors.

We had to go into the back of the hangar after meeting with the families. They were escorted to the reserved seating in the front. We were behind the stage briefly until Karen asked us to be seated. Jack helped me and you up the stairs. Our name plates were large and engraved, placed on the table front of our assigned seats along with two microphones each and a tall glass of water.

I sat on the left center facing the stage. Sayid was on the left end. Jack was in the middle, Hurley next to him and Sun was on the right side next to the podium. I felt a little queasy with anticipation but kept a flat look on my face, focused on you, sitting in my arms and facing the people.

On Oahu, we already agreed that nobody will interview separately for anything; no magazines, talk shows or giving friends or family any more details that might be passed on to the media after this.

This was all the world was going to get from us.

Right now, we are big news and it felt like we were walking in the middle of a shark frenzy. It was draining, all the noise, flashes, voices. Even the air was oppressive. I didn't miss the noises of humans and machinery. I was concerned it would upset you and was ready to take you to the back if needed. Of course, you were calm so it forced me to keep my bottom in the seat and face the gallery.

There were numerous reporters from t.v. stations and newspapers and t.v. cameras and photographers everywhere. The sheer number was staggering. Karen Decker did a good job of moderating the conference. She had a large map projected and showed the details of where the "crash" was in the Sunda trench, where the current took us to Membata and how an Indonesian fishing boat washed ashore with basic life supplies and a raft.

She said on day 108 we came ashore near a village called Manukangga and showed a picture taken of us by a fisherman, the one we saw before, projected on the screen. She gave details we didn't provide. That must have been put together by their PR team and maybe their own investigators with guesswork based on The Lie. It was enough to make it look like they were thorough with their investigation, but maybe it included their own lies. If they were really thorough, they would go digging for non-existent bodies on Membata but I had a sneaky feeling they want to put this behind them quickly.

Jack did the most talking between the five of us. He told them The Lie we agreed to on Penny's boat. He was asked what it was like after the plane hit the water. He gave the answer, explaining with minimal details that it happened fast, how we made it to the exit, used seats, floating devices and the current took us to the island in one day. He named Boone, Libby and Charlie as making it with us, but dying before we left, giving scant details and general timing of when for each.

A reporter suggested we looked healthy for being on an island for that long and Hurley diffused it by asking if it was directed at him. The peanut gallery laughed. Hurley was asked about his money and if he was glad to get it back. He said he didn't want it.

A Korean reporter asked Sun a question. She translated and said she asked if her husband was one of the eight survivors. She paused for a moment, then said no, he never made it off the plane. She looked down.

Sayid was asked about Iraq and said there was nothing there for him.

Jack was asked what's next and he said he was bringing his Dad's body back to bury him and wanted to put him to rest.

I held you, little bug. You had stopped moving and were asleep. I glanced down at you during the questioning. You could really sleep through anything. I heard my name and a reporter asked what it was like giving birth on the island. I leaned forward and said "Scary." I was asked your age and said that you're about about 5-weeks-old. The same reporter got a smug look on his face and asked if that meant I was six months pregnant when the U.S. Marshal apprehended me in Australia for an outstanding murder warrant. I sat back slowly, looked down at you, then turned to look at Karen.

My eyes caught Jack leaning forward to the microphone, his veins bulging in his fists like they did when he was punching somebody. I could see him ready to respond as a doctor with details, info and was praying, Dear God please intervene. It was either that or he was going to launch himself over the table and tackle him. Karen cut the idiot reporter off and told him my legal issues were off the table. Jack leaned back. I was grateful to Karen but ready to walk off. The questions became more intense and rapid fire. I shifted, feeling more uncomfortable and didn't try to hide it. I wanted to leave.

To avoid glaring at the snake that questioned me, I didn't look at him, only imagined his neck getting shot with one of the Other's dart guns, the one that makes you twitch, lose muscle control and knocks you out. Or let him walk into one of Rousseau's traps that leave you dangling. He's too scrawny and cocky, but it's all fake. He just did that to show his bosses what a big man he was when he probably wasn't much taller than my 5'5" frame. My anger conjuring errant thoughts.

Sayid was asked if here were more survivors while part of my mind wandered. He said no, absolutely not. I looked up and over. I wanted it to end and wasn't answering anything else.

Karen wrapped it up with no more questions and thank you for coming. I was disgusted with the reporters and wanted privacy, distance and blessed quiet after listening to that din. I would even be willing to sit on a beach and watch the ocean after that.

Hurley helped Sun off the stage and Jack held my arm and helped me. I rushed to the back with him easily keeping up with my rapid pace with his longer legs. He leaned over, arm around my back, and told me I did a good job. I guess. Sun was walking behind us with Hurley escorting her. She looked disgusted. Sayid was pulled aside briefly by Karen, then went outside the hangar leaving our group in a hurry. Maybe he had a family member here after all.

I looked up at Jack and said I needed to get out of there, now. I felt overwhelmed, angry, sick. Sun didn't look well either. He took the diaper bag off the table behind the podium and intercepted Karen to ask her where we can rest before the flight, that I needed to get out immediately. I didn't hear the rest but saw her concerned looks towards me and Sun. He waved for us to come over. She said Sayid was in the back briefly but she would take anyone who needed to go now. Family and Sayid would be transported when they were ready.

I took a deep breath, still seething, but didn't have the energy to sustain it. I decided to forget about the jerk and focus on getting out, even if I had to crawl. Jack didn't miss a thing. He took Aaron, put him on his shoulder and had his arm around my waist again steering me to the large vans lined up outside. Sun was with us too, not waiting for her parents. Hugo was waiting and would ride separate with the families and Sayid.

I put my head down for the ride, covering my face by putting my arms around the bag and my head down, burying it in the diaper bag smelling baby items. I felt Jack's hand on my neck, his long fingers rubbing it gently. I wanted to crawl in a hole, sleep and cry from tiredness and relief that was over. Someone put a small, flat bag next to me. Sun was in the row behind us. Her head was leaning back and she held one of those barf bags in her hand. An assistant of Karen's, one we didn't know, guided the driver out a back entrance away from any media vans and some back roads to take us to the Honolulu Airport. Aaron should have been in a car seat but Jack was the closest thing we had. I will ask for an infant car seat, one of those that came with the base for the car and pop into a stroller. I've seen women with them before. They might have one those magazines in the planes from stores you could order from and they instantly had it waiting for you when you got there. They had lots of things including baby items.

A headache was coming on. Maybe Jack could tell Karen which unit to order, unless he was busy with his Mom. A thought struck me that things had already changed. Would he change with her around? She's elegant, rich and I understood she just wanted to be with her long-lost son. If he did, how much would he change? Would he pretend he was just my friend and doctor?

I just wanted the day to be over. I sat up, gave Jack a grateful glance and put my head on the side of his shoulder. His strong arm slipped around my shoulders quickly for comfort but also stabilized me with the turns and bumps. Thank God for Jack. I could manage on my own but it wouldn't be easy with my headache and my little doodle bug.

* * *

We pulled up on the tarmac to a large, private jet owned by Oceanic no doubt for executives. We were greeted by the pilots and flight attendant when we entered. I wanted to sit near the back closer to the restrooms, just in case. There were sections of spacious, cream and tan leather seats facing each other with tables in the middle. I threw a swaddling blanket on one in the rear. In the middle of the jet, there were a pair of bench seats on each side facing each other. The flight to L.A. was only half full but could accommodate 30 people. The parents rode with us.

Sayid was beaming when he joined us. He introduced us to a lovely woman named Noor Abed Jaseem, but she insisted we call Nadia. She had a bright smile, shining, long brown hair and wore a modest blue dress with polka dots. They had been childhood friends and he was en route to see her when the plane crashed. She showed up late for the press conference. Her dark eyes sparkled when she looked at him and his eyes reflected back the look with deep emotion. I could tell there was something between them. I was glad for Sayid.

Nadia fussed over Aaron, who was asleep. Jack still held him for me with one arm. I embraced her and got the traditional three kisses, alternating cheeks. Nadia would become my friend after we settled in L.A. She was the one that taught me months later that when Sayid kissed my right hand, it was a sign showing deep respect in Iraq. I didn't explain the details, only I was concerned he was going alone to map out our island at the time, Membata in her mind.

Karen was there to ride back with us with her assistant. I told her I was worried about not having an infant car seat and asked about getting either stroller, car seat combination and base, or at least the infant seat and base at the airport. She said she will take care of it. I thanked her profusely and she put both hands over mine and said she's happy to help. I felt more relaxed around her after the press release and saw how she went out of her way for me and Aaron. She did her job and kept her word.

The families settled in groups. Sun was with her parents and looked unwell. She had to translate everything. She had requested rice for her stomach and hot tea. Her mother was fussing over her and Mr. Paik sat quietly reading a paper written in the Korean. I wished I could help her but couldn't. I asked Jack to check on her later.

Hurley was happy. His Ma, Carmen was fussing over him, but was glad he had lost weight. Some of their talk was in Spanish but he reverted to English as a response usually. His Dad, David, spoke a little, maybe to insert a joke or question, but he seemed out of his comfort zone. I get it. All of this was strange. Five adults and a baby are back from the dead with family who mourned and maybe even buried them by putting up gravestones over empty plots, all except me. I'm sure my Dad was sad. There was nobody else. I knew Diane, if she still lived, didn't care, not unless she got a lobotomy.

Jack's Mom, Margo, was polite. I called her Mrs. Shephard but she insisted on being called Margo. She admired Aaron, as they all did, her smile reaching her eyes. It was genuine. Jack was holding him so he got to show him off. When I got a private moment to whisper to him, I told him I wasn't well. I hadn't sat down yet since the jet hadn't taken off. He had me sit by the window sit across from his mother next to him. He smiled at her and leaned over to me to ask quietly what's wrong. I let him know I hadn't eaten much since breakfast yesterday and had a head and stomach ache. The light and noise made it worse starting with the press conference. I wasn't sick on the island, only when I had the panic attack.

He got up and talked to Karen, then got a few things from his stowed bag and pocketed them as she handed him a soda and straw. He brought them back to the table and said he'd give me something after takeoff. I leaned back and closed my eyes. I knew Aaron was safe with plenty of arms to hold him if Jack needed a break. The diaper bag was stocked and stored with his. I was buckled in, reclined and ready to go. I didn't want to be rude, especially to Margo, but didn't have enough left in me to chat. I hoped she would understand and I would get a chance later.

After takeoff, Sun declined the offer to lay down in the bedroom in the back. I wanted her to have first dibs. She insisted my putting Aaron back there and resting myself. I was feeling unsteady, so Jack quickly swaddled and put Aaron in bed and came back for me. I think the headache was a combination of the deluge of stimulation from the press conference, lack of food, and stress. Jack closed the door after us. I sat on the bed. I shook a little when he tried to hand me the lemon lime soda. He held it instead and made me drink with the straw. Aaron slept next to me with a decorative pillow next to him to protect him.

First, Jack gave me an anti-acid pill. I took it. Then, Jack gave me half a green pill, one of the anti-anxiety pills. I shook my head and voiced my concern about not being able to take care of Aaron. What if I dropped him or didn't wake if he cries? Then I starting crying myself. I told him I felt like a bad mother. He sat on the bed and hugged me saying it's okay and I'm a great mother. I had more at stake coming back to the U.S. and it's just nerves. It was only a half dose only to take the edge off.

He said we were been drinking from a firehose at the press conference and it would settle my nervous system. We're all in some kind of shock after 108 days of beach and no civilization. He and his Mom will listen and he check would check in periodically since they are in the back. If I'm asleep and Aaron woke, he would take care of him. It's was a 5 ½ hour flight and there was plenty of time to rest. If I felt better, come sit with him, but for now, doctor's orders, go to sleep. He will tell them I have a headache if anyone asks. He smiled and said he heard in the press conference that I had a baby 5 weeks ago. It's understandable. He reached and set the trash can next to the bed, just in case.

He stroked my face and gave me a loving kiss on the lips. I took the half pill. I really didn't have all my marbles together. I was not myself. Before I tried to sleep, I took his hand and looked up into his eyes, focusing on the splash of vibrant brown surrounding his pupils with a piercing gaze. I was seeking the truth from the eyes of the man I loved. I asked him to be honest. Would things would change between us? Is he going to pretend we're just friends? I needed to know. It would hurt more if I was surprised later. I understood his Mom was there and she probably wouldn't want me around.

He gave me a puzzled look, then seemed to understand. He looked at me, his eyes and face filled with love and compassion. He gave me that look, the special smile when his heart was in his face. "Kate. Nothing has changed. We had a press conference. That's all." He stroked my hair and gave me a more passionate kiss before making me remove my belt, shoes and stocking socks and tucked me in.

He said softly his Mom was hoping to hold Aaron and asked him if it was okay but she didn't want me to feel uncomfortable. He gave a soft laugh. He said he thinks she likes me, but we need to spend more time with her so she'll love me too. Aaron remained on top of the covers, laying on a soft blanket and while swaddled in another, sound asleep. He kissed my forehead, reached over to kiss Aaron's, and I saw his tall frame, which cleared the barely cleared the door frame as he turned off the light and closed the door. I was out shortly afterwards.

I woke feeling better after hours of unbroken sleep. Jack said he had to check on me several times. He was concerned about the dose after a while, but realized I was exhausted. Aaron had woken, been changed, fed and had been held by and passed among all of the families.

Jack declared he's destined to be an ambassador. He was quite an ice breaker and had put everyone in a good mood. He told me in a conspiring voice to get dressed and come out. I would be surprised to see who had him now but I needed to hurry. I put on my belt, shoes, smoothed down my hair, checking myself once in the mirror. I also sipped the soda and said I needed to eat something mild if they had it.

He brought me out. Across the aisle and forward a row from the Shephard's were Mr. and Mrs. Paik. and Sun. Mr. Paik had Aaron, looking at him and sometimes talking to my little man in a gruff voice he seemed to tone down. He then made comments about him to Sun without breaking eye contact with those blue eyes. Mr. Paik wasn't smiling exactly, but his eyes looked pleased and he was more animated.

Aaron sat in his lap sideways, looking up at Mr. Paik and gave his toothless, baby smile when the man spoke to him in Korean, like he understood. He held Mr. Paik's fingers and wanted to taste one. Mr. Paik saw me and said something to Sun. Sun smiled and said her Father wants me to see something. She patted the seat beside her for me to sit. He first held Aaron around his tummy with both hands. With his own legs pressed together, he put Aaron's feet down on them in a standing position. Aaron tried to stand on his wobbly little legs. His legs started to moved like he was trying to walk forward.

Mr. Paik said something to Aaron, then laid him flat on his lap, facing up. He gave Aaron a pointer finger to hold onto with each hand and said something to him. He tried to get his fingers back. Instead, Aaron gave a big smile and gurgle as he held on and was raised to a sitting position. Mrs. Paik fussed and had her hand behind Aaron's back to catch him if needed. Sun translated saying her Father is telling him he is a strong baby, very strong for being so young. He will grow up to be a fine, strong man.

He said something else to Sun to translate. After walking me over, Jack had rejoined his Mom. The rest of the passengers glanced over with pleasure. Sun said softly to me so Margo or Jack wouldn't overhear that her father compliments me for presenting the doctor with such a fine son. I should plan to give him more.

Oh gosh. I blushed at that and glanced up towards him, but didn't meet his eyes on purpose. He nodded his approval at me with a serious face. She whispered go along with it. I asked quietly if he understood anything we said or the media and she said no. It's better he doesn't know otherwise. I asked Sun to thank him. I told her she knew what Jack and I discussed and I trusted her to give an acceptable response to her father.

Mr. Paik nodded his approval at me. I didn't know what to say. Jack didn't catch any of that. I blushed and smiled, looking down in slight embarrassment when Sun talked to him about us, then looked at Sun. I had a feeling based on interacting with Jin early on about looking at him, so I asked her if eye contact is appropriate with her dad and she said no. Not in Korea for higher ranking people, especially men. It's not like America.

Sun asked if I was feeling better. I was. I told her she should go lay down. It might make her feel better. She said she already did. She ate and Aaron was good medicine. Her mother politely listened and Sun translated.

I asked if I could say something to them respectfully about her and it would be brief. She looked at me with a straight face, her fathomless, dark brown eyes trying to read my thoughts. She agreed with slight reluctance, not knowing what I was going to say. I said softly that they raised a fine daughter. She helped us survive with her knowledge of plants as food and medicine to keep us alive. She was a great help to me and Aaron. She helped me care for him and is one of the reasons he is alive and doing well. I am proud to know her and call her my friend.

Sun translated in bits as I talked and paused at times, embarrassed at compliments. I asked her to please say it with all due respect from someone like me. I added at the end I know they are a very important family and Mr. Paik is an important man. I am honored to meet them. I hope Sun's and my children will be friends.

Her parents seemed pleased. Mrs. Paik smiled and nodded. Mr. Paik made what sounded like approving sounds at intervals. I don't know if she translated it exactly. I just wanted to let them know what a gem Sun is. If they liked Aaron, they should see their daughter as part of the reason he thrived. She helped take care of him and got him to that freighter for me, but I can't say that. Sun squeezed my hand. She had changed a little, seemed more proper, but was herself still in other ways.

Aaron started to fuss just a little. Mr. Paik held him out to me but it needed no translation. It was time to go to Mom. I took him and held him closely. He snuggled his head against my neck and quieted right away. Mr. Paik softly clapped his hands on his knees and spoke. Sun translated that's all Aaron wanted, his Mother. He is good natured, very easy-going baby. She said her father thinks he will have good fortune in life. I told her to tell him thank you again, glancing up again but only to his chin. He nodded back. Sun patted my forearm and told me to go join Jack. She will catch up with me later.

I didn't want to be subservient but didn't want to offend them or create stress by their saying she couldn't talk to me or see me. They were her parents. It's not that it would stop her. I realized they were in a high class of society in Korea. I respected that for her sake. The world doesn't revolve around America. It's already different, being in society. We had our own island society, despite representing a cross-section of the world. A little understanding and respect went a long way to help us be a more cohesive. Out here, my three friends and Jack came from different worlds than I did. I want to know more. I want Aaron to know more so he isn't ignorant or prejudiced ever.

I sat next to Jack. He had a mushroom risotto dish for me with a side of vegetables and water. I sighed with delight. It was on a tray with the same set-up as first class complete with large, cloth napkin. He had orange jello for my dessert but said I could upgrade if my stomach could handle it. It was perfect. I prepared to eat. He offered to take the Aaron, who was falling asleep after being Mr. Social.

Margo put her hands together, smiling, and asked if I minded if she held him? I was glad she asked and said of course. I stood and took him to her, positioning him the same way as I held him against her neck. I placed a swaddling blanket over him for her to cover him up. I saw Jack's look when I sat. He gave me an appreciative smile.

I thanked Jack and ate slowly, savoring the food. Margo asked politely how I felt. I waited until I swallowed and said much better, thank you. She said she understood. Everything must be so overwhelming and having a new baby… She stopped herself. Jack shook his head slightly at her and said we have plenty of time to talk about that at home. He wanted to make sure I ate. He said I lost enough weight as it is, most if not all of the baby weight and haven't been eating much. He doesn't want to tube me.

I frowned a little at him while taking a bite when he said tubing. Margo made a face and told me don't mind him. She won't let him. There's all kinds of good food at home, plenty to tempt me and Jack is a great cook himself. That got my attention on a few levels. I raised an eyebrow and asked if he's been holding out information, not that we had much variety to choose from food-wise, much less cook before.

He smiled cryptically and said there's lots of things he can do that doesn't involve using his medical training or other island skills. I returned the look and said so you've told me. I turned to Margo and said that Jack told me he played piano. Did he do recitals or concerts? I could see Jack cover his face out of the corner of my eyes.

She laughed quietly so she wouldn't disturb Aaron. It was a sweet sound. I told her it's okay, he sleeps through anything. She said heaven's no, Jack didn't do concerts, but definitely recitals. She sighed. She said he was so gifted and it pained her when he had to give it up to focus on his studies to get into a good pre-med program. He could have gone on to make a career in music. I could see the wistful look in her eyes as well as the affection for her son. I noticed she had dark hair and green eyes too, but much paler than mine. I could tell she loved him.

Those words she said before he left Sydney must have been spoken in anger. I bet she regretted every word every day after the crash for 108 days. Jack was her baby boy at one time, like Aaron is mine now. She patted Aaron and swayed slowly. I liked watching people be sweet to my little bug. I like her so far, but the question was, would she like me? Would she be bothered by what I was accused of or believe what really happened?

I haven't told anyone my entire story yet, how the house blew up and why the marshal tacked on exaggerated charges. I would tell my attorney, but wondered as I sat there if I should tell Jack. If things keep progressing with us, I would tell him if he wanted to know. He might not.

* * *

We finally made it to L.A. Karen had executive cars there on the tarmac for us near the private jet. One car had the pumpkin seat and base installed and the stroller was in the trunk. Thank goodness. We waited on the plane. Karen handed out five cell phones and said those were temporary, courtesy of Oceanic until we can get our own devices. She also gave us each an envelope with our stipend. I didn't open mine, just tucked it in the diaper bag until later. She asked who was going to the hotel. Jack asked if he could make a call first and suggested Hurley or his family to do the same to check and see if news vans or paparazzi were lurking around their homes.

Jack called a neighboring doctor by his condominium and confirmed the entrances and street parking areas had news vans and cars clogging up the area in hopes of capturing Dr. Shephard's return. Jack relayed this to me and his mother softly and said it's better for himself, me and the baby to go to the hotel to avoid this. There's security there. He isn't going to tolerate paparazzi pursuing us with 5-week-old baby in the car in L.A.

Hurley lived in a gated community and his property was gated. He was undecided. Jack said maybe he would consider it after a night or two of it but they are really aggressive and sneaky. Hurley looked at his parents. He was usually more decisive about things, but seemed a little torn. His Ma said whatever makes him feel better. She would like him home but he may be less anxious at the hotel.

Hurley said he'd try at least one night at home. He wanted home cooking. That made sense. If Carmen was my Ma, I would want the home cooking and to be fussed over too after the hell we've been through. We were past our mid-20's, but I would be grateful at any age if I had a good Mother. He was fortunate. He asked Karen for the option to come and stay at the hotel if he changed his mind. He also asked if we can all be on the same floor. She said she would work something out. They would hold a room for him, even if he changed his mind tonight.

The Paik family would stay at the hotel in a separate room from Sun. That left Margo and the Reyes family including Hurley to say goodbye to. They would be shuttled discreetly to the Reyes car and Margo would be as well to hers. She said she would come by and visit the hotel and invited us to visit her. She hugged and kissed Jack a few times and even hugged and kissed me and Aaron goodbye.

Sayid, Nadia, the Paiks and Sun, Jack, Aaron and myself headed off to the hotel in the executive cars with our scant luggage. Karen said to call her if she can do anything for us. She's based out of L.A. She reminded us the hotel and any car rentals were already taken care of. We all thanked her. She's done more for me and Aaron combined to help and make things right, including the press conference. She gave Aaron a kiss on the head. She really cared about him. Everyone else shook her hand from our little group before we headed off.

Jack and I went to our room. It already had the crib set up, courtesy of Karen and The Beverly Wilshire Four Seasons in a Rodeo Suite. There was a large welcome basket of fruits, cheeses, crackers and champagne. If they wanted to impress me by putting us here, they did. I remembered the movies filmed there. It was old and luxurious, even had an elevator man. We got ready for bed after I fed, changed and put Aaron back down to sleep. I briefly admired his pumpkin seat and stroller. It was exactly what I needed.

The lights were out and room lit by the lights outside through the sheer curtains. We hadn't pulled the dark ones yet. Jack was already laying down in his boxers, the covers pulled back, watching me move around. I looked at him, admiring his v-cut muscles that led into his boxers. There was something about those muscles that made me crazy.

I stripped down to nothing and put my hands on my hips, stating I really needed to shop because I won't fit in around here. He looked at me, amused and aroused at the same time and patted the bed and told me to join him. I crawled into bed and sat on my heels next to him. He was staring at me like I was dessert. His hand moved to cover my upper thigh and he spread those long fingers, which covered it all. I smiled and asked what he was doing. He said he was going to test my theory about fit and would give me his expert opinion later.

I decided to delay and talk briefly first since I had his complete attention, even though his eyes wandered over my body. I wanted to tell him some things from my heart. I told him to lay on his back. He could touch my thighs but not wander yet because I need to concentrate and tell him something important. He looked intrigued and flipped over on his back. He couldn't resist grabbing my waist and placing me exactly where he wanted me on top of him. I sighed. He knew how it affected me because gooseflesh rose all over my body and my internal thermostat was already raising. It had the effect he wanted. I looked down and ran my finger lightly over small trail of hair leading to his boxers. It had the desired effect on him. I smiled pertly and looked up.

I told him it's hard for me to say these words because I tried to avoid this most of my life including commitments. It's not that I couldn't commit and be loyal. It was hard on the run, but those days were over. I left them on the island.

I said I loved him. I regretted not telling him I loved him too on the island. The words were there, just stuck in my throat. It made me feel vulnerable, something I hated in the past.

I told him I'm afraid. This is all new to me and please be patient. I am afraid him leaving me. I have a battle ahead. He's from money and a brilliant doctor. Who am I? I trust him. I love him. I believe in him when he tells me he wants a future with me. That's why I'm here, exposed to him, in his bed.

I added that he was an amazing man and the smallest things turn me on like this, and I traced the two v-cut lines, and said when he holds Aaron it turns me on too. His smiles, looks, a lot of things make me want him. Even looking at his long fingers. I smiled. I stopped at that point. I saw his eyes were wet and frowned a little and crawled up his chest to kiss each one.

He opened them and gave me that look, the deep one filled with love and told me his heart was touched. I put my small hand on his face and stroked his cheek. He grabbed it and kissed my palm, then took the back of my head to pull me in and kiss me deeply before flipping me over neatly to lay on top of me before ditching the boxers.

Enough words. It was time for us both to show each other how we felt.

You were sleeping, little love. I am so proud of you, Aaron. You made a lot of people happy and united the separate islands of people on the plane today with your cute little antics and face. You really are all of ours.

I Love You,

Mommy Kate


	8. Chapter 8: Negotiations and Celebrations

Dear Aaron,

I think of you a lot. You are in my heart. You make me want to be the best Mom possible. That starts with me trying to be the best Kate I can. I'm no saint and will never be. I can't erase my past. But I could keep working on improving, making sure I put you first with decisions the way my Mom never did for me. My Dad was pretty much married to the Army. He was a lifer. Despite that, he deserved better than what Diane did to him. She didn't deserve him, but I was sure lucky to have him for my Dad.

Maybe it would have worked if Diane was loyal to him the way he was to me and to her. She cheated with Wayne from her hometown when she visited my ailing Grandpa at the old farms that hadn't produced for years. She was checking up on her Dad but apparently had other company. She went when my Dad was deployed. She lived on base, same as I did when I was born until I was 5 and they split. I was a product of one of her visits to the homestead while Dad was in Korea. I hated my step-dad. He was my biological dad but my real Dad is your Grandpa Sam. You won't be hearing about the other one from me.

I want to be at peace and not carry those angry feelings forward. I am still working on it, but it's getting better. My feelings about Diane are a different and unresolved. Why do I work on these things? It's you, doodle bug. You make me want to change and forgive and forget the bad. I don't want to have any of that influence my relationship with you as your Mom and the kind of wife I will be someday.

Dad was still a loyal, devoted father to me and never remarried. The latter part was probably smart on his end with how long he is deployed. I hope he doesn't regret that or have any regrets in life, even me. I say that in secret. I'll feel better when I see and talk to him about how he feels about me. He never lies.

I got a message from him. The army tracked me down somehow to this hotel, probably through Oceanic. He's in Afghanistan. I was so elated to hear from him. He will be there for a long while still but will come and see us as soon as he is on leave. He was real sorry to miss our homecoming. He was so happy and relieved I was alive and that I have even given him a grandson. He said our survival is the best gift in the world. He wasn't allowed to receive or send communications for a long period, same as always with special ops missions.

He's deployed a lot, but the advantage we have here is the Army retirees out men at a young enough age to live some. He calls it being "put out to pasture" like a farmer would when retiring a good workhorse to let it enjoy the rest of it's days. I loved horses when I was little and reading. It's like the end of the book called "Black Beauty" when the horse gets to enjoy a life of ease in a pasture with old friends after a mixed life. He is back with his original owners. It's a happy ending.

You will get the best Grandpa at some point to spend time with, to teach you things he taught me. He's good man that will hopefully influence you to be one too. Thank God for Dad. He's part of the reason I'm still alive between my years of running, but especially living on that island. A lot of people can thank him for anything I was able to do from his training me and love for the outdoors, even my extraordinary climbing skills. He coached me on what branches to look for to be safe and how to test their strength as I scaled to great heights. He let me explore. I hope he lives somewhere near enough to drive. I hate flying.

I am sending him a letter soon and some photos of you when I either get some developed or do what Sayid encourages, email them. There is data card in my camera. Sayid went out and bought a camera for me, one that is easy to use and has good quality, high resolution photos. It's easy to put in a purse or my pocket to snap pictures of you. I paid him back, glad to have the money to do it. He refused at first, but after three attempts accepted.

Sayid told me no developing pictures at a photo booth or anyplace public, not even a computer that take cards. They store the images. They will be able to see photos of Aaron, maybe more of Oceanic 6 that any employee may steal and make thousands of dollars from with media outlets bidding for any photos of us.

He will find us an easy to use small photo printer for 4x6 prints I can make myself from the room. He said they were at the electronics store. Sayid is on the web with a computer now. He is up to date on technology but also monitoring things somehow with media outlets and more. Did I ever say Sayid is a genius? He is. He's exactly what we need in this group with the right skill set from the beginning. I frown at the thought a little. It's like fate but I didn't believe in that. Or do I? Or maybe it's coincidence?

I was so relieved to hear from Grandpa Sam. He can't wait to see us both. We have something to look forward to in the coming months. Maybe we will have a home by then. Maybe not. If not, I won't have my Dad staying at a hotel. Your condo nursery, when we set it up, may have to double up as a guest room unless we can get a folding couch for the living room. He will protest but I want to spend time with him and LA is too expensive on an Army budget.

* * *

Negotiations will start soon. I write to you because you are the purest, best thing in my life that keeps me moving forward. You inspire me in more ways than I can tell you now. So, bear with me. The negotiation stuff is kind of tedious, but critical. It's not that I want to remember every detail. It will help me remember who did what to help. It's my record of the brilliant work, deeds and words of my adopted family, our group.

We talked, the five adult survivors. We met in Sayid's suite. Nadia was sitting with you while you slept. She loves you. Everybody does! I think she can handle you for a bit. Sayid trusts and loves her. I'm picky over who watches you, but trust him implicitly. She has several siblings, younger and older and was expected to help with the younger ones. She has small nieces and nephews too down to newborns and even helped with home births. I saw how she holds you tenderly and talks softly to you, even when she thinks nobody is watching. I think she is ready for her own babies.

Sayid and her seem inseparable except for times like this. They obviously love each other. I know Sayid loved Shannon, but he still needs to move forward and live. If Shannon truly loved him, she would want him to have a life, wife, children. It doesn't mean he didn't love her. Sayid is clear on boundaries and wouldn't lead Nadia on. I wouldn't be surprised after things settle to see them together and little Sayids and Nadias in the future.

Sayid started the meeting before we went into his suite. He silenced us showing he wanted our cell phones and put them in a bag. He gestured for Hurley to open his suite silently then put the bag on the dresser before closing the door. When we sat in Sayid's suite, minutes later, he stated empathically that he wanted us to ditch our cellphones and get our own set up as soon as possible. He said don't show Oceanic any reason why or discuss it. We can just thank them and hand them back or say we are done and ask what to do with them. We were curious why.

He explained it's easy to put a chip in the phone to listen to both sides of a conversation. It's also too easy to put a tiny device inside the casing to listen to the room and regular conversations, like a bug. The latter was old technology. Oceanic has been kind but he said "don't look the gift horse in the mouth". We are in a great negotiation positon but can ruin our position by talking to each other about secrets or disclosing negotiation ideas or tactics to each other on the phone or even in rooms with one cell phone present. It might sit there like spy. There is a lot of money at stake for Oceanic, so take nothing at face value from them.

He isn't paranoid. It's his background as military communications officer. His experience has been invaluable to us. He said he also worked undercover for our government but won't explain what he did. We don't need to know. We each vow to get our own phones and not use ours anymore unless we it's an emergency.

Sayid said do it today if possible, tomorrow at the latest. In the meantime, isolate and bury our phones in other rooms in suitcases, in drawers buried under clothes, before any personal talk or other and talk softly, even in the bathroom with water running. Treat it as a listening device.

The potential bugs in the phones bothers Jack. We jointly parse through our recent talks but think the two of us are in the clear. The only we don't mention is that the phones were parked on the hotel dresser at night, charging during nocturnal activities. Hopefully that is irrelevant, only embarrassing to anyone that may have listened. How can they use Jack's and my relationship against the five of us and what does it matter? Who's sleeping with who is does not belong in a multi-million-dollar negotiation about surviving a plane crash.

Our team is solid, more than Oceanic thinks. Our bond was forged on the island. Karen Decker and her assistants were there to watch over and take care of us, but definitely feeding information back to corporate. I am no lynch pin, but consider myself good at reading people, looking for tell signs and calling b.s. Jack said I'm a Mom and Sun will be. That's going to work out in everyone's favor to settle this. We will get high settlements, and separate ones for the babies to set them for life.

The amounts being discussed among our group are so large they are beyond what I would ever think of or imagine. It's good that I am not involved establishing the base amount. I came from a town where people could raise a family and have a home with an income of $25,000 a year, hopefully more. You were doing good if it was over $30,000. Farmers don't make a lot and grow some of their own food. That probably helps plus things are cheaper there.

What you don't have, a neighbor might be growing or canning for sale. In a small town, it's how people got along with less money. Plus there's the Amish. They made good baked goods, breads and canned things for sale at affordable prices. We didn't have much money but I didn't go hungry. I was skinny because I loved to run and be outdoors. I still do.

Sayid is the expert at reading people and seeing if they are telling the truth. He won't back down once the battle lines are set. He's also our technology expert.

Jack is an eloquent speaker that has great strength of character, will-power and aggression and will use it. He's no cerebral doctor. He's a doctor that comes from money and drives himself, even other people hard when needed. He also can be intimidating and is a well-respected, well-known physician in L.A. and in medical journals. He's has knowledge of business politics plus family business with the estate and dealt with attorneys personally and professionally.

Sun is a stone-faced negotiator and has picked up far more than she let on about business and dealings in Korea. They will have hard time with her. She's doing the same as Hurley and individually paying an attorney that specializes in this to secretly work with resources in the airline industry come up with minimum amounts plus any roofs on the amounts they might settle for with us.

I believe the lynch pin in negotiations is Hurley. He's so easy going and casual. I hope Karen reported that because despite that and his background with Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute, he's _not_ crazy.

It's very dangerous to underestimate someone based on how they look, demeanor, gender, disabilities, any previous depression issues, or other reasons. _He_ is one of those people.

Hurley is so soft-hearted and loving, funny, skeptical, and loves his science fiction to the point arguing about who's super powers are best with Charlie. Yes, I caught part of that. But Hugo has a tough streak in him, one that that they should have paid closer attention to find. He keeps it well hidden, bringing it out only as needed. I guess it is like one of those super powers he admires in science fiction.

He has a good business head. I don't know if he even realizes or doesn't acknowledge it. He's so humble. He owns and is invested in different businesses and has two attorney firms that do work for him in Los Angeles. Mostly it's ad-hoc work but he said it keeps them honest, something he values. He has a strong moral compass. He doesn't want them going to dinner, making one mention of his case, then billing him for the dinner and their time. He made that clear with them from the start.

The law firms want more from him and are willing to wait for some big case to land from Mr. Hugo Reyes and take his ad-hoc work willingly, using their best attorneys. Usually top attorneys work on the big deals, but I guess they consider him to be a big fish to land still. Hugo said each firm wants this case desperately but neither will get it unless we agree to one and that's only if the negotiations fail completely. In the meantime, top attorneys and investigators are knocking themselves out trying to get Hurley what he asks for.

Hugo had each firm's investigators discreetly doing the same as Sun's, tapping quietly into the airline industry analysts and personal private contacts for dollar amounts. He doesn't ask where they get the information but suspects there are leads into Oceanic because some of his information is specific enough to help him put a working draft together with us to finalize and present to Oceanic as part of negotiations. Despite his unchanging, casual speech, he must have read and signed dozens upon dozens of legal documents.

I love that money didn't change him.

The interesting thing is the money we negotiate will be helpful to most of us, but is a drop in the bucket for Hurley. Despite that, he is the one really outlining what should happen and advocating hardline items to benefit us. Hard line items are non-negotiable. He said Oceanic would use those as "Bennies" they might keep in their back pocket if we didn't "hardline" them up front. "Bennies" refers to Benjamin Franklin's face on the U.S. $100 bills.

In negotiations someone usually holds back on a wanted item or have something additional to sweeten a deal, like a "Benny." That can be big deals down to something like buying a car or appliance. In big business deals, a $100 bills in the back pocket won't make a difference with the amounts we will be dealing with but he wants to take away "Bennies" from Oceanic to shorten negotiations and increase our final settlement. He didn't want to "leave money on the table".

I took notes and wrote down the hardline demands when we met. These are things we will walk away from the table over and go to court to get. They are not up for negotiation. It's big mouthful and isn't complete. I don't know if I have every word recorded correctly but I'm not the record keeper or document handler for the negotiations. Here it is so far:

*The settlements will be paid fully in cash to the bank or institution of choice to each of the 6 recipients, not structured settlements.

*Tax laws change yearly. Oceanic is based in California as their corporate headquarters. Oceanic will provide updated tax law information for the year of settlement, currently estimated at 2005, for the state it is settled in as well as the state or country of residence for the recipient to see if settlement is taxable or not.

*Oceanic will pay the amount in either U.S. Dollars or foreign currency at the rate of exchange set of the closing day of settlement to non-U.S. citizens if they choose to exercise that option.

*If the settlement is taxable. Oceanic will pay the taxable amount to the IRS or state on behalf of the recipient above and beyond the settlement to settle the tax debt and will not deduct the settlement or make it less than the amount paid to the other 4 recipients unless specified other-wise in special additions that are non-negotiable.

*Pay-outs, once negotiated, finalized, and notarized having followed all due processes in law and court to make them legal to satisfy the State of California, will be paid in 30 calendar days or less to each recipient. If the amounts are not satisfied by then, the contract can either be considered null and void by the Oceanic Flight 815 passengers, 6 survivors and Ms. Kwon's unborn child, 7 in total as listed on the contract and taken to court as a lawsuit; or Oceanic will pay an interest rate of 20% per settlement for every 30 calendar days it is late. This is at the discretion of the payees. If the settlement is paid in full 10 days late it will not be pro-rated. Interest will be paid at 20% for each settlement including special additions since it was past deadline and is in the window of being 30 days past due.

Extra hardline items that are non-negotiable include:

*Payout to Aaron Austen, infant, will be equitable and the same as the other 5 adult survivors.

*Payout to Ms. Kwon's unborn child will be equitable and same as the other 5 adult survivors.

*Oceanic will also add to Kate Austen's settlement an agreed upon amount for Aaron to attend a premiere college such as Brown or Columbia for four years on estimated rates based on tuition for 2029 and also an extra 4 years of tuition estimated for 2025 rates for an institution such as UCLA for four years to allow him to pursue all higher learning opportunities including advanced degrees in his field of interest. This will not be diminished and Aaron's intelligence will not be presumed on either by testing or statistics by Oceanic with this settlement agreement. Money will be invested at the discretion of his mother, Kate Austen, and her financial advisor at their discretion.

*The same will higher education hardline as outlined above will be provided for Sun-Hwa Kwon's unborn child for higher learning based the same guidelines. No assumptions will be made on the unborn child's health or any testing to presume intelligence or abilities.

*For both children, the agreed upon amounts for their higher learning stipends must be agreed upon as a part of this negotiation supported by tuition projections from the 3 named universities for the years specified. No annuities or payment plans will be considered. The same settlement payout conditions shall apply to the college stipends as the regular settlement payouts in bulk. Any expense incurred getting the tuition information from the institutions will be paid for by Oceanic Airlines.

*Ms. Austen will be paid an additional settlement for extreme pain and suffering, physical and mental, after surviving a crash while 6 months pregnant and then forced to give birth to Aaron Austen, her son, under extremely primitive, dangerous, and unsterile conditions with no prenatal or postnatal care from a licensed ob/gyn. Ms. Austen's suffering and medical condition put her and her son at risk for complications and potentially death to one or both of them while on the island.

*Oceanic will not make any further demands upon Kate Austen for any exams or appointments with the hardships she has endured during this period and post-rescue. She will seek private care.

*Oceanic is responsible and will assume all responsibility and liability, as stated by Karen Decker, Oceanic Employee and Liaison to survivors of Oceanic 815 flight, for post-rescue duress and medical issues experienced by Ms. Austen post-rescue. This was due to lack of information and resources provided by Oceanic to help inform her of the Oceanic press release regarding the rescue of the passengers including Ms. Austen and her son, born on the island. An agreed upon amount will be paid for Ms. Austen's pain and suffering, which continues as noted:

1\. Ms. Austen received no psychological treatment or care to help her deal with carrying a child to term, giving birth and post-partum or mental health post-crash.

2\. Ms. Austen suffered two dangerous panic attacks, one of which became life threatening post-crash, both triggered by Oceanic.

2A. The first panic attack, experienced in Sumba, was witnessed by Karen Decker and Dr. Jack Shephard when Ms. Decker relayed Oceanic news about Ms. Austen's legal status, triggering a severe panic attack that turned into a crisis. Ms. Austen was rendered unable to care for her infant during that time, causing her more issues. She suffered mentally and physically during the crisis.

2B. The second panic attack was triggered by Oceanic's press release as witnessed by all survivors on CNN, an item not discussed or acknowledge by Oceanic to the survivors even as a courtesy. Oceanic also didn't inform the media backlash targeting Ms. Austen's legal issues. This triggered an extreme mental and physical crisis that resulted in a life-threatening panic attack, rendering Ms. Austen unable to breath, to lose consciousness and could have resulted in brain damage or death. Ms. Austen was treated on-site at Oahu airport to save her life and monitored by the airport medical team in the on-site medical facility. Ms. Austen's son, Aaron Austen is wholly dependent on his mother for his well-being. The medical crisis was witnessed by Karen Decker, Dr. Shephard, and all of the Oceanic 815 survivors including Ms. Austen's infant son, who was inconsolable for the duration of the crisis, Oahu Medics and the results including the extreme loss of blood oxygen by the medical team that treated her for at the airport medical facility.

*The additional amounts for the pain and suffering above experienced by Ms. Austen and risk to her son, Aaron Austen, will be paid per the terms outlined above for all settlements in one payout.

*Ms. Kwon will be paid an additional settlement above and beyond the equal settlements paid out to the listed 6 survivors and her unborn child for hardship and suffering experienced as follows:

*Ms. Kwon experienced the death and loss of her husband, Jin-So Kwon, as a result of the Oceanic 815 crash, as witnessed by her, listed on the flight manifest and check in counter, boarding scan and final flight headcount

*Ms. Kwon was pregnant at the time of the flight and experienced personal hardship and suffering on the island, putting herself and the baby in peril with no prenatal care of a licensed ob/gyn, same as Ms. Austen, during the 108 days on the island in a primitive, dangerous and unsterile environment.

*Ms. Kwon received no offer of psychological treatment or care to help her loss of her husband and carrying his unborn child post-crash to date from Oceanic.

*Oceanic is responsible for the adult survivors listed that did not receive care by licenses psychiatrists or psychologists for pain and suffering after the Oceanic plane crash for pain, suffering, and hardship. The survivors will seek private care but it is expected that the costs will be included in the settlement for each survivor.

*All survivors listed continue to suffer pain, hardship, stress and other issues related to the Oceanic 815 crash due to lack of search and rescue by Oceanic, called off prematurely.

*The survivors listed did not receive care in a licensed medical facility for injuries sustained from the crash and time spent in the ocean and on the island to survive for 108 days until reaching the island of Sumba on their own volition after utilizing a raft that washed ashore.

* * *

So, it's more than a mouthful and incomplete. It's still in draft form and I may not have all the words right but that's from Hurley's behind the scenes legal and investigators, combined with Sun's attorney's information. That doesn't include the money amounts. I won't add those now. I know attorneys are behind the scenes but the attention to detail with Sun and myself says Hurley all over it.

I have a hard time believing some attorney that wasn't on the island came up with ideas of how to take care of our babies. I can read Hurley's care and concern with the panic attacks I had, Sun losing Jin, and providing college educations for our babies. _He_ wanted to make sure we were compensated for it. The attorney or attorneys who helped are not receiving any percentage of this, only whatever Hurley is paying them.

I'm sure more will be added by our group, but based on our start I feel confident on the approach. We also have a negotiation strategy. It shows some of their weaknesses and our strengths. I am writing down some of the points but not all, just main or detailed ones for now. I can remember the rest. It's not like Jack won't talk about it later alone with me:

First: We need to come up with a threshold that we will not let them go under. That is the base amount and will be all some survivors like Hurley, Jack and Sayid receive. We have to think long-term, not a small sum like $4 million. It sounds like a lot, but that's not going to take care of someone for life in California, namely L.A. where most of us are staying. It would buy a house and sustain a person few years if not working. Taxes are high, food cost is high everything is.

The team is adamant to make it much larger to give everyone the option of working or not based on L.A. residence or Korea and money will not be the driving factor ever. The district in Korea Sun comes from is very expensive as well but is where her family is based. The eyes of the world are on us and any jury would be sympathetic and biased at trial, especially with two mothers as a part of the group. Hurley said think much higher, more like mid-8 figures each for the settlement (well above $10,000,000 but around or under $50,000,000.)

Second: There blunders on Oceanic's part post-crash and post-rescue. Karen did what she could as directed, but there are higher-up executives that could have authorized or said certain things. She has to be mentioned by name, but there's a whole think tank and attorneys that are paid to do this stuff for them, risk analysis, up front care and benefits vs. cost of damages later.

They must have been asleep at the wheel. They were not expecting us to turn up ever.

Third: We have to realize they will lowball us, try to drag it out, bluff, act like they are walking, try to pick apart things which we will not permit on any hardline items. Hurley called it "going down rat holes" which disgusted and amused our group. He shrugged and said his attorney uses it. It's basically a time-wasting tactic. So, no "rat holes."

Everything is in black and white and endorsed by them with timing, as well as medical and lack of medical with witnesses. Plus, they won't impose any tests on the moms or babies, physical or psychological, or on anyone else. All of us would seek private care based on settlement money stipulated for it, not by a doctor paid by Oceanic. Aftercare and treatment will be done without further stress for Sun or myself.

Fourth: We have to be willing to walk away, break to talk among ourselves at any time, and understand walking away, even if a lawsuit is filed would still likely settle out of court to avoid a press nightmare and stock loss for them. We would also sue them to pay our attorney fees and can show our negotiation documents and reasonable terms offered for settlement at trial. Oceanic could let us walk and call us back later, or a day or two after saying they reconsidered. A lot of money is at stake.

Fifth: To our advantage, Oceanic needs to put this embarrassment behind them financially and media wise more than we do. The reasons include money, their liability to stockholders and customers to ensure them that they care, are safe, and won't leave them stranded in the Pacific with no search and rescue.

Hurley wants Sun and me to have the option to not work and raise our babies. There is enough outlined to provide for that. There is more for the group to add and then our document, turning into a small book has to be polished, finalized, and packaged professionally to present to Oceanic in the conference room where negotiations will be held. We'll all get copies prior to mark or make notes on. Hurley said he will have that taken care of too.

* * *

Hurley pulled me aside, wanting to talk alone after one of our group meetings. He said if I need to buy a home anytime, even tomorrow, he will either buy the home for me as a gift or baby gift. I protested on that. I can pay him back later, but don't need one yet. He said he'd rather have me accept it as a gift, but if not, he can buy it, then convert it to a no interest loan with him after the we get the settlements.

He said there's other options too but if I need to move out sooner or Jack and I do, he can make it happen as fast as I can pick a house. He told me not to mention it to Jack yet unless it's a joint decision but he wants me to have the freedom to choose.

How can I thank him for that? It made me well up. My tear glands must have leaks. I hugged and kissed him, which embarrassed him but he does give the best bear hugs and picks me up. He's the most generous soul I know.

Jack may want to buy a family home jointly with me, but I have a need to do this myself if Jack isn't ready at the same time I am to move into a house. I don't know what our future is still. I still don't need a ring now. We've just gotten back from hell and need to settle down, but Aaron is a bit of a game changer.

Jack's condo is so close to the hospital he can walk there if he goes back to work. It's really convenient for him but has no yard, playground, parks unless I drive somewhere and there is no community with other moms and kids. It's like a fancy apartment that he happens to own.

Hurley wants me to do a Living Trust and Will when we settle with his attorney as well as Power of Attorney in case I am sick, incapacitated, or otherwise for medical decisions for me and also in case Aaron needs a temporary or full-time guardian, God-forbid. He said I can even do the Power of Attorney parts now before the estate stuff. He said it's morbid but he did it and feels better about it since we had that crash. That really has me thinking. What _if_ something happened to me? What about Aaron? It's been on my mind ever since we discussed it.

He will ask around for top criminal attorneys for me to start interviewing in the near future and retain after the settlement, even if nothing happens for a year or years with legal. The attorneys network in any given area and his can give him a short-list. An attorney would keep eyes and ears out for me and give me advice if needed.

Hurley said he will vet them first to make sure they are legitimate and good fits for my personality. I am sure Jack would want to do that too. I bit on my lip and looked at Hugo, thanking him again, and asked if he can work with Jack on vetting attorneys. Hugo's eyes lit with understanding. He said, "Sure. No problem-o." I know he understood. Jack likes to have control and be involved. I don't want to cut him out of the loop. I will talk to attorneys after they screen out anyone that isn't a match, but am not ready to deal with it. It makes me start to feel sick, thinking about it.

I want it to work out with Jack. I want everything with him. But I am under a time frame, not immediate, but definitely have a clock or calendar going with Aaron as he grows. I want him to have little friends to grow up with and not be like me. I hope Jack is on board with that, doing what's best for the baby, for all of us really if we are going to be a committed family.

I want a home before Aaron gets too big, definitely by the time he is a toddler, playmates for him to grow up with, moms for me to network with, something new for me, and good school system for him to learn. The mom and woman social circle could be good because I could learn a lot. I can be friends with women. If any gossip and don't respect our need for privacy there will be an issue, but I am optimistic. I thought if I can find at least one or two good moms in our neighborhood to be, that will be enough. It makes me happy for my little bug.

Imagine, me, Kate Austen, with a new house that I could decorate, furniture that isn't secondhand, painted walls, everything works including appliances, new beds, bedding, a nursery, some things I never could begin to dream about before but could now. I could hire people to paint and fix up a place if it needs it.

Margo's been nice. If things are okay and she and I get along well I'll ask for her advice. We went to her house once and my Lord, it's amazing. It made me think of that old show with that man's snooty voice. It was called "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." Her home could have been on it. It's a mansion. Yet, when I saw Jacks' room, although sizeable, it was also homey and personable, not like a fancy museum and lacked the fancy artwork and pieces I saw around the house, hearths and hallways.

I asked Margo if had a hand in decorating it and the other rooms. She said yes, she approved it all herself, but most her attention was on Jack's room and also changing it as he grew older to match his age group and stage of life. I would be glad to have her help with at least the nursery if she wanted to in my humble place.

It's almost unbelievable. I can stay home with doodle bug.

Then I started to think of the legal stuff on hold and started mention it periodically. It made me fret sometimes and is next. It's muddying up my dream of raising Aaron in the house with Jack, our family, maybe another baby... Jack and Sun told me not to think on it at all when I bring it up because I start to feel my throat close. I would like the green pills to stay in their bottle, so I am trying to heed their advice. But it's coming. I just have another hurdle until I have to listen for it barreling down the tracks like a train.

Trains came through Ames on a regular basis. It's scary to stand on a track when one is coming, even if it's far off. You can first hear it by waiting and feeling the tracks, even putting your ear down. Then, when it's closer, but too far to see, you start to feel the vibrations on the rusty tracks you are standing on. By the time you see it, the light is on and conductor blaring his horn. He has to when going through residential areas and to go slower, but even at a mile away, going 25 miles per hour, it makes your heart pound between the sheer size and power of the beast baring down on you, horn blaring, smoke pouring out the top, and causing your legs to shake badly with the vibrations.

We usually jumped off the tracks by then to avoid a neighbor telling our families and getting the whipping that would be waiting for us at home. The trains affected everything near the tracks. Houses vibrated as it passed, dishes clinked in overcrowded dish cupboards and sideboards and knick-knacks and heirlooms in curio cabinets wobbled. Even the pictures on walls shifted along with plates hung for decoration. People straightened them and then went about their business after.

* * *

We have just a few days before meeting with Oceanic's legal team in the hotel. We are going to win, whether it's now or later. Things are going to be okay, I think. I stopped myself with the last thought of "I think." The cold claw of anxiety is just waiting for me to think too far ahead to what's next. I can't go there. I have to hold it together and be strong for Aaron.

Before negotiatons, Sun made me go to a salon to get a good color rinse to get rid of any sun-bleached and damaged, darkening it to my natural color and a treatment that kept my curls but made them so shiny and soft. I can blow dry it too now into long, straight locks and no frizz. She said I have to go back in 12 weeks to get it done again to keep it smooth and shiny. It's worth it.

Then we went with Jack and a security guard to the bank and cell phone store. We wore sunglasses and stayed low-profile. Mr. Paik and Mrs. Paik went back to Korea after two days. Sun didn't seem to mind. She said she will rejoin them soon enough.

I opened a bank account for myself at a large chain Jack uses, the one with the horse-drawn stage coach wagon as a logo. I had a small account in the past, when in Ames, for checking and a small savings that was always seemed to run dry. I tried saving but between rent, food, bike repairs and eventually buying a used car, I didn't have much there. I didn't leave have any debt behind though.

I opened the envelope and thought there was a mistake. They paid me a double payment of $50,000. I asked Sun and Jack about it, showing them the check. They said it was because of Aaron. I want to put money aside from him and quickly asked for advice, Should I open a savings for him now? It's a lot of money I was holding, more than I ever had in my life. They said that is was nothing compared to what I would need. I have to buy a lot for both me and him. We owned almost nothing. My big first purchase will be a car, but I can finance it. I walked away with a checkbook and savings account with Jack's condo address on it. I was grinning to myself.

I also have my first cell phone. It was easy. We walked into one of the cell phone carrier stores and walked out with phones and accounts. Jack put his phone number in mine first, winking at me while he was doing it. He also added Sun's and did the same for both of their phones.

I have a new flip phone, the kind that has caller-id, a phone book for hundreds of contacts, can text but it's a pain with the numbers having 3 letters on each one. It also has a camera. The camera makes grainy pictures and I would need a computer to download and print them. I have a cable to charge it and another to plug into a computer but have no computer. That's not a priority for me now, but Jack said he can pick one up for me. I can email Dad if he uses his army account and send him grainy pictures! Or at least I could email him. I never used it before.

There's set-up involved. I thought I could hire someone but Sayid offered to do it for any of us before I even spoke of it. He said don't trust anyone to install our computers or any wireless networks at home. Let him so he can set us up with security so hackers won't get our information. He assured us we will be targeted, not just by the news but reminded us of who sent the freighter Kahana. Also, who blew up the Kahana.

That sent a chill down my spine. Penny's father, Charles Widmore, was the one that sunk a large, international plane painted to look just like ours in the Sunda trench full of bodies dressed to look like pilots and passengers. We all needed to be careful, not just with computers. I am guessing he wouldn't want us to talk. He may even want us dead.

Ben wanted us dead. He blew up the Kahana. Desmond said it was Ben. I want a gun at some point and figured Sayid may be able to get me one. I'm not sure if Jack has one or if he will give me access with my upcoming legal issues. I'm no dummy. The gun would be hidden, have a safety lock and be for protection only at the house or condo. I'm not a convicted felon. I'm only accused at this point. Federal law states that convicted felons can't own guns unless their record is "expunged." That's not me.

We had access to limos and town cars thanks to the Beverly Wilshire. We use the back employee doors to exit the hotel. A few photographers lingered outside the front to see if they could catch anyone of interest. The concierge was a big help with the type of clothes we need. He sent us to personal shoppers with after-hours appointments at large stores. Our group had to split and shop separately for but Jack stayed with us for a while, even just to sit nearby. We had Aaron at the hotel with Nadia. During our daytime shopping, Hurley's Mom took Aaron, watching him in our room. She insisted we call her Carmen.

At the store, Jack talked in a low voice giving strategic advice to Sun and myself. He said to be sure to dress the part for negotiations. He wants us to remind the attorneys we are moms, a beautiful mother to a newborn and a beautiful, expectant mom and widow and look the parts. Dress up but not suits. Make them think hard about how sympathetic a jury will be and how much more they might award us above what we ask for. He said it in a business manner. It made sense to me and I wasn't offended. Neither was Sun.

We came bag with a lot of bags. A few things will be tailored overnight for Sun but my stuff mostly fit off the rack. My skirts are more fitted and straight but tops are flowing and different, pretty fabrics that are short sleeve or spaghetti straps that require ¾ sleeve sweater that don't gather. I have dress pants too but many tops disguise my waist and abdomen.

Sun's clothes are somewhat similar, but more plain and darker in color and silk tops with pastels that are winter colors. She bought maternity, but only the tops for newer Moms. She said she will get clothes for America but shop in Korea. Styles maybe different there. She's so tiny. Dress tops are loose and gather below our hips in a wide band now so we get those too. We have undergarments, shoes, hair fasteners, but also comfortable casual clothes. I have flowing, modern peasant tops that come low enough to cover my low-cut, boot-cut jeans, shoes with a heel, flats, strappy sandals, and low-cut boots.

Sun made me buy fun, colorful and lacey underwear and bras, lingerie, silk sleepwear, tops and bottoms with the bottoms being feminine and some lacey but not see-through, and ruffled nightshirts, for me and for Jack's eyes only. She said if I feel attractive in it, buy it.

Jack had wandered off with the guys when we got to bras and underwear. All of that took an evening for us to accomplish thanks to the discreet, well-paid personal shoppers. Once they knew our size and tastes, they filled the dressing room with a rolling rack for each of us to pick and choose from, adding, taking away, even encouraging us to look, but they did well. The ladies were required to sign non-disclosures about our identity and activities. The store manager was willing to courtesy of Hurley's attorney, so we didn't have to worry about pictures or news about a shopping spree turning up.

I bought a few clothes for Aaron but will buy more later. I have baby catalogues to pour over now with Sun, individually or together. She said our babies don't need all of that stuff. It's American marketing. Keep it simple. I don't know what simple means in L.A. and to raise a smart baby boy. At least I am not alone and have people to ask.

* * *

It's been almost two weeks now since negotiations started and now they are done. They conceded to _all_ our requests and played a little hardball on the base settlement amounts but conceded on that eventually too. They even gave each of us a "Gold Pass" to fly for free for life, for us and the babies. We walked away happy but it was almost anti-climactic.

Either we asked for too little or they are desperate to bury this. In any case, it's over.

We got what we wanted and are set for life. I still can't even wrap my head around it. Oceanic even agreed to pay for our stay at the Beverly Wilshire Four Seasons for another month or however long it would take for us to find accommodations, whichever was the lesser of the two.

We signed the agreements this morning after they were thoroughly reviewed by us yesterday and by Hurley's legal team. Hurley's attorneys did their job working back and forth on the wording to include all of our demands and exact dollar amounts with the Oceanic attorneys. We reviewed final copies, made edits, attorneys exchanged the final docs and we co-signed the settlement. Aaron and I will be millionaires in 30 days or less, as will my friends.

I must be crazy, dead, or the luckiest woman alive today.

I survived a crash that should have killed me, I was on that island, survived numerous things, then was rescued, now am going to be a multi-millionaire, have a baby to care for, and man I love so much who loves me back who I've been to hell and back again with. I have my own family born through trial and fire with me.

What's the catch? When would I wake up? I hoped never.

* * *

We all took the risk to drive in Hurley's Hummer and an SUV Sayid bought to go to Hurley's house to celebrate with Aaron safely strapped in his pumpkin seat. I had his seat covered with a light blanket on our way in and baby blankets over the blacked out back windows, plus sunglasses on so they couldn't see me, the baby or Jack.

Hurley is unmistakable and incorrigible with his friendliness. He smiled and waved, window closed with his sunglasses on before going into the gate. Sun rode with Sayid and Nadia, ducking in the back seat.

Once safely inside, there was laughter, plenty of food and the any tension left melted off of in waves. Carmen must have been cooking for days. She has a marble, wraparound counter for us to sit at and fussed over Aaron who was sleepy. She called herself Abuela Carmen, saying Abuela Carmen loves you. Abuela Carmen is going to make sure your Mommy's not too skinny. She addressed him as part of the party. I guess she has decided she is his grandmother, something he needs, maybe something she needs too.

Hurley considers me a sister, so I didn't question her calling me and Sun each "hija". Sun complimented her food too. I saw her appetite is getting better. Carmen fussed over Sun, wanting to stuff her. I think she would have literally fed her a heaping plate by hand if Sun would have let her. She thinks she's too skinny and the baby will be tiny and sick. She crossed herself at that and anytime she brings up the island.

Sun assured Carmen it will not be a tiny, sickly baby and made Carmen feel a little better when she showed her privately the profile of her growing tummy, starting to stick out enough to be seen.

Carmen shifted then to Nadia asking her about Sayid, when they will marry and have babies. She smiled, her face full of color, and said that is up to Sayid with when.

Carmen asked me pregnancy questions about Aaron but stopped because I looked down. Sun stepped in and said the island was not a good experience and it can be painful to talk about. It wasn't easy being there. I did have some tears, only thinking about how my little bug was born in the jungle, no doctor in sight and his Mommy Claire laying back on a fallen tree while I caught him in my arms, crying in joy and relief. I don't want to forget. But I don't want to talk about it and can't anymore.

Carmen hugged me. My tears were gone quickly because she started on about "Doctor Jack" and myself making more babies with him, how beautiful they would be. She goes on about my green eyes and said Spanish men sang songs and wrote poems about green-eyes women. I would be worth my weight in gold to them so Doctor Jack should move fast. L.A. was full of Hispanic men from all over the world. Some very rich, some famous and we were famous now. They would fall at my feet.

Oh, God. But I can't resist her enthusiasm and her words are all laced with love, humor and compliments to lift my spirits. Carmen was a joy. She made us forget with her embraces, food and talk. Sun and I laughed with her more that night since, well, I can't even remember. Nadia laughed too.

And where were the guys? Grilling out and smoking Cubans while drinking Coronas with fresh squeezed limes by the pool. Jack picked me up on a trip inside and took me out to the edge of the pool, wanting to toss me in while I kicked and protested with a death grip around his neck. If I was going in, he was coming with me, even if he was double my weight.

Carmen watched from the door laughing. I got away without being dunked when I pulled his head down and kissed him deeply and passionately enough for him to swivel and put me down. I knew he would have to stop because I knew exactly how his body would react. I could play that game too. I turned to see him rub the back of neck and his short hair and smile, shaking his head while watching me walk in. I snickered, knowing he was thinking of cats, nuns or baseball players now to regain control.

Carmen made me promise when I settled to come see her regular or she is coming over. She knew from Hurley I have no family here and my Dad is deployed. She remembered when we arrived and had nobody. She shed a few tears. I told her it was okay and patted her forearm. Everyone there was my extended family. Sun was my sister as Hurley and Sayid were my brothers. Carmen said that would make her my mother, so I can call her Ma too.

She then put her elbow on the counter and asked, "And what about Doctor Jack, hija? He's not your brother. So, what do you want to tell your Ma?" It's hard to not talk answer her. I shook my head and asked her what she wanted to know. Big mistake.

The question I asked her back was too open-ended. She wanted to know where will we live after the hotels? Do we enjoy our room now? Does he have right intentions for me and Aaron? Does he want to give me lots of babies or only one like other American men? Americans were too career focused instead of la familia. I should have many beautiful babies for him. She winked at me and said it would be fun with him to make babies with Dr. Jack. and I should start soon. Aaron needs a brother or sister and adds she knows Dr. Jack wants to the way he watches me, like a _hungry animal_.

Sun was on my left and behind Carmen. Her hand was over her mouth, muffling giggles, tears coming out of her eyes. I could hear Nadia doing the same. I started laughing too, so hard I was crying and covered my mouth to mute the sound. I told Carmen I was sorry. I explained was embarrassed that's why I was laughing. I don't know the answers to all of that. Jack might know. Will she ask him the same things? Carmen had a dish cloth in her hands from picking up hot dishes and playfully hit my arm with it and said of course, hija. She had a determined gleam in her eye. I knew she would do it too. God, I love her.

Carmen Reyes is expressive with beautiful gestures, warm brown eyes, and fluid Spanish interspersed in her talk. She's heavier in body than us, but the softness envelopes me with her hugs. Her arms and skin drew me into the warmest embrace that topped her son's when we arrived. It's the embrace of a loving woman with a big heart. Her size doesn't take away from her beauty, energy, humor and love in life.

Carmen loves love. She _is_ love. Does that make sense?

When I calm down enough and catch my breath, I decided to steer the conversation to Hurley, to compliment him and from my heart say how much he meant to me personally. I loved his big heart and strength of character. He was a walking moral compass with the best sense of right and wrong I've seen. He is endlessly compassionate and underestimates himself. He took such pleasure in helping us, making us happy in an unhappy place. He also has a great sense of humor and is humble. He thinks of others and puts them first. I didn't know his father yet, but know what happened and gave Carmen credit for raising him to be the best of men.

I also told her about how Jack felt about him, only from my own perspective of course. I saw how Jack liked him, thought so highly of him that he trusted him with important things he trusted nobody else with. I don't mention one was food provision with the hatch, but Jack deeply trusted Hurley. I said Hurley's past doesn't matter to me or our group. We know about it. He has a great love for people. That's what made him sad. He takes too much responsibility on himself, as Jack does.

With everything we've been through, Hurley and Jack have bonded. Jack can learn a lot from Hurley, to be more easy going and enjoy and let things go. Jack, being a doctor, feels responsible for everyone to an extreme. He felt responsible for deaths that were not his fault, just because he couldn't save them.

Sun agreed. She had seen it herself. We don't give Carmen details that would steer her mind from Membata, but I wanted her to know what a gift Hurley, or Hugo as she calls him, is to us, to everyone, to me, to Jack.

Carmen cried when I talked, so Sun started crying and I cried too, then Nadia joined. They weren't sad tears. It was a soggy few minutes for the four of us until the guys came in. Hurley teased his Ma, making her snap the towel at him and caused us to break out in laughter when he flinched and yelled that it really hurt.

I looked over at my little man, who was sleeping. Jack caught my glance. He smoothly walked over, pushing back my shining waves of hair and whispered I should wake and feed him so he sleeps tonight or do I want him to? He lips brushed my neck as he talked softly into my ear. Nobody saw it but Sun and Carmen. A flush went up my chest and neck straight to my face. I wanted to turn around, wrap my body around him from the elevated stool and kiss him. It was the perfect height. I would keep it in mind for the house.

Instead I turned towards him whispering I will and "Hold that thought." He smiled, patted my bottom out of view and rejoined the guys.

They were convening out back on Adirondack chairs without the ottomans around a large, square fire pit built near the pool house. It allowed Jack to lay back and stretch out his long legs. I wanted a fire pit and chairs like that for my new house and back yard so I could sit around the fire with friends. It made me think of the beach camp fires. I had to ask Carmen where she bought them. I knew what a fire pit was. I want to commit everything I loved to memory so I could have it in my dream home, someday to be a reality.

The evening was wonderful. I held my doodle bug, but only long enough to start your bottle. Sun wanted to take over feeding, Abuela Carmen wanted you, Nadia wanted to play with you too. I got you back for the stinky diaper but I don't mind. You like being nice and clean, just like me and gave me the sweetest smile. I kissed your little face and tickled your belly when the new diaper was on before dressing you. Then we made our way to the back.

Carmen spoke to David making sure the Cubans were gone for the baby but said most of it in Spanish in a no-nonsense voice. He held up his hands in surrender and said in English they're done smoking.

More chairs were added. Mine was beside Jack but he patted his lap so Aaron and I both joined him temporarily. I could tell he was really relaxed, maybe slightly buzzed too. I snuggled in. I fit under his chin. He kissed the top of my head and held me and the baby. Eventually I got up but he grabbed my waist, wanting the baby and I leaned over to kiss him chastely on the lips. Nobody said anything about it initially.

A conversation was softly circling, but I caught a few looks, smiles and eyebrows raised. Carmen sat a few chairs over and looked knowingly at Jack. She told him that's where Aaron came from. Keep it up and there will be another for him to hold soon, not that she would mind more babies.

I looked away and Sun tried her best to keep a straight face, as did Nadia. We didn't want to start. One giggle would set us all off.

I sat beside him, put my small arms on the large arm rests and looked up at what stars I could see that night. I enjoyed the warm night air and looked into the flames. Hurley wanted Aaron, so my little ambassador began to make his rounds. When Aaron was passed to Hugo, Jack took my hand and held it, giving me the Jack love look and behind that the look of want. I reflected back both to him.

Nobody saw it because of my little bug. Even David enjoyed him for a while. Carmen wanted to make sure we would come to Hugo's birthday party she was starting to plan, even though it would be months later. His birthday was a week before we arrived in Sumba.

Sun would be gone by then. I looked at her not understanding, then it hit me. Korea. She's going back to Korea. I didn't know when but it would probably be soon.

* * *

We made it back to the hotel unscathed by photo seekers that night minus Hurley. No wonder he wanted to stay home.

Aaron went to bed after one more bottle and diaper. It was a long, productive day. It was a life-changer. I didn't have to think about what's next yet. I dressed in lingerie in privacy in the bathroom, despite Jack's curiosity and pressure to open the door to see what I was up to.

When I walked out the doorway and stood there, backlit only by the vanity mirror lights, he went from laying on the bed in boxers, head on hand, to springing up and standing in front of me in zero seconds flat.

He admired the thin, greenish-gray silk straps attached to the lace top. It was deep cut with a ribbon tie at my sternum. Sheer, pleated fabric was attached to the top that crossed over as panels in the front so it could be opened to expose my mid-riff. The sheer fabric was bordered by the same soft, delicate lace. The bottoms were made of the soft lace too. They were high cut on the side, but scooped low in the back and front.

He ran his hands over each garment with his long fingers, gently examining them before he picked up my lithe form so high I was hugging him with my legs around his back in a vice and my arms around his neck. It's what I wanted when on the barstool earlier.

His lips met mine and he laid me gently on the bed, never breaking contact. In hindsight, the lingerie maybe lasted a few minutes at most, but I had no doubt he liked it and loves the woman wearing it. He's proven that over and over.

Jack and I celebrated far into the night and early morning hours, to starting another chapter, to new beginnings, to us and our friends, and hopefully to a good future.

All thoughts, reasoning and worry swept away, as they always did when I was entangled with him passionately, with every inch of me feeling loved.

He makes me feel like the most desirable creature alive.

We have lots of things to look forward to my little man! I love you!

Mommy Kate


	9. Chapter 9: Goodbye and New Beginnings

Dear Aaron,

Well, I have some sad news and some good news. I will start with the sad first, at least for me.

Your Aunt Sun went back to Korea. I knew it was coming but wasn't ready. She didn't talk a lot of specifics with the group about what she plans to do with her settlement, which is coming in a few weeks. She has a big plan coming together and is working with a few financial institutions that her father has no reach into. Some have offices here so she had some private, face to face meetings.

Her face is unreadable if anyone starts talking about what they are doing with their settlement. It's really too much to say we are doing one thing or two. It's more than enough to last a lifetime if we are smart about money and investments.

I know a little about her plan but don't want to write anything. She has an agenda. Let's just say your Aunt Sun is fearless, intelligent and has her eye on the prize. She amazes me.

She is doing well. Her pregnancy is progressing nicely. Ji Yeon is due July 7th. Sun said that is an auspicious and lucky number in her culture. She is going to be five months along and is finally showing in some of her maternity clothes. She conceded and bought a few maternity pants at a high-end maternity store in L.A. She doesn't want to pack too much.

The morning sickness is gone and she seems to have more energy. She mourns but keeps it private, focusing on her baby and people around her. I wish I could be near her to support her with the Ji Yeon before and after her arrival.

I don't tell her but am worried it's really going to really hit her leading up to the birth and after the baby is born that Jin is gone. I am already trying to figure out what I can send her or anything I can do to cheer her up. Travel is out of the question for me because of you and the big thing coming I don't want to dwell on. I just want her to feel loved and supported.

After the settlement agreement was finished, she put together plans and booked her flight to leave a week and a half later. That would give her time to visit and take her time getting ready. We are her only pseudo-family and friends here. We spent a lot of time with her as a group and then just me, you and Sun.

I wish we had a garden plot to work in while you are in a basket or something nearby. It sounds weird but it was healing for me, hopefully for her back on the island. She taught me things I will write about someday, things about life that parallel working with the earth and cultivating plants.

You are officially two months old but really three months old. December 5th is your official first birthday. Sun said this is a big milestone in her country. Many babies long ago didn't live that long in Korea. They had 100-day feast back then, but now focus on the first birthday party or "Doljanchi". She won't be there for this and bought gifts for you now and also for you to be presented with then. They include things like clothes, so many, for the next few sizes up, and an envelope with cash. These are modern Doljanchi gifts. She said to present the cash envelope to you along with a jewelry box on that day. It has baby rings, something I haven't seen before.

She said traditionally, people buy the baby a gold baby ring or rings for the first birthday. This is to wish the baby longevity and prosperity. They could be sold later to pay for school or college if necessary, but you wouldn't need that. Multiple people will bring the a baby ring. She bought you ten, one for each finger and thumb. They are so tiny and a keepsake. She said I can put them on you that day, but you like to taste everything and I'm leery they will end up going through your digestive system.

I want you to always keep them a special gift from her and Ji Yeon, who will be your friend someday. They wish for you to have a long, lucky and prosperous life. She enclosed a card written in English and Korean for you that we will always keep with the rings.

Sun found out the baby is a girl at her last OB/GYN appointment. She has been going to make sure the baby is healthy before travel. I usually take her to appointments. We cried when we found out it was a girl, then she cried after we left in sorrow that Jin was not there to find out he was right. She doesn't usually weep in front of anyone, not even me.

She plans to put up a grave marker sometime after she arrives home to visit and honor him. I can't imagine her loss and how she feels. I don't want to be corny and say things what a comfort the baby must be to her. I tell her things will get better over time. Maybe it will sting less. She has many people who love her. She's strong and knows it. The baby will be the best of both of them and she is a miracle and meant to be born.

I told Sun Ji Yeon is a miracle and already marked for great things with how she was conceived, survived the helicopter crash, and how Sun was rescued from the island so her daughter could be born. Sun had a hard time taking that in and thought about it a while.

Ji Yeon is definitely a miracle baby like Aaron. I believe she and Aaron have great futures in store. They are the smallest and most vulnerable of us but survived.

* * *

Jack and I moved into the condominium finally. He has also been busy with his mom with working on family estate and taking care of affairs left over from his father's death. That gives Sun and I time to go places discreetly to avoid photographers and talk.

I like walking with her and Aaron on trails designated for that, bikers or runners. I have a jogging stroller we use. It's also for my new neighborhood, wherever that is. Sun needs the exercise too, but always covers up, more than me, in a large hat, large glasses and her arms covered as well to keep her skin from getting tan.

There is beautiful scenery, plants and we pass people but they hardly ever recognize us. The worse we've had to do is give autographs, which I find strange. I keep Aaron covered. He faces me in the stroller and has a cover that zips over him for privacy.

Sun has given me a lot of advice about relationships and me as an individual. I didn't ask for it, but I do answer questions about Jack and I when she asks.

Things are going well for us as a couple. There are no major issues. We don't always agree, but that's normal and we usually come to a compromise. We love each other and that hasn't changed at all.

She is more concerned about what's ahead, but doesn't mention it by name to avoid upsetting me. She said I need to plan for Aaron and find out if Jack will be willing to care for him. She also wants me to do Power of Attorney right away, medical, estate and also for guardianship for Aaron.

Sun offered to take him if needed, but it will be tricky with her being overseas with sending a small American baby there. She would have someone transport him like Hurley if his family couldn't take him. If that was the case, she will work that out. That's assuming that Jack wouldn't be his guardian.

The big concern she has with Jack is if he starts to work. She saw firsthand how Jack is with patients since she worked side-by-side assisting him. He was obsessive and driven.

She worries there will be no balance for Jack based on his past behavior. He admits working long hours at the hospital but that is his job. He _does_ have some control within that though and maybe avoided home. I know now he was married briefly but no details. Margo mentioned it with disdain. She obviously didn't approve of his first wife.

If he doesn't raise Aaron and I am not home for a while, who will? A nanny? Margo can't be expected to. Will Jack take off of work? I don't know. She said I need to have a talk with him, a very plain one and I agree. My mind is hesitating with all of this because of the anxiety at the thought of what might happen. She understands but she said to just think of it as business plan based on what is best for Aaron. I need to have a plan for his well-being.

I will get started on that shortly. Hurley already has people lined up to draft documents based on my wishes. But, I need to have frank conversations with Jack and my friends about Aaron. When they all supported my taking him, they all knew this was a possibility. They said won't let him go into the system, become a state ward, or be adopted to strangers.

Her words of advice helped me. I need to compartmentalize my feelings so I don't stay in a frozen state, waiting for that "train" to come in sight. I will feel better with plans in place.

She also said she wished the best for me with Jack. She thinks we are meant to be together since after the crash. She had seen what we have been through. She doesn't want me to change like she did after marriage and lose myself. She said he and I need to be clear that baby's needs come first but to take care of our relationship to keep it strong.

She wants me to protect my individuality as well. She said learn from her mistakes. Don't repeat them.

She also wants me to go to the doctor. I refuse, not wanting to have them see me "post-partum". She said go to a general doctor for a checkup for anxiety and bloodwork to make sure I am okay. I take note of it and say I will. I am no in a hurry.

The day came for departure too soon. We took her to the International Desk. Goodbyes were already said at the hotel and tears shed, but we cried anyways as soon as we hugged. I don't know when I'll see her again. She's the first best girlfriend I've ever had. That says a lot because I'm 27 years old. We've been through things that no person should have to go through and survived it.

Sun has blossomed and is breathtaking to see, not just her beauty but her poise, intelligence, confidence, grace and leadership. She would have rivaled Jack last September on the island.

Jack and Aaron were there adding levity, especially my little man. She had kisses for you and suspects you will be running circles around her and have lots of hair when she sees you next. She said she will have a little friend for you too. We wished her a safe trip and I cried quietly on the way back to the hotel with Jack holding and kissing my hand.

* * *

You, Aaron, continue to grow and amaze us and everyone else. Officially you are 2 months old, but I have to add one month in my mind because of The Lie. Your pediatrician said you are perfect. You are supposed to weigh average 10-12 pounds as a 2-month-old. As a 3-month-old it's 13-15 pounds. You weigh 12 pounds, so you are really helping your new Mommy out. You are perfectly healthy.

I feel bad about some of the checkups because you are so happy, then end up crying at the end. You had to get caught up on a lot of vaccine shots. They had to give them to you in each arm and each leg in one visit. It was four shots total. I held you while you cried until it turned to snuffles. Your cries made my heart hurt, but it will save your life maybe and prevent diseases.

Jack came to those appointments with us and held and comforted you too. He doesn't like you to cry either but said it's necessary. The risks are too high to go without them. I agree. It's just hard to see you wail.

* * *

So, I will move on to some good news now. There is more than one thing to talk about.

Sayid and Nadia are going back to Tikrit, Iraq to have a traditional wedding this month. It will be mid to end of February. Wedding celebrations take seven days and involve a lot of traditions between the two families. They have tickets booked. The settlement money will be in well before they fly but they are getting married this month, then, after visiting with their families, will return to settle in L.A.

Nadia said the number seven is an important number to them. There are seven steps and seven rituals. Both families and the neighbors are involved. I wrote them down so I could ask her about each part when they get back and understand the pictures.

*Mashaya \- In the beginning, men from the groom's family will meet with men from the bride's family to formally propose the marriage. She will separately be asked by her father if she accepts. When she does, the families will share a special fruit dessert, Turkish coffee and other desserts.

*Engagement \- They exchange rings. The groom gives the bride a gold ring and the bride gives the groom a silver or platinum ring for their right-hand ring fingers. They have a dinner hosted at her family's house that night for both families.

*Nishan \- Generous gifts are brought over to the bride's house from the groom and presented including gold, jewelry, clothes and shoes beautifully arranged. The bride changes her dress seven times but nowadays can change as few as one or two times.

At this time, since they are Muslim, they will meet with the imam to sign a marriage contract. They have to be in separate rooms and she has to wear a plain white dress with no adornments or jewelry to show a life that will be natural, easy and relaxed to the couple. She will be asked if she accepts Sayid but has to wait at least three times before saying yes. She can string it out longer if she wants too!

Once the contract is signed, Sayid will come in the room and kiss her. She will then go into a room and put on a dress his mother has bought her. She and Sayid will sit at an elaborately decorated table after that facing the East and sunrise. All the carefully arranged items on the table symbolize love, peace, respect, prosperity, fertility, and happiness for their union.

*Mez Al Sayed Items – There are many rituals during this part of the ceremony for the couple while sitting at a table. There are seven of each of some items that will ward away evil and other important things they will use. She said she will explain better with photos or when they come back. It is for their protection, health, prosperity and sweetness of the marriage.

*Henna Party – That evening or the next the women gather for music, dancing, dinner and henna decoration on their hands, arms, feet, legs. The mother-in-law will hand her a gold coin and piece of henna she will squeeze in her palm making a mark. During this, Sayid will celebrate with the men at a restaurant.

*Wedding Celebration – Nadia is excited and embarrassed by this part. She explained she will be picked up by Sayid and his groom party. They will hang out of car windows and walk, singing, tooting horns and being loud as possible. Once they get to the house, Sayid will meet her. She will be wearing a white wedding gown and veil. They will go to a nice hotel escorted by the bridal party.

There will be beautiful music by traditional musicians called Zaffa. The bridal party will accompany them into a large party room and they will sit on a large sofa together on a stage or raised platform. There will be music, dancing, entertainment and feasting for everyone until the early hours of the morning.

*On the 7th day of the wedding celebration, the couple will hold a party at the groom's house just for the women family, friends and bridal party. Gifts will be presented then.

After that, they are either expected to go on a honeymoon or can stay at a hotel. They have decided to stay at a hotel for that part to see family to extend their trip. She said this will be impossible in America with both their families in Tikrit. It wouldn't be the same and they have family there to do this with. Sayid agreed with her request. It will be a joyous occasion for them all. I have some research to do on Iraqi wedding gifts that are appropriate to give.

I guess they don't want to waste any time. I am glad for them, same as Penny and Desmond marrying so quickly. They planned to either have the boat captain do it or at the first port they stopped at.

Nadia is so sweet. She's not had any easy life as an adult. It's hard for her to talk about because she was taken in and questioned and tortured more than once by the Republican Guard. She wasn't violated by the guards. She came from a rich family. It was more of warning to her family, she said, that they were under suspicion and nobody was safe.

She's known Sayid since they were small children. They went to school together. She told me she used to shove him to the ground or push him because she liked him but he was so serious, like a man at such a young age. He would stand, brush himself off with dignity and ignore her.

He said it's because she was rich and he thought she was doing it to humiliate him, plus he was a boy. His response was humored. He didn't understand the ways of girls then.

Nadia has become more integrated into the local Iraqi and Persian community, giving them a broader base of friends of the same religion and culture. We still see them regularly and get invited to things they host. I love going.

They are so warm, welcoming and I admire the women's colorful dresses, henna, traditional wear depending on the type of party. Some women dress so elegantly. I am always greeted by the women with the three traditional kisses, alternating cheeks starting with the right, even women I don't know. They don't plant their lips right on each other's cheeks because their makeup includes medium to dark lipsticks to match their exotic finery.

Nadia has introduced me to many people including a lady named Nahid and her sisters. Nahid has a salon/spa with her family and now does my hair too since I also have "curly dark hair" same as they do.

Nahid wants to shave Aaron's peach fuzz hair off completely so he is bald. I balked and asked why at an appointment and said no. She said it will grow back nice and thick. I thanked her but refused. I love his fuzzy head.

Aaron is usually welcome. We always get notice if no children or babies will attend, but they usually say please bring him, especially after the women met him. A big fuss is always made over him, such a fine, healthy son, always happy and he goes to almost anyone.

He ends up with lipstick prints on his blonde head and face. I keep wipes in my bag for and find it amusing. The ladies love him.

Most if not all of the people know about the rescue and may or may not know that Jack's not the father. I don't discuss it and don't think they know Jack and I aren't married. Unwed mothers are not looked on favorably. He goes along with it when they call Aaron his son. They congratulate him heartily, patting or pounding his back and shoulders and for having a fine son first and beautiful wife.

We get questions about more babies of course. Most women say not to wait too long. I nod, depending on the age of the person advising me out of respect, or I tell the women closer to my age that I need Aaron to be a little older first.

* * *

With Sun gone and Sayid and Nadia getting married, I feel that people are moving forward with their lives already. I don't put any pressure on Jack or ask him about us. We are living together at least. Sun was curious about his intentions too since he has been open about us being together and is such a private person. She asked hypothetically why he is waiting because I didn't have the answer. In many cultures they don't wait too long.

I think it's my legal stuff, still up in the air. Who wants to be married to someone incarcerated? I had to take a big breath when that thought crosses my mind. Will I be? Or does he not want to marry again or just to me? I feel shaken at the thought of either, a little sick. I will have to steel myself for that time but maybe it's the post-rescue jitters still, the trauma Jack told me we all have or will have symptoms of.

I still feel like everything is surreal at times.

I noticed he is still getting used to being back, interacting with his Mom, handling family business he put off. He's even arranging his father's memorial. He wants it to be 10 months post-crash. I don't question why but it's scheduled for July, five months away.

No surprise, Jack wants to go back to work. St. Sebastians wants him back but the new chief of surgery said he needs time off and to call it a sabbatical. He's been through too much. He's supposed to make an appointment to come back to see the chief in September or October, but if he needs longer, that's okay. He isn't seeing a therapist like they recommended. I wonder if they will make it a requirement. It's not like he can talk about anything.

I see things in Jack's eyes. There is guilt there at times. I know he thinks about who was left behind but we had zero control over the soldiers, damn helicopter, freighter or island from hell disappearing. It's not his fault. It maybe Ben Linus and Charles Widmore's fault, but not his.

I notice he worries, not just as Jack but as a doctor. I don't like to be under the microscope and he is noticing more about me and Aaron, maybe to see if we have anything to "fix". I wondered if there is any volunteer type work he can to keep him occupied. Margo has ideas because of foundations they are involved in and will talk to him as if it were her own idea.

He monitors my anxiety and is very sensitive to that. Trigger words and conversations are avoided for my sake. Hurley already has a list of attorneys to screen and has asked him to be a part of it. I am out of the loop until there is a short-list.

No more green pills for me but for a different reason.

We still have a very active, fulfilling love life, that hasn't changed, but he is finally talking about contraception, not just careful planning around the calendar. He's talking to a woman who has never been on the pill before, the shot or anything of that nature.

He is concerned because I haven't had my period since the rescue.

That's why I don't get green pills. I don't feel different. I am somewhat regular but with all the stress, it could just be a little late. It's happened a few times and we were watchful with the calendar and careful mid-cycle.

I'm not worried about it at this point. I had my period right before we left. I told Sawyer I wasn't pregnant before I had the evidence and was right about it. Sun said she felt different by 2 weeks after her missed period with different symptoms she described.

I'm not quite 2 weeks late but have zero anything going on, not even PMS. I just need to relax, eat some ice cream or chocolate and things will right themselves. It maybe my low body fat issue again - I don't have enough.

He didn't seem opposed to a baby, only wanting to know if I am expecting. If so, he wants to put me on prenatal vitamins and a list of what I can't have items right away, set up doctor appointments, the whole nine yards. I hope he's not disappointed with a negative. I would think he would be relieved.

I am fine with Aaron for now. I want to have a baby or babies with him but have to cross a huge hurdle. If I didn't have the hurdle ahead, I would be all in once Aaron was a little bigger, maybe between one or two years old. If we had one earlier, it would be okay too, but the there is a big question mark looming for me.

Jack seems stable and like he would handle it okay, but I don't want a ring because he knocked me up. Right now, I want to focus on looking for a house for the three of us. That's my next big project, not having a baby yet.

I talked to Margo sometimes. I usually visit or meet with her. I don't like to talk about what is going on between me and Jack. That's his mother. She asked questions but doesn't seem offended by any reluctance on my part to answer. She just made interesting statements and observations.

She talked about Jack as a boy and growing up, how sensitive he was, how much pressure he was under to please his Dad, how driven he was to prove he "had what it takes." She heard Christian say that to him but he viewed Jack as his protégé and he didn't like her to baby Jack or correct him in front of their son.

She also talked about Jack's relationship with Christian. It didn't sound normal or healthy. There was no affection and he pushed him too hard, even into a career without giving Jack choices. She was sure Jack still had unresolved issues from it. I agree but don't like to discuss their family business. I think those issues are making him gun shy about being a Dad, maybe husband too after what his Dad did to his mom with cheating at the hospital. Margo knows about it.

Jack finally opened up and told me he was married once, but didn't say much about it. I already knew by then thanks to Margo, but never solicited the info from either.

He didn't ask if I ever married. I will tell him someday but feel so ashamed about doing it under an alias and escaping by crushing sleeping pills, something I did to him for a different reason.

* * *

Oh, I can't forget to mention the other good news came from Penny and Desmond! I didn't know who it was from at first. It was sent to Jack's condo and was from Portugal. I believe a crewman or friend must have posted it from home for them. Maybe it was sent in another envelope from somewhere else or a chain of places. From what I heard, they are hiding and live on a big sailboat. That's what Sayid found out word of mouth through a trusted overseas contact. The envelope had a very brief message. "J, Hope all is well! P is plus 1! Early November. Sends her love to K and A. Blue skies ahead, Brother! -D"

It was short and cryptic but enough to let us know Aaron sprinkled baby dust on Penny after all. They wasted no time on that. More new beginnings. I am thrilled for them.

They've waited so long to be together and now they will have a little family. It's too good to be true but they deserve that and more considering their separation period and what they face now. I hope they stay safe and hidden from her father, Charles Widmore. Penny has resources and there's something special about Desmond. He's got more than nine lives I think and especially after surviving the hatch explosion with nothing more than a few abrasions and complete loss of clothing. Hurley told me about.

That's another family I wish we could keep close. They are part of us with everything they did to save the six of us and all we've been through together.

Blood doesn't make a family necessarily. Love does too and I can choose and make my own since I have little left, only Dad and Aaron.

I heard Diane is still alive by some miracle but is also still against me. Sayid said she is still listed as chief witness on the criminal case that has been put on hold. I just wanted to protect her, always did. She hates me. I suspected that since I was a kid, that I was a burden and unwanted after that nasty man moved in and took my father's place as her husband. I feel angry and sad if I think about her. Then I feel a sense of loss.

* * *

We are unpacking and arranging the condominium. The guest bedroom was large enough to move the bed to the wall and put a crib on the other wall for Aaron. Jack had the place and carpets cleaned top to bottom. It's really nice. The countertops are marble and have chairs to sit at with an island in the kitchen. He has leather furniture, of course. It's the hallmark of a well-off bachelor.

The baby stuff fits into Aaron's guest bedroom. Jack spent time assembling the crib, putting up the baby monitors for the bedroom and living room for us to listen to him.

I can't beg to describe how hot Jack looked to me in old jeans, a ripped t-shirt and with tools in his hands. I watched him from the guest bed until I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't resist an afternoon delight with him. He was pleasantly surprised but was all in.

He left organizing the clothes and other items in the empty dresser to me. I lined the drawers. I couldn't help it. It's non-adhesive linger I got it in a teal blue pattern. It's not that Aaron's clothes will get splinters from the cedar dresser. I just feel better about it. All dressers were lined when I was growing up.

Jack hung a few pictures for him I bought and I made the bed with no bumper pads because of the SIDS warning. He has "sleep sacks" to wear at night instead of blankets for when he is too big to swaddle, but still has comfy, plush blankets and the bedding set for the nursery. There is a starry nightlight that projects stars on the ceiling and a musical fish tank that hangs inside his crib, firmly attached. When it's turned on, it lights softly and spins slowly, making it look like the little fish swim. It plays a lullaby and turns off after 10 minutes.

I also have an extremely comfortable rocking chair with an ottoman that rocks to hold him in. Jack does too. It will be a good place to read to him from when he gets older.

We're pretty much settled. I need to go through the kitchen and add anything I need to help me cook so we can avoid eating out and a high chair for little bug. My clothes and shoes are nicely arranged in the large walk-in closet. I have some but haven't really went on a spree. I figure I will collect them over time and they will change as my "post-baby" body does.

Jack wants me to get more party dresses for galas and events someday under the condition he gets to take me shopping. I got the chills at that. He was helping me unzip my skirt at the time in the bathroom when he told me. Even talk like that between us is dangerous in an exciting way. We have more time on our hands and more energy now so my clothes ended up in a heap with his on the bathroom floor. We christened the bathroom counter after that.

Another good thing is that I bought my first new car. It's a Volvo 2006 S40, next year's model. It is fully loaded with features, has good ratings for safety and has anchors attached to the frame for the baby seat to latch to in the back and comfortable leather seats.

I will keep the car and maybe upgrade in two years to get something bigger. I heard future models are coming out that have better gas mileage. I could have easily bought a luxury car like a Mercedes, BMW, or Lexus. That's too ostentatious to a mid-western gal like me. I'm too practical to blow money that much money on a car. Plus, I don't want my car to be targeted for theft, not that luxury cars are unusual in L.A.

Jack can't tease me about my car because he still drives that brownish, caramel colored, 1971, beat-up Ford Bronco. It's older than me, but he loves it. I don't love it for Aaron and beg him to consider another car or a second vehicle for him, third for us.

We have to use mine only for Aaron. I don't like driving his stick shift vehicle. His SUV doesn't have the safety features necessary for kids or babies. It has lap belts only, not the strap that crosses your chest. Back then, people didn't buckle their kids. Car seats weren't used consistently versus a baby in a basket on the floor. That's where I traveled in the car as an infant _years_ after his car was made. It's amazing that any of us survived our childhood without seatbelts or safetey laws.

* * *

Now that I have a car, I can go out and fulfill a promise. I had a P.I. find Clementine Philips, Sawyer's daughter. Her mother is Cassidy Phillips. I have some grainy photos of her but could swear I know her from somewhere. My gut said it's a good association if any. Sawyer asked me to look after his daughter so I plan to stop by and take some cash when Jack's out for at least a day.

I don't want to tell Jack. It's not because of any feelings for Sawyer. I love Jack. I just don't want Jack to call Sawyer a deadbeat dad or use it against him if we see him again. It's personal and if he wanted anyone else to know, he would have said it out loud. I don't know the whole story. I am guessing Cassidy and Sawyer weren't on good terms, so I hope the meeting goes okay when I drive to see them. Clementine is 2 years older than Aaron.

Between Aaron, Jack, goodbye's, congratulations and visiting the Reyes family and Margo regularly, we stay busy. Jack doesn't always come to the visits. He has lunches with other doctors and is trying to network again to get his name out there, that he's ready to work and doing well. I wish he would enjoy life some before launching his career again, while we both still can. At least we have been going on some road trips to some places he wants to show me, taking Aaron.

One trip was without Aaron to Spanish Bay at Pebble Beach Golf Course up north for Valentine's Day weekend. Grandma Margo, as she calls herself, said she'd take him, and even has a room set up for Aaron now complete with a crib.

The Spanish Bay Resort is on the Pacific Ocean but that part of the ocean is freezing. The wind that blew up from it was cold by late afternoon, but they had fire pits, lots of outdoor seating and cocktails at sunset as a man in a kilt plays the bagpipes and walks along a path at sunset with the ocean as his backdrop. It was beautiful.

People recognized and toasted us at the fire pit. The couples there were affluent and most were golfers. A few were nice enough to ask if we would have our pictures taken. We refused politely refused citing the occasion. I don't know if any random ones were taken but didn't see any yet on the grocery store magazine racks gracing their gossip rags.

It's a cozy place. The service was outstanding at the resort, restaurants, and bars. We had VIP treatment, spa time and a large suite with a fireplace. It was so romantic. He had two dozen roses in the room for me, a large arrangement, and champagne on ice and, of course, chocolate covered strawberries.

He turned some music on in the room and danced with me. Wow. Jack knows how to move with his tall, muscular body. He must have taken ballroom dancing lessons. He led and danced gracefully with me to some classic standards and sang along to a few. "The Way You Look Tonight" was my favorite.

He tossed his jacket and tie over a chair before we danced. A little chest hair was out, enough for me to run my hand over when I would gently slide it down from his right shoulder to his chest. I wanted to feel it and unbutton another button. His eyes were soft, warm, and inviting.

His hair was just a touch longer, but I still enjoyed the texture and running my fingers through it and tracing his strong jawline and lips with my fingertips and just under the back of his skull when we kissed. I bit my lip when staring at him and he stopped me by biting it himself, then tasted it. He said I tasted sweet and am intoxicating.

He was my Jack and was 100 percent present, physically, emotionally and mentally, same as I was. I reveled in his gaze, watching him admire and look at me head to toe, taking his time while I admired his face, eyes, physique. He had been jogging and doing personal training in the mornings at home. His muscles were more defined than ever, especially his upper body.

I took my time between buttons like I was opening a present I planned to enjoy a long time. I want to rush, but didn't. I wanted to relish this, the same way he does with me when we were both in this mood. It's a slow dance, a slow feast, despite our pounding hearts.

The dancing and songs were sprinkled with passionate kisses, teasing ones, ones that went up my neck to my earlobes and along my collar bone.

He made me sit on the bed for an interlude. He warned me it isn't what I might think it is. It's not that time yet, but presented me with jewelry boxes containing a beautiful diamond tennis bracelet, diamond earrings and a necklace with a heart pendant that has a diamond set in the center. I loved them. I don't have real jewelry, only costume type jewelry from the store.

I didn't have anything that luxurious for him, but had platinum cufflinks engraved with his initials "JS" and a platinum tie clip with a small heartbeat line on the far-left side, like from an EKG or monitor, engraved on it for work. On the back was engraved, "J, My Heart, My Love, K" on the back. He was happy with them. I wanted him to know I support him going back to work, even if I feel ambivalent.

He undressed me. He slowly unzipped the back of my evening gown and pulled the pins that held my hair partly up that allowed a cascade of curls to fall underneath it. He loved my new hairstyles and clothes. I loved the looks we got when dressed up together, but Jack didn't like men looking at me, same as I didn't like women staring at Jack.

It was a magical night. Sometimes it was leisurely, eliciting sighs and sweet sounds from both of us, other times it was rushed and frenzied as if we couldn't get close enough fast enough.

As I laid in his arms, skin to skin, he told me he wants to marry me, for me to be his wife, but he isn't ready yet. He doesn't want me to worry and is concerned with our friends moving forward I might have doubts about where he stands.

He said he needs to bury his father and is working through some mental baggage from the last time. He doesn't want to bring it into our relationship or affect him as a Dad.

He said he loves me. He asked me to please forgive him for not proposing sooner. What could I say to such a confession but of course?

I hope you enjoyed being with Grandma Margo. She loves you, doodle bug, but don't we all?

I love you,

Mommy


	10. Chapter 10: Eat, Love, Dream

Chapter 10: Eat, Love, Dream

Dear Aaron,

We both had our doctor appointments. Yours was shots and a checkup again, not in that order. You are doing so well, little bug! You're a roller, at least to one side so far from your tummy. You like to use the weight of your head to go to your left side and end up on your back. To me, that's good news. I was a little worried with SIDS, but you can get yourself on your back if you end up on your tummy now. You are out of that higher risk window.

You are three months (four) and weigh fourteen pounds. You need some tummy time now daily. The doctor said are perfectly healthy and well fed. You smile at everyone still and haven't changed much except a bit more blonde fuzz on your head. I hope will look like hair at some point.

Jack wants to trim it now but it's easy to brush down and fix, making it look like hair. He calls it a baby comb-over and gives me a look that makes me laugh when I do it. My favorite time to fix your hair is bath time. You love baths and peeing during them. I have to cover your little bottom half with a washcloth to avoid a fountain when you first hit the water.

I bathe you in a baby bathtub inside the bathtub. It sounds weird but works. I kneel inside of it and wash you since it's big and I'm small too. Jack joins us for bath time to watch. He waits with a bath towel to dry you off, diaper your clean bottom, feed you and then read to you in the gliding rocking chair. It's the routine we've established. You are asleep by the time the bottle is gone.

You are tucked around 8 p.m. and then we have the evening to ourselves, which is productive or lazy depending on our moods.

My doctor appointment was no surprise to me. I saw Jack's family doctor, Dr. Rick Kensington. He and Jack go way back and seemed to consult over my results with me in the room. Great. I felt like they needed to give it to me in layman terms with some of the lab acronyms they tossed around and had to remind them I was still there. Jack seemed fascinated. I think he misses practicing medicine to be excited reading a lab sheet. I know he cares though. I had a fasting blood draw two days prior to my appointment.

I need to increase my muscle to fat ratio, as I suspected. That means I have to see a nutritionist. There's a big potential problem with my potential bone density and reaching peak mass by my late 20s or early 30s, so I need to find a balance.

I know exactly where the fat is in my body and it's mostly sitting in my bra. I'm at 12%, lower than I thought. Dr. Rick said to cut back on exercise and come back monthly for testing. I am under my pre-island weight of 120 pounds, so I need to gain weight. I must have lost more with the stress, rescue and aftermath. Maybe it was the mango, water, or just water diet the last few days there.

If I sat and drank milkshakes until I reach that goal, there's calcium and fat, but loads of sugar. I know that's not realistic but it would really taste good. I have to maintain it after I gain it to keep my ratio stable and female cycles.

Jack's concerned. He had a lot of questions, as I did. His was around resumption of my cycle, fertility and how long would it take to get me back on track. This is assuming I follow instructions so I don't jeopardize my fertility long-term. The doctor said it can be a matter of months, give or take. I can get pregnant sometime after I resume ovulation and periods. I need to start a proper diet with fats and to gain weight immediately due to other complications like risk for osteoporosis and heart conditions if I don't get on top of it.

It looks like Jack has a new project since he took copious notes, got referrals for nutritionists and my next appointment is set with Dr. Rick. The doctor also suggested talking to the nutritionist about hiring a cook temporarily to make a menu with me or us and show how to add items to regular dishes to increase the healthy fat content.

Jack asked if there's a medical-grade scale that will measure body fat accurately. The doctor recommended a high-end scale but doesn't trust them yet for accuracy. He recommended an office medical grade scale. He told Jack to use the skin caliper tool that pinches my skin to gauge percentage and also a sewing tape measure to measure key parts of my body.

He gave him several copies of a graph of the female body with lines for where to measure me to start doing measurements at home weekly. I wouldn't be surprised if Jack had the skin caliper and tape measure in his home doctor kit within the next day or two and an office weight scale in the condo within the week. Project Fatten Up Kate. The emphasis is on healthy "Fat" for me. Jack has a new project now.

Dr. Kensington is also putting me on the regular pill. He said once I resume normal cycles, it will be effective in helping regulate it. He said the estrogen would help with the low body fat right now. I had normal cycles before. I'm sure it will be fine sooner than later. He gave me directions when to start them.

We also discussed stress. Wait! Let me clarify that. Jack discussed my anxiety attacks, I didn't.

Jack prescribed Clonazepam for me in Sumba. Dr. Kensington recommended the half-dose of .5 mg, not 1 mg Jack got me, so a half-pill at most. He also recommended filling it again in the States. He didn't know which pharma made the pills we got overseas or the quality.

Dr. Kensington agreed as a PRN or "as needed" medication but said if anxiety and anxiety attacks consistently happen to put me on a SSRI or "anti-depressant" like Lexapro, Zoloft or Prozac.

Hell no! I'm not depressed. They discussed pros and cons and left it at that. I told the doctor I don't want to take an anti-depressant. Dr. Kensington said it's just an option if needed if it becomes a regular issue. It will prevent those big panic attacks. In the meantime, the Clonazepam is okay but I am under no circumstances to use it if pregnant or if I suspect I am pregnant. There are bad contraindications for pregnancy including birth defects and miscarriage, especially first trimester.

He said once I am on the pill, I need to take the birth control as instructed daily. I will but only so I don't give Jack any surprises I know he isn't ready for. I don't plan on taking Clonazepam unless it's an emergency or Jack tries to force me. My definition of emergency and Jack's differ greatly.

I hate taking meds unless I just need something for a headache like Tylenol. I am glad Jack cares and is a doctor, but felt like a patient. He's supporting me, but was Dr. Jack supporting me, not my partner, boyfriend, future fiancé Jack. It's not something I can be mad at. It's his zone of comfort. The real issue is me and it's my body they were talking about.

It makes me feel weird since I rarely saw doctors growing up.

The doctor did a background history of my family. I filled it out beforehand in the waiting room. I don't have any big family history of anything that I know of except Wayne and his family are alcoholics, abusive perverts and Diane has cancer but I don't know what kind. I didn't put "perverts" on the form, just the medical information. I don't want to find out what kind of cancer she has, but Jack said we should know.

He wants me to see an OB/GYN to get screened for the cancers they look for. That means I would get mammogram and pap smear. I thought they didn't do those mammograms until you are much older. It made me uncomfortable and not just because of The Lie.

I haven't been to an OB/GYN _ever_. My Mom never took me. Nobody told me I needed to go. If I was sick, which was rare, I saw a doctor, and that's it.

We didn't have medical insurance. I might have through my Dad. I did get my broken arm taken care of at the hospital. I think he still covered me after they separated, but I still rarely was taken, not even for a fever. No records. No proof. The same went for Diane.

When I was a kid, Tommy and I were climbing an old swing set to the top bar. It was on his property. We liked to climb there and hang upside down for fun until our faces were red. It was a contest to see who could last the longest. We were maybe 8 or so. It was summertime. I had shorts and a t-shirt on. I tried to pull my body over the top bar to straddle it, then get both legs over while balancing.

When I was pulling myself up, I had my belly on the bar and my grip slipped. My hands were probably sweaty. I fell and a rusty screw ripped a big gash from my belly up my ribs and I was bleeding a lot. He was scared and ran to get his Mom. It hurt but I tried not to cry. His Mom used a wet cloth to dab it and took me home. It was a weekday morning so my Mom was off of work. She saw it and put me on the bed, pacing and debating what to do.

I remember Wayne's voice and their arguing while the long gash bled. I was laying in my bed and listening. Mom had left me with a clean dish towel. Instead of an exam or stitches, she washed it off. I don't know how the bleeding stopped, just that the dried blood got wiped and a damp towel was put over it so it didn't stick. I wasn't taken in for a tetanus shot either. I would have remembered that. I just remember trying not to cry. It hurt. I think Mom wanted to take me to the doctor but it didn't happen.

In hindsight, I think how risky and stupid that was. I could have ended up with tetanus, lockjaw and a bad infection. The family doctor could have looked at it. I still have a path of flesh toned scars that look like a sporadic, broken line down my right side. It's barely noticeable but I can see it starting on my ribcage.

I will never do that with my doodle bug. I won't go to the doctor for every tiny scratch, but he will get treatment he needs, checkups and I will keep him healthy even if I didn't have money and insurance. I would find a way to pay for it in installments if I had to. We are blessed though. He has a great pediatrician and another doctor at home.

Speaking of home, the condo is way too close to the hospital for Jack to put it out of mind. He's already formulated his own plan to go back to work, even though he doesn't have to. He's supposed to see the chief of surgery in September or October. He made a September appointment, no surprise. If he can get in a three-month program designed to reinstate physicians and surgeons on sabbatical or leaves, he can be doing consults and start practicing by early 2006. The program starts again in October.

He said he's lucky. He's been gone less than a year and can maintain his medical license so he doesn't have to see the board. It's an internal program to help him "dust off" his medical coat and be re-integrated and approved by his superiors and the administrative staff.

There are only a few hospitals in the country that offer internal programs to their own doctors like this. His eyes lit up when he talked about it. I'm glad for him to have a goal and something he feels passionate about. He doesn't have to work but it obviously is something he enjoyed.

I still haven't brought up my concerns about him working too much for us to be a family. It was an issue with his previous marriage and he said he has some control over it.

I feel like it would be putting the cart before the horse to talk about now. He hasn't shown that he would work long hours or not be there. He's been the opposite with his accompanying me or Aaron to doctor appointments, most social occasions with me, family time and alone time for us. I can't complain.

I'm enjoying him and a family life together. The privacy is the best. It's lucky we got used to being around each other 24x7 on the island. Some people date then can't stand being around each other 24x7.

We each do our own thing sometimes. He works out. I do but not as much right now. I meet with a nutritionist. I go see Carmen. He doesn't unless Hugo and David are there to hang out with. He doesn't go with me to see Nahid for my hair appointments either.

He has a barbershop he's gone to since he was a kid and plans to take Aaron there when he's older. We'll see. Nahid already has claimed Aaron's first locks but I don't want to take away the male bonding of the first haircut with Jack as Aaron's surrogate Dad. My deep hope is he will adopt him when we marry.

But, you know how I feel about hoping and wanting something. I don't want to be crushed if my expectations aren't met.

* * *

The chef comes to the house now to teach us how to cook meals we like and already know how to cook and add ingredients to fulfill my nutritional needs. His name is Franc with the "c" at the end. He told me right away. I smiled. I guess it's important to him. He's not French. He's very animated and makes cooking fun for me. He should have a t.v show. I mean it. I told him that and not to just flatter him. He was flattered anyways and said this was the right city for it and sighed dreamily. Maybe that's his deep hope or dream. He will teach us or me how to prepare meals that are easy to prepare that are not on our list and items to make for Aaron for when he starts trying solid food in a few months. He said baby food is easy to make.

He does extra for us now with the rapport we built quickly. Jack doesn't mind for once. Franc isn't interested in me that way. He has a partner but doesn't say anything unless I ask him. He thinks Jack's "a tall, cool drink of water" and whispered it to me when Jack was out of room. He told him he knows Jack's mine and said I'm lucky. He sighed at that and said "What a waste." It made me giggle. Franc's right though. Jack _is_ a tall, cool drink of water and more.

I don't mind our chats as long as I'm learning, which I am, and we get our work done correctly, meaning me, and ready to serve on time. It's made me look forward to the lessons and the condo smells delicious by the time Franc leaves. He's worth every penny and more.

Speaking of meals, we are going over to the Reyes family's house. It's the largest to convene at and most comfortable. It makes me want to get a house even more to host them someday. Sayid and Nadia will be back. It's not a party so much as a low-key "welcome back" dinner.

The newlyweds will have a party here to celebrate with us and their other friends for the wedding. I am looking forward to both gatherings! I missed them both. I missed Nadia. I haven't known her for long but would like to know her better. She indicated that she and Sayid will start a family right away if possible due to age. She is 38 years-old, same as Sayid, and they don't have time to lose. They won't wait too long before going to a doctor, maybe in 6 months if she isn't pregnant by then. She hopes it works out the natural way.

If it was me, if I couldn't get pregnant, I would go with Jack to the doctor to have at least one child with him, but I am open to adoption too. There are a lot of babies and kids that need good homes in America. Also, thanks to my doodle bug, I found out I love being a Mom and look forward to each month and stage.

I already ordered a gift through a contact from Nahid for Sayid and Nadia. It's a customized "Name Canvas" of Islamic calligraphy that's personalized with their names. It's meant to last a lifetime, same as their marriage. Nahid said it's a beautiful choice. Even if they receive another, they can put them in different rooms because each design is unique. I really like Nahid. She's another straight shooter like Sun and cuts right to the chase.

Nahid said it's all about what you _don't give_ versus what you give when choosing for a Muslim couple. There are a lot of restrictions in the religion that forbid some typical gifts Americans gifts. She seems pleased when I ask her questions, like advice about the gift. I also want to know about her and her family, food, kids, growing up and more.

I have a need inside of me to know about people I like or care about. There's no motive behind except understanding them better and finding ways we are similar. There's always some golden threads I find, some similarities, that tie me to a person, no matter how different they seem. It's a treasure hunt in a way and after the crash, I started to figure out it's something I enjoy starting with Sun. God I miss her.

She's doing fine. She settled in Korea. The baby is fine too. She had welcome back parties from friends of family and her family hosted one as well. They were formal and nothing like our gatherings. There is no giggling and attempt to throw girlfriends in pools. Men and women don't interact as much unless they are married or engaged in her social circle. It would make the woman look less appealing as a future wife to be speaking to married and unmarried men. She said there are too many rules but she wants Ji Yeon to know where her roots are.

Her mother has been very supportive. It has breathed new life into Mrs. Paik, who lived to serve her father, to now have a granddaughter coming. Sun doesn't mind it's a girl. She thinks her father wanted a grandson, which makes her more thrilled it's a girl.

She has a big bone to pick with him. Let's just say I wouldn't bet against Sun. She's full of surprises.

Sun also resumed her friendship with Jin's adoptive Dad, Mr. Kwon, a humble fisherman. She spoke to him and retired him out. He refused at first, but she offered a compromise for him and also said it is her filial duty to care for him as his daughter-in-law. Jin would agree. He was so sad to hear about Jin.

Mr. Kwon couldn't disagree because it is tradition, something he respects along with her high rank in society. He accepted her idea to own boats to rent to other fishermen as a small business owner and a nice, small home near the water she purchased for him to retire in. She hired a cook and maid to care for him for life. They will report to her weekly about his well-being as her employees. Mostly, she said, it's to intimidate them into doing well by him and show Mr. Kwon proper respect. If not, they will be fired.

Her family alone is enough to intimidate them to serve him well, but she wants to know how he's doing when she can't see him. She knows he will never come to see her despite any invitations.

Sun insisted no heavy manual labor unless Mr. Kwon wants to fish with a pole for fun. She wanted to pay for him to have assistants to maintain the boats. He said he can pay for them out of the business but she will follow up to make sure he has others doing the work and deposited funds for his business to pay employees and separate for his personal use.

She wants him to know his granddaughter Ji Yeon and to live a long life, comfortable. She wasn't ashamed of Jin's humble beginnings. Jin hid it. Mr. Kwon is a good person that raised a good son. He accepted her filial gifts, not just because of tradition but because he loves her and is proud of her. He calls her daughter, something that pleases her.

She can't tell her Mr. Kwon about Jin's fishing and bravery keeping them alive because of The Lie. He didn't survive the crash according to it. She said she wanted to tell him. She hoped that Jin would be pleased with what she has done. Jin told her father, Mr. Paik, his parents were dead when he asked for her hand, so it would be beneath Mr. Paik to acknowledge Mr. Kwon since the newspapers reported the same thing in their marriage announcement.

I am glad she is staying occupied and doing well. She isn't bed-ridden and still has a private plan in the works.

* * *

Jack is looking at galas and charity events for us to go to. He wants to network with his colleagues this year to keep his name out there. That meant I have to dress up big time and he wants to help choose them, as if I can't. This means I won't be able to surprise him. I don't think it's controlling as much as his version of eye candy.

The first one we will be attending is a month away. He wanted me to get my dress now in case I needed alterations later. If any, they would be to accommodate slightly more of me, but not much. I don't have to gain much more weight. What I have needs to be a different percentage mix. I hope it works out that way. I think the pill helped already because my bra is filled out, so much I may need to move a size up. I hoped that would count towards my fat ratio.

We went to nice stores specializing in dresses for galas and events. These are not wedding type stores with a side rack of prom dresses and dress-up dresses for women, weddings or not. These are stores that glitter from the time you walk in. There is rack after rack of color, glitter, sequins, stones, taffeta, lace, deep necklines, sleeves, sleeveless, no straps and more.

I was a bit overwhelmed visually. He insisted I bring high heels for the fit but wanted me to get new shoes just for the dress. If I liked more than one, I am supposed to get the second for the next event. I will settle for one "eye scorcher" today but don't like anything overdone or trashy looking.

I get a dedicated saleswoman. I think she is the manager. She's maybe in her early 50s, I can't tell, and has a practiced eye. We stood together as I tried not to show interest in anything yet. The stuff around me was _not_ my taste. I don't care if it is stylish in L.A. or not.

Jack held my hand. She smiled, introducing herself as Susan and got our names. She asked the occasion we were shopping for. Jack told her it's a charity gala. She glanced us over and I can tell she is assessing us to figure out what kind. Jack is wearing a suit with no tie and I am wearing a nice skirt, heels and silk dress shirt with no sleeves. She smiled widely and has me come to the mirrors where there are leather recliners.

She asked my taste. I told her what I don't want and she asked me to be a little open minded. I might be surprised because I would look good in many styles.

She glanced at Jack. He looked eager to speak. I colored when I saw his face, not expecting him to look so enthused. I asked what he thought because he obviously had words ready to burst forth.

He wanted a full-length gown, to show my back, no sleeves, my hair partially swept up to show my back, and it to be timeless and elegant. It could be something a silver screen siren might wear. He wants something that compliments my eyes, hair and skin, maybe jewel tones with my green eyes that have the smallest flecks of hazel that can only be seen up close in the right light.

Wow. I could tell he had been thinking about it and may have had something in mind already. She said she would pull some dresses after measurements. They may not be identical to a "T" to his description but a combination of what we like and I would be a head-turner in a lot of things. Jack smiled with his happy Jack face and leaned back, putting his ankle over one knee and hands behind his neck, ready for the show to begin.

I had to stand on the block facing the tall mirrors that surrounded it at an angle as she measured my arms, bust, ribcage, waist, hips, bottom and had me put my legs together and measured the circumference. She complimented me on my figure.

I said thanks while imagining what monstrosities were coming my way. I had only seen garish colors and things I would never wear so far. She went to the far side of the store, away from the front, and looked through some racks of dresses. They were in clear dress bags. I turned and looked at Jack, putting my hands on my hips. He smiled, amused and challenged me. "Scared?"

I don't back down from words like that. I said no. Bring it on. She came back with bags that sparkled. They were more muted than what I had seen before. She shooed me into a large dressing room in the back and had me strip in front of her to my underwear and bra so she could put on the dress. She said she had one in mind she wanted me to try first. It was unzipped and I had to step into it. Once she zipped it partway up she told me to lose the bra. I didn't need the support.

She zipped and hooked it, then spun me around to take a look. It took a few seconds for me to take it in. It was breathtaking. It was sleeveless with a small dip right where my cleavage was but didn't show it unless I bent over. The top looked folded in a layer and had no seam line. The top of the dress dipped behind me, exposing my back to the waist. The front of the dress had hidden stays in the sides and front to keep it up. It was floor length, the shape of an upside-down lily, a shape I liked.

The top to the waist and slightly below had condensed detail that glittered. The top layer of fabric was sheer but appeared like it had gold, silver and green sequins that gathered a little in the front at my waist. There were small golden leaves sewn on that stuck out a tiny bit. It gave the impression of jewels and sequins from a yard away. The small pieces of pale green didn't detract from the gold and was more clustered near the top of my dress and along the edges of the top, then dispersed more and more until the bottom where it was only the gold and silver sheer material over the sheath. The leaves were dispersed past my waist and stopped by the time it reached my knees. The sheath under it was silk and the same deceptive color as the sheer. It looked gold, silver, platinum, bronze, green or all of the above depending on the lighting. It brought out my eye, hair and skin color.

My hair was already curled and pinned up. She rearranged it a bit, pulling a few curls down to show what it might look like. She stood back with a smile and said it's perfect. She may need to alter the length slightly to bring it up. The true test was walking and seeing if the top stays up without my arms being pinned at my sides. She could fix that too. She also had an evening wrap for my shoulders, a sheer one of the same material that matched it with the leaves and color. She asked me what I thought. I was speechless so far.

I looked at her and beamed, saying it was lovely, but the true test was Jack's reaction. I felt mischievous, knowing what it would be. He would want to peel me out of it if it's what he wanted, but I wasn't going to fool around in her dressing room.

I took a deep breath. It was snug but not too tight. I raised my arms too and nothing popped out. So far so good.

Now the litmus test.

I called out for Jack to close his eyes. I peeked out to be sure and she went out to see his reaction and to arrange it once I was on the stand, then backed off. I said, okay, and waited to see his face.

There are few times I've seen Jack Shephard absolutely speechless. This was one of them.

His mouth was partly open and eyes took in every detail. He had leaned forward, elbows on knees, hands on both sides of his mouth touching his cheeks. I turned around slowly for him and looked over my shoulder, dimpling, giving him "the look" I saved only for Jack.

He stood and stepped closer to gaze at me, then at the sales woman. "Done." He said and gave her his black AMEX. He asked if we could take it home. She smiled, catching his look and said it needed tailoring. Jack said it was a month away. She said bring it back at least seven to ten days prior to take up the hem and make any final adjustments. She would help me undress and bag it. I saw Jack's face fall at that. I knew he wanted to take it off of me there. I reminded her to add the evening wrap.

We were out of there in record time and on our way home. I reminded him I didn't have shoes for the dress and he said it didn't matter. We could get them later. He wanted me to put it on at home. I gave a half smile, biting my lip, looking at his tense body as he tried not to speed and restrain himself at the same time.

Aaron was with his Abuela Carmen and we had a few hours until we needed to be at her house. If he was in a rush, I wanted to make sure that he or I hung it carefully and it didn't end up in a floor pile like our other clothes did when we undressed each other urgently.

He paid $1,600 plus tax for the shiny dress without even looking at other options or the receipt.

* * *

We arrived at the Reyes' home after Sayid and Nadia. We were a little breathless and flushed. We were running behind. I had to fix my hair the way it was before we left to reduce Carmen's comments, not that it would help. Carmen has an eagle eye.

It was so good to see our friends. We hugged them and I traditionally kissed both. They were glowing. Jack asked Sayid how it felt to be married and he said it's the best feeling in the world. He clasped Jack's arm in a friendly manner and said he highly recommends it. I told Nadia I wanted to hear about it but are they rested enough? When did they get in?

They had just arrived and didn't have time to fill in anyone yet. We made it into the living room. Carmen came in with my little bug, more like a little pumpkin now that he's getting bigger. He recognized me and Jack from across the room and went nuts, smiling and talking. He was making baby noises but now was including sounds that has had a "j" and also a "k' sound. I thought it was too coincidental but his pediatrician said that was normal for all babies to start with those letters as they start to articulate around 3 to 4 months.

Jack went over and picked him up, asking if he was fed. Carmen said yes but looked at him, then me. She was suspicious and asked why we were out of breath and running behind. I pinked up. So did Jack. She started laughing and said no, don't tell her. It's okay. As long as she gets more babies like Aaron to play with.

I looked at Nadia with a raised eyebrow. She should be the next bearer of that gift for Carmen. She shook her head slightly to communicate not yet. I know they were already working on it though.

We were caught up on some highlights of their ceremony. All went as planned. Their families were thrilled to have them both married finally and to each other. They received wedding gifts but also gave generous cash gifts to their parents. The family homes were mainly together for each or side-by-side with the generations and patriarchal. It wasn't tradition for groom and bride to give, but they wanted to share and increase their standard of living if possible. Nadia's family had been well off but the Gulf War and aftermath had changed things in Iraq and Tikrit.

Nadia promised more stories and information. Sayid would print from home photos they and their family had taken she would put them in an album. She reaffirmed her promise to show me the steps they took and show me their family members. I was looking forward to it.

I told her Nahid sends her blessings and greetings then my eyes got big. I had to send Jack to the car to get their gift. I forgot to check if the Reyes family had one for them too. Jack had a tendency to make me forget everything, even with one kiss, much less the ravishing that I received after my dress was removed and hung as I requested.

The name canvas gift was more like a work of art and framed in window box style. The background was a beautiful, rich red. The lettering and calligraphy was in gold, engraved and mounted above the red fabric making it 3-dimensional. Their names were prominent at the bottom, "Sayid and Nadia." Above it was a mass of calligraphy in a design I can't describe. It wasn't quite round, but was a lovely design with swirls and loops and lines of different thickness and round areas. It was a piece of art except the design had words and meaning. Above it was a line of Arabic calligraphy in gold. The frame was thick, white wood, window box style with non-glare glass. It was large, heavy and sat in a gift box lined in red velvet, top and bottom, cushioned with foam to protect it and satin to cover it before closing the lid.

They had no clue what it was in the box. Jack handed it to them both. I said I hoped they liked it. We wanted to give them something traditional. They looked at each other quizzically, then Nadia untied the bow and lifted the lid. She covered her mouth with tears in her eyes. Sayid was touched, his eyes damp and pressed his lips and hands together for a moment before giving us a smile of gratitude. They thanked us and we hugged and kissed again. Nadia knew exactly where to hang it. She said they didn't have one yet and it means so much.

I will ask Nadia in secret what the calligraphy in the middle means someday when we are alone. Nahid assured me it was beautiful poetry but her written Arabic wasn't so good, unlike Sayid and Nadia who had it as a first language in Iraq.

I wish we had traditions like that, symbolizing marriage for life in addition to the rings, but enjoy learning about theirs instead. I decided we can create our own traditions since I have none to hand down to Aaron.

The dinner was fun and full of stories of Tikrit and their families. They didn't miss much here except Jack's plan and goal to practice medicine by early next year.

We didn't mention any of my medical results to anyone. I warned Jack not to tell Carmen I needed to gain weight. She would force feed me with a shovel.

When I told Sun about the medical results, she chided me to follow instructions. She has over three months to go before her due date. She didn't want me to end up not being able to have babies or have brittle bones and scolded me for not going earlier. I let her. She hasn't been one to cry over the phone with hormones. She is more like a tiger. I had told her my desire to find a house soon, something she encouraged. I wanted a big enough yard for things including a garden for flowers and food plants because of her and will call it Sun's Garden. She did get a little choked up but didn't cry. She said when I did, she can email a list of some zone appropriate plants for me if I want. I told her I would love that if she had time.

The men convened again outside but Sayid drank no beer this time. There was no alcohol in Tikrit since it was forbidden. It wasn't that he didn't drink beer, but he had been observant when he was there and wasn't ready. He did smoke a Cuban though with Jack, David and even Hurley. I think Hurley just puffs them though.

That left me, Carmen, Nadia and Aaron inside. Aaron eats more now per bottle and sleeps longer at night, sometimes all the way through. He was wide awake, making noises to Nadia and examining her hair. I hoped he would sprinkle baby dust on her too, same as Penny.

Carmen asked me how dress shopping was. I said fine. She asked what does fine mean? How many dresses did I try on? I told her only one, turning pink again.

She asked if we bought it. I said yes. She frowned and said what else did we buy? I would have frozen or shut down anyone else, but she is Ma Carmen. I am compelled usually to answer because there's no malice, only love and interest.

I said we bought nothing else, turning red.

For my benefit, she recounts I went dress shopping all afternoon with my Dr. Jack, bought one dress, nothing else, and hours later was late to dinner. We were maybe 10 minutes late at the most. I even called, but she didn't say that.

She appeared to calculate the time with her fingers and looked at me hard, commenting it must have been a very, very fun afternoon. Nadia started laughing, which got me going and Aaron laughed and cooed too. It made us laugh harder. I told Carmen. Yes. Yes, it was. Thank you for watching Aaron.

She seemed satisfied and said she will watch him anytime and to take my time too. She winked at me before asking Nadia when she was planning to have a baby. Carmen was relentless, but fun.

The party ended earlier than normal. Sayid and Nadia were still jet-lagged and we had to get Aaron home. I would be back with Aaron and maybe Jack soon. Carmen reminded us again about Hurley's birthday party in June. It was scheduled for June 11th and she didn't want any of us to miss it. It was a surprise party.

* * *

I was quiet on the way home. Jack was driving and took my hand, kissed it and asked a penny for my thoughts. I told him he would need more than one penny. He asked if I wanted to talk at home and I said yes, but don't worry. We got sleepy Aaron upstairs and to bed without his bath this time. He wasn't dirty and could take one the next day. He had his bottle, drank it all, and was out quickly.

I hung the dress inside the bag and put it in the closet to protect it and the gorgeous leaves that were sewn on. I felt like a princess in it. I don't ever recall having that feeling in the past. I just needed a crown.

I went to unzip my skirt and felt large hand behind me in the closet and his breath on my neck. I smiled and stopped because he took over, told me to turn around and slowly unbuttoned my blouse. Before he took it off, he offered to talk now or later. I sighed.

My body said don't talk. My mind said talk now because he would make me forget. It was a little angel and a little devil, one on each shoulder.

I stripped down to my panties only and took his dress shirt off of him. I put it on without buttoning it. He was in his typical boxers, which hung exactly where I liked them showing the v-line. I sighed again, or at least my body did, and gestured with one hand to the large lounge chair in his room. He sat on it and held his arms out. We've done this before. I sat on his lap, my head on the tall, soft arm rest on his left side and looked at him with my legs draped over the other arm rest. His hand rested on my thighs, the other played with my long hair. He liked that.

He asked me if I was happy living with him? I smiled, played with one of his shirt buttons on my chest and looked up and said yes. I reached back and pulled three pins out of my hair to be more comfortable and let my hair hang over the arm rest like a waterfall of dark, shiny curls. His hand stroked them softly. He looked at my body and me, enjoying the view and my face. His eyes settled there and his brows came together a little with a look of concern and love. He told me to talk.

I said he doesn't have answer everything tonight but I had a few things to take care of and wanted his input. A few were big and he needs to think about what he wants or doesn't want. I won't be hurt or offended based on our current relationship status. I understand what he's going through and am okay what he told me on Valentine's Day, that he needs time. I just need to take care of some business.

His eyes looked concerned, pupils dilated and I noted a frisson of fear in them, before he hid it. I told him I'm not leaving or anything. I am holding to his promise that he's mine and will officially be later, so if his brain tells him otherwise, tell it to shut up. I kissed him briefly and he relaxed a little. I laid back, looked up and sighed.

The smaller things are legal. I said I need to do Power of Attorney for my estate, Power of Attorney for my medical for me and guardianship for Aaron as soon as possible if something happens to me. Nothing is guaranteed. Today isn't. Tomorrow isn't either. We know that firsthand from the island. I need to make sure Aaron is taken care of by someone who loves him, that someone that has his back. I want him to consider these items, if he's willing to take on none, part of them, or all three and I need to know soon. If Aaron is too much for him to take care of alone, I need to know. I have to think future too. Longer-term.

I don't know what my future holds.

If he can do short-term with Aaron but not long-term, that's another option. If not at all, I need to confirm other options among our friends. I told him to not feel ashamed. I am glad he is pursuing work. His eyes light up when he speaks about it and I know he has a passion for it. It's the most excited I've seen him about something outside of home. It's a priority to him and I'm supportive of his goals and dreams.

It might be too hard to be a single dad if I "go away" for a short or long time and he needs to work to be happy. A tear crept out of my eye, then another and another, a slow drip. I wiped them with his sleeve that I rolled up.

I wasn't anxious or picturing bad things. It was hearing the words out loud and telling them to the man I love. I am giving him an out for things that are important to me, things I want to share with him including Aaron, but not if he doesn't want to. I would love him still. That part wouldn't change, but our paths would diverge at some point.

I didn't add that if we were married I wouldn't have to ask him this. He would already be able to take POA of me and could file for guardianship for Aaron as my husband if I died. He probably knows that. I won't lay that on his shoulders, the man who feels responsible for everything and everyone.

I won't be another burden to him. I want to be a free choice, one of pleasure and love. Aaron's a part of that package.

He took a deep breath and looked in my eyes. He didn't know what to say. I told him don't answer me. Think on it. Let's talk another time but I need to know these things to give me peace of mind on what will happen along with Will and Estate planning. It's been eating away at me.

Hurley's attorney is ready to do it. I just don't know what to tell him. I will love him regardless of his answer and I respect he's working through things personally and also planning to go to work if that's what he wants.

I added that I wanted to house hunt. We need a bigger place and I want a home with a yard, a fire pit, maybe a pool, a garden so I could plant things like Sun and I did, playmates for Aaron, good schools, other moms to learn from, and little parks for him play in with his friends. I want a house but I want him in the house with us as a family.

That's my priority. That's my dream. It's to have our little family under one roof. But we need to start planning. Now is a good time to look before schools get out. There is less to look at in summertime with people moving. It's something I want for us, something I never had; a stable home, nice things, household appliances that work all the time including the stove and fridge, a place I could invite family and friends. We could host parties and meals. He doesn't have to be the husband. He can be the boyfriend or partner until he's ready. I just want him there.

My brain wouldn't stop. A barrier dissipated inside of me and confessed to him for the first time that growing up I never had friends over. Not even one. I was too ashamed and afraid to. Wayne was drunk always when he wasn't working and I didn't trust his behavior whether mom was home or not. He wouldn't stop hitting us if there was anyone around. He would beat either of us in the yard or house. He didn't care what anyone thought.

I was playing with Tommy's sister's metal baton one day trying to balance it and he came out, beat me with it and broke it because I didn't hear him call me inside. He didn't. I was by the front porch. His brother was chief of police and the mayor was his brother-in-law.

I don't have to live like that anymore. I could have all the things I wanted growing up now. A safe, pretty home that people can gather at. A real family that loves each other.

The tears still fell stemming from somewhere deep inside of me. Then I found out why.

There was a small, 8-year-old Kate in my body that was confessing to him what she wanted more than anything. I felt her sorrow. I wanted to put my arms around her and say I got you, little girl. Things will be good now. I'll protect you. I didn't tell Jack that though. I was silent. I was silent because I need a home like that and never had one. Even my tears were silent. No sobs or deep breaths. Just release.

I didn't realize as I gazed introspectively that I wasn't watching his face anymore. I was looking at his buttons, playing with them as they lay along my torso. I saw a damp spot, then another. I frowned, distracted and looked at him. He had tears too. I made him sad. It hurt that I made him upset.

I wiped his tears with both sleeves and told him I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt him. I'm so sorry. He grabbed my wrists gently, then scooped me up and put me on the bed so softly I didn't feel it rebound. I just sank into it. He laid beside me and kissed my eyes and cheeks, then wiped them.

He said he was sorry. I shouldn't be. I've been so supportive of him and not complaining about his hesitation, why he can't propose yet, why is he so excited about getting reinstated but dragging his feet with us. He had more tears.

He said he forgot to ask me my dreams and what I wanted most. I deserved that house. I deserved everything I wanted and haven't asked for hardly anything. It's so little to ask while our island friends around us are marrying and having babies before us.

I tried to silence him. I said I know and it's okay. He stopped me. He said let's go house hunting for whatever I want as soon as I want. Tomorrow even. He can't give me everything today but we can start with that. He promised to think then talk to me about all of the legal stuff in a few days. Would that be okay?

I nodded. I couldn't talk anymore. I felt like I said enough for the night. I didn't know what to do at the moment or if I killed the mood. I sat up to kneel and take off his shirt to snuggle with him. I tossed it on the chair and went to lay on his chest.

He stopped me, sat cross-legged on the bed and had me sit on his lap facing him. I had to put my legs behind his back to do that and put my small arms around his neck. I thought he was going to speak or embrace me, but he was done with words too.

He kissed me tenderly, then more roughly, crushing my lips, which had instantly parted for him to meet, to taste, to pull each other in. My hands felt his hair, something I loved to do, and then I gripped it harder than usual between my fingers, causing him to respond more aggressively.

His body was telling me I was his and he wanted all of my pleasure that night.

In the early hours of the morning, as I drifted off in his sleepy embrace, a word drifted through my mind. Addictive. I don't know if I will ever be able to get enough of Jack Shephard. We would need several lifetimes and more together. Even then, that may not be enough for me.

Little bug, I am so happy we are going to find a house for us, for you to grow up in and always want to come back to!

I love you!

Mommy


	11. Chapter 11: Take Care of My Girl

Dear Aaron,

My little man, you are starting to change so much! You are 4 months now (5). You have really filled out and are Mr. Chatterbox now and definitely Mommy's boy. You love Jack, but reach for me if you see me. I love it but see Jack's face. I think he takes your choice too seriously. I bet he did the same with his Mommy. I read that it's a stage in the baby book I'm reading. Your pediatrician confirmed it at your checkup, that there is a pendulum of preference between Mom and Dad that goes back and forth with babies, toddlers and kids. Jack was appeased when he heard it. I guess he is a little attached to you! Who isn't?

You just started to like peek-a-boo when I use my hands or block my face with a blanket. You also are holding things in your hand and examining them before they go right into your mouth. I bought some soft, rubbery ABC blocks a woman recommended from a retail store. I can squeeze them and they whistle. They are made for babies to chew on. You are starting to drool. I put a bib on you when it gets bad. The doctor said it might be the beginning of teething, but could take a few months for the first one to pop out.

You can't sit up yet but can kind of sit up when I put you on a Boppy pillow and a toy in front of you. I have to move your legs into a "v" so you can balance. It's works as long as you don't lean back. You seem to do best if we both have our legs in a "v" and you are between my or Jack's legs on the floor with a toy in front of you. You notice things and recognize certain shaped toys that are brightly colored. You are right on track as an advanced 4 (5) month old. I just have to watch what you put in your mouth.

I think about babyproofing for the future, but we can do that in the new house, even hire someone to do if Jack doesn't want to take out the tool belt and show me how skilled he is again. I'll have to remind him how much I enjoyed watching him assemble your crib. He definitely enjoyed my version of appreciation for his hard work.

We are on a road trip, same as Jack, but headed the opposite way, south to fulfill a promise. It's for Sawyer. It's been busy but I found time to get out without alerting Jack. I don't want to hide anything from him. It's not a bad thing, just not my secret to share and I don't want it brought up if they see each other again and argue. I was asked a favor by Sawyer before he helped save me, then I saved you along with Sun, Frank, Jack then Penny. I am going to do it. That little girl deserves to know when she's older that her Daddy's last thoughts were of her if he's permanently gone. I lost my Dad at age five due to divorce and saw him much less since he didn't come home to us. It changed my life. I saw less of him and still consider him to be the most stable, loving parent, even though Diane had an affair with that monster that took his place. I didn't want him to be the father so I will call Sam my Dad for the rest of my life.

You are the best road companion. I can see you in the baby mirror I have mounted to the headrest in the back. You seem happy in your car seat and are gumming on fingers and your fist. You love Patsy Cline, one of my Dad's favorites and, consequently, mine. Listening to her reminds me of the road trips to and from the woods I took with your Grandpa Sam. Those are the best memories of my childhood. I hope you like it because she's a great singer, or maybe because it will make you think of me someday when you listen.

I enjoy singing to you, especially "Sweet Dreams" and "Crazy." At night, I sing "Catch a Falling Star" to you because that's what Mommy Claire did. I catch Jack listening because I don't usually sing for anyone. It must have held personal meaning to her. Maybe someone sang it to her as a child.

We pulled into a driveway of modest, well-kept home. The front yard was landscaped in stone mainly, understandable with the climate here. It's too expensive to maintain grass in some parts of the country for people, especially if they have mandatory water restrictions certain times of the year.

You were all grins for Mommy. I asked if you had a good sleep as I took you out of your car seat. I brought your soft blanket for you to have tummy time or lay on while I talk to Cassidy. I sang part of "Catch a Falling Star" while walking to the door. It felt good to get this done. I had no idea what I was going to face, but Mommy's handled tougher situations and come through them, many you will never know about. I'm not going to defend Sawyer to her, but he was thinking of Clementine and his friends in the helicopter including me before he took that dangerous plunge. I just want to give the message, go home and finish our Mommy and Aaron weekend before Jack returns.

I rang the bell and said hi. I knew her face for certain. Cassidy was the woman from my days on the road, the one I helped with her fake necklace scam when my car was broken down years ago. I was when I was just starting to run from the law. She helped me check if the feds were tracking Diane by approaching her trailer in a wig for me. They surrounded her but let her go. She also spotted them in the diner later on.

Cassidy spilled stuff on Diane so she'd have to go in the bathroom and cleanup. I had climbed in the window and hid in a stall. I just wanted a few minutes with Diane. She didn't want to talk to me, her own daughter. After all Wayne had done to her, to me, she still chose Wayne. She said she'd call for help next time I showed up. I spent years of my life including 6 adult years staying around making sure he didn't end up beating her to death. It was that bad in the end.

Diane was a crap mother to me when she told my Dad to move out and let him move in. I will never do that to you, but Jack isn't that kind of man, abusive, mean, and an alcoholic. I won't let anyone scare or hurt you or us both.

I want a safe and peaceful home, a haven. I can't ever be with someone like that. Diane said "the heart wants what it wants." I'm not stupid. Her priorities were screwed up. Let's just say I learned the hard way that a good parent doesn't expose their kids to that.

Cassidy was surprised to see us. She laughed and said "Oh my God!" She hugged us both, surprising you because you couldn't see her. You turned to look at her and gave her that toothless, Aaron smile I love. I said hi to Cassidy. She said she saw me on the news and told all of her friends she knew me. She kissed me and said hi to you. I introduced you, little man.

She looked at me with surprise and said I survived a plane crash. That's obvious. Everyone knows that but I nodded. Maybe she's still stunned I showed up. She didn't think she'd see me again and asked why I was there.

Here it comes. . . I had to answer her but kept calm, ready for any reaction. I told her Sawyer sent me. Cassidy's smile disappeared. She invited us in anyhow. Maybe she's curious enough to hear the story. Maybe it was because of our past.

We went to her kitchen. I held you and bounced you. She offered the playpen. I set you in it for a time to talk. I took out some rattles and put your blanket down in the playpen. I had to place the rattle in your hand, then others above your head and beside you in an arch so you had things to look at and grab when you inevitably rolled over to your left. You can get to your tummy now, clever boy.

I talked with Cassidy first. I don't know why I broke the rule and told her about the lie except she is an ex-con and I trust she won't tell anyone after what she and I did for each other. I had to tell her so I could explain how I knew him. I told her the media, nobody knows this and can't be told but the island we left was a different one, a crazy one already inhabited. There were more survivors. I gave her the Cliff Notes.

It was a crazy story nobody would believe. The island disappeared into thin air when we tried to escape it on a helicopter that ran out of gas and crashed. After that, we were rescued. We had to lie about everything to protect our friends. I told her Sawyer was there. I don't know if any of them were alive with the soldiers killing people when left. The bad people on and off island were trying to take control of it and we were caught in the middle. That's how we got away, in the the soldiers' helicopter.

The pilot was nice, hired by the guy behind it all. He didn't like the soldiers. There was only so much room in the helicopter. I repeated to Cassidy, please don't tell anyone. Those people, the bad guys, were still out there and we didn't know if we were safe. We knew their secret. They faked the Oceanic wreck with all those dead bodies dug up from somewhere else and dropped the large, intact duplicate plane in the Sunda Trench. The person behind that is mega-rich. We know his daughter and she was hiding from him too.

I took out the envelope of money and gave it to her. It was $20,000 in 100-dollar bills. I wasn't sure how much to put in. I had so much. I could give more but knew she's a proud woman. Years ago, she talked about someone she broke up with and was bitter when we met. She loved that man and he conned her out of her life savings. Based on Clementine's age and the information, she was pregnant with Sawyer's baby when we met up. I shook it off despite getting a chill. Fate or coincidence?

Jack would say coincidence, it's a small world, but is it that small? What were the chances we would both help each other, open up and meet years later knowing the same guy, literally and in the Biblical way? I am not proud of the latter.

Cassidy thumbed through the cash, surprised at the amount. She stopped and put it down on the table, pushing it a little towards me. She said his name and asked if that S.O.B. was still alive. I didn't know. I had told her he disappeared.

She looked at me with piercing eyes. She's a bit taller than me and the color of her eyes are indiscernible, not quite hazel, but a mix of other colors like gold, colors that were light and pierced right through you like a knife, same as her words.

She asked next if he told me to come and give her an envelope of money? I was starting to feel a bit flustered, wanting to convey his concern for Clementine. She didn't know his last words were about Clementine. I told her he said where to find her and take care of his daughter Clementine.

Cassidy bristled. She got that bitter look on her face, the one I was waiting for. She said in a slightly sarcastic tone she's asleep in her crib. Should she wake her up?

That is not what I wanted. I don't want to upset my former partner in crime.

I wanted to leave. I told her I shouldn't have bothered her and could've sent it, probably should have.

I wanted to make tracks and get out of there before the anxiety that was held at bay overtook up me. It wasn't the confrontation part that triggered it. I can deal with that. It was revisiting hell island in my mind or thinking of things looming in the future. I felt it creeping up.

Cassidy's shrewd. She saw my agitation and softened her tone. She asked why I told her that and trusted her? I said because I thought her daughter had a right to know. She asked why he didn't come back with the rest of us? I still stood. Her questions were softer, but still piercing.

My heart rate picked up a little. I couldn't explain it right, how the helicopter was running out of gas so he jumped so we could make it to the boat. I forgot to mention Frank saying we needed to lose about 200 pounds off the helicopter for him to feel better about making it to the freighter. I didn't say we threw everything not bolted down overboard. Nobody else was willing to jump. Even if I was, my weight wouldn't be enough and Jack would have jumped right after me. It would have crushed me for Jack to do that, to abandon all hope of leaving.

She sighed and said what a coward. I looked at her. She didn't understand and I couldn't help her with that with the words stuck in my head. I looked at her and said he was trying to do the right thing.

She was reacting based on her knowledge of the old Sawyer, the selfish prick who landed on the island, hoarded and extorted. He changed slowly. He protected the group. He protected me. He became one of us, part of our group. He saved Aaron and had Jack's back that last day. We all changed. Even Jack, who didn't like me spending time with Sawyer, trusted him to protect me. I could protect myself but needed extra eyes with Locke's conflict with Jack, refusing rescue and convincing some of the survivors to go to the Other's barracks to live.

She looked at me carefully and said Sawyer was trying to get away from me when he jumped. She said she told him he had a daughter. He didn't lift a finger or call her and now she was supposed to think he was a hero because he told me to come there to help them? She still didn't raise her voice, thankfully, for me and my doodle bug. She said hell, she bet the money wasn't even his and pushed it my way.

I told her there was a settlement after the crash. I didn't need it all but she cut me off. Her words were kind. She said I don't have to explain it. I had the same look on my face when he ditched her. She said all she had was sympathy. She was sincere. I felt my throat tightening. I missed Sawyer, of course, his nicknames, friendship. I did love him but it was different than the love I had for Jack. She was completely off-base. I felt like I failed to deliver the right message.

She asked if that was his? I was confused. That? She asked if you were Sawyer's baby. I laughed a little and sat, trying to ease my anxiety. She knew nothing about it, what we've been through. If I cried, she would think it was because of him, not my nervous system, not the feeling of being overwhelmed and being unable to control it. I've been doing so good and I can't take those damn pills, now yellow, not green with the lower dose. I'd be unable to take care of you for a while, doodle bug. I sat, agitated. I rubbed my forehead and said no, I was pregnant before I met him. I lied.

Cassidy's gaze never left me. She was smart enough to know I lied. She said that you, little man, are not mine. I couldn't answer. She said I told her that we "cooked a story" for the whole world about the island and I told her the truth. She wanted to know why I was lying about you? I said it was because I had to. I looked at her, trying to communicate with my eyes but couldn't.

You are part of the bigger lie but one I can never tell. I don't want you ever to end up in social services, especially if I end up going to . . . I couldn't even think the word.

Oceanic, whether they believed us or not, enhanced the story and buried it as soon as possible, even tried to spin it in the papers as a hero's welcome back for the group. This was after the initial press release debacle that pushed me off the cliff and gave me the worst panic attack of my life. I've only had two big ones. Oceanic was unquestionably on board that you were mine and backed it up by adding millions to our settlement just for you.

The visit overall went okay. It wasn't great because I couldn't talk or argue and just let her throw out assumptions. When I wanted to explain, it felt like a fist was clenching my throat.

I did get to see Clementine who woke right after that, hearing our voices and baby sounds. Clementine loves babies. She wanted to hold Aaron and handed him his rattles. We sat on the floor with them. Aaron's blanket was spread out. Clementine, now two years-old, is talkative like both of her parents. She had questions about Aaron. What does he like to eat? Can he play dolls? Can he ride bikes? A lot were yes, no, someday answers. She amused herself while I admired her to Cassidy and to myself.

She has Sawyer's eyes and dimples. She's a beautiful little girl. I mused and kept those thoughts to myself. I made sure Cassidy knew what a good job I think she's doing. I said I could probably use some advice with ages and stages coming up. I have no idea what I'm doing and am reading a book, relying on it and the pediatrician for what's normal at this age.

She said to give her a call. She didn't know squat when Clementine was born. You'd think the hospitals would give us an instruction book when they sent us out the doors with tiny, helpless babies. They give out pamphlets on everything else!

Clementine was an angel, so happy and gentle with my baby. It was like two lost siblings finally found each other. They did look alike with the blonde hair and big blue eyes. Their happiness smoothed things over. Cassidy even played with Aaron. I think she realized my capacity for talking about emotional stuff was maxed out. I wasn't the same girl with high walls inside that didn't show feelings. She adored Aaron, saying what a good Mommy he had while playing with him, as if the conversation we had never happened.

Clementine took a shine to me too. She wanted to climb in my lap, play with my long, straightened auburn brown hair. She ran her fingers through the swirls at the bottom of it. Am I mommy's friend? Am I her Auntie? Can she call me Auntie Kate? Will I play dolls with her? I looked at Cassidy with a smile. Cassidy gently chided her saying Auntie Kate had a long drive but maybe she'll come over again sometime and bring Aaron. Wouldn't that be nice? It was an invitation. I turned to Clementine and said I'd love to play dolls next time but had a long drive to get Aaron to bed for the night. He needs his sleep like she did to grow bigger. I saw Cassidy's face. She seemed content with the answer.

Cassidy didn't want my money. She said she had plenty she wasn't using. Sawyer had deposited over $500,000 from the government in Clementine's name and the bank tracked her down. They added her as the parent and account guardian. She guessed he must have helped them on the inside because she called when she learned about the money. She found out he had been released. He was serving 10 for conning her out of the $600,000.

He still owed her the balance, not me. She could wait. If not, they had what they needed and more. They don't want for anything, even clothes for her daughter. There were lots of moms around at the school that share clothes when a baby or child grew out of them. They would find a mom with a baby or child in that stage and share. It wasn't charity and the clothes were usually in great shape. It's a community activity, just passing them along. Babies and kids grew so fast.

Cassidy told me to keep the money, stash it with more in case if that guy or his men comes after us. She asked if I had a gun? I said no but was going to ask a friend to get one for me. I was living with Jack and acquiring a gun legally was complicated with my charges. Jack would be opposed. She knew my charges were on hold. Pending federal charges and being in possession of an unregistered firearm equaled immediate jail time for me.

She said she could get one for me when I was ready. Just let her know. That way my Oceanic group including Jack wouldn't know. Don't let Jack sway me one way or the other with it. Do what I had to and protect my boy and myself. If I had nowhere to go, she said I could come down to her and we could figure out my next move. Nobody knew who she was. Just make sure I'm never followed coming over. She'll block her caller ID if she calls me for privacy so Jack doesn't know who called.

I was surprised at her offers then remembered how we helped each other on the road.

We're going to go back some time to visit. She has a job working in an elementary school office with good benefits. We won't tell each other's secrets, especially since she's offering to give the person a firearm who confessed to her she killed her step-dad because he was a bad man. I didn't say exactly what happened, that the fire was lit by Wayne lighting a cigarrete in bed, as usual. I wasn't 100 percent innocent though.

I imagined if Wayne was on the island, the smoke monster would have swallowed him the first night. But, to our benefit, it would have been drunk for about a week working his 80-proof body out of its system.

* * *

I mulled over Widmore on my drive back. I drove carefully but my mind was listing possibilities. He was cut from the same cloth as Ben. Penny had mentioned her father was from the island and left but she thought there was more to it. He had odd paintings in his office she thought had something to do with the place. The fascination and obsession obviously were still there. He was after something, not just land.

Penny picked this up from conversations since she was little but he never spoke to her directly about it. If he would come for us, why and how? If he was an Other leader before Ben, would he use the same tactics against us? Kill us or want information, knowing the best way to get it?

I had a strong taste of how Ben operated. It occupied my thoughts, an unwelcome companion on my drive home, making me tense.

* * *

The next night, Jack was back. He had put off the legal conversation over a week at that point. It didn't bode well with my nervous system. He wanted to talk to his attorney first, which was last week. He came back to me and wanted to sit down sometime this week, but who knows when? He doesn't work.

When he returned with his bags and gear Sunday night, he filled me in his guy's weekend. Some time was spent on the slopes, or, as Jack put it sliding down the slopes on their backsides after trying to look like pro-boarders and skiers. Some time was spent in a bar and restaurant his family used to visit, but they mostly hung out in the cabin owned by the Shephard's.

They all found it was easier to b.s., eat, drink and fall right into bed. He looked refreshed and said he was glad to catch up with them. The men were friends and co-workers before he left. They wanted island stories, but he had to be quick on his feet and also careful not to drink too much.

He added they wanted the down-low on me, saying I was hot and asked for details. Jack isn't one to share. He said they gave him a hard time and said let one of them have a chance to date me if I kicked his loser butt to the curb.

His colleagues were jealous of him. They asked why the hell wasn't he married and living in some glorious paradise with me and the baby, with all of us being hand-fed by servants? He tried to explain his passion for work, but they said he was full of it. There was a lot of talk about what they would do if they had his money. Work was not one of them.

They thought he needed to visit another work friend, the psych consult at the hospital, and check Jack in on a 72-hour hold. At least he took it for what it was, guy ribbing, and they didn't dig into his dad issues. I had no doubt they saw the Christian vs. Jack issues firsthand at the hospital and respected it as a "do not cross" zone. That's good. That's bad too. He needs to talk to someone and work that crap out.

I told him my weekend went well. Aaron and I enjoyed our time together. The good news was I didn't burn the condo down with cooking. He was pleased and didn't require any more explanation. Aaron was down for a nap when he got back. By the time I caught him up on my weekend, he had me in the bedroom partially undressed.

I could tell he really missed me. I missed him too. It was weird without his body wrapped around mine or mine around his at night. I let him know that. I don't sleep well without him. He said the same. We didn't waste time with chit chat after that. We had some catching-up to do. He needed to re-familiarize himself with my slightly improved curves.

We had a late dinner after putting Aaron to bed. My little bug was sleeping through the night. He is starting to eat a little baby cereal in a high chair, but is still mostly on formula. The combination fills his tummy, helping him to sleep longer.

He made the funniest faces when I put the baby cereal in his mouth. I open my mouth wide and encourage him to do the same as he watches my face. When he does, I use the rubbery spoon and put a quarter spoonful in. He makes that face, pushes it around his mouth with his tongue and sometimes over his lip, eyes wide and a little disgusted. It's mushy and doesn't have much flavor. I tried it. I scooped it gently and put it back in his sweet little mouth so he can swallow it. He's getting it. Once he becomes more proficient at eating and swallowing, I can start with a baby food.

We went through the baby's bedtime ritual, then Jack topped off Aaron with a bottle while rocking him in the glider. I watched from the doorway. He put him in the sleep sack, kissed his forehead, turned the monitor on and light off. I didn't detect any changes in his interactions with Aaron since our conversation and his attorney visit. I hope that's a good sign.

Jack still hasn't mentioned the POAs or guardianship for Aaron. Did he make any decisions yet? It's been over a week. I really want Jack to say something but can't force him. It's starting to make me feel nuts coupled with the Widmore conversation I had with Cassidy.

I was alone in the kitchen when he went to the bathroom and it all came back and hit me hard. It triggered a path my mind started to race down, the one that makes me panic.

My apprehension increased with thoughts starting to run amuck and feeling torn. Do I ask? Do I not ask Jack? What is his decision? I felt a terrible need to put Aaron's protection in black and white and make it legal. Widmore. Jail. Accident. Death. Anything could happen. What about Aaron? Who will take care of my baby?

Jack pulled me back into the present. My heart pounded like I had been running and the adrenaline had kicked in. I was startled badly when he put his arms around my waist and my knees buckled. He had to hold me up.

I stood quickly, recovering and turned around fast, eyes wide, breathing quickly. He's lucky I didn't lash out or pop up and split that bottom lip I love with the top of my head. I had fight or flight running through my veins.

He took me to the sofa and sat me down, kneeling in front of me. I was jittery, wanting to take off and run to the other room. He had one hand on my leg, looking at his watch, two fingers on my wrist for my pulse, his lips pressed together and expression unsettled.

Jack said something three times. I didn't hear him until he got me to make eye contact. He wanted to know about the realtor and appointments. I told him later, not now. I couldn't talk about it. I tipped my head back and took a deep breath, trying to get my heart rate down.

This is ridiculous. Why was I so anxious and wired right now? I looked in his brown eyes, tender, curious, and troubled. His pupils were wide, making his eyes dark. He looked into mine trying to decipher my thoughts.

Anxiety and adrenaline still coursed through my system. Something in my brain answered my own question of "why."

I'm afraid of his answer.

I'm afraid of how I'll react with the anxiety out of control.

I prayed Jack wouldn't push me to talk. I told him I need some space, some time. I didn't want to fall apart in front of him.

He frowned and pressed me to talk instead. He said I was too wound up. He wanted to know what's going on. "Dammit, just tell me Kate!" My willpower began to melt. The big, thick walls I had for years had been kicked in and torn down by him on the island. He had the key to get inside no matter how much I resisted.

It came out in a gush, then a flood. I said I have to protect Aaron. Widmore's still out there. It's only been a few months. The island moved. He's going to come for us to find out what we know. He's from the island and wants it back. What if he's like Ben and kidnaps me for leverage? I'm the weak link with a baby and no powerful, gangster family like the Paiks.

What if he snatches me and Aaron is left alone in his stroller or my car? I don't care what happens to me. I wanted Aaron to be safe. I don't want him taken by child services. Who would take care of him? What if I don't come back? Widmore would eventually kill me because I don't know where it went? What if he kills all of us because we know about that place?

What if I end up in jail?!

My panic was on a roll and kept talking. Aaron would end up in a crowded shelter like Ms. Martha talked about when I was younger. He wouldn't be held when he cried or changed regularly. There wasn't enough staff. What if they put him in a foster home and he's neglected? What if it's one of those places where they collect checks for kids and have too many? What if the foster parents or kids hurt him? What if they take away my baby's pretty smile forever and make him angry and sad or worse? What if I go to jail and that happens to him?

My brain snapped after that. All I could think about was Aaron crying, Aaron hurt, and I felt dumb that I couldn't put my affairs in order because I wasn't sure if anyone would take him, not even the man I love. I was the one who wanted to claim Aaron. I didn't want him to be lost to us forever. Everyone in our group agreed and were supportive but would anyone take him if I was gone? Who would raise him to be a good man?

I won't force that on anyone and hate myself for having no real family, only a father across seas, and for being the run so long. Maybe I deserved bad in life because Wayne was bad. I might have to pay for having his blood. Why would Aaron? Aaron isn't his blood!

I was bawling. Aaron is my heart and an anchor to my soul. I love him and my heart hurt. He was my responsibility. I felt like I was failing him.

A part of me, a very small part, knew I was over the edge and nothing had happened. That small piece of logic was shredded by panic, like at the rodeo when an angry bull is on a rampage and takes it out on an empty, plastic barrel, kicking it, trampling and tossing it in the air until it's in pieces.

I knew about those shelters. Without guardianship documents, child services would take Aaron. He would go to a temporary, overcrowded shelter for children ages 0-10. Diane, went to school with a woman who would come by the diner after work to eat. I went there to do homework if Diane's boss wasn't in to avoid being home alone with Wayne.

Ms. Martha would talk about the shelter she worked at in Des Moines, Iowa. It was always full of children and never had enough staff. They cared about the kids and tried their best but the babies and children had just been take out of their homes and were traumatized, needing attention.

There were always at least one or two crack babies in the shelter that needed extra attention, monitoring and holding. They had up to 10 babies including the crack babies at any given time and many cried in their cribs. They relied on well-screened volunteers to help with the kids but it was inconsistent and volunteers couldn't change or feed the babies to protect them. She could only have one in the nursery room at a time to rock one baby.

The babies and kids were usually there up to 4 weeks for foster care placement. Some were there longer like the crack babies. I pretended I couldn't hear her while I did my homework. She sat at the counter. Mom poured her extra coffee and listened, not saying much, like a sympathetic bartender.

I don't want Aaron to end up in a place like that!

I bolted to get space. I don't remember escaping Jack from the couch. He's bigger than me and fast but I was in the farthest corner of the bedroom after stumbling over his weekend pack, skis, ski boots, and snowboard. I was crying, angry at myself, trying to keep him away from me surrounded by a minefield of gear.

I felt like I had failed already.

My mouth and brain had parted ways in the living room.

I told Jack he should cut his losses. If they want to send me to jail for a long time I may as well be dead because I will have nothing to live for anymore. Jack would find someone else. Aaron would never know me.

I have never been suicidal in the past. I am the consummate survivor. I wasn't thinking right.

I was the speeding car again with nobody driving.

Jack approached me. I backed up against the wall. My brain couldn't register his face, only his slow approach and the threat of medication so I couldn't take care of Aaron.

I started choking for air, then vomiting dry heaves. Things turned grey before I folded over involuntarily. The last thing I remember is feeling the back my head hit something sharp as my body weight followed. Everything went dark.

* * *

I woke hearing a muted beeping noise. My eyes were closed and head ached. What the hell happened? I couldn't remember but the back of my head hurt and stung terribly at the same time. I could breath. I slowly assessed my body. My left arm hurt. I had an i.v. I hate the damn things. I still struggled to remember what happened. I was so tired. I felt a presence but was too tired to peek. Everything was fuzzy in my mind. I drifted back to sleep as I tried to recall what happened.

* * *

I heard low voices. They were standing away from me, away from the bed, whispering. I recognized one. I heard the words grade 3 concussion, sutures, trauma-induced. My head pain had faded. I felt warm and fuzzy. I already finished grade 3. Why were they talking about that? I took a breath and heard a voice, Tommy. He was waiving. He wanted me to race him to the round pen to watch his dad and a farm hand to train a three year-old mare. She wouldn't be saddle broken for another year or more because her bones structure wouldn't be full grown until she was six. It was fun to see the men try to coax her. Today was the horse halter.

I took off and we went to stand on the fence as spectators, debating if they would be able to catch her today and put it on the mare without her fighting it and running off.

She bit someone yesterday. She was a feisty one.

* * *

My head hurt. It stung. My arm stung too. Something was jammed into it. I wanted to take it out. My eyes were closed by my right hand weakly slid over and pulled at whatever was stabbing me. I yanked it and the pain was gone but my forearm started to feel a gush of warm and wet fluid. I heard a loud alarm beeping next to me. I was glad I got rid of that thing. It hurt. I heard voices, feet, cussing. My brain wasn't fully awake. A flashlight shone quickly in each eye. Reactive not equal, someone said. Reactive not equal. I tried to remember something, someone important. Reactive not equal. My brain wandered. Reactive not equal. The alarm was off and I drifted back to sleep.

* * *

I woke. Where was I? Where's Aaron? My eyes had opened but vision was blurry. I was alone. I was in the hospital. Who had him? Child services?

I was panicking, yelling for Aaron, trying to take the layers of tape off to rip out the I.V. and find him.

I tried sitting up but fell back immediately and passed out. I don't know how long I was unconscious.

* * *

Where is my baby? I was stuck in a damn bed and he might be in one of those places because something happened. I couldn't remember how I got there. I shouted his name, tears in my eyes, my head throbbing every time I used my voice. I picked and pulled at the tape. I had almost worked it off.

I heard feet running and saw Jack when he reached the bed followed by other doctors and nurses. I asked where Aaron was? Where is he, Jack?! I wanted to know where my baby was and was shouting his name. He tried to soothe me but I needed Aaron to be safe. I told him to find him. Get him back for me! I can take care of him!

I was ready to yank out the i.v. and felt strong hands grab my right one and pin it to my right side and someone pinning my left. Someone said restraints and I started screaming. I didn't want to be restrained or cuffed.

Please, don't! Don't cuff me! I didn't do anything! I just wanted my baby! Why wasn't Jack stopping them?

His face was worried. I fought the arms that held me firmly and felt the padded cuffs go around my forearms and tighten. I started to cry and wail the word "No" loudly.

I fought like an animal, as hard as I could. I saw Jack's face. It's the last thing I remembered before things grew fuzzy and faded.

He looked terrified.

* * *

It was quiet. I shifted my arms. They were free. I opened my eyes. Jack was sitting beside my bed in a lounge chair. It was converted to a bed but he sat on the side, his face in his hands. My head was hurting and I was thirsty. I tried to say his name, Jack, but all that came out was a dry, cracked whisper. His head whipped up. His eyes were bloodshot, shirt and pants were wrinkled and shirt covered in blood. Who's? Mine?

He was dressed in the clothes from dinner after Tahoe. Was it a few hours ago? I didn't know. He stood quickly and poured a glass of water from a tan pitcher. He brought it to my mouth with a straw and told me only small sips at a time. I was so thirsty.

He looked at my eyes and swung a pen light over them after and seemed relieved at the results. He had stubble. Island length stubble. I was confused. How did he grow it so fast? I whispered Aaron? It came out a plea. I needed to know where he was. Jack looked me over and brushed some hair behind my ear. I was rigid, waiting for the answer. He sighed.

He said his Mom had him. The baby was fine. Margo and Carmen had been taking care of him alternating time. They each wanted to help out and were very worried about me. I'm not allowed to have visitors, otherwise they would be here too.

I looked pointedly at him. He said he was a doctor, he gave a self-depreciatory laugh with no mirth behind it. Non-practicing, but he had privileges. He looked at my face, my eyes, my lips and followed that by gently touching the same with his finger and fingers. He rubbed my earlobe gently as if I was made of glass. I tried to turn my head to him and grimaced. My head hurt badly.

He asked if I was in pain. I whispered yes, bad. He took the controller wired to my bed and touched a red button, asking the doctor to come to the room. Jack told the answering voice I was awake and in pain.

He took my right hand and held it silently, watching me carefully, looking for something in my eyes. He had a look I can only describe as concern or fear I was going to disappear.

I felt confused, but relieved Aaron was okay. His hand and fingers felt good on my face.

The doctor came in and said hi to Jack. Obviously, a friend or colleague. He introduced himself and I didn't catch it all. It was Geoffrey? There was a nurse behind him with a tray she put down. I gave her a suspicious look. She took a clipboard from the end of my bed. I couldn't move my head.

He looked at my eyes with the swinging penlight and said some things to the nurse as he checked vitals. He tried to tell me about my injuries. Concussion. Sutures. I was confused. I looked at Jack but can't speak much. I didn't know I had those, I thought. How did I get them? No wonder my head hurts.

Dr. Geoffrey looked at Jack. Jack said he'd talk to me about it later. The doctor asked me the last thing I remembered. I whispered dinner, home. He nodded, taking notes and looked at Jack with some silent meaning.

He ordered something for me. I didn't have enough time or ability to ask what it was or protest. The nurse injected it in the i.v. port and I started to feel warm and the pain recede. Someone patted my leg. Dr. Geoffrey? He said he'd check on me in a bit.

Jack stood and ran his hands through his hair. "What happened?" I whispered Jack. He came over slowly and dropped the right bedrail. He moved his chair over and held my hand again, kissing it.

He said, "Don't worry, Kate. Rest." He told me everything's fine. Then why was I here and he looked like he hadn't changed or showered? It looked like he was exhausted from a multi-day trek in the jungle. I felt my eyes grow heavy.

His head was on my bed and eyes closed. I put my petite hand on his cheek before I fell asleep.

* * *

I could hear Jack's voice, speaking in a quiet tone. It was distant. I opened my eyes. He was talking to the doctor. Consulting maybe about me. I couldn't call to him. No voice and my head hurt. I waited. I wanted to sit up but remembered it made me pass out when I did.

My body was at a slight angle with pillows behind my left side and my left arm with the i.v. on top of a pillow. It's taped well and wrapped now with gauze and some kind of stretchy sleeve over it. Two pillows are in front of me and one between my knees. I was comfortable but, God, my head.

The doctor and Jack leaned over the clipboard that was on top of a pink binder, then held up films, looking at them through the daylight. It must be my file, I thought. I sighed, ready to close my eyes again and try to sleep.

He must have sensed me. Jack looked at me, said something to the doctor and strode in alone. He asked if I was thirsty. I looked up, eyes only. I didn't have to say yes. My chapped lips should have been a dead giveaway. I tried to lick them. He already had the straw at my mouth. Small sips at a time.

He left the room and got a small sponge and cup of water and dampened my lips. I scowled. I love clear Chapstick. He gave a half smile and said he'd get my Chapstick, just not yet. He knew I wanted it without my asking. I gave him a small smile. He leaned over and softly kissed my forehead.

Jack said the doctor will give us some time together before he came in to talk. Geoffrey was a friend of his. He was a neurologist as well, specializing in severe concussions and brain injuries. Brain injuries? He went on to say he had questions for me, just a few.

He would explain more later but I had an injury and stitches on the back of my head so try not to move or it will hurt. "Be patient, Kate." _Be patient_. He said that another time. _Be patient_. When did he say that? _Be patient with me._

He asked if I knew who he was. I rolled my eyes. He sat on my bed where there was a space partway down. My lower legs were tucked back with the pillow between and it left a nice gap for him. He said that answers the first question.

He asked the last thing I remembered. I whispered dinner.

Do you remember where Aaron is, he asked. Margo, Carmen. He nodded.

He then asked some more questions. Who is the President? Bush.

What year is it? 2005.

Do you know where you are? Hospital.

Do I know why? No.

Do I know how long? No.

Do I know what day it is? Sunday or Monday?

I wondered if that was the wrong answer because he pressed his lips. He said it's okay. I whispered what's wrong? He said I was asked this a few times before and given the answers each time. I didn't remember that. I whispered give me the answers now.

He said I'm in St. Sebastians. I have a severe stage 3 concussion and 16 sutures. I've been here 4 days. It was Thursday. 4 days? Concussion? Sutures? I asked why? He said he will explain later. It's okay. Relax. Let the doctors and him take care of me. Aaron's happy and his Grandmas' are spoiling him.

Jack smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. His brows were together. He said he's sorry I was hurt. I saw sorrow in his face. He said things will be okay now.

I don't know why he's apologizing. It bothered me. I winced, feeling a headache come on. Why was he sorry?

* * *

I was sitting up finally at an angle. I don't know how long I've been at this hospital or what day it is. My head still hurt but they had changed my meds to something that didn't knock me out right away. It still made me sleepy though.

I didn't ask what they were giving me. If it made the pain go away, I really didn't care anymore. Jack had changed and showered. I don't know how long he was gone because I was asleep. I still had a gap in my memory about what happened and he didn't fill it in yet. It was frustrating but I didn't fight him.

I was finally allowed to eat real food but it was all liquid. I lamented my thin arms and body, feeling weak. Franc had his work cut out for him. I was sliding back to ground zero with low body fat.

I wasn't allowed visitors yet but had a nice, private room with a window. The window ledge was full of flower arrangements, cards, balloons and even a few stuffed animals from friends. I thought they were from my Oceanic friends, my family.

I ask Jack read the cards to me when he's in. Sometimes I forgot who gave me something. It's annoying to me. My mind used to feel like steel trap. Now it felt like a steel trap missing a spring lock.

I don't remember staying in a hospital before this. I stayed in a bed somewhere, the airport I think, on a trip. Things are filtering back in bits and pieces that I remembered and were fuzzy. I remembered most things.

Short-term I have a few things that are missing. I don't know what happened after dinner. Jack's holding back information. Is it bad or does he just feel bad or both? Did I do something bad?

He stays with me and sleeps here at night. I'm glad he does. It would be lonely. He even contacted my Dad. I don't remember what he told my Dad. I do remember he got something back saying "You better take care of my girl." His girl. I'm his girl.

That made me smile.

There were things on the edge of my brain that were important but I can't recall what they are. I guess they can wait, whatever they were.

I was hoping to see Aaron. I missed him. Jack said as soon as I am cleared for it he can come in briefly but has to go after. A hospital has sick people and isn't the best place for a baby to hang out unless it needs treatment. They usually didn't allow visitors under 14 years old for my unit but would make a small exception for me. A very small, smiley exception.

Despite the gaps, I remember most of my past. I can remember up the island, rescue, press release, then a few things are unclear. Some new things have to be repeated to settle in my brain.

The doctor said just give myself some time. Jack sat in the meetings. He sits in all of them, even just vitals. I remember The Lie and don't discuss the island.

Jack said if I can't remember, just ask him. Once the swelling goes down and things are healed, it might all come back and I'll be good as new. The brain is a miraculous thing. It could take eight weeks, maybe more or less, but he said he isn't going anywhere.

* * *

My first visitor isn't tiny. He's a welcome one though. It was Hurley. He didn't stay long. He said only one visitor at a time. Jack had stepped out of the room and was outside. Hurley sat and asked how I was. I said okay I think. I can't remember some stuff.

Hurley lifted an eyebrow and said that may not be a bad thing. There are things he wishes he could forget. I know he is trying to add humor but is serious at the same time. I am propped on my side, facing him, my i.v. on the pillow. I know I am tiny in the bed. He took my hand and squeezed it. He said no hugs today. Jack said I had a heck of a cut on the back of my head.

I gave him a sullen look because I don't know what happened. I asked Hurley if he knew. He said, "Yeah, um, about that. I'm not supposed to tell you. Jack will. It's not a big deal, but..." He said he has to go but will see me soon and patted my hand. He seemed afraid to touch or kiss me. He said "Love you, Kate!" and left quickly.

Carmen came next. I was surprised to see her. I thanked her for caring for Aaron. Tears fell from my eyes when I said his name. I winced because it made my head throb. She wiped my eyes and cried herself saying, "Don't cry, hija." She told me she loves me. She wanted to come sooner but those doctors, she glared at the word "doctors," wouldn't let her. She was mad and told them she is my Ma. Dr. Jack had to talk to explain I wasn't awake much and didn't remember. She asked if I remember her. I smiled a little and said yes. Of course. I will always remember her.

She smiles and pats my cheek very softly. She said don't worry, hija. Nobody takes Aaron from his familia. Abuela Carmen takes care of him but she shared with Grandma Margo so she can enjoy his happiness. He will be glad to see me.

I felt relieved. I thanked her again. I was so worried, she had no idea. She said she has an idea. Dr. Jack told her some of what happened. She will get the rest out of him. He can't hide that information from her. She will talk with me again later. She kisses my cheek very softly and tells me to rest.

I thought visitors were done. Jack peeked in and asked if I am ready for more. I said yes but was sleepy. I hear him before I see him. He is gurgling and trying to talk. Jack walks in with Aaron in his arms and Margo. I know they are breaking a few rules but I don't care.

I cried when I saw him. My baby. Aaron freezes, then started to pump his legs wildly in excitement and reached for me. He would have fallen out of Jack's arms if he didn't have a good grip. Jack sat on the bed by my knees and held Aaron close enough for me to touch with my right hand. Aaron grabbed it and started fussing.

"He wants you to hold him," Jack said. Aaron was agitated and loudly said "Dada" over and over. My eyes flew open. I looked at Jack and Margo. Jack shrugged and said sorry. He wanted to save it for a surprise. He should be saying Mama soon. Dada was easier for him.

Margo sat beside me. She smiled and patted my hand too. My right hand was the only unencumbered one and closest. She said she was glad I was making progress.

I remembered she took care of Aaron too and thanked her, tears flowing, despite my head pain. I was afraid he would be taken away since I was sick.

She said don't be silly. We would never let that happen. Jack would have cared for him but he's hardly left my side. He's called every day to check on him.

Aaron was still grabbing for me as they talked, wanting me to hold him. I looked at Jack, pleading without words, but he said no. It will be a lot more painful than I think and he can't raise my bed much higher and keep me conscious.

I had to be content to reach out and touch Aaron's hands and chubby legs. He tried to take my fingers and put them in his mouth with eyes focused intently on them until they're near his mouth and he's almost cross-eyed. Funny boy! I didn't recognize his clothes. I either forgot them or they were new. I thanked Margo again. I was going crazy not knowing where he was.

She said he brings a lot of joy to old ladies like Carmen and herself. She kissed me gently on the forehead and looked at Jack conveying some message. My eyes were drooping.

Jack said he'd be right back. Kate, stay awake. Just one more person. He held Aaron close enough for me to smell his head and kiss him. He made a grab for my hair but Jack caught his little first.

I fought sleep badly. I was so tired, my mind started to drift. Jack said to wake up. Here's the last visitor.

I opened my eyes and saw an older man. It didn't register who he was initially. He was in a gray green uniform decorated with many medals. He stepped in a few paces and took off his hat, tucking it under his arm, tears in his eyes. "Hello, Peanut." He said. I reached for him slowly, sliding my right hand through the bedrail bars and he walked over.

"Daddy," I whispered, choked up. My Daddy came to see me.

I miss you doodle bug! You are good medicine for my soul. I hope you learn to say Mama too.

My Daddy is here! I can hardly believe it! You finally met Grandpa Sam.

I love you,

Mommy


	12. Chapter 12: Puzzle Pieces

Dear Aaron:

There is a whiteboard on my wall that the nurses erase overnight to put the new information on for the day. It's large and faces my bed so I can read it. It has the day, date, where I am and how many days I've been here. It also has visiting hours listed and any special test or activity for the day, the latter of which are very few still. I roll my eyes when I read it. Yeah, I'm forgetful but my IQ didn't drop. It makes me feel like I should be wearing a dunce cap.

I am still having medical issues. We are hopeful they go away as my brain heals. I fall asleep randomly. I also lose consciousness if I am raised to a sitting position, so the nurses raise my head a little higher each day when I'm awake. My brain is bruised. There's a little swelling causing it to press against the inside of my skull a little. It was worse before affecting my pupils and keeping me unconscious more. When I am unconscious, there's no dreams. When I sleep, I dream vivid dreams about the past and present, some are nightmares.

The good news is that I am slowly improving. I have some memory issues. It's a little better, but I still can't remember everything. It's like bits and pieces are missing from things that were said or happened. I feel like they are random puzzle pieces missing to finish the picture in my head. I need help with finding and placing those pieces. Help means someone has to explain to me what happened.

I don't like asking for help, much less for this. I feel like an old person. It reminds me of Pa Austen, my great-grandpa. Dad and I talk about visiting him. I think Dad is testing my memory on his own or at the doctor's suggestion to see how far back it's affected. This part is still intact.

* * *

We used to go visit Pa Austen and family in Kentucky at the old farmstead there. Pa was Grandpa Sam's Grandpa. Pa had an in-home caregiver, an old family friend that knew him throughout school. He was friend with her older brother. They all attended a one-room school house.

He would ask the same thing at least three times within five minutes. Dad was patient with him, as was Dad's remaining uncles, aunts, Pa's children, and Dad's cousins. Most of the Dad's uncles were dairy farmers. Pa Austen was a tall, strong man, farmer, and land owner.

He also owned the local feed store in his adult years until the forgetfulness kicked in. He was an honorary Kentucky Colonel for his contributions to the region. Pa was a good, hard working person and well-respected. It was sad for my Dad to see his mind go.

I heard fascinating stories about Pa when we visited. Some were about his service in World War I after he was drafted. Others were about Dad's summers there as a pre-teen through high school. Pa would take Dad hiking and on adventures to find the legendary Indian caves. There was rumor there was gold in them.

They never explored one. The remote hills were loaded with copperhead snakes. Dad's parents had resettled in Iowa so a visit was like coming home to Dad, his original home.

When we visited, the family had large, outdoor cookouts where menfolk grilled while the womenfolk cooked. They also baked and overfed us and topped it off with homemade ice cream. There didn't seem to be much planning around it. It just happened.

Some of the adults would sit, eat, talk, swap recipes, and admire each other's babies while the kids ran around, playing with the dogs or ball at the basketball hoop at Great Uncle Mark's house. Men sat on tailgates drinking a beer, eating or swapping fish or hunting stories.

Most of the family members were tall, like Pa and Dad, even some of Dad's girl cousins. Some of the girls went on to play basketball for University of Kentucky. The boys were strapping and an average of 6'5" by the time they were 15, corn-fed and strong from farm labor. They usually played football through high school, then worked full-time on the farms, eventually taking them over as their Dads would retire.

I was always small for my age, so I got called squirt and shrimp, but all in good humor. They all looked like giants, a forest of legs for me to run around and weave through.

I was young, full of adventure and imagination. I liked exploring. I liked to check out Pa and Ma's house when we went there. It had large patios on two sides of the house with old, metal gliding seats I liked to test out. There was a bronze spittoon in the living room he used to use, many wooden canes with hand-carved heads, and the old barn outside with grey boards that knotholes had fallen out of. It was in disrepair and slanting to the right. The barn still had treasures like oil lanterns, old tools for tack, rusty horse shoes, stiff harnesses and an old, mildewed saddle inside to examine.

There was sealed off second story in the house with the original furniture. One side had a large room for the girls with an old vanity in the middle of a dresser with drawers on both sides. I loved trying on the old hats that were still in there. They looked funny to me.

Outside the door of that room was a few large boxes with old photos of family long gone. They were herding livestock and using horses and large plows in the fields. There were stacks and stacks of these kinds of photos starting to fade with age.

Pa's mind started to go after Ma passed. She broke her hip in the backyard walking along one of the unused fields and died soon after from complications. It used to be a big, sprawling farm, passed down from generation to generation before him back to the 1800s. It had been reduced to a family home with large fields in the back.

Pa had built the home he lived in next to their original family homestead, another old, empty place to explore with warped, wood floors under cracked linoleum and old appliances like an ice box and wooden stove with a tall stove pipe. All of six of their kids were born at the old house in a ten-year span.

In the back there was a large expanse of barren fields that used to be filled with rows of corn, potatoes and other food to feed the family, share or be canned and preserved for feeding them long past harvest time. Dad used to help in the fields and harvest by the end of the summer. The furrows were still cut into the dry ground. It was fun to race up and down the field, trying to keep my sneakers in the same furrow.

I wish I knew them better. Dad's aunts and uncles are gone, same as most of his cousins since he was the youngest in his generation. In Glasgow County, Kentucky, we have distant kin there, descendants of Pa's that are running dairy farms on land he used to own and raising livestock to this day. Dad knows a few of them, but they would all be strangers to me. They were a conservative lot and the towns were small there. Maybe it's better that I don't go there anymore with how much I've been in the headlines.

That kind of stuff I can remember. The accident? I remember the details Jack told me most of the time then, when I run his words through my mind, I hit a blank. It's the same for some of the time leading up to it.

I know I went to Cassidy's earlier that day and it went okay but parts of the conversation elude me. I just remember it went well and hope I didn't forget anything important and that the memories come back with time

I feel so frustrated sometimes and put my head in my hands, willing my memories back. I just want someone to wave a magic wand over my head. Maybe that stupid island would heal me faster, like it did when people got shot or broke a bone. With that being said, I wouldn't go back even for my broken head, not even if the island could talk and gave me a personal guarantee.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty from the nursery rhyme but have a better prognosis, a harder skull and better doctors and my "boyfriend," Dr. Jack.

* * *

It's visitation time. Dad came in first. I love his visits the most because I haven't seen him for so long and he will be leaving at some point. He always leaves.

I finally got to tell him how much I missed him and how sorry I was for everything I put him through. Dad is the one person I never wanted to let down. He was the only stable adult in my life, even if he was deployed. He still would write and call when he could.

He said it's in the past now and to not fret over it. I'm here and alive. That's all that matters to him.

We spend time talking, sifting more memories like the ones I mentioned or the trips we took, most of which are intact for me. He also shares with me his thoughts and feelings about those lost years, the ones I didn't see or talk to him when on the run. Dad's a seasoned, career Army officer. He's fought in different wars and been on many missions. Despite that, it didn't harden his heart. He's good and kind, things I want to be.

I wonder what my life would have been like if he raised me instead of my being stuck in Ames, or if Diane hadn't cheated on him. She ruined lives with the "bed she made," and changing the trajectory of mine. I went from an Army brat, moving around with them both to my Dad being gone, a strange, abusive man moved in, and to live in a home I had only visited in the past.

Diane didn't ask me to protect and look out for her as a teen and adult. That was my choice. But, as a child, she put me in an unsafe, abusive environment with no stability, no role models, nothing to cling to except a Dad far, far away.

Dad had blamed himself. He thought he could have prevented the problems that led to my being on the run if he fought harder to get custody of me. He knew things were bad for me with Diane divorcing him and marrying that lowlife. It wasn't what I said, because I refused to tell him. It's what I didn't say.

I changed and went from being his bundle of sunshine to a reclusive girl with secrets.

He hoped I would find solace in our trips when he was on leave and took me. We mostly went to the woods, sometimes to Kentucky. It was second nature to him.

It would take a day or two for me to come around, but he said I came alive during the trips. I was smart as a whip and eager to please him. He said I would lose that protective shell I wore and become his Katie again.

Dad learned to track, hunt and shoot in Kentucky when he was young. Free time after farm work and on weekends was spent in the woods or at the lake fishing and camping with cousins and an uncle or two.

Hunting and fishing weren't for sport. They ate what they killed, whether it was fish, rabbit, squirrels or frogs. He claimed they all taste like chicken.

He was glad to share that with me, but I wouldn't kill animals or eat them. He always had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches packed, knowing it was a losing battle to make me a carnivore.

* * *

I took a big risk years ago to say goodbye to Dad at his Army office after I took off from Iowa. He told me it broke his heart let me go after that last hug. He didn't know what would happen to his daughter.

He never called the U.S. marshals or police to report me. He was supposed to but didn't have the heart. He said he broke protocol because he wasn't Diane. That's a big deal to him. He does what he says and this confession shocked me. He wouldn't turn his little girl over to the authorities including that smug marshal, even if it meant he was reprimanded or worse.

Nobody said anything at his office despite the attention I drew.

Dad said after years of not knowing where I was, he was notified by his C.O. about the Oceanic 815 being located in the ocean floor. All aboard were confirmed dead. A part of him died that day. He went on Rollover Leave. That's rare for him. It's what he's doing now. He needed time alone and went back to the woods in Kentucky. It was one of the places we had been together. He went there to mourn and to retrace trails we took and find the trees I had climbed.

Dad told me things he never spoke about before. He said he carried me into dangerous deployments and missions in his heart, determined to see his girl again no matter what. He always carried my picture with him. I was his good luck charm. After he thought I passed, he still carried my picture, but had no daughter or grave to visit. It changed him.

He made me cry when he said that, after all that's happened and what I did. I have been so ashamed for years, afraid that I hurt him, burning the one bridge that was a lifeline to me.

I wanted him to love and proud of me.

He shed some tears too, which is rare to see. He was so even-keeled when I was growing up, stable and calm, but has shown more range of emotion, whether it's tears, laughter or concern. He is frequently brimming with contentment during his visits.

He saves his hard exterior for the service. I don't know what his missions are except they are dangerous and covert. I'm proud he comes back whole from them and can separate that from his home life. A lot of people get messed up with the kinds of things he must see. He's familiar with PTSD, having seen men, even on his own squadron, receiving either in-service treatment for it or getting disability discharged.

He hates what happened to me, then and now, but is glad we reconnected, a sentiment I strongly share. His absence from my life was my fault. It left a gaping hole in my heart nothing or no man would fill. I was unsure about reaching out to him.

Now, it's like he was never gone. He's here. He still loves me and proved it by showing up and staying so long. I see how he is with Aaron and when he talks about his grandson. He looks like a man with a second lease on life.

My Dad knew something was not right about the list of charges. I have a feeling, based on whatever interaction he had with Sayid and hindsight, he may be involved with interrogation, but won't ask.

He asked me if I did exactly what the charges said. I said, "No, sir, not exactly, but I am not 100% innocent." I told him that I would tell him everything if he wanted me to, things nobody else knew.

He said that's enough for him. He knew me and tried to influence me the best he could. I wasn't a cold-blooded killer. He knows there's a story but he said he doesn't need to hear it. The answer I gave him was enough.

He apologized for what he said the last time he saw me when I was on the run. He didn't mean it, about having murder in my heart. He said I have a good heart and I've always had one. He didn't think I'd literally kill Wayne. He was just shocked and upset at the time, not knowing what to believe after the Marshal Edward Mars visited him and made that accusation. He was so convincing.

I don't know if he's convinced I didn't do anything, but I already said I'm not 100% innocent.

He's the one that taught me to shoot starting at age 7, the average age in his family for a boy or girl to start learning about guns and gun safety starting with their first bb gun. I graduated to a 22-caliber rifle with a scope by the time I was 10 and a bowie knife.

He said I would have made a heck of a marksman in the service, but wasted years looking after someone who made bad decisions and pulled me down with her. I cared about and protected people, even ones that didn't deserve it.

He wished I would have left Ames the day I graduated. That's exactly what I planned on doing. I was going to jump in a car and drive off after the ceremony. I could have gone off to college. I had a few scholarships I turned down. I was always on the Principal's List with straight A's through high school. I had a lead weight that kept me in that podunk town.

He said I could still be whatever I wanted. Dad promised that whatever happens with my legal stuff, we will take it head-on as a family. He's not going to be around much with being deployed except for leave.

Dad said if he needed to, he would take terminal leave, using up all Rollover Days, and retire to help raise Aaron if I had to do time. He will be looking to retire anyways in the next few years.

I saw the corner of his lip turn up, the beginning of a smile when the name of his grandson crossed his lips. I took a risk. I was afraid he'd say no and reject the idea, and ultimately me.

I told Dad I needed him to retire here. I told him I needed him.

Who else is going to teach Aaron all the stuff he taught me? I may have another baby in the next couple of years, maybe sooner. Jack and I spoke about getting married and expanding our family soon.

He reminded me that Jack hasn't formally asked for my hand yet, something he expects now since he's back in our lives and has met him.

I already decided to retire my running shoes and put down roots. I already started a family with baby Aaron. Jack's part of that too but hasn't made the ultimate commitment yet.

I don't know if I will be 100% back to normal after accident, but I want to hike and camp and for Aaron to enjoy those things, learning from the best, his Grandpa.

Dad smiled warmly at me and leaned back in his chair. He looked relaxed, pleased with the idea. "Then that's the plan, Peanut. I'll make sure that happens."

My Dad is a man of his word. Now I have something else to look forward to.

* * *

Did I mention I got a feeding tube a few days after I arrived? It added to the feeling of inadequacy and humiliation that I can't care for myself that has been brewing. Jack had a talk with me about it. I wasn't happy but had no choice. He said he would authorize it one way or the other but wanted my cooperation so I wouldn't end up with a port to my stomach.

My cooperation meant I got an NJ feeding tube. The NJ is for nasojejujunal. That term is on my board with a warning for me: "Do Not Touch! Call the Nurse!" Jack said I was pulling out i.v. lines earlier on.

I can't even scratch my nose if it itches! The nurse does it. It's taped to the side of my nostril, curves and is taped to my left cheek. It's hooked up to another bag on the pole. It isn't comfortable but doesn't hurt. If my throat is dry, it can make me cough, irritating me. It drips as it feeds my body nutritional liquid 24 hours a day.

I was not able to eat consistently. They had to make a quick decision to put one in. I had lost so much weight and my BMI was below the recommended threshold. Jack said my body was starving. I'm not hungry when awake, just thirsty.

He said look on the bright side; at least I won't have to gain weight when I get out. I will be stronger sooner so I can hold Aaron and do other normal activities. They will wean me off and remove it when I get past my goal BMI. I just have to eat enough to satisfy the nutritionist afterwards.

* * *

I've received phone calls. They're screened through the nurses' station. Some are from the media. Vultures! The phone is on mute in my room. People have to be on my approved call list to talk to me. The one person I talk to is Sun, but it's tricky between the 17-hour time difference and my sporadic sleep.

Jack gave me the phone for the most recent call and asked if I need privacy. I didn't. The nurses must have told her I have a time limit because the calls are usually short. I know she wants to say and ask more.

Her baby is fine. She has under 3 months now before she's due. She asked how I'm doing? I said, "I don't remember. Ask Jack." It was a joke. She wasn't sure, but I laughed softly and she joined me. She said she wanted to fly out to see me. She bought a ticket and was packed. Her OB/GYN doctor put his foot down and her family did too because of the risk. The flight may put her into labor.

She was so sorry couldn't come. I told her our babies come first. She will always be my friend. Her calls are enough. I could tell she was holding back her feelings. I don't want her to ever be upset because of me.

I let her know I'm bad company. I'm not awake enough. I'm like a skinny plant. She could only water me and watch me grow slowly while I am buried in bed.

She knows about my NJ tube. She laughed a little and said "Oh, Kate. I miss you." I missed her too.

* * *

My visitors alternate days. I always have variety. They must have a rotation schedule between them. They need to have a life too. I don't expect them to come every other day for me. I would be glad to see them once a week.

It's too much trouble. I am overwhelmed sometimes with the dedication and care they have shown. I'm not used to it.

Traffic sucks in L.A. Jack has a big advantage being able to walk home to change and shower. He doesn't count as a visitor. He's my attentive, sexy partner, care coordinator and roommate. He stays here with me every night and is here during the day unless there are appointments, like Aaron's checkup, or something he has to do. He's taking care of some legwork for me on important items with Dad and Hurley.

Dad comes to see me almost every day. He goes to Camp Haan, the closest Army base, once a week. He reports to the local CO, then calls his CO overseas. It's a half-hour drive from here, maybe more. He tells me when he won't be there the next day. He makes sure the nurses write it on my whiteboard so I don't ask if he's coming.

Jack always stays with me after visits or comes back after being out. I love it when he puts his big, strong his arms around me and kisses me gently, bringing me news or updates. I miss being held by him. I miss a lot of things about us.

I begged him to lay in bed at night several times, just to hold me. He said it's not allowed and he's too tall. I told him to go find a bigger bed for those star athletes. They must have them stashed in the hospital penthouse.

I need Jack to hold me so I will get better faster. I am still having nightmares. I pleaded with him, even say I'm tiny and we both can fit in this one. He gave me the Jack look and a soft smile. He knows I need his touch. I know he wants to say yes. I will want more when I'm better but I just need to be wrapped in his arms and feel his skin.

He said he is tempted to, but because it's a head injury and I am wired up with tubes feeding and hydrating me, he doesn't want to risk it. He pushed the fold-up bed as close as he can to mine at night while still giving the nurse access to me. At least I can reach out to touch his face or hold his hand. He does the same with me.

Jack bought a high-definition video camera that has a fold out screen. I get videos of Aaron now in addition to seeing him a few times a week. Jack plays them on the small screen or he can plug it into the hospital t.v. with input cords so we want to watch it together for evening entertainment.

Sayid started to put them on DVD for me. Jack installed a player in my hospital room. I can watch Aaron anytime now. My friends and family are in the background of the videos. I miss my little bug and all of them. It was thoughtful of them to do that for me.

It cheers me up and makes me miss everyone at the same time.

* * *

I just read my whiteboard. I am in St. Sebastians hospital. Today is Thursday. I have been here 18 days. I have a grade 3 concussion. I have 16 sutures on my head. I don't touch the NJ tube. Dad will be at Camp Haan today so no visiting.

The stitches itch sometimes, but I'm grateful they didn't shave the entire back of my head, only the area they needed to repair. Jack said it's less than an inch in width and my hair will easily cover it as it grows in. The doctor said the sutures will come out soon. I am counting the minutes but not literally.

I had an unfortunate accident after a severe panic attack. Jack finally told me about it. I didn't understand why he wouldn't tell me before. The problem was he did tell me in the first few days when I was finally alert. It made me panic again and they had to medicate me, something they were hesitant to do unless necessary.

The medical team still needed to figure out the extent of my brain injury, which can take days. Sedating someone who has trouble staying awake, but out of control with panic is a medical catch-22.

Jack struggles with what happened. He looked so guilty when he told me about it. He blames himself for what happened. My memory retention is still messed up because sometimes I forget how bad he feels and I ask him about a part I forgot.

I run through it in my head, making sure all the pieces are there. It's scary that I lost a recent chunk of time from my brain and some other memories were affected.

I wish I could write it on the whiteboard, "Do not ask Jack about the accident! It makes him feel like crap!"

If I was able to, he would just erase it and say, "Kate, you can ask me anything." Maybe he feels like it's his punishment having to retell the story. He's angry at himself but doesn't yell. He talked softly but there's tension. I can see it in his eyes.

If he was a monk in the middle ages, he would be self-flagellating for penance.

* * *

I was thinking about Jack's description of the accident. I still have questions about why he feels so guilty and blames himself. I go over it in my mind sometimes to make sure I didn't forget any details. The memories aren't returning so I have to go by what I'm told. I run through the list in my head over and over.

It happened after dinner.

He had put Aaron to bed.

I was jumpy and anxious.

He had no idea during our meal I was feeling that way.

I had a high pulse and didn't want to talk about it.

He made me sit and kept trying to get me to tell him, hoping it would de-escalate whatever was going on in my head.

I panicked and ran away from him to our bedroom, falling over his snow gear.

I was in the corner.

He followed me and wanted to give me some medication to calm me down to avoid a full-blown attack.

It was too late.

I escalated quickly from anxious to extreme panic attack.

I was worried and scared about the POAs and Guardianship we had discussed before.

I said things that still trouble him. What did I say? Did I forget this part?

I passed out from not being able to breathe.

When I fell, I hit the back of my head on the sharp, metal side of his snow ski.

The force of my falling body weight pushed it in deep and forward.

It sliced my scalp to the bone.

The pressure caused it to scrape my skull.

Jack called 911.

I was out a long time, too long.

He's a neurosurgeon that specializes in spinal surgery. He was afraid he was going to lose me.

He was counting to 5 to stay calm while trying to wake me.

He placed a folded towel under my head against the cut.

He said I was losing too much blood.

He couldn't put much pressure on it because he realized saw injury was worse than a laceration.

He couldn't move me because of unseen damage to my skull or brain.

He had to wait for the EMTs to stabilize my head and neck to transport me on an EMT spinal flat board.

Hurley told me the next part:

Jack called the Reyes house and his Mom after 911 to come over.

Someone had to take Aaron.

They all made it after he had left.

A pediatrician unit doctor and trusted friend, living in a nearby condo was watching Aaron.

Aaron never woke, despite the noise and chaos.

The bedroom was cleaned and is clear of gear now.

Jack broke the skis into bits in anger using a sledgehammer and threw them in the dumpster along with all of his snow gear.

Margo had a cleaning and restoration crew come in to clean up remaining mess quickly so Jack wouldn't return and see it.

The Reyes family took Aaron initially.

Hurley left the condo almost immediately after arriving because the sight of it made him sick. He's not good with blood.

I tried to tell Jack it was an accident. What were the chances I would panic, flee and fall? It's only the third panic attack I've had since the rescue. He said that's one too many. He will explain why he's responsible later, then I can decide if I think he's guilty or not. In the meantime, I'm getting medication and treatment to help me so it doesn't happen again. He is adamant.

I gave him the authority by signing the hospital's standard Medical Power of Attorney over to him. He wields it like a sword with his standing there and gets anything and everything he thinks I need.

* * *

Dad sits with me and Jack during visitation sometimes. I was in a foul mood about not being able to sit up or walk. I can't be held or lay in Jack's arms. I can't hold my baby. I can't leave the room. I can't take showers. I can't even sit in the chair without being tied in it. I asked if we can all just pretend we're in the living room and I'm not in this f-ing bed?

Dad gave me a stern look. I automatically said, "Sorry, Dad." He shook his head and said to Jack he didn't want me to be a potty mouth. I know why. He's heard enough of it in the field. When he came back from being deployed, he didn't want to hear it from his pretty daughter, his Katydid.

Dad called me Katydid sometimes like when I was growing up. Dad usually calls me "Peanut" because I was so small and I looked like a peanut in my sonogram.

Jack asked why Katydid?

Dad explained a Katydid is a pretty, green little bug that looks like a leaf. It blends perfectly into a tree, same as I did. It can hide from predators with its natural disguise. He said I made him think of one with my green eyes and wearing my child-sized camos. I could scale a tree and disappear in the canopy of leaves.

Dad told Jack I scaled tree heights beyond simple bone breaks if I would have fallen. He tried not to be nervous. He coached me on how to find the best branches, footholds, forks, and to brace myself. He didn't want to hold me back. He wanted to teach me how to keep myself safe in case he wasn't there.

He knew I climbed a lot in Iowa, sometimes to escape the house. He trusted me to listen to him. I did. I never fell. Dad said that with pride in his eyes.

He doesn't know about the heights I climbed daily to feed over 40 people in our camp. They can thank Sergeant Major Sam Austen for the daily fruit pile.

* * *

Grandpa Sam doesn't see my doodle bug every day but does visit Aaron several times a week. It's mainly when Aaron's at Margo's. Jack asked privately with me if he should ask Dad's intentions towards her.

I told him don't you dare. He was teasing. Margo and Dad get along great.

Jack said his Mom is acting strange. He's not sure what to think. She's dressing in clothes that are colorful, her hair is fixed up, he's even seen her blush when laughing while Dad's visiting Aaron.

She goes out of her way to make sure Dad is comfortable. They usually have dinner together, alternating feeding Aaron baby food, swapping stories about Jack and I at that age. Dad stays to help put Aaron to bed.

Margo seems happy, more than Jack's seen her in a long time. They obviously have at least one shared interest. They both love Aaron, now their grandson since Margo claimed Aaron as hers too.

Dad wouldn't officially date Margo without proper intentions being made clear first. He would have to be local for that to happen. I'm okay with the idea of Dad and Margo being companions or more. He's a good man and would take care of her. He would treat her like a lady with love and respect.

He wasted it on Diane. Margo would have an attentive, loyal man, the best of them, to help her forget about any baggage after married to Christian.

What are the chances of that happening, even after he retires here? He's not the country club, gala kind of man, but would be a handsome figure at those events in dress uniform. He loves the outdoors. Would she be open to that?

It's hard to find someone like Dad in my generation. Jack has a lot of those qualities but has demons from his father to bury that he chases and runs from alternately. He's also impulsive and reactive at times.

Maybe Dad's influence, if he lived here, and some therapy would at least get rid of that baggage. I love Jack. If I am working on being better, then he should be too.

He was affected by the crash and things that happened in his life. We both were.

* * *

Jack, Dad and Hurley were here at visitation time. They are house hunting for us. I knew it but didn't know they would bring things for me to look at. They have booklets for the houses they screened with pictures of the inside, outside, amenities and building information.

Hurley had legal documents drawn up so I could sign over permission for Jack and Hurley to act jointly on my behalf to bid and buy a house if I select one. They will take care of the paperwork and dealings with any realtor. I also signed a paper for my investor, same as Hurley's, to authorize them to use funds for a house purchase.

Jack said I can be the boss. They will do all the work to make my dream a reality. Dad and Jack both have criteria in addition to mine when it comes to a home. Jack has it narrowed down to a neighborhood that would be a 20-minute commute in good traffic, 30 tops because there are streets he can take to pull off the highway early either way to get to work.

The community is gated with a high, black steel fence with spikes. It has a security guard in a station during the day. There are security cameras that capture the car, license plates and passengers as they enter and exit. It has a code for visitors to call the house. The resident has to approve them after confirming who it is and buzz the person in from the gate. The residents have a separate code to not share with anyone. Hopefully it will be a media deterrent. Damn vultures!

It has everything I wanted, houses with yards that are 10 years or less, 4 to 5 bedrooms, small parks, families with small kids and babies and schools that are highly rated. L.A. is so condensed that there's no bussing except for handicapped children. Parents drive their kids or they walk. The elementary school is 1 mile away.

They aren't showing me the prices. Jack said he doesn't want my "midwestern mind" to have "California sticker shock." He, Hurley and Dad agreed on that. Jack promised if I pick one I like, they will talk price with me and start negotiating.

I love one in particular. I won't have to do much to it. It's beautifully landscaped, has everything I wanted in the backyard, pool with spa and child safety fence with water sensors if anything touches breaks the surface, fire pit, outdoor grill built in stone, patio paver stones, a back area for a garden, an area up front that can be converted with a mini-playground playset for Aaron.

There are 5 bedrooms and an upstairs laundry. The 5th bedroom is converted to an office downstairs. Jack can use that for work. The floor plan is open and has the large, marble counter table top with chairs and people can cook and talk from living room to kitchen the open space. I like the wood floors and carpet combination. Everything is well-maintained, no pets and the owners are non-smokers.

I told Jack that one. That's what I want. It could have been made just for us. Jack gave Hurley and Dad a pleased look. He will come back with more information and make an offer.

Maybe Jack wanted the same one unless there's something I'm missing.

Just think! I could be a homeowner soon! Just the thought of it makes me feel thrilled. A real home! We will finally have a place for Aaron and any other babies can grow up. I can have family and friends over. I will finally have home I can invite people without fear or shame for the first time in my life.

I won't count my chickens before they're hatched but felt a flood of joy in my heart. The men in my life are making one of my oldest dreams come true, even though I am stuck in the hospital. I love them for that!

* * *

My stitches are out finally! Thank God! I can finally get my hair washed, although I can't stand up to use the shower yet. The nurses bathe me and wash my hair in a plastic basin.

I have grown attached to some of them after I got over the shame of being physically cared for. They are senior nurses, mostly in their 40's and 50's. They fuss over me and take their time with washing my hair gently. They even take time to detangle and condition it with products Nahid sent to make it curl and shine. Nahid just had another baby and can't visit.

Having clean hair is the best feeling in the world. I know my body enjoys other richer and more intense experiences with Jack, but it feels like a shell and container for my brain at times with inactivity. When I'm awake, I talk a little or am quiet and thinking, running through memories in my head like a list to see if I miss a step.

I can't explain it the feeling being washed, especially my hair, evokes. Memories float to the surface that are pleasant from a time when Dad and Diane were together: My toys and Fisher Price boat comes to mind with the little people to ride inside with the yellow, plastic string to pull it. I chewed on the string sometimes. I had bubble baths, a toy station that attached to the faucet that had buttons to make something twirl, beep, and a little pull rope to ring a bell. They would let me play and washed my hair, rinsing it with a cup while I had a small washcloth over my eyes.

They are good memories, the kinds I want my babies to have. It's almost infantile but being in the hands of caring women, I feel like a child again. It's an old and new feeling at the same time. It's a type of maternal love I missed out on after Diane told Dad to leave. I absorb it, the TLC of mothers, and am starting to feel reconnected to my body.

* * *

I get to see Aaron a few times a week. I miss my doodle bug, holding him, everything. He's changing and I can see it. He still gets frustrated I can't hold him and apparently "Dada" is his word of choice when he's unhappy.

He's very vocal now. He also says "ga" and "ba." I don't know if "Dada" just a sound to him or he's complaining directly to Jack. It's disheartening that I can't hold him but funny to me that Jack gets scolded for it.

Aaron is still going on 5 months (6) now. He eats baby cereal and organic baby food, the carrots and bananas so far, along with formula.

Jack tried to make me feel better about not holding Aaron, putting him beside me with support. It failed. My little busy boy can't sit next to me without getting into mischief. He grabs and is now a baby ninja. He focuses in on something and snatches it fast.

Jack sat next to me and Aaron was leaning over to get my i.v. tubes running out of my hands. When I try to kiss him, he wanted to grab the NJ Tube, a big no-no. He's a curious little man.

I wish I could put my arms around him. It's funny how something like holding your baby can mean so much when you can't do it anymore.

I miss holding your body, little bug, and rocking you to sleep.

* * *

I have been through a lot of testing and not just medical. I had a neuropsychological exam over several days and hours spread apart. It was taxing to my brain. The testing included forms sent to Jack and my Dad to answer questions about me the best that they could. They included Dad since he knew my long-term history.

They had to read a list of questions and shade a dot for never, rarely, sometimes, a lot, all the time, doesn't apply. I think those were the dot choices plus a yes and no section. I had one too but it was read to me and the doctor sat close to me and shaded my answer. The results were reviewed by two neuropsychologists and both were in agreement at the diagnosis.

I have been officially diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. The doctors also diagnosed me with PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, stemming from crash, living and giving birth on the island, experiences including isolation when I was running, and from trauma I suppressed when growing up. Any one of those alone could have led to PTSD.

I built up big, strong walls to keep me from showing my emotions after Wayne moved in. I refused to cry when I got whipped. It made him mad and hit harder. Those walls kept me from releasing emotions like shame, hurt and anger in a healthy way. Now I have an ocean of emotion trying to escape when something triggers me.

My "triggers" could be things I worry about, bad memories, something that happened to me or I witnessed, etc. I didn't used to be like that before the island. I could contain everything and keep it locked up tight inside of me with a blank or irritated look the best I could. Tears were for the shower if I couldn't help it.

I don't always escalate into a full attack, especially if the source is addressed quickly. Lately it's been how I perceived my friends and Jack will feel about me post-rescue. That was troubling me with our return to civilization along with the possibility of going straight to jail.

Then the awful CNN news station targeted me. After that, the POA and Guardianship issue plus fear of Widmore plagued me. I was desperate to have a safety net for Aaron.

The doctor said a lot of people have "triggers" that cause them to overreact due to past trauma or baggage but PTSD goes way beyond that.

I wonder what the doctors would think if they knew about how many times a gun was held to my head, when I got knocked out by Daniel or Charlotte with a rifle butt, being kidnapped, and gagged?

What about being left in cuffs in the Others' locker room for hours and failing to get out of them after an odd breakfast with Ben where I refused to eat? I was angry and felt objectified in that flimsy dress. My attempts to get loose were so desperate I covered my wrists with shampoo, put the chain between the cuffs over a locker door and hung by my bodyweight trying to slip out.

The pain was excruciating. It failed. The locker door broke and I fell over the wood bench and onto the concrete floor. I cried for a long time with my torn up wrists, then was imprisoned in a polar bear cage and made to break rocks in that flimsy silk dress with men leering at me.

I was a pawn for Jack to do surgery and Alex had whispered they had plans for me after. What they planned, I don't know, but I'm sure it wasn't an induction to their selective group of mad scientists, gun-happy morons and kidnaped survivors who were brainwashed into thinking they were "good" and that's why they were selected.

What about the mind games Ben Linus played with us? Infighting among survivors? Friends dying? The smoke monster? Mysteries of the island? Polar bears? Soldiers for hire killing off our people? The freighter blowing up and watching Jin go with it? The helicopter crash and all the other crazy stuff I saw or experienced?

Realistically, I would think all of the survivors would have some form of it, on or off-island. They may not be panicking but maybe some would drown their sorrows, become depressed or do other things to drown or bury the pain while desperately trying to escape the waking nightmares that crawl around in all our heads, or just go mad.

The Anxiety Disorder and PTSD can be treated. It's not unusual to have both. They think I will have good results based on my overall psychological profile. The doctors said I would benefit from medication and therapy. It would be a long-term process.

It is worth the work. They said I will make progress along the way and have more and more good days with less anxiety or attacks, then start to have none most days. It will make me a balanced person.

I bit my lip when a doctor said that to Jack because I would have to lie about things on the island. The doctor didn't see me do that. I would also have to take a walk down memory lane through my childhood, something I don't want to do.

If the latter part, talking about growing up in Ames with the step-monster, makes me a better mom to Aaron, I will do everything they tell me, except expose The Lie or talk about any legal matters.

I don't want to lie. People lie, then they can't remember the lie. The story alters or changes each time they tell it. The truth is the truth and easy to remember. The more detailed a lie, the harder it is to keep straight over time.

* * *

Sometimes, Sayid and Nadia will come together to visit. Visits aren't long with anyone. If there's anything important to discuss, it happens soon after the visitor arrives.

After saying hello and being asked how I was doing and vice versa, Sayid asked me about Dad. He knew he was in town but hadn't crossed paths with him. He asked if my father would accept a dinner invitation with Jack to their new home? They bought a house and moved in after their wedding.

I thought a moment and said yes. Dad would like that. He would rather be a peace keeper in other countries than fighting battles. I responded that Dad would be glad to sit at a table with him as a friend.

They both were pleased. Sayid is a former soldier himself, so his next question didn't surprise me. He asked how to address him. I told him initially address him as Sergeant Major Austen and Sayid should say it first. He will correct him and give them something less formal to call him. It's a sign of respect for his rank to call him by title when civilians meet him.

I gave them a heads up that Dad is required by this Army jurisdiction to wear his uniform at all times, even when on leave. There are different uniforms for different occasions. At his rank, it's a requirement. He's representing the army wherever he goes.

Nadia asked about food. Did my Dad have preferences or allergies? I said if she feels like cooking, he'll probably eat everything they put in front of him. He's been overseas a long time eating rations in the field or in a mess hall. Home-cooked anything is his favorite meal. She should choose things they like.

Nadia was pleased and I could see she was already thinking about it. They kissed me goodbye, Sayid my right hand and Nadia my cheeks in the 3-kiss tradition. They seem happy, still in the honeymoon bubble. They held hands walking out except when Sayid let her leave first, always a gentleman.

I looked forward to hearing about it. I wished I could go.

* * *

I am able to sit up finally in bed as long as I want. It's the closest I've felt to being normal so far. It's easy to take sitting upright for granted. Jack is pleased with my progress. It's slow but happening. Next step is to get me up and standing for a short period and the steps after will progress quickly until I start walking again with help. There's concern about my equilibrium being off since everything isn't healed yet. Plus I've been inactive and lost muscle tone.

I'm fine with taking things slowly but I don't want one of those walkers. My legs were meant to run, not scoot an aluminum aide. I told Jack no walkers.

He said we will deal with it one step at a time, literally. Put it out of my cute little head. Jack grinned and gave me several small kisses on my face making me giggle.

He sat down on the bed again after and said he loves my laughter. He misses it. He misses everything about me, even when I get frustrated with him or roll my eyes. He misses snuggling with me or the way we hold hands, his so large and mine tiny. We have a unique way of holding hands when we walk. His hands are so large that I have to holds his like a child's, palm to palm with my fingers tips wrapped around the side of his first finger, but I slip my pinkie between his first and second fingers. It's intimate, like interlacing fingers, but his hands are too large for me to do that for long.

Jack said he likes my Dad but is sometimes intimidated by him.

I asked if Dad is giving him a hard time.

He said sometimes, but any man would for his daughter. He's glad Dad wants to get to know him, although it's sometimes uncomfortable. He feels like he's in his 20s 's doing that because we live together and we're discussing marriage.

It doesn't matter that I'm 27, I'm still his daughter.

Jack said would do the same to any guy wants to take our daughter on a date, but he and I, as adults, are already down the path, living together with a baby. He will respectfully answer whatever my Dad asks.

He promised me to ask my Dad formally for my hand when the time comes. He was planning on it anyways.

* * *

Dad and Jack were coming at visitation. I found out they had dinner at Sayid's and Nadia's. I've been waiting impatiently to hear about it. Jack said he didn't want to tell it without my Dad there. He said Dad may enjoy telling me himself. Jack gave me a mysterious smile but I figured it went okay.

Before visitation, Jack was relaxed and playful that day, rubbing my feet and moving my legs, massaging and stretching them to help me retain flexibility. He does this several times a week. It's therapeutic, fun, even pleasurable to have his hands working the length of my legs and arms. My body wakes up when his hands and fingers are on them. He likes it too, gives me a naughty look and tells me to hold that thought. We have a lifetime for that and will make up for lost time when I come home.

Dad showed up during visitation hours. He seemed relaxed too. He asked if I already found out.

I said no, Jack made me wait but that's okay. I want to hear to hear all about it.

Dad smiled, took off his hat, unbuttoned his coat and asked how I was doing.

I said "I'm the same, Daddy, but you already know that. Will you please tell me what happened?" His eyes twinkled at that. I didn't call him Daddy much, but he likes hearing it.

He said that "Jack here" learned a little about Iraqi culture before dinner. Dad lived in Iraq when deployed and was familiar with traditions and customs. He had sent Jack on a mission to find a high-quality brand of chocolates, a big box of them, along with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. It's important to bring a gift. The money amount spent isn't important as it being appropriate. They had a new house and are newly married. The chocolates could be enjoyed by them or served to guests if they chose.

They took their shoes off at the door. Jack wore a suit like Dad instructed him to. He was glad he did. Sayid wore a suit and Nadia wore a pretty dress. Dad wore his uniform, as always. Sayid was glad to see Dad, as Dad was him. They shook hands and were welcomed in.

Dad made sure Jack handed over the chocolates with both hands to Sayid and he presented the flowers with his right hand to Nadia since the left hand used alone was offensive. Sayid had greeted Dad with his military title but Dad told him and Nadia they could call him Sam.

I tried to avoid eye contact with Jack. Jack still calls him Mr. Austen. Sam or even Dad is probably reserved for after we are married as long as Dad still approves of him.

Sayid noticed Dad remembered their traditions. Dad said Sayid is sharp, he was as a young man as well. He doesn't miss a thing. Dad told them he got to know some nice locals when he was in Iraq and learned about their culture. Iraqi people had the best hospitality that rivaled his family down south and he loved the food.

They drank coffee before dinner. Tea was the other option, which is traditional. They talked about things like my progress, the house I'm buying, how Aaron was doing, and about Sayid's working in security now for Hurley's company. Nadia let them know when dinner was ready. She already had it on the table.

The dinner was fantastic according to Dad and Jack. Dad had advised him to put on his plate only what he will eat. It was the clean plate club. If he left any on his plate it would indicate he wanted more to them.

The newlyweds spoke about their families in Iraq after being asked. They were doing much better and had a better standard of living now that Sayid was able to help them, as was his duty to his parents. They also talked about the wedding. Nadia proudly pointed out our wedding gift to them on the dining room wall.

They didn't speak about the time in Iraq except my Dad said he remembered Sayid was a good man at heart. He could see it in his eyes. Sayid thanked him and said he felt the same about Dad, and even figured out the connection because of our last name Austen. He found out I learned tracking and other skills from my Dad who was in the deployed overseas in the army. He confirmed details with me and was amazed out of all the people in the world, to be on the same plane and survive the crash with Sam's daughter when so many others had died, was a truly miracle.

Sayid told him how hard I worked to help, feeding them by gathering fruit. I was kind and helpful to everyone, even him, not knowing his background. It has been hard since 9-11 as a Muslim not to be judged, especially in an airport or plane. I was one of the first to befriend and trust him. He said it was good to be accepted and not asked about his past. He respected me, my skill and concern for everyone and my bravery. I would have made him proud.

Sayid and Nadia were sorry I was unwell but encouraged by my progress. They see me as a sister and close friend and love Aaron. They complimented my Dad on having such a fine grandson and said I was a wonderful mother.

The evening ended well. They were sure they would cross paths again and hopefully get together when I was discharged and ready to receive guests.

Dad said he enjoyed the dinner with Sayid and Nadia with Jack and thanked me for the reintroduction.

He was also proud of me to recognize Sayid as a quality man and not be narrow-minded like some people. Dad said lack of diversity in races and culture in a town made some people ignorant and racist. We're all human and have more in common than not. I can't stand that kind of ignorance. Neither can my Dad.

I said I was glad that they were able to meet again.

Dad said "It's a small world, isn't it, Peanut?"

* * *

True to their word, Jack and Hurley interviewed several attorneys on my behalf with my permission on documents Hurley's attorney drew up and I signed. They narrowed it down and have one candidate in particular they both think could be the right guy.

Duncan Forrester met me at the hospital for the entire visitation time for my final approval. I felt comfortable with him. He didn't blow smoke my way and say he will get me off of all the charges. He was completely prepared and organized. He had a kind demeanor and was respectful. He looked at me as a person, not as a fugitive and not with "that" look people used to give me when they first found out, even on the island.

He reviewed my case and my charges. He knows some are exaggerated or a cause and effect from the marshal overextending himself to bait me, trying to make me commit more crimes to keep the case hot and justify the expenses. It was obviously personal to him to blow up a small town, regional case. I bit the side of my lip and said nothing. I knew exactly when it turned personal. It was when I literally kicked Ed's butt out of his own car into the mud and drove off, leaving him and his nose I busted earlier.

This case was something that should have been handled in the local jurisdiction but is now being tried in L.A. due to it being a Federal case. He said it's to my advantage. Those good old boys back in Story County, Iowa are not a jury of my peers or unbiased. Some may have already made up their minds just based on rumors that grow and take on a life of their own over time. It's easy to assume in that sleepy area that everybody knew.

He isn't allowed to make promises but believes some can be reduced or waived. He also looked into the bank robbery and got permission from Hurley and Jack to contact the bank manager in Ruidoso, New Mexico, Mark Hutton.

Mr. Hutton said I had taken a toy airplane from a safe deposit box that I had the key for but wasn't on the signature card. Despite that, I touched no cash and saved the life of the Mr. Hutton by incapacitating the three male robbers.

I took Tommy's Douglas DC-3, his favorite toy. The marshal located in Tommy's car he was shot by police. I fled on foot in a stormwater runoff. It had been in our time capsule in Ames buried in a Back Street Boys lunch box when we were kids. It was his favorite toy that he wanted to include in our "time capsule" even though I teased him about it. He thought it was "cool." I didn't really mind that he did. That plane meant a lot to him since he got it from the airline for flying alone to Dallas to visit his aunt and uncle. Tommy could take my teasing any day of the week.

I didn't tell this to Duncan, but I coordinated the robbery, but was only after that plane. I can remember this story.

Marshal Edward Mars purposely hid it from me and told me which city it was in, nothing more. He was baiting me. Why else would he do that? He taunted me over the phone when I had called him again to plead extenuating circumstances and only told me the city it was in.

It took a while to track down but I found it and the guys willing to do the job at the lure of cash. I even used Jason to do the work for me and let him recruit two friends to help. He was a low-life. I did it all for Tommy's DC-3. It was a symbol, of my only friend, my loss of innocence before we buried it, and at the time of the crime, his death.

We got in the bank vault. Mr. Hutton still thought I was a customer and hostage. Things blew up when Jason took off his mask and ratted me out saying I set the whole thing off. He was going to shoot Mark Hutton in the head and said it was to clean up after himself.

I grabbed a gun from one of his idiot friends, pointed it at Jason then shot him in the knee. He was pissed. I grabbed his gun and used both to simultaneously the other two in their knees in separate parts of the room. I did it to save Mr. Hutton. He was innocent and I was willing for Jason to shoot me versus another innocent person dying because of me. Nobody knows the truth. Jason knows most of it but didn't even know my name. He probably does now though as he rots in jail. I bit down on my thumb pad while I listened silently in my hospital bed, not responding.

Duncan went on to say Mr. Hutton stated Jason pointed a gun to his head and said he was going to kill him to leave not witnesses. This was after he took his mask off. That was accurate.

Mr. Hutton has two small children and a wife and would be happy to make a statement on my behalf or come to testify if needed. He said Jason blamed me for masterminding it but Mr. Hutton didn't believe it.

I still didn't respond, thinking of the events and how I felt about what happened. Regret, anger at myself for putting innocent people in danger, the risk, the stupidity, all for a childhood memento. Was it worth it? No. I was so alone and lonely at the time and had little of myself or my past left to cling to.

Marshal Edward Mars didn't get me. He was a know it all and said I had no attachments, nobody I cared about. I care about people. I love deeply. I do have attachments. I ran out of guilt, shame and inability to commit back then. I hated myself right down to the blood in my veins, partly Wayne's.

Duncan said he will go through each charge and review what happened with me at a later date. If he represents me he will do two things immediately:

First, he will file as my attorney of record on the case.

Second, he will gather doctor statements in letter form addressed to the judge to confirm my injuries, trauma from the crash and giving birth on the island, current medical issues including diagnosis and prognosis and ask for a delay of trial for at least a year.

He knows the judge personally. It's a high-profile case but the judge is severely backlogged. There's more than enough justification here for him to put it off so I can be fit to stand trial. At least I will have a time frame now to prepare.

He felt confident it will be approved. The judge won't want to deal with the backlash of the media and elections coming up.

The media is fickle and went from speculating about my going to jail to lauding me as a hero and now a tragic figure, the survivor who gave birth, now in critical condition. I found the change in how they portray me hard to believe.

The court will set a date based on the first extension, then paperwork starts and several things have to happen before we ever get to trial. It will takes months to prepare. Jury selection is crucial and will take a while. The DA only has Diane as their star witness. She didn't witness anything firsthand. She assumed.

He informed me the house had a gas leak and there was no source found that ignited the explosion. This was public knowledge already. The farm house was in disrepair. The remaining pipes, gas and water, were found to be corroded badly, in need of replacement.

They couldn't pin it on me, only insinuate with Diane as the "star witness" and try to sway the jury. I sighed. He stopped and looked at me, waiting to see if I would speak but I just looked at him.

Duncan said, "Kate, it's not about what happened, it's about what you can prove in court." It was an interesting statement about our judicial system.

What was I willing to do to stay free, raise Aaron and spend the rest of my life trying to do better, be better and not hate and doubt myself anymore? Be silent?

He will do his best to prove I deserve to be free. He told me the jury has to be unanimous in vote to convict me on charges.

Off the record, Duncan stated everything I've been through with the crash and now is punishment enough. Despite any attempts of the DA to slander me, several public polls now show the majority of people are sympathetic to my case, favoring exoneration.

That puzzled me.

Ironically, Diane is being villainized along with Wayne. Diane has been called out for turning me in, her own daughter, after letting me be raised in a bad home.

Apparently, due to lack of access to me, some news reporters has been to Ames, Iowa.

Downtown locals said in interviews I was a good girl growing up, likable, a straight-A student, and they talked highly of my Dad, Sam, and his being an officer in the Army and a well-liked man. They said I was his shadow as a girl.

Locals also said Wayne was a mean drunk that beat Diane. They suspected he beat me too. It was explained that Wayne's brother was sheriff, now transferred, and his brother-in-law used to be mayor. His family turned a blind eye to the plight, despite the fact everyone knew about it.

The media has commentators now, more than ever. They said I should have been removed by child services. They bring on experts who tell parents and people who work with children to watch for warnings signs of abuse and give them a hotline to call.

It's good that they including how to help kids at risk with me as a cautionary tale. Ironically, those same busybodies that were interviewed knew didn't lift a finger to help me or Diane in Ames, not even call child services.

Child Services didn't report to the mayor or police chief.

He said the media did the same thing with celebrities, flipping on a dime. Alex Baldwin was the devil for his mean voicemails to his daughter, Ireland, but later was lauded the come back king with the "30 Rock" on t.v. People were scrambling to hire him for commercials, films, everything.

The media is now working in my favor and we were going to keep it that way.

I liked him. I told him I want to hire him but will talk to Jack and have him confirm and work out the rest of the details. I also asked him to keep in mind my memory gets blank spots sometimes if we talk. He understood.

He shook my hand and then patted it kindly. He said don't worry about anything now. That's his job. Just focus on getting better and we'll talk when I'm doing better or if he needs a signature.

I felt relieved after the meeting with Duncan. The medication helped keep me calm while listening and thinking, the news about the media turning the tide was an interesting turn of events.

The fact that I found out the sale on the house will close next week and be mine doesn't hurt either. I will own my dream house!

Jack strolled in after my meeting with Duncan.

I told him to hire that man.

* * *

I am doing better with physical therapy and am now allowed to use the shower with help to, from and while I am in there. Of course, Jack assists me with that. The nurses don't anything. They just leave extra towels, shower items and close my room door. The shower is double wide and has rails and a seat for me to sit in if needed.

He stripped naked after taking off my hospital gown, but only washed me and my hair. He said sex is off limits but holds me part of the time, careful of my i.v., while we are in there with the warm water pouring over us. It's hard because my body, still weak, gets wound up at the sight of him undressed, his touch, scent and being skin to skin. It's intoxicating. I am ready and willing as long as he does all the work and lets me pay him back in the future.

I can tell he gets affected too. His breathing changes and he can't control his body's reaction. Part of me wants to push the envelope a bit and see if he'll give in. I don't think it will take much, but sigh and allow him to fold me in his arms, kiss and hold me for a while. I don't want him to reassign me to the nurses to wash, so I don't push my luck.

Since I have been improving, the hospital is looking at discharging me but I have to come back for physical therapy, get therapy from a psychologist and checkups with Dr. Geoff. If any major issues arise, I have to go back in.

I am on a daily medication that helps rein in my anxiety and racing thoughts and just had the NJ tube removed a few days ago, hence, the award of showering with my Jack.

* * *

Dad will be leaving soon. I wish he could stay longer, but am so grateful he came and was able to stay so long. He said he wasn't leaving until I turned the corner. He warned us he never wants his CO to pull him aside again unless it's good news and will update us on his next leave. He will be visiting us in our new home.

Dad asks me about Jack during a visit. Dad is thoughtful and has observing Jack's behavior for some time now, actions, words and is getting a good look at the type of man he is. He's been with staying with at our condo. He sees Jack's life has been wrapped around getting me better, watched how he treats me, him, the doctors, Aaron, Margo, the Reyes family, and people right down to the cafeteria workers, whom Jack is polite to and thanks by name.

Dad likes what he sees but said the jury is still out on a few things. I unconsciously flinch a little at the word "jury" and he pats my knee and says, "Sorry, Katie. Old saying. Old habit." I asked him why he didn't approve?

He said it's not that he doesn't approve. Jack is a fine man. He just feels Jack drives himself hard and takes too much on himself, especially for being a doctor. He can't separate himself from it or let the other doctors' do their jobs and just be supportive of me.

He's seen a few men in the field try to take blame or guilt for death of fellow squadron members. It ends up making them overcompensate and not think right. Squadron comes before individual soldier. They become impulsive, unreliable as a member of the team and put not just themselves, but their unit at risk to be injured or killed. A soldier knows their priorities. It's ingrained in them starting in bootcamp. They are taught to obey chain of command, orders, and priorities are ingrained early in training. They need work as a unit to maximize effectiveness in the field to be successful with minimal injuries and casualties.

He wondered once we settled will Jack need a mission or something to fix next or would he be able to make his family a priority? His going back to work when he could choose to do something less demanding, even pursue a dream of his own, not his father's dream for him, is concerning, especially with his past track record.

Dad thinks it's an impulsive move and Jack really needs to think that one through. He is risking a lot, things he could regret losing if he's not careful. Dad gave me a poignant look. I won't argue. Dad is wise and I respect his viewpoints. I will mull over it after visiting hours.

Dad wants me to be happy. If Jack's the one, he will approve but he felt like Jack needed to work some things out. He isn't getting any help for issues he may have from the crash and problems before that. There's no shame in getting help. Dad got some intel from Margo during his time here.

I hear genuine care and affection for Jack in his voice. I can't disagree. I have the same concerns.

He asked me how I felt about Jack. I blushed and said I love him, really love him, like him, and respect him. He's a good man, he works hard and is good to me and Aaron.

Then a phrase popped in my head unbidden. _Jack said he was dragging his feet_. I just remembered it and shook my head a little. Jack had said he was dragging his feet when we talked, but when?

Dad asked me what I'm thinking of. I looked at Dad and said I can't remember something and it bothers me. I frowned. He asked if he should bring Jack in for me to ask.

I said no, don't, please. It's kind of personal.

Dad nods but now he has a question mark planted in his head too. I hope I didn't make Jack look bad. I have no doubt Dad will ask Jack later himself later.

He's in for a grilling and it's my fault.

* * *

Jack came in almost on cue after Dad left. He was summoned to go to me by Dad to answer "an important question". Jack asked how my visit went and I said good. I bit my lip. He asked what I was thinking about.

I said I really don't want to say it because I don't want to pressure him. Jack gave me a penetrating look with his brown eyes, one I can't hide from. I said I remembered he said he was "dragging his feet", not the context.

Jack sat on my bed next to me. I was in a reclining position and scooted over. He laid next to me, one leg hanging off the side, and snuggled me to his chest with his left arm. He said it's something we should talk about. He will talk. I just need to listen. If I forget again, just ask and never be afraid or worry about how he will react, okay?

I agreed, albeit a bit reluctantly. I will always care about how he feels.

He told me he was dragging his heels on proposing to me by Valentine's Day and felt bad about it. He said many things to me about our future and things he wants with me before then. He meant all of it. He's told me how much he loved me. He wants us to be together always. Sun had talked to him back then and warned him he better make good on his fancy words to me.

We had a romantic weekend at Spanish Bay. Do I remember that? I nodded. He asked me what I remembered. I talked about dinners, massages, fire pit, something outside to watch.

He interjected and said it was the man circling the property at dusk playing the bagpipes. Did I remember that? I shook my head but his mentioning it brings back an image. I smile a moment, then concentrate.

The room. Flowers but I can't remember anything else except a necklace then bed and a little of our conversation. He said for me to be patient. I don't know why but it bothered me, whatever he said followed by be patient, and why he was dragging his heels.

Jack filled me in on everything I missed from the room, food, drink, extra gifts, jewelry, the songs, the dancing, my meaningful gifts him, then got to the talk. He filled me in on it, what he said to me before he confessed he was dragging his heels on proposing. Penny and Desmond were already married and expecting. Sayid and Nadia were in Tikrit and marrying around that time.

I asked why? Is he unsure about us? Is it me and Aaron? Is it my legal stuff? I flinched a little again.

He said he felt messed up from Dad issues. He wanted to bury his father, scheduled now for late July to give me the best chance of being there and still be in the 10-month window post-crash he was going for. He'll push it out again if he has to, he added. He won't do it without me in the front row. He needs me there. He sighed and looked down, thinking a moment. I stroked his arm hair a little under my hand while I waited, brushing it down.

I asked if I agreed?

He said yes. I was too kind and patient. He had promised me the moon already, the fairytale, and he's been too busy shadow boxing a ghost, delaying fulfilling his promises instead of moving ahead with me and Aaron as a family. He hurt me in the process. He apologized. He said he was jackass.

He knew before the accident I was worried about the POA documents and Guardianship. If we were married, it would be no question and he would want to adopt Aaron right way. There would be no need for any of it as a spouse and legal father.

The accident wouldn't have happened if he did the right thing. He didn't keep his word and give me an answer a few days after Spanish Bay like he promised me. He thought would be okay to delay the talk, speak to his attorney, then go on the trip right afterwards with the guys.

I had seemed okay and didn't question it. He never stopped to ask if I was really okay with a delay or did I need an answer before he left? Before the trip to Tahoe, he had already reviewed standard forms and signed them all at his attorney's office. He made the decision he was going to hand them to me after he returned from Tahoe.

It was a terrible decision.

He said I can't tell him he's not selfish when he delayed a few days for his own gratification. He knew I was worried but didn't bother to try to understand how much it was building up. He knew about my previous anxiety and panic issues.

It weighed on my mind and put doubts in my head, not just about his signing the docs but about us, my wanting to die instead of go away a long time, everything. He looked at me and gauged my reaction. I pursed my lips and said nothing, just listened. He was right so far.

He asked me to look at him. I looked up and met his troubled eyes. He said I was so far gone with the attack. I was over the cliff. I told Jack he should cut his losses. I said if I was sent to jail a long time I may as well be dead because I would have nothing to live for. Jack would find someone else. Aaron would never know me. Those words shook him to his very core.

He hopes I didn't mean it. I pressed my lips together. I didn't respond because I _did_ mean it, even though I am more optimistic about my legal prospects now. I'm not satisfied. I still have questions on work vs. family with Jack that only time will answer. It's going to be a tug of war vs. life balance.

How much does he want a family vs. proving he "has what it takes"? Doesn't he want to do something else? Be a university teacher maybe for Neuro Science or something?

I am not confident Aaron and I will win out and be the priority. As much as I love him, I can't make him do anything and won't force him, but I won't turn away. I have to give it time. It will lend clarity on what's going to happen. The signs, his actions, will tell me everything I need to know. I sat in silence with my thoughts.

He frowned a little. He said I have to tell him if I feel hopeless like that again. I said nothing so he continued.

I had the awful accident right after that. He said it's his fault and I can never say otherwise.

He had the documents right there, waiting for my co-signature. It was completely preventable.

He prayed more that night than he has in his entire life, begging for my life, my recovery. He said if I died, he would too. He couldn't live without me. If he had Aaron though, he would raise him the best he could, but he wouldn't be the same man.

I wanted to comfort him but was letting his words sink in instead. It was preventable. Only one thought came at the moment. I told him if I die first I want him to live, move on and be happy, even remarry if he finds love. Don't mourn over an empty shell buried underground. I'll wait for him somewhere.

He said he hopes it's heaven because he made a lot of bargains with God that night. He said I better not die first or he will be mad and hunt me down, even in the afterlife. He felt like he screwed up so badly with me. I'm recovering and he wants to make good on his promises: be a better man, father, and someday husband.

Jack took my hand in both of his. His long fingers and big palms make my hand look like a child's. Mine is cold so he rubs it first and blows on it to warm it up.

He said he wants to marry me, but doesn't have a ring now. He wants me well and healthy as possible. I don't have to be 100% cured and, but I need to be strong enough to enjoy it and hopefully dance at least once at our reception with him. He wants to do it the right way and plans on asking me after talking to my Dad, but timing will be a surprise.

I'm not supposed to expect it to be in the hospital or the day I get out. At least give him that. He suggests it might give me an incentive to work hard in rehabilitation so I don't need a walker down when I come down the aisle. It doesn't matter if the memorial is done yet or not. It's whenever I was medically ready. He'd do it tomorrow if I was.

He wants it all with me, marriage, adopt Aaron, give him siblings in the near future. These are the best years for me to consider it before more risks kick in, at age 35 and over.

He's so sorry it took a terrible accident for him to realize some things about himself he doesn't like. He's going to work on changing.

He hoped I would forgive him someday. He softly said to not answer now. I can wait until our 25th wedding anniversary to tell him, but he will do what he's been wanting to in the months to come. He will propose so we can move forward.

Jack said for me to think about quicker options for marriage except Vegas. He expects to be married and celebrating the holidays as an official family in our new house, thinking about or making another baby if I still want one, and whatever else I can dream of.

He had a few tears. I did too.

We kissed softly, more deeply with an edge of hunger and desire. I didn't have any stamina but would have welcome intimacy with him, the soft, gentle, loving intrusion in my body. My hand started to travel down his sculpted abs to his jeans.

He stopped and held my hand. He looked me in my eyes, a raw, open look, searching. I felt a little rejected. He said he wants me too. Soon enough, Kate. He kissed my nose and sat up on the bed, swinging both legs over.

I told him Dad's going to want to know what we talked about and you will probably tell him tonight. If you don't, he's going to think you're hiding something. I didn't say this to be cute. I wanted to warn him.

He gave little smile and said he's going to get his little bug. He'll be back.

I watched him leave. His bug? Aaron's my little bug!

* * *

I miss you doodle bug but am glad you are thriving with all of the grandparents caring for you! It looks like I get to share you and Jack will be your adoptive Dad someday.

I really hope you learn to say Mama. But, if you get angry, it's okay to say Dada instead.

I love you,

Mommy


	13. Chapter 13: Home, Hurley, Hotwired

_A/N: Thank you for the lovely reviews vinzgirl, sandyba, guests, LostArt. I needed to get out a few one-shots and Kate's Clean Slate - 5 chapters. Thank you for your patience! A few Flash Forwards are working their way into the story now starting again with Chapter 13. Keep the timeline in mind - any canon is based on the writers' story timeline, not the stunted S4 we got due to the writers' strike._

Chapter 13 is rated "M" for a few paragraphs of Jate love, not smut. If you are opposed to "M," please don't read it.

* * *

Dear Aaron,

It's so good to be at home. No more i.v.'s, beeping machines, hospital beds and people in and out of my room. It's so nice just to sit and hold you or play with you on the floor. You are getting so big!

You are officially 5 months old now (6) and a rolling machine! You love sitting up and don't just respond to people. You draw them in with your "Aaron speak," a combination of baby sounds and a new, messy trick Hurley taught you called "zerbers." You stick your tongue out and blow, spraying whoever is holding you while making a noise. It's not that bad. It's adorable and sloppy at the same time. I am suspicious Hurley has more neat tricks to teach you as you get older. Not only does Hurley have the biggest heart, but he has a sizeable sense of humor to go with it.

The house, our new home, is being prepared. It needs painting, furniture, new fixtures and the works. I have nothing to move except some clothes ours and your gear. Jack took me there after I was discharged and carried me in. He said it was tradition, even though we aren't married, but my balance wasn't 100% reliable yet either. It's everything I dreamed it would be. We are still in the condominium for now while I finish physical therapy. There's no rush.

I can't express how excited I am to have a real home, one that is pretty on the inside and outside. It's in a safe neighborhood with nice cars and decent looking families. People wave or stop by when the three of us come over to welcome us to the neighborhood and chat. I think most if not all recognize us but few mention anything about the airplane crash and none about my legal issues. I am guessing there is a buzz in the neighborhood but I have yet to see a suspicious car or photographer around.

My hair has grown in enough to cover the scar. My hair covered it anyhow, but now I don't have to strategically pin or clip it back to make sure it's hidden. I look normal except for the balance part sometimes and need to rebuild my muscle tone.

I hate feeling abnormal. I can't just take off and go jogging or rush to do things. It's kind of like having invisible shackles on my legs. Rushing leads to me physically crashing into a wall, door or falling and sucks. I miss freedom of movement. I don't need to escape necessarily. I have a burning desire to work hard and get better as soon as possible.

I kind of wonder if you'll be taking your first steps, then running before me. I am not going to let that happen. I am going to be able to do everything I could before including wear stilettos if I want to for myself or for Jack.

The high heels are an issue in more than one way, though. Sometimes we don't make it out the door. I have a few he calls f-me shoes that he said shouldn't leave the closet. He said he wants them for his eyes only and likes to strip me naked and have me wear the shoes only.

I love it when he talks like that. Jack can be so serious sometimes, like when he talks about work. I love all aspects of him but really love it when naughty Jack comes out to play. I wish he would have sooner but that could have been dangerous for us both on the island. We may have been too distracted to leave or I could have ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. It was too risky there and I wasn't ready.

I still need to work on short-term memory gaps but was told it should come back with time. The accident itself might never come back as memory because I lost consciousness around the same time. That's something I don't want to remember. It gives me the chills to think about it.

I am close to a normal weight for my height, back to 117 pounds, and cleared for all personal activities except driving so far.

Jack and I have been making up for lost time after putting Aaron to bed, but he treats me a little differently. He acts like I'm made of porcelain. He is tender. Making love is still satisfying but when I push for more intensity on his part, he tells me to wait. "Wait until you are better, Kate." It makes me want to figuratively bang my head against the wall.

My body and brain are doing okay. I think his brain may be a little traumatized still from witnessing what happened to me. He still feels guilty. Physically, I am getting frustrated. I don't know how he can exert so much control when we already know how satisfying it is to push each other's limits in bed or wherever we happen to be in flagrante delicto.

If I push I can get him to come along with me to that place, to be more intense and love me faster and harder, I think he will follow. I am at that point. My body physically wants us to go back to where we left off. He just needs to get back in the saddle to get over his jitters.

* * *

Jack drives me most places in my car, so getting around isn't an issue. I am chaffing at the bit because I can't just take off, but it's more of the concept versus me needing to go anywhere in particular. Both Jack and I take you, little man, to the park and walk to the hospital as needed for my appointments. There's a large medical building and facilities adjacent to it where I do my follow up care. Another good piece of news is my body is balanced so I am back on the pill with regular cycles again. That will be helpful if we decide to have kids in the future and get rid of the infertility risk.

Franc is back. He's my cooking teacher and colorful chef. He's delighted to be working for us again and to see how you have grown. You have little rolls and are always happy to see him. I usually park you in the high chair for his visits. He has homemade, organic baby food he whips up for you and we do taste tests, plus we are checking for potential allergies. You get a favorite baby food and one new one per visit. He makes enough for days and seals them carefully in small containers proportionate to one serving each for you.

I am amused at the fact that you love mango baby food. I don't care to ever see one again, but you must remember getting it in diluted form when nursing. That's your favorite flavor.

I love hearing the latest gossip and chatter from Franc. He still thinks Jack is easy on the eyes but never says it to his face. Jack likes that I have company so he can run errands or do some estate work. He's got some time but his Dad's Memorial is coming up in two months.

Jack has to deal with that plus he has his own trust fund and portion of the state he inherited to sort out. Apparently, the Shephard's own a lot of property including vacation homes, not just in the states, and other investments. Jack is the executor of his father's estate and has been working with the family's estate attorney.

I get to be home with you, but Grandma Margo or Abuela Carmen like to take you for visitation. Sometimes they will bring me along to so I can hang out with them, but other times they encourage me to stay home and rest. They each offer to watch you for our date nights, so we have to alternate to be fair.

You are in hot demand with the women already if Grandmas' count.

* * *

Margo asks about Dad. She has his information to stay in touch. I would call them friends but there's some mutual interest, even if it is reserved and old-fashioned.

I really miss my Dad. He left before I was discharged from St. Sebastians. He was preparing to be deployed again but said not to worry about it and gave his CO's information, his email address, mailing address and how to reach him in emergencies. The CO is who I would call in case he is on a mission.

I don't want him to leave. I want him to come back in one piece. I felt a yearning spiral up that hasn't for years, not since I was in school. I didn't want my Daddy to go.

I can't say how much it meant to me to have him here. I spent over three years thinking he hated me and I was a big disappointment. I ran from things I did after the house blew up and ran from Dad too.

He was my touchstone and the one stable parent in my life. I felt unmoored and without a rudder.

Nobody and nothing can replace a parent or family member that loves you unconditionally.

He still loved me when I was gone. Maybe, deep down somewhere, I might have known it but I had buried it under so much guilt, shame and self-revulsion that I convinced myself he hated me, the same as I hated myself.

I don't feel that way as much now, although guilt and anger at myself easily rise up over certain situations, mostly from the past. That's what I'm trying to work on. I look at things differently now as a parent. My mind and heart are still healing, but his visit kicked off the mending process between me and him, the first man I ever loved.

I would love you no matter what you would ever do, Aaron. That wouldn't change. I might be disappointed, sad or angry, but that goes away. Don't ever doubt my love for you. It may sound strange, but I love you more every day.

I didn't know I would feel that way about anyone, especially someone so tiny and helpless. I didn't picture myself as a Mom or having babies when I was younger. I was so wrapped around the axle trying to protect Diane, then surviving when I was on the run. When I ran from the marshal, I also ran from my life and family. I couldn't bring a baby into that situation. That's only one the reasons why I ran from Kevin. It was the pregnancy scare. I now see that I was missing out.

I believe I appreciate being a mom and having a loving father more than if I would have stayed in Ames. Most of the kids I went to school with stayed, married and went on working their family farms. Some went to local community college for a few years, but still came back and married their high school sweethearts.

That includes those mean girls I went to school with. I was around Ames still by the time I turned 24 years old and some were having their 2nd babies by then. Those were the girls that called me "slut" and other terrible things when I developed by my sophomore year. I did nothing to deserve that. I flew under the radar as a skinny, quiet kid prior. It was the defection of the boys, who turned their attention to me, that the girls into venomous creatures. It wasn't my fault. I did nothing to earn that moniker.

I've learned that's just one reason why I don't have a lot of female friends. It's part of my trust issues. I craved it but didn't trust females starting with my biological mother.

Now I have close women friends when before I had none. I learned what I missed out on. It's more important that ever to have them as a Mom.

I am rich beyond measure and ironically, it has nothing to do with what's in my portfolio or bank account. It has everything to do with Jack, Aaron, my Dad and the people in my life that I love and love me back.

* * *

Dad and I touched on a subject before he left that we never talk about. It was mentioned years ago before I ran off because I discovered a troubling secret about him versus my step-father. I don't want to talk much about the latter.

I was almost 24 and making a scrapbook of pictures for my Dad from old family photos of us. I found one that was dated before I was born of Diane pregnant. He was deployed in Korea the entire pregnancy and beforehand.

Dad had never told me. Neither did Diane. There I was, a 24 year old adult, finding out for the first time. I was beyond upset. It's one thing to find that out that Dad isn't biologically your father. I think I could have worked through that part.

It was another to find out the truth of who is my blood kin was. In my case, it was an evil man, one that was repulsive, perverted and cruel beyond measure. It made my flesh crawl to think I had any relation or connection with such a vile creature. I felt evil, cursed and tainted for years.

The conversation was a little uncomfortable, but I was still working on filling in memory gaps. I asked him why he didn't tell me. I couldn't recall all details about what was said when I visited him, but remembered how hurt I felt. It was a simple question about a complex and painful subject.

Dad said it doesn't matter what he said then. The plain truth is that he didn't care. It was water under the bridge and he didn't mean any of it. The Marshal had convinced him of things he now is skeptical of. He was in shock at the time about the accusations, not thinking about who I was on the inside.

Dad told me he fell in love with me the moment he saw my sonograms. Diane had mailed them to him despite the circumstances. He went on leave as soon as I was born. The moment he held me and my tiny fingers curled around his big one, I was his baby girl.

He couldn't love me more no matter what any DNA paper might say. He's my Dad, not just on my birth certificate, but in his heart and mind.

Dad said that doesn't matter whose blood runs in our veins. It doesn't dictate love, who we are or will become. He reminded me that there are people around me I love the same as family.

We can't help what family we're born into, but we can create the one we want.

Dad said I'm his little girl and nobody else's. He's okay with the Carmen and David Reyes and Margo looking after me as a daughter, but he's my real Daddy and I am his Peanut. Nothing will change that.

His words made me cry in a good way. I felt loved and special.

Dad's visit, his opening up to me as an adult, helped feed my aching, empty heart that's been so hungry for parental love. There's a space inside me that only he can fill.

* * *

Jack and I received some interesting news about Sun. The news came first from Hurley. He has people that keep an eye on investments and companies he wants them to track. It was more than interesting. It was earth-shattering in South Korea, splattered across all of the headlines.

Sun took her settlement money and bought the controlling shares of her father's company right out from under him. She is now on the board of directors and Hurley suspects she is going to fire or demote him, something terribly shameful in Korea for a man. It causes loss of face. He could either retire out if she allowed him. Some men would be driven to the extreme of suicide because of the dishonor.

Women don't own large companies or work. South Korea has made small advances, but overall are traditional. Married women staying home to raise the children and run the household. Sun is a powerful, strong lady and quite the controversy. I hope she's inspiring girls and women out there. I got a sense of satisfaction hearing about what she did.

I don't want I wanted Mr. Paik to jump out of a building, but she is rightfully angry. I knew a little about what she was up to but the complexity of her finding investment firms willing to do this that had zero ties to Paik Industries was time consuming. She gave me scant details including why she was going to do it but didn't tell me when or how.

Sun's motive wasn't power. She was very clear on that. She blames two people for Jin's death. Her father is one for sending them to America to deliver that "damn watch" to one of his business associates. That is the same $20,000 Rolex that Jin attacked Michael and tried to drown him over. Jin also wore the marshal's cuffs after that, at least one of them for several weeks after as a badge of shame.

The other man Sun blames is Benjamin Linus.

Sun still has a bone with her father over taking Jin into the shady side of his business, turning him from a kind, considerate, hard-working husband at Paik Industries to a gangster that was did her father's bidding, even if it meant coming home with innocent blood on his hands.

Sun partially blames herself. She had asked for $100,000 American dollars from her father in cash to save the family's honor. That was chump change to Mr. Paik.

It was right after that Mr. Paik decided Jin would earn back that money the hard way, corrupting his personality. He hijacked her husband's sense morality and years of her marriage, making her miserable.

Sun didn't' like the island but was grateful for the chance for her and Jin to go back to the beginning in a way.

The Kwons were temporarily stripped of riches and power as crash survivors.

Jin went back to his roots of being a fisherman and she went back to her love of plants and gardening. She enjoyed watching gardeners as a girl since she wasn't allowed to get dirty and loved plants so much she minored in horticulture in college. As for Jin, he was a great asset to our camp as well as friend.

Jin found himself through manual labor, friendships, shame, and redeeming himself with the raft project. They eventually fell back in love again. Sun had her own friendships too including me and Claire.

My heart ached for Sun. She was going to give birth without the man her life she loved. Her life was entwined with Jin's forever through this special baby girl. I don't know what I would do in her situation.

I talked to Sun briefly after the news broke, but she is busy working. We don't put any details in email to avoid anyone seeing what she is up to on her end, just speak about it on the phone. She and I schedule calls now that I can keep a more consistent schedule.

Sun still has about two months to go before Ji Yeon's due. She is going to let the company run as is but keep involved and informed as she has new people coming in loyal only to her. She's going to clean house at Paik after the baby's arrival.

In the meantime, her mother comes over and stays with her. She has grown closer to her mother, who has been neglected by her father for many years in lieu of his mistresses. Her mother still runs the house for him, but has plenty of servants to clean and take care of their estate.

Mrs. Paik is eagerly awaiting the birth of her granddaughter. Sun said she gets fussed over, eats well and has plenty of company thanks to her mother.

Mr. Paik used the legitimate company for years as a source of control, power, and also as a front to hide the illegal parts of his business dealings. A lot of included bribe money. Sun said Paik Industries is going to be a legitimate business going forward, even if it means less money. Sun doesn't seem hung up on that. She wants to remove the stain from her family name and honor.

Sun learned on the island that riches and possessions don't bring you happiness. All of her wealth can't bring back Jin.

* * *

Jack looked at me after we found out about Sun cutting the figurative legs out from under her father out of revenge. He said again I was right when I said Sun is scarier than I am. I lifted one eyebrow. I didn't remember the context when I said that.

He reminded me that I told him that when we were in Sumba getting much needed clothes. Our group came across a few local native men with machetes going about their business. They were polygamists in an Indonesian culture and had great interest in beautiful and fertile women as wives. If one appeared unattached, they would sometimes approach them if interested

I had baby Aaron and Sun was pregnant and barely showing. I remembered the whole conversation after that and laughed. It's true.

Sun is so smart and knows much more than her family gives her credit for. She told me a while back while gardening that her father lamented she was a girl but didn't realize she was cut from the same cloth as him. I told her she's better than that. Her heart is good, not corrupted. She smiled but said nothing.

She's come a long way from the demure, unhappy woman I met after the crash who pretended to not know English. I remembered her face when Jin would berate her and her soft voice when she beckoned me in Korean that someone needed to see me I took my first bath in the ocean, far from camp. Sun has really blossomed and come into her own. I'm proud of my friend.

I really miss her. I wish I could just sit and listen to how she pulled this whole thing off and see the expression on her face. She is small and fierce. If I had a daughter, I would want her to have close ties to Sun to learn from her.

Girls need strong female role models. We have brains and are equal in most capacities to men except the ability to be big and brawny without steroids. We don't need that. We have other strengths. One of them gives us the ability to carry babies for over 9 months, push them out and raise them.

I haven't given birth yet, but the world doesn't know that. I hope to someday. I want to hold a miniature Jack in my arms, our blood and life poured into one body, one soul. I want to share that whole experience with him. I would feel the same about a girl but want to give him a son too.

No male in his right mind would line up to push something the size of a small watermelon out of his privates. I've overheard men say passing kidney stones is something like childbirth but that's a load of horse manure.

I helped Claire during and after Aaron born including checkups. Let's just say it takes a while for things to heal up down there and was painful for a while.

She didn't want Jack checking her out and asked me. I couldn't refuse my friend. I had already seen everything so, with the guidance of Jack and discreet blankets draping Claire, I was able to figure out how she was coming along and if she needed stitches. Thank God she didn't! I was in territory I never wanted to venture in.

We were already friends and had bonded even more through the experience. I knew in my heart she'd do the same for me, squeamish or not. We both have the same equipment and survived my examining her, same as the birth.

That being said, the island had a way of accelerating healing. Instead of 5 or 6 weeks for the rawness to go down it was half the time for her. Jack thinks it has something to do with the massive electromagnetic properties.

I don't care. I am not going back to get things to "snap back" after we have a baby, even if I give birth to two watermelons back to back. I'd rather take my chances with healing and stitches if necessary.

* * *

Jack and I have some issues with paparazzi. They love to photograph us. We make a point of no PDA or public display of affection if we can help it when they are around. It just adds to the headlines. They only catch us walking to or from the hospital or walking while one of us is pushing the stroller. I like to avoid them as much as possible. There are fewer these days, but anything could change, especially next year November.

I keep Aaron covered, a swaddling blanket over his pumpkin seat or head. I don't want him to grow up in the limelight. I have all kinds of thoughts around that, but with the help I am getting, am not half-crazed with anxiety.

I don't want him to have any stigma with being my son or the "Oceanic 6 baby", teased or targeted for kidnapping since we received settlements. It makes me want to pack a gun, but in light of the pending case, I still don't.

Jack and have discussed marriage for a while. He wants to adopt Aaron at the same time. That means he will be Aaron Shephard, not Aaron Austen. Jack said we can change his last name to Shephard anytime. Adoption doesn't require that. I am going to wait. I will trust that Jack will do as he promised when the time comes.

* * *

Duncan, my attorney, came back with great news! He said the judge, the Honorable Arthur Galzethron, granted my extension by over year, adding several months based on the May filing to delay the trial. That means my legal proceedings won't begin until November 2006, almost a year and a half from now. It's a relief. I know it's ahead and I have to face it, but it's beginning to take shape and not look so ominous to me. Is it scary? Yes. Could I face time behind bars? Yes. But, Duncan is untangling a wicked web that I suspected. I am beginning to understand more now.

Duncan is doing some legwork and doesn't need me much at this point beyond a signature here or there. He's gathering information on every charge, even Marshal Edward Mars and his obsessive, prolonged and eventually unauthorized pursuit of me.

His trip to Australia was not approved and was paid for out of his own pocket.

Duncan is subpoenaing information and said we will have stuff to talk about when it comes to Marshal Edward Mars and how he interacted with me. He said Mars was way out of bounds with his manhunt and should have been fired. He was already warned more than once on record to desist pursuing me and focus on priority cases earlier on.

I feel like my case in good hands with Duncan. I don't declare my innocence or guilt to him, just answer questions for him when we talk and don't offer extra information. He doesn't ask for it. He is building my defense case base on facts and information right now.

Jack feels out of the loop as far as the legal conversations and doesn't like it because he can't sit in on the meetings. He has to hear it second-hand from me. I listen to him and know he wants some say and control. The problem is we aren't married. Duncan explained this to him in patient detail.

If we were, Jack could claim spousal immunity so he wouldn't have to testify against me in a California in a criminal case. Because we aren't, he can't sit in on my meetings with Duncan. It would immediately break the attorney-client privilege. If the prosecution knew that, they could call Jack to the stand to find out what happened in our private meetings, even if he just sat there for moral support.

He wants to be involved and help fix this so it's a sore point for him.

I don't push the marriage or bring it up even though he did when I was in the hospital. He said to trust him. I have enough on my plate overcoming medical issues, sorting through preliminary legal information and the house. I made personal leaps and bounds just by committing to be a Mom and living with Jack. They were the two best decisions I have made in a long time.

Do I want to marry him? Yes. Do I want to have a baby that looks like him? Yes. Am I ready? Not yet, but I'm open to it. Am I open to being engaged when we both are ready? Yes, but I am not in a burning rush.

I feel bound to Jack in so many ways, ways I can't explain, that started on the island when first met. I stitched his torn flesh and cried. He comforted me with a story and cried. That first night after the crash, I felt tethered to him and didn't leave his side all evening.

This is coming from a lone wolf, a person who didn't get attached to people on purpose to avoid complications. I desired connection and relationships, but for a fugitive, it would only be baggage. I thought I wasn't ready to be committed, even after I met Jack, but I couldn't stay away from him for long.

He's the one that makes my heart quicken. I looked forward to seeing him every day. I found myself following him to make sure he was safe and going to him. It's not that I just desired Jack or wanted him. I needed him, the same as air, water or food.

When Jack and I were on the outs or arguing on the island, I ached and felt off kilter until we came back together again. We were literally like two magnets you play with.

Sometimes the magnets would flip and there would be a push or resistance between us, but the strength of the pull was too strong. The magnetic energy between us would cause us to flip again and instantly come back together.

In hindsight, it's amazing to think we never slept together on the island until after we were rescued. Our connection was way beyond the physical, the emotional or mental aspects. It runs much deeper than that to places inside beyond my grasp or comprehension.

Is our relationship perfect? No. I don't think anyone's is from observation. I think, from watching and learning from Sun, Jin, Penny Desmond, Sayid and Nadia, Carmen and David and all the ups and downs they have been through.

Even with a deep connection, it takes a lot of work, two people in a row boat rowing in synch, to make a relationship successful and avoid going in circles or drifting.

* * *

Jack goes by the hospital periodically on his own. He meets up with colleagues and the chief of surgery for lunch and to socialize. I keep thinking, maybe hoping more on my part, that he won't go back to being a doctor that works long hours. If he feels a passion for it, I won't hold him back, but have a gut feeling that isn't good. I try to ignore it and hope it's just paranoia.

He has to be bored on some level with no patients to tend to. I am on the mend and Jack needs purpose and a mission. I know he enjoys being around the guys. He gets socially buzzed when he rehashes conversations about returning, getting reinstated and back in rotation. I know deep down he is still is driven and has a need prove himself.

I will be fine in the new home. I have plenty to keep me occupied, namely Aaron Samuel Austen. You and I, my little man, will be installed in the new house in the future. I plan to get a nanny or baby sitter to help too.

We will find lots of ways to occupy ourselves, not just inside, but outside the house with other moms and figure out if they are playgroups there, formal or informal. There are also Mommy and Me types of classes too. I feel driven in a different way. I want to find out more about what to expect and plan ahead to make sure you get the best head start in life.

You change so fast and I don't have an instruction booklet for you. I have no guidelines or examples I can think of from my family on how to be a good parent. Despite that, I want to be the best Mommy I can to you, something I didn't have but every kid deserves.

* * *

It's June and we are headed for Hurley's birthday party! Abuela Carmen decided to have it on June 11th. It's called a "half-birthday" by some people since it's 6 months before and after his real birthday. He was born on December 29th, a year and a half after me. Jack was born on December 3rd, 8 years before me.

Good Lord, you want to talk about someone that's hard to buy for. Hurley has everything and I mean it. I don't want to even start to try to buy him anything for his classic Star Wars collection. He probably has duplicates already. He gets two of everything he likes. One is to take out of the package to pose or mount on shelves. The other is to keep as a collector's item packaged and in pristine condition.

I talked to Carmen. I found out about his favorite charities. I made a large donation to one in his name and have a signed birthday card for him with the information inside. I think he will like that more.

Hurley is so generous. He donates to many charities, not only for mental health and depression, but also organizations like Big Brother, Big Sisters of America and supports local after school programs. Carmen said it's a road map of his life. His heart feels for those children that maybe have no parents or father around. He doesn't volunteer himself but wants to make sure the people that do have the funds to run good programs, especially underprivileged children.

I took a cab to the party. Jack wasn't happy about it, especially since it advertised he didn't take me. I didn't want to bother Sayid or Nadia. It's out of their way to get me.

Jack had a meeting he wanted to sit in on with the staff at the hospital. It's a quarterly business meeting, but senior staff including the department heads and chiefs will be there. He was given permission to sit in. He asked me not to let everyone know details, just that he will be joining us a little after it starts.

I was disappointed he chose to do that instead of going to the party. We argued about it. I was pissed off because Hurley has always been a good friend to all of us and we knew about this party for months. Talking to Jack was like talking to a brick wall, making me more frustrated. I reasoned there will be other meetings like this.

Hospital meetings like this are quarterly and some separate ones with the same people occur monthly. It's June and he isn't going to be reinstated until after that program early next year in 2006. The program doesn't even start until October 2005! We are talking 6 months from now even before he can consult with patients. He's not going to go back and be Chief of Surgery. They already have a permanent one in place.

After all the friends we lost on the island and how precious we know life is, I thought he'd seize the day and be there for our close friend.

He offered to drop me off or give me a ride early to the party. It was a half-hearted offer. I knew he needed to be at that meeting on time.

I said forget it. I will make my own arrangements. I was in a foul mood. He didn't like that, but I'm not a baby.

I appreciate what everything he does for us and for me in particular, but can think for myself and have my priorities. His priorities and mine were not on the same page that day.

I support Jack, despite my misgivings about him returning to work so soon without getting rid of his demons.

If I were Jack, I would never choose some lame meeting that won't do beans for him as far as being a doctor over celebrating Hurley's birthday. His choice is symbolic of what's most important to him.

I stalked off and called a cab before we needed to go, thinking that he was being a fool. Was he trying to impress someone? The job was his, already promised to him.

He didn't need to float around that damn hospital, haunting it ahead of time like he is lost or has to prove himself.

* * *

The party was in the backyard and a tropical theme. I was warned ahead of time, Thank God. I put you, now my little pumpkin, in a little Hawaiian shirt and shorts. I wore a loose, sheer white dress with an empire top. I was surprised at how well-decorated the backyard was with the tiki type bar and drinks, fake coconut cups, the umbrellas made to look like they had palm leaves for tops. There were even floating candles in the pool to be lit later. It had all the trimmings to look tropical.

Frankly, it was overwhelming. It was a labor of love on his parents' part but the theme was questionable after everything we've been through.

I decided to overlook it and take it for what it was. Carmen would never do anything intentional to hurt her son or offend us. I hope Hurley can take it with a grain of salt. Carmen calls him "Hugo," never Hurley.

She said Hugo hasn't changed much and is concerned about him He still drives an old beater car, eats at Mr. Chicken's and doesn't get out a lot. I am concerned about him too and what our experiences and The Lie is doing.

Hurley is a beacon of truth with a strong sense of right and wrong. If I had to venture a guess, it is slowly eating away at him. Mr. Chicken's food is being piled on top of that hole inside of him that is expanding.

I think we are all messed up in our own way since coming back.

I had anxiety and panic attacks.

Jack feels like he has to dive headfirst into getting his job. He is trying to bury the feelings he is struggling with over his father and his death. It feeds into a deep-rooted insecurity and self-blame. He feels responsible for everything and everyone still, even things out of his control.

Hurley is sliding back into depression. He skips charity events he used to go to and stays home a lot watching t.v. and eating Mr. Chicken.

Sun is on a path of revenge. Thankfully, she has Jin Yeon coming soon, but I worry about how Jin's not being there will affect her and what will happen to her over time.

Sayid seems okay so far, but time will tell.

Some of us are showing symptoms now. Some problems may crop up later for other Oceanic 6 members.

So far, I appear to be the only one getting help.

The only one thriving is my little love, Aaron. He's off the island and would be dead if we left him there, abandoned with nobody to feed or nurse him at less than 8 weeks.

He was left purposely in a wide path where boar run and a few miles from where Locke found Mr. Eko in a polar bear cave. My poor baby boy was left there crying, served up on top of a large leaf.

It makes me sick want to cry too when I think about it. I am grateful Sawyer and Miles found him and brought him back to us so I could send him on with Sun to the freighter. I don't regret it for a second, especially since they tracked all day and Claire had completed disappeared with someone she called "Dad." Claire. I miss her and hope she's alive somehow. She disappeared, though, along with that damn island.

* * *

The party was a surprise for Hurley. We were all herded to the Reyes mansion's back yard and told to keep quiet in anticipation of Hurley's return. When he finally flung open the patio doors from the bedroom to the pool area, he looked terrified.

Hurley was holding a golden statue of Jesus, a decoration of Carmen's. I don't know what startled him, but after the "Surprise! Happy Birthday!" from everyone, she asked him what he was doing with it.

He said he thought there was a prowler or something. She didn't like that. She told him that "Jesus Christ is not a weapon," took it from him and told him to go enjoy his party.

I found her statement amusing, but not the look on Hurley's face. He was spooked. He began to smile and interact with people, most of whom are strangers to me, then headed straight for us.

Hurley smiled at Aaron and said hi to him, holding his little fist. Aaron gave him a big grin. My little pumpkin was talking and trying to eat his feet at the same time, cradled in my arms.

I wished Hurley a "Happy Birthday." I wanted to hug him but settled for a kiss. I let him know Jack was late. He looked disappointed. Hurley looks up to Jack. Jack relied on him for important tasks on the island, knowing how trustworthy Hurley was even then. It made Hurley feel important.

Hurley was important and vital to the survivors turned castaways. He made us laugh and was the only one thinking about how to destress us as a camp and help us temporarily forget about our situation. Hurleys golf course, a 3-hole on a plateau, was the first time I had seen Jack smile and truly relax. I don't know how he talked Jack into playing back then. His outdoor ping pong table games were clever too. That's the magic of Hurley.

Hurley knows Jack's gunning to get back in the hospital. He visits sometimes, whether Jack is there or not. I don't spill my guts or anything but I answer his questions honestly, even if it causes tears to fall. I'm not looking for any pity. I'm worried about Jack falling into the same trap.

Jack wasn't happy before. It cost him his marriage and he has nothing good to say about his job, only the story where he counted to 5 and saved the girl.

Hurley doesn't get why Jack would want to go back to that instead of doing something less demanding and enjoy raising Aaron with me. It's not like we need the income.

After Hurley arrived, I stood and had my arms loaded with a 16 pound 6 (7) month old. Aaron is such a handsome guy and happy. Even though Jack wasn't there, I didn't feel alone. I missed Jack's presence, though. I needed to put Aaron in the stroller or sit soon, probably the latter. My arms and body weren't strong enough yet to carry him for a long time. We talked briefly, then Sayid and Nadia joined us with big smiles.

Sayid commented that it was an interesting choice of theme with a tongue-in-cheek smile.

"Yeah, my mom . . . really doesn't get it, Dude." Hurley finally seemed to be relaxing with the four of us together, despite being surrounded by all of the other guests.

His father, David came up. I have been warming up to him over time. I have my own feelings about abandonment and neglect of Hurley from childhood to recent years by his father. It's because of my own past. I don't want to project my feelings onto David.

I empathize with Hurley though. I wonder if he would have felt better about himself if his Dad stuck around instead of returning after he won the lottery. I understand Hurley's reservations but Hurley took him back, same as Carmen, no questions asked. His ability to forgive made it easier for me to let it go as far as David is concerned.

David seems to genuinely loves his son and seems to try to be making amends. He came over to our group including my armful of baby boy. He was wearing a shirt that matched Carmen's tropical blouse.

"Hey! How's everybody doing?" He laughed and teased us. "What are you talking about? Building a fire or huntin' boars?" He continued to laugh but we didn't. Nadia's face reflected her thoughts. She's an open book. She was offended and shocked at the same time. It's a touchy subject.

David continued, talking to Hurley and the three of us. "Uh, I guess not. Listen, do you mind excusing us for a little while? I wanna show Hugo his birthday present. Come on." He herded Hurley off and David waved to me and Aaron smiling. "Bye-bye, honey." He's used to Aaron coming over to hang out and is fond of him.

I bounced the baby and Sayid and Nadia clustered near me. Nadia held out her arms and Aaron reached out and willingly went to her. I warned her about his drooling and maybe cutting teeth but she didn't care. I handed her a burp cloth anyhow. We found a place to sit and casually talk, waiting for Hurley to return and Jack to join us.

* * *

We waited a long while. People milled around. Thanks to Aaron's Abuela Carmen, everybody there seemed to know him, so I met a lot of new people thanks her showing off the baby.

We were encouraged to go ahead and eat and drink. Hurley didn't return with his father. I saw him and Carmen talking and she was frowning at David, obviously angry at him.

Carmen came over after several moments and asked to talk to me and Sayid. I wondered why she chose us. I left Aaron with Nadia, content in her arms with the attention he was getting, and we stepped inside to confer in whispers.

She knew we were aware of the numbers and that they were "cursed," the numbers that her Hugo won the lottery with. Sayid and I exchanged glances. We were very familiar with those numbers.

The hatch cover, the hatch computer, and the numbers had showed up individually. We had a long talk about this as a group trying to figure it out, only to come up with nothing. 815 was the number of our plane. 8 and 15 were numbers. $23,000 was the reward the marshal offered for me in Australia. 23 is another number. Jack was in seat 23. The numbers from the porch collapsing that sent Hurley into a deep depression and Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute were 8 plus 15 equals 23 total. Over and over these numbers kept popping up. Rousseau had a piece of paper with the entire sequence written over and over. Hurley stalked off to find her and ask her about. Sayid, Charlie and Jack followed him. We still don't know what they mean.

We were told David had restored his old Camaro Z23, one he had originally started to work on with Hugo as a child. I gritted my teeth at the number 23. There it was again. I looked at Sayid,. He knew it too. David did it as a memorial to Hugo, then gave it to him as a birthday gift. Hugo refused any gifts that came from the money. The numbers were on the dashboard that he won the lottery with, the cursed numbers in the exact same order.

Oh, God. I felt so bad for Hurley.

Once he realized that, he took off yelling and ran down the street. He hadn't returned yet.

I ended up calling Jack on his cell phone to see how far he was from the party. He was en route. I told him what had happened and asked him to call Hurley's cell and to see if he could track him down, bring him back and why. He wasn't answering our calls.

Hurley wasn't going to be able to articulate this to his family or friends, only us. Only we know the pervasiveness of the numbers and it was underneath the umbrella of The Lie. Jack agreed right away and said he'd find him.

It was getting awkward after a while for the Reyes family. Carmen made an excuse Hugo didn't feel well and needed to lay down for a bit. The time for cutting cake had come and gone and people were restless.

* * *

Jack arrived finally, 45 minutes after I called, with Hurley in tow. Hurley seemed calmer. I don't know if Jack talked him down or gave him something but it gave Carmen and David the satisfaction of lighting the candles and watching their son blow them out.

Jack didn't join us immediately. What I didn't realize was he got the keys from David and drove the offensive Z23 around the block a few times to change the numbers over. He couldn't change the number of the car model itself, but the offensive numbers were off of the dashboard. That was the only way he could get Hurley to agree to come home. Hurley didn't run far. He always said he gets leg cramps when he runs.

Hurley didn't speak much. He was still anxious. I stood closely next to him and held his hand briefly. We couldn't openly talk but he gave me a look. Underneath the superficial mirth, in the depths of his hazel eyes, I saw a his misery. It wasn't just the numbers. It was The Lie.

He excused himself and Carmen made excuses again for his not being well. The guests didn't question it. They started to filter out soon after. On the surface, the party seemed to be a success minus the guest of honor being present for the majority of it.

Carmen kissed Jack on the cheek and thanked him several times for bringing Hugo back. She scolded David in Spanish again, probably about the car and ruining the party. I actually felt sorry for David. He meant well. He didn't know those numbers would be on the dashboard and would trigger the terror it did in Hurley.

Hurley most have PTSD too. If there were more incidents like and he may end up back at Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute, something I would hate to see. He wasn't getting any help yet except the comfort he found in food.

* * *

Jack took Aaron and we went back into the condo. Aaron was sleeping. He had been fed, held, loved and was his charming self for everyone at the party. I thought he might melt down at some point like I have seen other babies do when overwhelmed. They literally short-circuit because their nervous systems get overloaded. Instead, he drifted off to sleep.

Aaron was completely out. Jack changed him and put him in his crib, knowing we would need to feed him again by bedtime. He drew me into the living room. We sat on the couch. He offered his lap but I was reluctant.

Jack wasn't going to take no for an answer and tugged on my arms to pull me in, grabbed my waist and made me sit on his lap, straddling him in my sundress. He said he wanted to talk to me. I looked at him with hooded eyes, waiting for him to start.

He reiterated he was glad he found Hurley and was able to clear out the numbers. He didn't know how that happened or why it was a Z23. Jack struggles with this in his scientific, logical brain. He is a skeptic. Locke would have just accepted it as some kind of sign.

For me, I struggle with it but don't think it's coincidence. I just don't understand what it is. It means something but I am not ready to embrace it without knowledge, not knowing the true purpose and meaning of the numbers that follow us.

Jack is a good man for doing that for Hurley, picking him up and driving his new car around. He understood how upsetting it was for his friend. I am still not happy with him missing the party for a stale board meeting though.

The talk about priorities I had with my Dad lingered as well as Jack's promises that are yet to be fulfilled in the future. His actions show me how much he is devoted to and loves me but I don't want to hear empty words, especially from him.

If he has fear or commitment issues, I'll wait. I'll work through it with him. He just need to be honest and tell me. I love Jack so much I would wait a long time and support him. He does that for others and I want him to lean on me.

The real problem for me, one I personally face now, is that I have never opened myself up to anyone the way I have to Jack. I feel so connected to him on every level, even though we haven't shared every secret from our past. I figured maybe that would come over time as we peeled back each other's layers.

This is one reason why I avoided relationships and commitments in the past. I feel like I am giving someone the ability to carve my heart out of my chest and shred it.

Aaron was different. He was a baby full of trust and unconditional love.

Jack is a grown man that I have given myself over to, heart, body and soul. He has the potential to destroy me from the inside out. I don't want anyone else. I just want Jack.

We sat in the living room with only one lamp on as I faced him, straddling his lap with my long, white dress pooling around us.

He took his finger and traced my lips, looking at my face. He knew when he gazed into my eyes and beyond, deep inside, that I was bothered still. It wasn't just his bailing on most of the party for that meeting.

I was stirred up with love for him and had a streak of fear at how vulnerable I felt. I frowned slightly. I was still on his lap, but sat passively on purpose, watching, waiting and poised to get up if I needed to excuse myself.

I could have lashed out easily about the meeting, but decided I would let him talk instead of continuing arguing anymore. I also didn't want to blubbering out my feelings of fear that he was going to end up hurting me in the end if there was one.

The only end I desired for us was after a long, fulfilling life together, setting on rocking chairs on a porch somewhere, looking on some land with some grandkids running around the front yard. It wasn't separate lives.

Jack bent down and kissed my brow, the place that knits together when I am worried or upset. He asked if I wanted to talk. I said yes, but not now. It could wait. Jack's eyes looked into mine carefully. His mouth was partly open and I could see the desire on his eyes, the way his lips were open. He sucked in the bottom one subconsciously to wet it.

Jack ran his fingers simultaneously over my bare shoulders, lingering on the bra straps that hung out slightly from my sleeveless dress. He paused looked into my eyes lovingly, almost waiting for permission. My eyes were wide by then, my body already answering the call of his libido, mine matching his. I willed him to continue, shrugging my arms out of the straps so they fell down to my side, hanging out out of my sleeves. I could smell the scent of his clean skin and faded aftershave. It's an aphrodisiac to me.

I could feel him getting aroused beneath me when he put his hands on my exposed, sun-kissed flesh on my arms. I didn't stop him, only continued to gaze at him, my eyes warm. I still felt a thin wall of resistance on my part. I trembled a little with his touch. I was already in the mood for more and he knew it. The wall was melting with every stroke of his fingertips. He was purposely dismantling it.

He had me right where he wanted me.

That's when he began to talk. He softly touched my face and told me he was sorry to miss the party and the meeting was boring. He went there to network more than anything, but he should have been there for Hurley and made his friend a priority.

He said I was right.

I couldn't be upset at him anymore when he said that. He meant it. I looked deeply into his eyes to see if he was mollifying me but he wasn't.

His eyes were large and dark, his pupils contracted. There were no tell signs, no looking away or signals that it was anything but the God's honest truth. His beautiful brown eyes were honest and burning with desire and longing.

Jack's hand slid around my back and slowly unhooked my bra strap deftly with one motion of his fingers. He snapped it between two fingers and it was undone. He took one bra strap and slowly pulled the entire thing out of my dress. I only wore only the dress with the low v-neck and expensive, sheer lace panties by then.

I still sat, barely restraining myself and let him decide what to do next. My hands were itching to touch him. I bit my lip. I really wanted him. I was ready to unbutton his jean, help him shed them and make love right there, but didn't want him to treat me like some fragile flower this time.

He cupped my face, pulled me in, and kissed me. He gently put his teeth on my lower lip, tugging and loosening my grip on it and enveloped it with his lips. He broke apart after a moment and asked me what exactly I was thinking.

I made an acerbic comment that I was tired of being treated like I was made of glass. I told him if he wanted me frustrated after sex, just keep it up. I want him to love me and not hold back.

He stifled a smile and raised his eyebrow. He said he could always rise to the challenge but I had to promise him to tell him if it was too rough for me or if my head hurt. I gave a half smile that I know looks silly on my face, anticipating more tonight; more of him, more of us.

I loved the tenderness but I also love it when he does things like flips me over on top of him with ease and gives himself over fully to me as I want to with him. He never hurts me, no matter if we were either desperately trying to get as close as humanly possible, skin to skin, or taking our time we were feasted on each other's bodies.

I kissed him without holding back this time when he pulled me close. I opened my mouth as he did, not fully, but enough to taste him, suck on his lips and tongue, nibble on his lip, then go for the deeper kiss with him, the one that warms my entire body. His kisses made my pulse race and had already sent that jolt of electricity down to my groin, making me want to strip.

He always seemed surprised when his hands moved down there to slip a finger or two in, either to start the foreplay or to checking to see how turned on I was.

He did that now and got a pleased look on his face, commenting in a husky voice that he loved how I was always ready for him. He had slid my sheer, white panties to the side this time to slip two fingers inside of me, stroking me slowly, knowing every bit of anatomy his fingers were stimulating, inside and out. I was wound up.

He watched me, enjoying my pleasure, but didn't take me all the way to climax. I whimpered a little and said his name, wanting release.

I couldn't help it how turned on and wet I already was. My body belonged to his as his does to mine. He's the only man that could get my motor running just from a look, maybe some naughty talk on his way home when he called and told me to take my underwear off or strip, or by kissing me like that. I knew he was mine for the same reasons.

All it took was a look, some suggestive words on my part, my bending over, dressing, undressing or touching him, even physical contact we had outside of his erogenous zones and his jeans or pants would bulge. He has told me many times now that I have no idea how much I turn him on.

Jack removed his fingers, put them in his mouth, which makes me still giggle when I see him do it. He acts like I'm a dessert, the way I do when it comes to red velvet cake or chocolate. He did it slowly, sensually and didn't blink or lose eye contact with me. He smiled at me with that sensual mouth of his afterwards.

After that, lifted my dress off over my head and admired my body. He grabbed my hips to move them and grind me gently back and forth since he still wore jeans. He kissed my neck first, making his way down to my breasts to kiss and suckle each of them hard, then admire the effect. He made his way back up to my mouth. I had tipped my head back slightly but met him on the way back up, my arms wrapping automatically around his neck.

He stood up, carrying me and not breaking our deep kiss, growing more fervent and desperate with desire. Jack knew how to hotwire my body, just with his mouth. I wrapped legs around his waist as he carried me to bed.

He tossed me on the bed gently, making me giggle. I like some rough play, the wrestling, flipping, and teasing and was in the mood that night.

He then slid off my panties and stripped quickly, crawling towards me like an animal stalking it's prey, ready to finish what he started.

I told him he better make good on his words and not treat me like I'm breakable. I tried to sound firm but my body was quivering and aching for him.

I wanted to participate more in the living room, but needed him to leap that hurdle and not be afraid to make love me without holding back. I'm not going to break.

He just gave me that special Jack smile, the kind that makes my body sing. I had no doubt he would rise to the challenge as he said. He grabbed me roughly and pulled me on top of him and positioned himself to slip inside me. I made an involuntary noise of relief as he did. It made me feel full and complete. It was always perfect fit.

I just hoped we had enough time for our "first course" or as many as we could fit in before Aaron woke for his last feeding for the night.

* * *

The weeks are going by. Jacks' Dad's Memorial will be in July, now set for the 23rd. I rolled my eyes at the number. Damn numbers. I hoped it wouldn't scare off Hurley.

My physical therapy is still active but tapering down. I still have work and periodic tests to help my memory for short-term mainly. The house is still being worked on but it's going to be ready in the next month or so.

Jack said it will be a fresh start with new furniture, new everything and we will leave the condo as-is. He will use it if needed while he is in the program, as he stated before, and can rent it out easily later to a doctor or resident if needed. It's proximity to the hospital and the fact it was paid off already would make it a great rental property.

Technically, it's his condo and he can do what he wants with it. I was hoping he would sell it, but don't really care as long as we are under the same roof and he rents it out instead of keeping it as a convenient 2nd residence. I was all in.

I need the same from him if he was going the distance with me, moving in, to the altar and beyond. I want to say we are but sometimes feel a little paranoia still about him dragging his feet. I am less concerned that it's me now and that he doesn't want me or I'm not good enough. I think it's fear on his part, plus his Dad's Memorial bringing up feelings related to it.

Now that I have a low-dose medication to help with the panic attacks and regular doctor visits, I can think more clearly. It's not me, it's not Aaron.

It's something Jack needs to figure out.

I hope for the best for the three of us. If Jack's not on board, struggling and unwilling to get help or move ahead, it will be for me and Aaron. My little man and I are a package deal. I will take one step at a time though for the man I love and wait for him if that's what it takes.

Jack has been devoted and wonderful to me and Aaron, but my Dad was right. As my medical needs and crisis have tapered, Jack's seems a little lost and looking for another cause again, like this reinstatement. I watch him more than he knows.

I don't want my heart to be broken but won't abandon him or run away. I am going to stand by his side with his Dad's Memorial. He told me he wanted me there in the front row and that's exactly where I will be.

He seems anxious about it as the time is coming closer. He literally has no words to say about his Dad yet he has appointed himself to do the eulogy. I don't recall him doing one at the island. He was upset his father's body was on the plane. It turned out he found the coffin but it was empty. If he did, it's wiped from my memory. His mind seems cluttered with bad memories, anger and regret about his father. He feels responsible for his death, another thing that is not his fault.

I suggested that Jack go and talk to someone. He got defensive and said it was out of the question. I told him that was b.s. because I have to for my anxiety and don't divulge The Lie. He's being a hypocrite.

Why doesn't he get his past issues taken care of so he doesn't keep carrying that burden? It affects him. It affects me. It will affect Aaron and our future baby if he didn't get help.

He got a strange look on his face when I mentioned our non-existent baby. This is the same man that said he wanted to have a baby with me since we were in Oahu. We have continued to talk about since but isn't in the immediate future. He wanted a baby in the next year or two when Aaron was older, but not too far apart and any more before I turned 35.

We were both only children and he said more babies would be fine too, as many as I wanted. Would he now be happier with no additional kids or maybe if I had a girl so he wouldn't have the father-son dynamic? Did he change his mind? If so, it's not necessarily a deal-breaker for me, but is important. I need to know what's going on in that head of his.

I backed off of the therapy suggestion, not questioning him or his look regarding a baby. I just asked him to just consider it for himself and for us. I will go with him if he wants me to. I had the feeling the issues he has right now have roots so deep I wasn't going to be able to dig them out on my own.

I will choose my battles and this one is something he has to decide to fight for alongside with me, for himself, for his mental health, and for us.

I only suggested getting help because I love him. Who the hell else is going to love him and have the balls to tell him that? He doesn't let people in this close, ever.

I want Jack to be _whole_. He doesn't have to be _perfect_. How can he love me with his whole heart if part if it is twisted up and angry at the past and his father, who is dead and gone?

He said he would think about it and kissed me. We ended up making love passionately afterwards. It was mind-blowing, as always and was one of those on and off all-night sessions, my favorite.

He plays my body like an instrument and brings out different peaks and notes so intense sometimes that I struggle to get away from him at the apex, my insides contracting out of control.

He knows when I am hitting that point of extreme intensity during an orgasm and doesn't let me get away despite my efforts to push him off. He pins me down or grabs my waist firmly because he wants me to give myself over to him completely, riding it out with me at the same time. It's incredible and exhausting. He told me afterwards again that he wants all of my pleasure. I belong to him. That includes never touching myself without him present. I grinned. I don't. Why would I when I have the best?

As I drifted off to sleep, my exhausted, nude body draped over his, something in the back of my mind speculated if he used sex to change the subject.

I shrugged it off. If he did, screw it. It was pretty damn effective tool and for now, he wouldn't hear any complaints from me. We will deal with the b.s. and issues later.

His personal issues, same as mine, weren't going to be fixed overnight.


	14. Chapter 14: Hello and Goodbye

_A/N: Thank you to everyone who left reviews. I really appreciate your taking the time to do that. Note that chapter is rated M-ish for some Jate jex content. Also note this is during the missing years and will be Partial AU in different scenes throughout the story._

* * *

Dear Aaron,

We got great news from Korea. Ji Yeon was born on July 8th. I talked to Sun days afterwards to congratulate her. I was happy to hear she is recovering and the baby is fine after what she told me.

Sun had a difficult labor and was worried something was wrong. The doctor wanted to do a cesarean section, but something happened at the last minute. She thought she saw Jin. Moments later, Ji Yeon was born.

Sun said it was hard. Nobody was with her except the doctor and nurses. She was given medication and told later that she kept crying and asking for Jin. My heart ached for her, for losing her husband and the loneliness she is feeling.

She is happy with Ji Yeon, so proud of her but cried a little when we talked. She blamed it hormones but I know she's sad. She said she will be fine. She is happy her daughter looks like Jin. He would be so proud.

I talked to Jack about sending a gift. He grinned, glad for the news, and asked if I could handle that kind of stuff going forward. He said he's not good at that kind of thing. I figured as much. I asked around and found out that traditional gifts for newborns in Korea included things like larger diapers and clothes for when the baby grows.

Traditionally, babies' births aren't celebrated until 100 days later due to the high mortality rate of infants in the past. The 100-day celebration is called "baek-il." I was told to send gifts or at least 50,000 won in Korean money as a gift for a newborn, which is about $46 in American dollars. It seemed too small. I sent flowers and 5,000,000 Korean won instead. It will at least buy baby clothes and diapers. Sun doesn't need money but I wanted to try and honor her traditions.

Sun said her recovery was quick. She has the baby co-sleeping with her in a bassinet made for her bed. She said it is common there and makes it easy for her to nurse the baby. She will only nurse for a short while before stepping into her role at Paik Industries. In the meantime, Mrs. Paik, her mother, was staying with her and the baby several nights a week to help. After Sun goes to work, Mrs. Paik will care for Ji Yeon.

Sun said her mother forces her to eat so much seaweed soup now that the baby will probably be addicted to it. It's supposed to help her recover from childbirth faster. Mrs. Paik mother also bundles the baby in several blankets and layers of clothes. In July, it is really humid and warm in Korea. It's tradition for the first few weeks to keep Ji Yeon healthy along with massaging her legs for growth.

I told her I was so sorry to not make it to see Ji Yeon. Between caring for Aaron and Duncan advising me not to travel out of country, I am stuck. She said she understood. Babies have to come first and she wants me to stay out of jail.

I was thinking about Ji Yeon and Sun being a single Mom. How in the world is she handling having the baby of her husband, the man she loved, so soon after he passed? She's incredibly strong but I don't envy her. I don't know if I could deal with that.

* * *

We still live in a condo, a beautiful one in Los Angeles with Jack, the man who has the keys to my heart. Our little pumpkin is with us. He's not so little anymore though. Aaron is almost 18 pounds and not only a talker and grabber, but a pincher and puller.

Aaron can rock on his hands and knees but hasn't crawled forward yet despite our encouragement when Jack and I play with him on the floor. He's just on the verge. He can push himself backwards and sits up on his own. He also can spot things across the room he wants. He's such a good baby. He still sleeps through the night and is easygoing and happy.

We have a good routine here between the three of us. Jack and I are doing well. It's been an adjustment being back in the States and dealing with the media but the buzz has died down some. That took some pressure off of us, especially after my hospitalization. We can walk the baby or I can on my own in the stroller without an onslaught of photographers or media following and asking questions.

* * *

Jack still networks with hospital colleagues that are friends and the administrators. He only has a few months to go until he enters the reinstatement program. We ended up going to the St. Sebastians' Hospital Gala. The annual gala funds different programs in the hospital. One program funds clinics that provide free services to the community.

It was a black-tie event with drinks, dinner, live music and dancing, silent auctions and, of course, attendees paid a lot of money for either individual tickets or to buy an entire table to host their group. Jack looked like GQ Magazine model in his black tuxedo, bow tie and shirt with tiny black buttons and engraved cufflinks. I had a hard time take my eyes off of him. He was fresh shaven and I found the subtle smell of his aftershave arousing, like the icing on the cake.

His hair isn't buzzed currently. He let it grow out a little, but not much. I'm amazed that he's stayed single so long before and after his divorce but know he was a workaholic. I've learned even more about Jack from meeting his friends, the staff and their spouses.

I finally donned the gown Jack bought a few months ago and wore it outside of the house. He figured if I didn't wear it to an event, I could just wear it for him. I thought it was too expensive to use as lingerie. It doesn't matter what I wear when we are in the mood. Every scrap of our clothing ends up crumpled on the floor or furniture anyways.

The gala was amazing. The décor, everything was beautiful. A lot of things were sponsored so donation money wasn't spent on things like catering. People are provided drink tickets otherwise they pay for it themselves. I had one cocktail, a cosmopolitan, but stuck to water after that.

The mingling was okay. I knew a few people through Jack, but it was so crowded during cocktail hour that it was hard to locate them. Jack seemed happy, shaking hands, getting welcome back handshakes and hugs plus greetings from people he and his dad worked with in the past. Everyone was friendly. I think the alcohol made the doctors and their wives or dates more amicable.

It struck me as odd that a large majority of the women were fake blondes. It didn't stop there. I could tell many women had plastic surgery or facial work done. I felt like I was one woman that was not only brunette but didn't have fake boobs or puffy lips. Some women had that duck-lip look. I didn't stare but I did comment to Jack that I must be the only woman there that doesn't know a plastic surgeon.

He chuckled at that. He said I was probably right. He kept me close most of the event and whispered little things. He told me I am beautiful naturally and made me promise to never have any done. I rolled my eyes and smiled. He later said I was the most beautiful woman in the room and whispered naughty things he was going to do to me later. He was well into his fourth drink by then.

I found alcohol loosens his tongue up. It's not the only thing that loosens his tongue though. I took it for what it was, sincere. He looked at me in adoration when he said it.

People's behavior fascinates me. I had to be a student of behavior on the run. I've learned that alcohol is a form of truth serum.

We sat with his male colleagues and their wives or girlfriends. That included his skiing buddies. They were tactful enough to not mention my injury, only ask how I was doing. I said fine. I think their inquiries meant to be polite and this was my first-time coming face to face with most of them.

My mind wondered if they were trying to figure me out based on the media, but I am learning in therapy it doesn't matter what other people think and reminded myself of that. It kept my anxiety level down.

I thought I would be intimidated being around so many doctors and their fancy companions but was surprised and secretly pleased that I wasn't. I didn't have much in common with the women from an interest stand-point and found they talked about shallow things.

I found when Jack would step away and talk with his friends, usually a few yards away, I was swarmed, surrounded by women in colorful, glittering gowns with cleavage galore. I am shorter than most despite my heels and was taken aback at first.

They were fascinated, not only with the fact that I had "landed" Jack, but with everything they read about with being a castaway, rescued, and having the baby. When they talked, I realized it was surreal to them, like a t.v. movie or something. They only knew what they read about or saw on the news. We were some kind of sensation or pseudo-celebrities. I know Jack didn't share any extra information. We are tight-lipped due to The Lie.

The women seemed friendly and sympathetic. They initially fussed over my outfit, hair and how beautiful I looked. My hair was swept up with artfully placed curls coming down by Nahid. I also had a few hair jewel pins in it that matched the dress.

After that topic was exhausted, they would ask about Aaron and how he was doing. That led into the topic of his birth. The women would comment about how brave I was and they don't think they could have survived such an ordeal, the crash and giving birth on island in such awful, primitive conditions.

I didn't say much. I just nodded and gave minimal responses. I let them do the talking. Alcohol apparently made them real friendly and verbose. Some even commented on how jealous they were that I snared "The Jack Shephard." He's sinfully sexy, handsome and the nicest man I know. I ask myself that question sometimes too.

Apparently, Jack was much sought after but so focused on his work that nobody caught his eye outside of Sarah. I heard negative opinions about Sarah, someone I didn't care to know about. It seems she wasn't well-liked with the cheating and how it affected Jack. I have no comment. I wasn't there. As protective as I am of Jack, that marriage was between them and I don't know her side except he worked really long hours.

I am no person to judge ex-spouses based on my own shameful actions.

Jack wasn't like his father trying to charm and pursue other women including hospital staff. The more the ladies drank, the more information I found it. Nothing I heard bothered or offended me. It was old news. The fancy drinks they sipped while talking like Dirty, Godiva Chocolate, Cosmopolitan or Lemon Drop martinis went down one after the other since we stood next to the martini bar. Their glasses piled up with lipstick stains on the sides, only to be scooped up by servers.

I don't know if some of them even noticed I didn't talk about myself. Once they stopped going on and on about me or Jack or giving birth in such wretched conditions, I would ask them about themselves. What did they do? Did they have children? What did their husbands do?

I found if I asked the right question, it took the heat off of me and got them talking. Most of them loved talking about themselves, their fancy homes, luxury cars, designer bags and shoes, and so much more. When they talked about designer brands, it was almost a foreign language to me.

It was kind of boring after a while but better than lying or avoiding answers.

I don't want to end up like this, focused on things versus people. I have my priorities and learned the hard way from growing up not having much and being on the run.

My ability to mingle a bit freed Jack up but he mostly stayed near me or had his arm snared around my waist. I straightened his lapels and looked up at him adoringly, telling him to enjoy himself. I'm doing okay. He said he'd rather be with me.

I noticed that look of possessiveness, especially if I was standing or walked across the room. He went with me, even to escort me to the restroom.

I figured out why later. He said his friends and the other men were looking at me. I already knew that. I can feel it when a man is staring at me that way. Apparently, he didn't like that and was staking his claim. He didn't mark me anywhere visible, so he had to do it with his presence.

When his arm was around me, his hand and fingers would touch the side of my small waist while his thumb drifted and made tiny circles, stroking the bare skin of my exposed back. My dress was strapless and had a beautiful scooped back down to allow him access to it.

That small touch and rubbing on my back sent pleasant sensations down my back to my thighs and other places that made me want to strip off my panties, pull him in a closet and have my way with him. I would shiver a little and give him a sideways glance when that would happen. His eyes smoldered when our eyes locked. Jack knew exactly what he was doing to me.

I felt insecure in the past about wearing form fitting clothes and had low self-esteem since I was a kid.

It was liberating to feel pretty and show every bit of my shape in a safe environment. I hid my body for so long. I never went to dances and rarely wore dresses or skirts growing up for obvious reasons.

What made the difference with how I feel about my body?

Jack.

Jack makes me feel like the sexiest, most desirable woman on the planet.

* * *

The evening went well as far as I could tell. Jack was really pleased with it. He was amorous even before we left, pulling me in to kiss me more than once. He held me close when we slow danced. I could feel the electricity between our bodies and how both of us were responding. He was aroused and pinned my hips right up against him. When we moved with the rhythm of the music, his intense brown eyes gazing into mine, everything and everyone fell away. We moved as one as he led, my body melting into his willingly.

Jack whispered he had been thinking all evening about what he was going to do to me at home. I bit my bottom lip and gave him an inviting look. I was itching to unbutton his shirt and straddle him earlier when we sat down at our table. I wanted so badly to taste his lips and mouth but when we started our dance, when we both felt the intensity, I was yearning to kiss him deeply.

The issue was once we started that kind of contact, there was no stopping. I was flushed and ready to take him or have him take me. Either way it didn't matter. We loved variety in bed or wherever we happened to be, standing sitting, in different rooms, on any kind of surface or the shower as long as we had privacy.

Most times he wanted to take control, especially in the beginning. I let him. He needed that and my body was begging for him anyhow. It made no difference to me. He was beyond incredible and unselfish as a lover. He demanded that I climax twice or more before he would satisfy his needs. Sometimes he would tell me how many times he was going to make me before his own release.

It made me think of baseball and how Babe Ruth would point out to where he was going to hit the ball and did it. Well, Jack delivered what he promised. It turned him on to make me plead about how I needed him inside me, especially when he was drawing out foreplay, making me grab handfuls of the sheets in frustrated bliss.

Jack isn't usually big on public displays of affection unless he has a few drinks.

It's a whole different world when we are alone, either working our way up to the inevitable like making a meal of the other's body or peeling each other's clothes off with urge and need. Our intense attraction, the buzz of the social scene, being among peers, and a little alcohol made him loosen up more than usual that night. Everyone knew we were together. He'd whisper little things in my ear that made my body ache with yearning.

We left before the gala after dancing. We were both anxious to get home to kick off our evening of play since Aaron was at Margo's. The entire night was ours. After closing the front door, he grabbed my hand and took me straight to the bedroom.

Jack insisted on slowly taking off my dress, unzipping it as he kissed the exposed skin of my spine, inch by inch. I was standing in nothing but lace underwear and high, strapped heels when he was done. He made quick work of his cufflinks and shirt and divested himself of everything else while feasting his eyes on me. After, he pulled down my panties down my thighs with his teeth as he unbuckled each of my shoes.

I loved nothing more than to be skin to skin with Jack and having him inside of me. At times there is no Kate or Jack. We become one person when he touches the deepest part of me - it's as if our souls commingle.

Our chemistry is immeasurable and bodies are made for each other. We are both were insatiable at times. In the beginning, he was stunned at my voracious appetite for him, equaling his for me. It hasn't slowed down, only grown over time.

He said he never met a woman like me.

He's right. No woman is like me.

What he may not realize is it isn't me, it's the sum of both of us that makes it incredible.

* * *

The Memorial was coming up fast. Jack had it scheduled for July 23. I was doing okay by then to where I could get around and carry Aaron as long as I didn't have to stand for long periods with my chunky little man. He's not fat. He has adorable rolls now on his legs I love to tickle. He'll thin out as soon as he starts to walk, then run, God help me. We already started to baby proof the place.

I finally had my California Driver's License with my real name on it. It's the first I.D. I've had with my real name and statistics since I was 24. It took me two tries to pass the written test. The laws are more complicated here with U-turns, lane splitting with motorcycles and more, but I did it. It was a minor victory for me, restoring some freedom. Jack doesn't have to drive me everywhere now.

I was thinking about the Memorial. I haven't been to one yet. Usually there's a body to bury. Dad took leave from the army when Pa Austen passed and picked me up to take me to Kentucky for the wake and funeral service. I was 10 years old.

Pa Austen had open heart surgery. The family had taken him to Vanderbilt University Hospital. He passed away during the procedure. I remember the name of the hospital because Dad's cousins had a nice letter from the hospital administrator with his condolences on Pa's passing, mentioning what a fine businessman and leader he was in his lifetime and the fact he was an honorary Colonel in Kentucky.

The town was small but everyone seemed turned out for the viewing the afternoon and evening before the burial. The funeral home had him displayed in the coffin. I was afraid to go near it. I had never seen a dead body before.

Dad told me. "It's just an empty shell, Katie. He's not in it anymore." He took my hand firmly and walked me to the casket to say goodbye. Pa looked smaller and wore a nice suit. I never saw him wear one before. He liked white t-shirts, pants and suspenders. I didn't think he look like himself because he didn't have as many wrinkles and appeared to be having a nice nap.

Dad was a pallbearer the next day after the funeral service. There was a long processional from the funeral parlor to the graveyard following the hearse. It was the longest I had ever seen. The hearse took him around the town square and small downtown area before heading to the burial grounds outside of town down country roads. All of that land belonged to his family before him. Pa owned more than the feed store decades ago in that area and everyone knew him.

Dad and I drove in his car with a funeral flag on the hood. I saw the other cars in town in the opposite lane pulled over to the side of the road when the funeral went past. Some flashed their lights. I didn't understand. Dad said it was a sign of respect towards Pa. He was a pillar of the community and everyone was paying honor to him and his legacy including his family in their own way. In all my life, even Ames, I've never seen that happen since for the deceased.

Afterwards there was a large family gathering, the biggest I can recall, at one of the farmsteads. Dad's cousin had a massive, sprawling ranch house he had helped build. It had big stones set in the exterior walls with concrete. I thought it was amazing. There was a porch that wrapped around the front and the back and chairs and tables outdoors for everyone. Family was there, many of whom I had never seen before.

The women, family, friends and neighbors, brought so many homemade dishes that some had to be set up in the kitchen. His cousin's wife, Lisa, had all the desserts brought into the kitchen to swap out later after people at their fill for lunch. She organized and directed as people and more food came in with each new arrival. Everything was delicious.

It was a sad occasion to gather, but also happy for me. I was able to play with all of the other kids and was just accepted as-is. I was one of them, Katie Austen, Sam's girl. None of the kids knew or cared about my home-life or that my parents weren't together. The adults were kind and complimentary, hugging me or patting my head saying how much I've grown. I played without hesitation, enjoying it. We were all in the moment and were surrounded by woods, my favorite playground. There was plenty to do.

My teenage cousins talked me and the other grade school kids into going on a "snipe hunt" when it got dark, something that was scary and exciting. They sent us into the large front yard under the tall trees. I wanted to catch one of those purple little critters with yellow polka-dots with the brown grocery bag and flashlight they armed each of us with. It was tradition to tease the kids and have fun with them.

When I think back, Pa had died but had six children who had multiple children each then multiple grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great grandchildren and it will continue on through the centuries. His real legacy wasn't just some streets named "Austen" in a few small towns, a plaque saying he was an honorary colonel and the money he and Ma Austen shared liberally with their kids.

Dad said Pa and Ma Austen's real legacy were their children and all the descendants that came after them.

Christian Shephard's Memorial was about honoring him and remembrance. There was no viewing, processional, and the gathering after had food prepared by hired hands. He was a great surgeon and had many accomplishments, but the only real legacy, the lasting one I could come up with, was Jack.

Dad was right. It didn't matter how many accolades a person accumulated in life. The thing that continues on the longest was your family, blood, adopted or other.

The Austen family was obviously fertile in more than just land and crops, but some took in foster kids and adopted them. They got to grow up on the farms and most stayed on after as adults. I never heard anything about them being anything but family. There was no distinction.

* * *

Two weeks before the Memorial, Jack started to have trouble sleeping including bad dreams. I tried to help him with that. He sleeps best when he is spooned up behind me, especially after making love or whatever flavor of sex we indulged in.

I found that his appetite for it didn't decrease despite the stress. Sex relaxed him when he was wound up tighter than a coil.

I bought a body pillow to keep me on my side because I sleep on my stomach. Without it, I would have ended up tummy down with the weight of his arm and leg on top of me. I hugged it with my arm and clasped it between my knees as he draped his body around me. I wasn't sure what he would think about a body pillow. I didn't want him to think I was replacing him as a snuggle partner.

He liked it, but not for sleep. The body pillow was a new toy to him so he could prop my small body into different positions during our carnal activities. At least he didn't reject it.

It feels nice to be snuggled on both sides, but I prefer Jack's body wrapped around mine, his bare skin pressed up against my back and body while arm was draped over me. It was comforting feeling his heart beat against my back and his breath on my neck.

His wandering hands woke me when he caressed my breasts and let his long, skilled fingers travel south anytime during the night or morning. He would pepper my skin with sensual kisses, savoring the taste of it, while his hard member was pressed against my backside, impatiently waiting.

Sometimes I would wake him first with my own need for him. I would crave him so badly. It felt good that he never rejected me. He would always smile. God, his sleepy, sexy Jack smiles turned me on even more.

Sometimes it felt like days instead of hours since we last had sex.

I couldn't get enough of him.

* * *

Jack made plans for the Memorial with the church minister, but they were minimal. His mother went with him. She had sent out invitations to long-time family and friends. It was a private service not open to the public or published in the paper. It was only noted in St. Sebastians' quarterly magazine with a big feature on Christian's contributions the hospital and spinal surgery at large.

There were no flowers or decorations. In lieu of that, Margo designated a favorite charity of Christian's for money to be sent to: The Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation, dedicated to curing spinal cord injuries through research and improving the quality of life for people with injuries through grants. It was headquartered in L.A. Jack and Christian's colleagues were very familiar with it and supportive as far as fundraisers.

I found out at the gala that the neurosurgeons as a community were supportive of similar charities focused on advancing research for better operating techniques and treatment, as well as funding grants and supporting people who had spinal injuries that were irreversible. I was impressed.

* * *

Jack took me and Aaron to meet his grandfather, Ray Shephard, one week before the service. He's Christian's dad. It's odd to imagine outliving your child. He obviously wasn't happy about it but 10 months had passed, so it wasn't fresh news.

Ray wasn't mourning by then as far as I could tell. I didn't know him before when Christian was alive. Ray had a lot of vigor and opinions which he gladly shared. He also was very find of Jack, his only grandson.

Jack loved his Grandpa Ray and had quite a few stories about him, but only shared one when I asked. Jack's upbringing was strict. Grandpa Ray, when he spent time with him, pushed him to be a boy and have fun doing outdoor activities and taking risks learning things

Christian would frown on like taking him to learn how to ride motocross bikes at a local track. As Jack grew into his teens and prepared for college, Ray advised Jack to tell his dad to "screw off and pick his own career." Jack wouldn't do that. He wanted to please his Dad and had something to prove. Jack let his Dad guide and mentor him into the esteemed position of an elite spinal surgeon in L.A. That was before the crash.

Ray continued to be bit of a wild card. I wondered how Christian turned out the way he was professionally with a character like Ray as a father.

I was warned about before we got there, to expect anything and everything from Ray's mouth but take it for what it was. He was in his 70s and Jack wasn't going to argue with him.

Ray has his own apartment in an upscale assisted living facility in Pasadena. Despite his wheelchair, he lived fairly independently. Ray is sharp as a tack and doesn't have a lot of health issues beyond use of his legs due to advanced arthritis. He's too unstable to walk around on his own without risk of falling.

Ray doesn't like being there, even though it's a great place and the staff are friendly. He declared he's getting "out of there someday and not coming back." I believed he would try to. He struck me as being a rebel at heart. Maybe he hated the lack of freedom. I empathized with that. I'd rather pass in my sleep at a ripe, old age than debilitate over time and lose my freedom and mind.

Ray was sad Christian had passed but made no bones about telling us he knew drinking and womanizing would catch up with his son.

Ray stated this within the first five minutes of our arrival. We were barely past introductions.

Ray had kissed my hand and eyeballed Jack asking him how he managed to land such a beautiful woman. Jack smiled and said he was a lucky man to meet and survive with me. He winked at me afterwards. He said Ray was quite the lady's man when he was young.

I am glad that trait didn't trickle down to Jack, at least as far as womanizing as an adult. Jack is charming and oh so enticing but doesn't seem to be aware of it. I don't know about his college years and don't need to. Jack is off the charts as a partner and lover and faithful. I wouldn't tolerate any infidelity, as much as I love him. I couldn't handle it after what Diane did to my Dad.

I sat down holding Aaron, who was staring at everything with great curiosity. Aaron has beautiful blue eyes and is a seeker. He looks for things to put in his hands and mouth. I pulled out a few teething toys including small, rubber blocks he liked to gum on. I looked at Jack with big eyes at Ray's comments and he gave me a slight shrug as in what can he do about it? I was warned Ray was a "loose cannon."

He obviously loved Jack but doesn't get along with Margo. Jack said there is some history that goes back before he was born. He didn't want Ray to start down that path. For some reason, Ray didn't approve of the Christian and Margo marrying. It's not my business and it could be for any reason. I like Margo personally but kept my mouth shut out of respect for Jack.

Ray was very charmed with me and fascinated by Aaron. He wanted to hold him. Aaron went to him willingly, surprising me and Jack. Aaron used to be "everybody's baby" but started going through a stranger anxiety phase, clinging to either of us at times. The pediatrician said it's temporary.

Ray was really fascinated with Aaron after he had him in his lap. He was inspected and observed him. He looked at Jack and me suspiciously after several minutes went by. Aaron was grabbing buttons and anything he could on or around Ray. He babbled happily. His big words are "dada," "mama", "ba" or "baba" and "ga." Aaron's a wiggle worm so Jack finally took him.

Ray sighed and looked at both of us as if we did something wrong. He asked if we had something we needed to tell him. If so, it wouldn't leave the room.

I had no idea what he was referring to. Jack asked him what he was talking about.

Ray said that Aaron is the spitting image of Christian as a baby. He said we can tell the world and family whatever we want but he knows that Aaron is Jack's baby. Jack looked similar but had brown eyes and hair. He was dead serious. He said that we can't fool him.

Jack shrugged and said Aaron was his in all the ways that count. Ray shook his head and waived off Jack and looked at me intensely. I waited to be grilled but was trying to stifle my laughter at his declaration. I don't know why but it struck me as funny. I knew I was blushing. Ray grinned too.

Ray decided to let me off the hook, maybe taking my humor as confirmation, but said definitively that Aaron is his great-grandson.

He understood if we didn't want to be like modern couples and admit we "put the wagon before the horse" and had him out of wedlock. Ray said he knows his own blood and Aaron is a Shephard, his first great-grandson.

Ray asked all kinds of things after that, mostly directed at Jack. Some were topics Jack and I avoid or touch on only occasionally.

He asked Jack why he isn't doing the honorable thing after having a baby with me and make me an honest woman? Does Jack think he can just bring the cow home and get the milk for free?

Jack said we have plans to tie the knot in the future but had to get past the Memorial. He'd do the right thing. Ray's was a little scornful and gave him a "Humph," in response. He said he didn't understand why Jack is waiting and to do it for Aaron.

He was even more upset when he found out Aaron's last name was "Austen" and told Jack to fix that immediately. He said it was a disgrace and the Shephard name had to be continued.

I watched Jack during the discourse. He had been stressed about the Memorial but was strangely calm with his Grandpa Ray. His eyes held a slightly amused look.

I was the next target of Ray's curiosity.

He asked me openly how my legal stuff was going? I was taken aback for a moment since it's a taboo topic. I don't openly discuss it with anyone except Duncan and Jack. Jack looked at me and raised an eyebrow. He could have intervened but left me dangling. He knew I can handle myself and had that look of amusement in his eyes, waiting for my response.

I went ahead and told Ray it's going okay so far. I have a great attorney and an extension for the trial. My attorney feels confident about knocking down or clearing up some things I am accused of.

Ray smiled and said that's what he likes to hear. He told me to fight the system and don't give up. He said the courts are corrupt and full of politics, same as our government. Someone as young and pretty as me shouldn't be behind bars, especially after everything I've been through.

Jack asked him again to come to the Memorial. That was the main reason for the visit besides introducing me and Aaron. He had asked him before on prior visits.

Ray said no. His son died over 10 months ago and the Memorial was just for show.

He went on to say the whole thing was a load horse shit because there was no body and an empty grave plot was big waste of money. He blamed Margo for that.

I turned pink, trying to stay serious. I focused on Jack or keeping Aaron occupied, who was trying to grab fistfuls of my hair to taste.

Jack didn't argue with his grandfather. He shrugged off some things or redirected him by changing the subject. Ray's mind was sharp though and he would call Jack on trying to distract him.

When we were getting ready to leave, Ray asked us to come back soon. He said he'd like to hear some good news about us getting hitched next time and having another grandbaby on the way. He told us to have more than just one child. Poor Aaron needed brothers and sisters, just like Jack should have had. He blamed Margo for that too.

Ray said not to wait too long. He probably doesn't have much time left. Based on his vitality, I would put money on Ray living more years than he predicted.

Ray kissed my hand goodbye and winked at me.

He's a handful.

* * *

The day of the Memorial arrived. Jack left early to get his Mom. There was a catered gathering afterwards at the Shephard mansion. Jack went over to help with the vendors, then to church early. He had to meet with the minister.

Jack had opted for a simple service. The minister would speak first. One of Christian's closest friends, a retired doctor and the chief of surgery that preceded Christian, would talk about his career and contributions to the medical community. After that, Jack would give a brief eulogy. The minister would end the service with a prayer and benediction.

Jack was relieved Grandpa Ray decided not to come. Transporting him wasn't the issue. He didn't want him and his Mom in the same room. Margo would be gracious or avoid Ray as usual, but Christian wasn't there anymore as a buffer.

Ray had manners but was hard to rein in during social situations once he started talking.

I was going with Aaron and Hurley since Jack had to go earlier. Sayid and Nadia would meet us there. I was a little concerned about Aaron and how chatty he is because there was no "cry room" at the church to take him to so I could watch without my little man disrupting the service.

I didn't want to miss a second of it. Hurley said he would help and take him outside so I could stay there for Jack. Aaron loves his Uncle Hurley.

I haven't been to non-Catholic churches except with Kevin Callis, the man I married under an alias, making it null and void according to Duncan. Diane never went. I went to Catholic Church and Sunday School. My Dad is Catholic and I was raised to be one at home until I was 5.

I was supposed to go to parochial school. My Dad offered to pay for it but Diane felt like it was too much money and fuss over me, keeping up with my uniforms and all the things parochial schools require like parent volunteers for fundraisers. She didn't want to deal with it.

Now that I'm a mom, I think she didn't want to be exposed to the community at large with bruises and casts. Wayne demanded her attention and wouldn't have tolerated her outside of the house except for work or going to the store. She would parrot Wayne when she refused to send me parochial school during phone calls with Dad. She said I was going to the public school. It was just as good.

I would hear Diane and Wayne when they argued and she repeated what Wayne said verbatim to Dad minus the cuss words. Dad still took me to Sunday School on leave, then mass when I got older. Tommy's family went to the same parish, so I'd go with them to Sunday school to get out of the house. That's how I learned about the Saints I used as aliases.

I loved the statues and how pretty the sanctuary was decorated in the Ames parish. There was the holy water when you entered to make the sign of the cross. There were candles and pictures of Saints to the left. The candles were to light for a special prayer but you had to put a coin in a box to do it. There was ceremony and repetition, which is comforting for some people, especially a child. I liked watching the altar boys light the candles and the incense brought down the aisle that would swing and spread around the congregation on the pole that held the brass censer.

This church was plain as it could be. It had little decoration beyond the stain glass windows but was vast. It felt hollow without noise, people and decor. It was the church Margo went to and the one that Jack was christened in as a baby. There was a tall podium up front and behind that more pews for the choir. They weren't a part of the ceremony so those seats were empty.

Hurley looked so handsome in his suit and tie. He drove me and Aaron in his yellow Hummer. He had recently visited Sun in Korea. I love Hurley. I got one of his special hugs finally when I saw him, where he lifts me off of my feet. His hugs give me a warm, happy feeling. I missed that when I was in the hospital.

Hurley and I see each other at least once a week to visit. Sometimes it was because of our ties to his family, especially Carmen or Abuela Carmen and our get-togethers. Other times, we meet up or he stops by.

I want Hurley to always be a part of Aaron's life for a lot of reasons, mostly because he is an incredible example of compassion, generosity, honesty and morality. Aaron needs men in our circle that to influence him in addition to Jack, who is a great man.

When we arrived, Hurley helped me out of the Hummer. It was a big drop for me. He offered to carry Aaron and had to get him out of the car seat for me due to the vehicle being so tall. I told him not yet but soon and smiled. I love holding Aaron in my arms but after 10 minutes or so need to shift him around to my hip or sit. He's going going to be 1/5 of my weight soon, but I want to enjoy carrying him as long as I am able to. Time is going by too fast.

I wore a form fitting black dress, straightened my hair and had a medium sized black diaper bag that looked like a purse. I brought a thin blanket, diapers, wipes, a spit up cloth and toy for teething and a formula bottle ready for him. It just needed to be mixed with the small bottled water I brought. Aaron hasn't cut teeth yet and still prefered gumming on my fingers or his. He was wearing a dark blue jumper and white shirt with a collar with little white shoes and socks.

We met up with Nadia and Sayid on the sidewalk. After saying hello, Nadia commented how Aaron looks more like me as he grows. I smiled at her and saw Sayid and Hurley do the same and exchange polite looks. We didn't comment because of The Lie. We made small talk instead but stopped as we entered the sanctuary. The usher seated us all in the front row. Margo was in the front row across the aisle from us.

The memorial went smoothly as planned. It's what Jack wanted. It was to the point and clean, not flowery with hymns and singing. He said that wasn't his Dad. Christian wasn't a religious man.

Jack's part was brief. He stood at podium, so handsome in a suit, his sculpted face and features somber. I could see a slight resemblance to the framed, poster-sized photograph of Christian in a suit that sat in a table near the podium.

I watched Jack lovingly as Aaron gummed and drooled on my fingers, looking up at me. I was proud of him for following through with this just as he planned, even though he was nervous the days leading up to the ceremony. He just wanted this to be over.

Jack's being nervous was subtle at home. It was the issues sleeping, his second guessing himself about his brief speech, then going over what he was going to say repeatedly. It was the scotch on the rocks at night to calm himself down. I hardly see him drink but don't begrudge him something to take the edge of, as long as he wasn't falling down drunk.

Jack began to speak to the guests. The church was about 2/3 full of friends, family and colleagues.

He said about 10 months ago he wrote what was going to say at his father's funeral on the back of a cocktail napkin at the Sydney airport. He didn't remember what it was but his father would have hated it. Scattered laughter followed that. He said his dad couldn't stand eulogies and the only good thing about a wake was the free booze.

Jack looked up at the crowd as he talked, then at me. I smiled softly at him encouragingly when our eyes met.

Jack a little choked up as he reached the end. He said it wasn't much of a wake because he won't be able to bury him. He looked at the picture of his dad beside the podium and said, "I love you, Dad. I miss you."

Aaron was quiet until Jack came to sit with us. He clung to me putting his head on my shoulder. Later he wanted to sit in my lap facing forward when he heard Jack's voice, looking around for him. When Jack's speech was done and he sat next to me, Aaron spotted him. He called out "Dada!" loudly, echoing in the large room. It caused more scattered laughter.

Jack's eyes were wet but sentimental. Aaron reached for him, almost falling out of my lap. Jack took him into his arms. Aaron put his head on Jack's shoulder with his little arm curled under Jack's neck and the other on the top of Jack's shoulder. It was sweet to see, almost as if Aaron was trying to comfort Jack in his own little way.

* * *

After the private memorial, Jack and I met someone that put him in a tailspin and upset me for more than one reason. One of Christian's former mistresses showed up at the funeral, waiting until we were the last three in the foyer including Aaron.

I spotted her in a pew but didn't know who she was yet. She watched us as Jack kissed his mother goodbye. He said we'd see her at the house. Margo left and the woman stood and walked over. We thought she was departing.

Jack had handed me Aaron after the service so he could shake hands with family and friends. As we stood together, I told him he did well and the service was perfect. He gave me a small grin. I could see the relief in his face that it was finished.

The blonde woman approached us both but was focused on Jack. I thought she was just going to give her condolences and leave. She was in her mid-to-late 40s. Jack and I looked at each other. He had no idea who she was.

She said her name was Carole. She was Australian. That should have been the first tip-off. Christian liked to take solo trips to Australia according to Jack. Jack had gone to Australia to bring him home after he took off. He even knew the hotel Christian usually stayed at. Unfortunately, his father had passed away and they ended up on Oceanic 815. Christian never made it home and his body is on the island somewhere.

Aaron started getting fussy when the woman walked up. I patted his back and draped the blanket over him. I figured he was getting tired.

She came right up to Jack and asked if she could have a word with him. I took Aaron to the side to give them a few yards of space to talk while I bounced him gently. Movement usually soothed him. He was getting tired, rubbing his eyes and wanting to tuck his head under my chin. He got quiet when we walked a few yards away.

I could hear the conversation in the empty foyer. The empty church amplified sounds and voices. I pretended to read the church bulletin and looked around. I figured it would be short since it was the memorial was over and we needed to head out. People had headed already to the Shephard mansion for an informal gathering with finger foods and desserts.

The woman said she was sorry for his loss. She was short, her hair was colored blonde and she had blue eyes. Jack asked how she knew his father. She said she was the reason why he was in Australia when he died. I glanced over and saw Jack frowning.

He said he didn't understand why his father would have come to see her. I know he was praying she wasn't one of Christian's conquests. That was exactly why Jack wanted it to be a private memorial and Margo and agreed. He didn't want Christian's dirty laundry to be aired.

What she said next floored Jack. She said Christian didn't come to see her in Australia because she was in the hospital. She came to see their daughter.

Jack shook his head denying it and said his dad didn't have a daughter. He didn't believe her. I could see he thought she was confused.

She claimed he did and said to check phone records. She said that the strangest thing was that her daughter was on the same flight as us. Jack was in the air with his sister for at least 6 hours on the Oceanic flight.

She had tears in her eyes for the first time when she mentioned her daughter.

Jack was trying to be composed but this was a lot to lay on him at his father's Memorial Service. He was already anxious about the Memorial and all of the other things he feels guilty about including Christian's death and the events leading up to it. He still hadn't dealt with those feelings and felt responsible for everything. That includes the island and everyone left behind, even though it's not his fault.

Christian shouldn't have cheated on Margo and hidden this from Jack, but she shouldn't have come to the memorial service to inform Christian's son. It could have been done before or after. The Memorial was held by the Shephard family to honor Christian in his death and remember _good_ things about him.

Carole wasn't there to mourn Christian. Margo, his widow, was in the same room and she obviously knew who Margo was. I saw her wait until Margo left to approach him.

The woman started to sniff and cry and said her daughter's name was Claire.

Claire. It caught me by surprise. Jack looked like someone had sucker punched him in the gut. His mouth was slightly open and he looked stunned. She said she was sorry to burden him with that and walked away from him.

She approached me after.

I am very protective of Jack and had to bite my tongue temporarily. I love Claire and missed her, but we had no idea where she was with the rest of our friends. She was gone and we didn't know if anyone of them were even alive.

Carole told me that my son was beautiful. Aaron was quieter, sleepy now. I told her thank you.

I couldn't tell her. I was bound by The Lie, same as Jack. It flickered through my mind. The implications for our group and the people left behind would be bad if we said anything. DNA tests, publicity, it would all unravel and have a huge ripple effect that could cause all kinds of problems, ones I couldn't even predict. We were told we had to lie. To protect those we left behind.

Jack looked over at me in disbelief. Claire was his sister. Why was this kept secret for so long? What were the chances they would both survive the same crash and I would be a surrogate mom to his nephew. My God! Aaron is his nephew.

I was upset. It wasn't just The Lie and the shock of the news. I wasn't upset for myself. I knew nothing about this woman except she was Claire's mother, had an affair with Christian and came to a private family memorial to, intentionally or not, torch Jack with staggering news. Jack already carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He looked bewildered. I could see the pain and guilt on his face. Claire wasn't just any crash survivor. She was his half-sister and she was left behind. It wasn't Jack's fault but he would assume it was. Whoever took her may have chosen her, just like she was chosen when she was kidnapped within the first few weeks of our crash.

Should he have been told about Claire and vice versa? Yes, but not today. It should have been handled years ago by the parents. I felt like Carole came for herself. Maybe she was feeling sad about Claire, but she wasn't there for the Shephards or Jack.

If we were back in Ames and something like that happened, she would have been run out of the church for upsetting the family, especially since she was openly stating she and Christian had an affair. It was disrespectful to Margo.

Instead, Jack took the brunt of it and sink further under the burden. He couldn't tell Margo. He only had me.

There is a saying that funerals and weddings bring out the best and worst in people. I would call this the worst because of the terrible timing. How about a phone call or visit before or afterwards? We had been back for several months at that point.

I walked quickly over to Jack, looking into his eyes. I was worried about him. Sure enough, I saw the guilt on his face and in his hunched shoulders.

I got an uneasy feeling. Jack was already struggling wanting to dive headfirst into work and not getting any help for his sleeping issues or mild anxiety.

Did it have to be today?

* * *

After Carole exited and I looked at Jack, I quickly handed Aaron him to and told him to keep Aaron inside the church. I took off with no explanation after her. He looked puzzled and called after me once. I kept going hoping he would stay put. She was walking towards the parking lot.

I called out to her. She stopped and turned, tears completely gone.

I would have to live with the aftermath of Jack's struggle with this news. I wanted to talk to her. I fought my impulses to remain calm. In the back of my mind, I knew Jack wouldn't let anyone approach and upset me if it was my Dad's Memorial.

I told her first of all I was very sorry to hear about her daughter. I was sincere. I missed Claire and thought of her a lot but couldn't tell her that.

She looked confused, probably because I followed her, but thanked me. I was standing near her in the parking lot.

I told her I was Jack's girlfriend, Kate, another survivor of the crash.

She said she knew who I was from the papers.

I asked her why she came to a private family funeral. Who invited her?

She looked surprised. She said one of Christian's colleagues in Australia told her about it and asked if she was going.

I was direct but not hostile. I said this was a private memorial to honor Christian. I asked if she considered Jack's feelings and everything he's been through since we've been back? She could have picked another day or time down the road to write, call or meet with him. He has enough on his shoulders right now.

She dropped the pleasant, soft demeanor from inside of the church. She said that she came because Jack needed to know about his sister. She used to have a relationship with Christian but that was over years ago when Claire was little.

Her answers were starting to tell me everything I suspected, that it was about her need, not to benefit Jack.

I said I wished she, Christian and Margo, as mature adults, told him and Claire about each other. He didn't need to know today. Did she consider his feelings or state of mind?

Carole didn't apologize once or back down. Her eyes were narrow, even though I didn't yell. I saw zero remorse or compassion for Jack in her eyes. She said she did nothing wrong and had every right to be there.

I told her if she really wanted to come, that's fine, but she should have had the courtesy to wait before revealing that to Jack. He would have talked to or met with her if she contacted him.

She went to the driver's door to leave. I didn't follow her. I glanced quickly at the church door. Jack was inside the church but could see me.

Carole turned and gave me hostile look. She asked wasn't I the fugitive, accused of murder?

The words she said didn't hurt me. The only thing that mattered was how Jack felt.

I narrowed my eyes and said yes. I was accused of some things and to keep that in mind before approaching Jack again unless it was to apologize for her horrible timing. My temper flared. I wasn't mad she came. I was mad she dropped a bombshell on Jack.

She got in her car, slammed the door. I moved away and returned to the church. I heard the wheels squeal as she backed out and sped off.

* * *

Jack was in the church foyer. I met him in the doorway. Aaron was asleep snuggled under his chin. He looked shocked. I didn't know if he'd be mad at me. I had to say something. I couldn't just stand silently and let someone torpedo Jack. Nobody else looks after him. It's always Jack looking out for everyone else. Nobody else took care of him, much less protected him.

We didn't talk much on the way to Margo's. Jack was surprised I went after Carole to talk. He caught part of the conversation. His only comment was that he was glad I didn't hit her. He didn't want any issues with my legal stuff coming up next year. I had cooled off. I wasn't going to hit her. I tried to remember if I ever hit a another woman and came up with nothing, not even as a child.

He sat quietly trying to process the information.

I know Jack well, better than anyone. He never takes things like this in stride.

* * *

We pulled up to Margo's. People were parked along the street. We used the gate passcode to park in front of the house. It was full of guests. It was the first time I had seen the house filled. I could see how it was perfect for large gatherings. We made our way through the throng of mourners.

I kept an eye on Jack as I held Aaron, finding a chair to relax in. Hurley joined me and we talked. I didn't say anything about Carole with the people milling about.

Jack was composed but pale. He was socialized with a small group of friends, making toasts to his Dad. I don't know how many drinks he had. He was definitely buzzed.

Margo came by and whispered something to me. She said he shouldn't be driving. She already talked to Jack about slowing down. He said told her dismissively he was fine.

I handed the baby to Hurley. I took Jack a coffee when he finished his drink. I sidled up to him and looked up at his face, imploring him to trade with me with no words. He set down the scotch and took the mug from my hands.

He wrapped his arm around me and uncharacteristically kissed me in front of everyone. He tasted like a distillery. He declared to his friends he was the luckiest bastard on the planet. That uncharacteristic comment turned a few heads. I was embarrassed and blushed. Talk about bad timing.

I tiptoed and whispered in his ear I needed to talk to him alone in the other room. He smiled and took my hand, letting me lead him and sloshed his coffee. I took the cup and put it on a serving tray while taking him to the kitchen and closed the door.

I made him sit down at the table and poured another cup of coffee. I stood beside him as I tried to pour one for myself. He put his hands on my hips to turn me towards him and ran one hand down my side and thigh, fingering the hem of my dress. He had a naughty look on his face. He wasn't himself and had more to drink that I thought.

Normally, with Jack, I am onboard for making love or sex, even fast and hard when we were starving and desperate for each other. I couldn't. Not after his father's memorial in his mother's kitchen with over 100 people just outside of the unlocked door. He was drunk and anyone could walk in on us. I put my hand over his as it snaked it's way up my thigh to the apex, ready to explore my panties.

I decided I needed to get him out of there soon if he didn't sober up. We could take the baby but I needed to focus on Jack. I didn't know how much he drank or what would happen when we were home.

I decided to see if Carmen could take Aaron for the night since Margo had guests. I didn't want Aaron around Jack like this, even though he wouldn't remember. Jack was hurting. He was trying to drown the day and Carole's news with alcohol.

To her credit, Margo came in the kitchen to check on us. Jack was drinking coffee. She asked how we were doing.

I looked at Jack, thinking. If I said I needed to take him or he was drunk, he would deny it or go out and keep drinking. I bit my lip.

I told her I wasn't feeling so well and had a headache, then winked at her. Jack was behind me. I said we need to excuse ourselves. She caught on and said that's fine, do what we needed to.

She offered to keep Aaron but I said she had enough on her plate. I was thinking of the Reyes family unless she insisted. She said it was a good idea. I asked her if she minded asking Hurley to call Carmen and she said she'd be glad to.

She went over to Jack to check on him. Jack stood when she was in the kitchen and gave her a hug.

She wrinkled her nose a tiny bit. I know she could smell the alcohol. He said he loved her.

* * *

I drove back to the condo. Jack wanted to drive but didn't argue after I sat in the driver's seat. I got him upstairs and into our bedroom. It was a feat. The alcohol hit him hard because he was all over the place. He couldn't keep his hands off of my body, outside and inside of the condo.

For the first time, I wasn't sure what to do. My body has a mind of its own when it comes to Jack's advances. It was so wired to his needs that it was ready and willing. My mind said not when he's this drunk. I reasoned if the situation were reversed, Jack wouldn't pounce on me. I opted to stall until he was sober or asleep.

I had him stripped down to his boxers and told him to hold that thought. He looked really tired. I kissed his lips tenderly and said I needed to use the restroom. When I returned to the bedroom, he was out.

I sighed, standing in the doorway, backlight by the bathroom. Poor Jack. I turned off the light and crawled into bed. He was flat on his back, snoring lightly. I curled around him, putting my head on his chest and my arm around him.

I didn't know how Carole's untimely news was going to affect him. My gut feeling was he can only carry so much guilt and was getting closer to point break.


End file.
